Kimberly Quinn Kim (34 - she/her), Jeremiah and Avani (7), Malia (3.5), Naomi (2)
Bettendorf, Iowa
Kimberly shares:
“When I was 26 my husband and I decided to start trying to conceive and I stopped taking hormonal birth control for the first time in a decade. I immediately started having many of the symptoms commonly associated with menopause, including frequent hot flashes. My doctors ordered blood work and I was diagnosed with a rare condition called Premature Ovarian Failure. I was ushered from my primary care doctor to a gynecologist, then to an “ASAP” appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Within 60 seconds of walking in the door, the doctor told me that I would never be able to conceive. “Would you like to talk to the donor egg nurse? She is waiting for you right outside the door.” This was a shocking and, at first, devastating diagnosis. I was bewildered by my diagnosis and lack of treatment options. I feared what this condition meant for my long-term health, including possible issues with my thyroid function, cardiovascular health, and bone density. I was angry that my body could not do that one thing that women’s bodies are expected to do. And I was heartbroken that I would never have a child with my parents’ facial features or a perfect little mix of me and my husband. I mourned the loss of my own biological children through weekly therapy sessions and frequent crying. I cultivated a supportive community of women who were also experiencing infertility by facilitating a support group and reading and writing blogs. My husband and I discussed at length many important questions that other parents-to-be don’t have to (or get to) examine. Why do we want to be parents? What are we willing to undergo to become parents? Is the genetic connection the most important part? What am I willing to put my body through to experience pregnancy, delivery, and birth? After many conversations, we decided to pursue donor egg IVF.”
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Prior to my infertility diagnosis, I already had a complicated relationship with my body. Growing up I was a talented dancer and a successful competitive swimmer, so I knew my body was strong and capable. However, with unrealistic images of women’s bodies everywhere, I often felt too short, too muscular, and too heavy. Looking back now, I can see that my body was perfect. But that is not the message that I was receiving. Instead, my swim coach made us weigh in and told us to stop snacking and my boyfriend’s mom gave me crash dieting tips for Prom.
In college, I started spending my money in the $80 billion weight loss industry. First personal trainers, then Weight Watchers, then a dangerously low-calorie meal replacement program called Medifast. I was unhappy with my body and my relationship with food. I saw many therapists, all of whom tried to support me in not using food to cope with my feelings; none of whom said what I really needed to hear: “Stop restricting food; you are enough, just the way you are.”
My Premature Ovarian Failure diagnosis and subsequent two failed rounds of donor egg IVF made me doubt my body even more. I felt like a failure; I couldn’t stay thin, and I couldn’t get pregnant. Finally, on our third transfer, I became pregnant with our twins. I bled from weeks 5 to 11, which was horrifying. But at every ultrasound, the babies continued to grow, and their hearts continued to beat. After the bleeding stopped, I had a relatively uneventful pregnancy, until my water broke at just 29 weeks gestation. The list of things that my body could not do correctly kept growing; I could not ovulate, I could not get pregnant, and now I could not stay pregnant. I was excited and relieved to discover that there was one function at which my body could excel: breastfeeding! Many people had warned me that exclusively nursing premature twins would be difficult, if not impossible. However, I was able to pump enough milk for both babies, which they received through feeding tubes. The first time I ever tried to nurse Avani she bit my nipple, screamed, and fell asleep. With the support of my husband and the help of lactation consultants, nipple shields, patience, and perseverance we perfected their latches and, eventually, tandem nursing positions.
Currently, I am tandem nursing toddlers again, but this time my nurslings are my 3.5-year-old and my 2-year-old! When I found out that I was spontaneously pregnant with our fourth child I was shocked, thrilled, and terrified. I was not ready to wean Malia and I was afraid that my doctors would demand it since nipple stimulation is sometimes discouraged by people who have a previous preterm delivery. However, my doctors supported her nursing and she continued to breastfeed daily throughout my pregnancy, although I suspect it was “dry” at times. When Naomi was born Malia loved the newly bountiful supply of milk and they bonded at the breasts. Even now they always call to the other one to have “momo” together and hold hands while they nurse. I cherish my time nursing my children because of the bond it creates and I am thankful that lactating helps regulate my Premature Ovarian Failure symptoms. But most of all, I appreciate nursing because I can soothe and nourish my children, which has renewed my confidence, trust, and appreciation of my body.
What was your postpartum experience?
The twins were born at 29 weeks gestation and could not eat, breathe, or regulate their own body temperature. Avani had to be resuscitated twice after birth and dealt with numerous issues in the NICU, including gastrointestinal problems, hemorrhaging behind her eyes, and an infection. I will never forget the panic I felt every time their heart rate or oxygen alarms went BEEP BEEP BEEP. I started to have intrusive worries that interfered with my day-to-day life. I decided to try a low dose of an anti-anxiety medication, which I had also been prescribed after my second failed IVF cycle. Combined with therapy, this medication helped me separate my rational and irrational fears and I am very thankful for that little pill!
When the twins were 2.5, I underwent another donor egg IVF embryo transfer and conceived Malia. My water broke, I went into labor, and I pushed for hours with absolutely no progress. Ultimately, I had an unplanned c-section during which she flipped breach and inhaled her amniotic fluid. She was blue, her first APGAR score was 1, and the medical team called for “all hands.” I laid in the bed thinking “I finally had a full-term baby and she is going to die.” Fortunately, after a few hours in the NICU, she was brought to my arms.
When I found out I was spontaneously pregnant with our fourth, I was petrified to give birth. I had three children and three traumatic births. None of them breathed when they were born. All of them went to the NICU. I did not want a vaginal birth and I did not want a c-section. I jokingly requested a stork, but I was truly scared. Due to my previous c-section and the short interval between my second and third pregnancies, I opted for a planned c-section. Naomi’s delivery was beautifully uneventful. I saw her delivery through the clear drape. She breathed on her own! I remember shouting “She’s breathing! Good girl!”. For the first time, I was able to hold a wet, slippery baby on my chest (ok, more like my neck). I cried tears of joy! Almost immediately she was nursing in my arms. Her birth was very healing, and I treasured finally having the blissful post-delivery golden hour of nursing and snuggles.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Becoming an instant parent of two made it apparent that all kids are different. They can eat the same food and have the same parents and be raised the same way and still have vastly different needs, schedules, and temperaments. That was a blessing for me because it prevented me from comparing myself, my parenting style, or my kids to others.
Parenting has taught me that I no longer want to spend time, money, or emotional energy on diet culture. I will no longer wake up, step on a scale, and allow those 3 numbers to make or break my day. I want my children to have a parent who models eating to nourish her body, dressing for comfort and happiness, and moving her body for energy and joy.
It has taken me four kids, 15 years, and a global pandemic to finally reject diet culture and embrace my body as it is. