Jamie Hartman

Jamie Hartman (29), mother to Daphne (6), Emrys (4), and Jonah (18 months)

Milwaukee, WI

Jamie is a previous project participant. You can view her original image from 2015 here.

Jamie shares -

“My body image is largely positive after parenting, but I recognize that I am afforded a lot of thin privilege by having a body that mostly "bounced back" as society thinks birthing folks are supposed to. I try to be intentional with positive self-talk in front of my kids especially, and to teach them that bodies are all different and all beautiful.”

What was your postpartum experience?

“Physically, my postpartum experience was great. I birthed in the hospital - my first hospital birth - and felt really well cared for and respected. Jonah was born with a birth defect - clubfoot - and so he had full leg casts for the first nine weeks of his life, and then big orthotic boots with a metal bar between them for months after. It wasn't perfect, but I felt very supported and really lucky to have my husband home for a month after the birth, and then extended family helping out after that.

I was prepared for the postpartum anxiety I'd had with my first two children, as much as you can be, and set up with medication and everything from the jump. Still, it was almost a year before I really felt myself mentally, and I still struggle sometimes. Anxiety is part of my story.”

What is your truth?

You deserve to thrive.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I am basically a poster child for having the ideal birth and postpartum experience, and still totally falling apart. I had three perfect births, three healthy babies, three wonderful nursing experiences- and three instances of postpartum anxiety and OCD. Poor outcomes can definitely cause PPD. Sometimes, though, mental illness is just part of your story. Things are getting a little better, but there's still stigma against mental illness and medication, I find especially in the natural birthing community, and I tell my story to try and break that stigma.

Ashley Keiser

Ashley Keiser (32), Hayden (4) and Dawson (2)

Buffalo, NY

Ashley shares -

“Postpartum body image is an ebb and flow. Having my two boys with very different births helped me realize the strength and power of my body. I learned that no one should have power or control of it, except me. Most days I look at my body with pride and confidence and am grateful for all it's accomplished. However, some days I get down on myself when I feel like I'm not meeting society's expectation of my body. I am constantly working on my self love.

I feel that a birth can be a powerful opportunity to learn more of who you really are, a chance to dig deep in self-discovery in your fourth trimester. I firmly believe that my first birth was a product of being groomed for a cesarean. My doctor shared multiple things with me in my third trimester that seemed to prep me for the inevitable cesarean section. I had never had any type of surgery, so the idea of cesarean during birth was something that I had complete fear over.

When in the hospital, I willingly accepted multiple interventions and my cervix began slowing in dilation, eventually swelling, and my baby’s heart rate was not as strong as they would have liked. Eventually, it was suggested that I have a C-section before things got worse. “We can deliver a healthy baby now, or wait until it’s an emergency. It’s up to you.” And like any Mama Bear, I obviously chose the healthy baby. And that he was, healthy as can be, whisked away and not to be seen again for over an hour after constant demands for him. My husband was divided on where to go and I urged him to be with our baby. There I lied alone on the operating table with my OB and my nervous anesthesiologist. I felt weak, incapable, dependent on my doctor, and very honestly, I felt like an absolute failure. I was empty inside.

When my baby boy was finally returned to me, I asked for assistance to help him latch. And yet, the response I received, “I don’t do nipples - here.” and my child was put into my arms, onto a stomach that was numb and swollen from surgery, and to a mother who was still struggling to think straight after all of the meds that had been pumped into her. My angel of a mother helped position my paralyzed lower body, moved pillows, lifted my gown, and helped bring my son to my breast. And he latched. It was our first beautiful moment together. I always dreamed of the first words I would say to him. I never got to whisper them, but my love didn’t need words.

That night, my pain meds lapsed and I experienced the most excruciating physical pain of my life. I screamed and cried for the nurses to reduce the pain, and after 20 minutes it was manageable again. The next morning, my breasts flowed with milk and my eyes with tears. This wasn’t the baby blues, these were tears of trauma and fear. I was asked to change my bandage in the shower and as I began to remove it, I froze. I was broken and this bandage would expose my pain and failure and weakness. I pulled the nurse’s help cord. An angel appeared in the bathroom and with complete grace she helped to restore my dignity. Standing there naked, I felt more human than I had felt in 24 hours. My nurse breathed in words of love and strength into my soul and she removed my bandage. I stood strong. I did not fall apart. I was a woman and I was strong.

In the weeks to come, I was in no way prepared for the long recovery and discomfort that accompanied a cesarean after hours of laboring. My husband relocated our bedroom to the first floor and I had to ask for help to bring my son to me, to change him, for everything. I began to lose my self-worth as a mother. Slowly, my physical abilities improved, but emotional stability was weakening and no one noticed. I began to feel empty inside, alone, paranoid, angry, developing irrational fears, I began to wish God would take me from this earth. But, when I looked at my baby, I felt a purpose. At 3.5 months postpartum, my mom said, “Ashley, this isn’t like you. I think you need to talk to your counselor.” My son kept me alive, but my mother gave me the lifeline to save myself. With a great deal of counseling and much self-care, I was able to emerge stronger from postpartum depression, anxiety, and OCD.

It wasn’t until my second pregnancy that I would face head on the trauma I experienced from my first birth. I had researched for months prior to conception and picked the doctor with the best stats within a 2-hour drive. Dr. Katharine Morrison at the Birthing Center of Buffalo would completely change my birthing experience into a powerful and joyful occasion! She encouraged my continued work with my counselor on my past trauma and she was dedicated to best prepare me for my VBAC. We spoke only words of positivity over the pregnancy and anticipated VBAC, although we had multiple plans and discussed what they looked like. To be prepared for various types of birth was key in my emotional strength. Twice a month, we would join a cohort of families due at similar times to improve our understanding of pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and the body’s innate ability to bring babies earth side. I went into my second labor as spontaneous as my first, but this time, I knew to trust myself.

I went with my instinct which was to stay in my own home to labor for as long as possible, rather than going to a friend’s house in Buffalo. I labored for 16 hours at home and even got a chiropractic adjustment. We made the 90 minute drive to the birth center and were greeted with smiles, hugs, and a warm birthing tub that I immersed myself in, true bliss. My husband, doula and nurse helped me ride the waves of labor without medication. To labor around strong mothers brought a strength and powerful connection I’d never felt before, like a stronger energy emerged within me.

After transition, my doctor felt it would be best to transfer to the hospital less than 10 minutes away based on my baby’s heart rate. (Yes, again. Eek!) She jumped in our car with us, massaging my shoulders the entire way. Entering those hospital doors and into a cesarean waiting room, the fear came back. She looked me in the eyes and said, “You do not need a cesarean, you’ve got this.” Once a room opened, I was moved to a birth room and there after several positional changes, I knew I needed to stand and push. Using my husband as my anchor, I squatted down and pushed with all I had. 30 minutes later, my baby was in my arms. I did it. 28 hours later, I freaking did it! My recovery period was heavenly without any complication. I finally felt like I had the physical and emotional well being to be the mother my sons deserved to have. My first son made me a mother; my second son made me a warrior.

I’m participating in the project because when I struggled with my self-worth after my first birth, I also struggled with my self-image. These images on instagram helped me to love myself again. I learned to love my thicker but strong legs, my fuller but soft tummy, and my plumper but nourishing breasts. The stories shared also encouraged me to believe VBACs were possible and common. I want to share my story for the woman out there who is questioning if she is worth fighting for the birth she deserves. Yes, my dear sister, YOU are so worth a birth in which YOU are respected and supported. Partaking in this project is a reminder of the beauty of my body, the keeper of my strong and resilient soul.”

Coleen Amber

Coleen Amber (33) and Desmond (5 Months)

Photographed in Seattle, Washington

Coleen shares - 

"Last June when we first started trying, I had an early miscarriage. I didn't know what was happening and really didn't process it until later.

I had to take medications that caused me to gain a lot of weight in my mid 20s, over time I lost that weight but postpartum I am back up to my heaviest weight again. It is very difficult and I have a hard time looking in the mirror. At the same time I am so happy to be a mom I try to remember that my body looks this way because I carried my son for 9 months. I try to believe that someday I will lose the weight, and that even if I don't I am good enough the way I am.

Ten years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Going in to pregnancy was difficult and I worried so much about postpartum depression. I knew that I was at high risk. My doctors and I planned for it and knew what we were going to do with my medications postpartum. Initially I was okay but about a month postpartum I suffered from severe anxiety and OCD. I hadn't planned or learned about it at all so it all came so sudden and dramatically. It was hard to medicate for the conditions because it interfered with the treatment of my Bipolar Disorder. I tried taking classes for postpartum issues and became suicidal. I had to do intensive therapy and just let time pass before the symptoms started to pass. I still have severe anxiety from time to time but I have learned to cope with it better. Some days are good and some are bad. I just try to survive and remember why I did this. I love my son.

No matter how much planning you do, it will never be enough. Sometimes you just have to live experiences - you can't always prepare for them.

I've had so many body issues in the past, I wanted to have the opportunity to regain my sense of body and reframe how I see it. I am a mother, I have this body because I did something amazing that I never knew I would be able to do. This body should remind me I am amazing not deficient. I hope that by participating in the movement I can remember to feel that way."

Jenna Whitfield

The wonderful Jenna Whitfield, Nora Hendee, (3.5) & Rowan James, (9 months)

Coming from a large family herself, Jenna was certain that she too wanted to start her family young and have a lot of children. She was married young and says that the next five years proved a challenging period between navigating marriage, career, and personal growth. Eventually, she and her husband began to discuss not when but if they were going to start a family. “Though I ultimately believe those conversations stemmed from feeling disconnected from my husband in our marriage, I appreciate the role they played in allowing me to question my assumptions about being a woman, motherhood, parenting, and gender & society at large”.

Jenna’s now 4 year old daughter, Nora, was a surprise and other than a few food aversions and first trimester fatigue, she says the pregnancy was wonderfully uneventful and she really felt at home in her body and in awe of what was happening. In preparation for what she hoped would be a drug and intervention free labor and birth, they took the basic class offered at the hospital. She had an unspoken concern that she wouldn’t feel supported enough during labor, but didn’t push the idea of having a doula as her husband seemed offended. “I hoped he would be able to give me the support I needed, but our relationship was not at a point of great intimacy and connection at the time”.  

Ultimately, she went into labor the morning after Nora’s due date, when the first contraction woke her at 5am. She labored throughout the day, evening and into the next morning when things became more difficult. "By mid-morning I was feeling exhausted and discouraged, as it felt the contractions were becoming more than I could handle. I alternated between leaning over the foot of the bed during the contractions, still only in my lower back, and standing and holding my breath in fear of the next one. I felt alone as I had been short with my husband during his previous attempts to help and had effectively shut him down since he felt he didn’t have anything to offer me".  In the late afternoon they headed to the hospital, where she leaned she was only 4cm dilated and they told her that if she wanted to have a natural birth she should go back home. They left the hospital and filled a prescription she had been given for Ambien on the the way.

While sleep never came, labor continued to progress. Jenna woke her husband at 3am feeling completely overwhelmed and disoriented, unable to manage the continued back labor, so they headed back to the hospital. She was admitted at 6cms and the admitting nurse told her that if she couldn’t handle it, then the only other option was to get an epidural, which she hadn’t wanted.  "What I wanted was for my partner to be right there with me every step of the way and I didn’t feel that. I looked to him for the answer to the epidural and he said he thought it was a good idea so I could get some rest. I got the epidural at 4am and fell asleep".

At exactly 7am she woke up fully as her water broke and nurses rushed to her side. The baby’s heart rate had fallen and they were trying to get it back up. Unsuccessful, she was wheeled into the OR for an emergency cesarean. She was prepped for surgery but just before they began the baby’s heart rate stabilized. The team chose to monitor the baby for 10 minutes in the OR and then sent her back to continue laboring.  Jenna labored for another hour or so, pushed for about 3 hours, and finally gave birth to Nora at 11:39am. She was persistent in her posterior position and came into the world “Sunnyside up”. Nora was "perfect, alert and started to nurse soon after being placed on my chest. My partner and I did not talk about the labor until the next day in a conversation that amounted to, “Thank goodness you and Nora are both healthy.”

Recovery was difficult due to a large tear and exhaustion from multiple days of labor. Jenna had to start pumping at two weeks in order to return to school and this later proved problematic in producing a major over supply of breast milk. In addition to a fast let down, Nora started to refuse to nurse. Luckily, her doctor had assured her that most of these issues would resolve at three months as Nora was able to better handle the flow of her milk and they did. They nursed through cracked nipples, thrush, over supply, a biting phase, toddler nursing gymnastics, night weaning, and nursing aversion towards the end. "Though it was difficult at times it was one of the most intimate, complex, and amazing relationships I have ever experienced. I wanted Nora to self-wean and she did a few weeks after her second birthday." 

In hindsight, Jenna says that her breastfeeding relationship helped her connect with Nora as postpartum depression, OCD, and PTSD from her birth set in at two weeks postpartum. "I became unable to fall asleep between nighttime feedings even though I was exhausted. I blamed myself for getting the epidural which confined me to the bed, convinced that if I had been up and moving around, Nora’s cord would not have become kinked, resulting in her (in my mind) almost death and c-section, and subsequently - me having PTSD. I loved her but was unable to feel happiness. After having intrusive thoughts about Nora, I replayed them over in my mind unable to believe that I could have such horrible thoughts. Furthermore, when I tried to speak to my husband about feeling alone, like my birth just “happened” to me, he felt hurt, assuming he had done something wrong. After having a massive crying jag one night, he realized I wasn’t just upset with him and the birth experience and that something was really wrong. He made an appointment for me where my OB unknowingly shamed me saying, “It’s hard, because it’s not about you anymore, isn’t it?” Luckily, the social worker she referred me to was amazing".

After listening to her share my story, this provider was the first one to say, “What you are feeling is justified.” The next 6 months of seeing her, helped Jenna recover and cope. After her husband began seeing a therapist as well, they found themselves in a much different place.  "It took three years of individual and couples counseling to arrive at the place we are today, which is engaged, in love, and active in our partnership and parenting.  Nora’s birth required us to address the cracks in our relationship and as individuals and was nothing less than transformative." 

If Nora’s birth was transformative, then Jenna says that Rowan’s birth was restorative. Although they were thinking about having more children, Rowan was a bit of a surprise. This pregnancy was much more difficult as she navigated all day nausea for the next 20 weeks, lost 15 lbs and struggled to function. Once she began to feel better, the second half of her pregnancy went well. "Those weeks were truly the most beautiful in my life". They decided to take Bradley classes this time to prepare for the birth which allowed them to feel more like a team. She also chose to see her counselor again to unpack residual fears about her previous birth and make sure she had support in place for her 4th trimester.

Contractions came quickly this time and progressed smoothly. After laboring at home for a bit they headed to the hospital where she was admitted soon learning she was already 8cms. Jenna was able to get into the tub with her husband beside her. Her water broke shortly thereafter and she got out to labor on hands and knees. Three pushes and seven minutes later, her son was born after just 5 hours of labor. "I remember saying, “Oh baby it’s you. You’re here.” Over and over. I was euphoric and so in love with him the minute he arrived. I physically felt amazing and did not stop smiling for several days/maybe weeks. I was filled with such joy to have shared that experience with my husband as we welcomed our baby into the world. The postpartum period the second time was everything I could have hoped for. I felt so cared for, loved and able to bathe in the amazingness of newborn Rowan."

"A part of me was fearful I would have a daughter because of the difficulty in shielding and equipping her for a world that so openly tears down women and breaks them apart body part by body part. But now, in light of projects like 4th Trimester Bodies and the countless conversations I’ve had since then, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that Nora will see these pictures, feel our connection and be in awe of women’s bodies. I am hopeful that Rowan will know that bodies come in many varieties, many more than the media puts forth, and will be an advocate for women. I am hopeful that mental health will become destigmatized. I am hopeful, because as mother I desire for my children to live in a world where they can live with open, tender hearts and unafraid."

Nikki Morrissey

The stunning Nikki Morrissey, currently 39 weeks pregnant with a baby girl, and Harper (2). 

Nikki learned in processing her upbringing that she'd been experiencing generalized anxiety as the result of PTSD as a teenager. Because of this, she knew that she was at increased risk for postpartum depression but never expected postpartum anxiety, OCD and intrusive thoughts to cloud her early days of motherhood. Her pregnancy went very well, as did her delivery, but she found herself alone with her baby in a new place as her husband deployed. 

Nikki was able to reach out to a therapist and get help and feels like she's in a good place moving forward through this pregnancy. Things have been a bit harder chasing a toddler around this time and she experienced some depression in her second trimester but found it to be more situational than clinical as she navigated the Alaskan winter. Nikki has some fear that she'll experience postpartum depression and anxiety postpartum but feels she has a good safety net in place to help her along the way. She plans to deliver on base when her second daughter is ready to make her appearance.

Nikki wants her girls to grow up knowing that there is no one way to be, that whoever they are and whatever they look like is wonderful. She also wanted to participate to help other women who are struggling with postpartum mood disorders know they are not alone. It's okay to talk about these things, it's okay to get help, it's okay to know you'll get through it, she says.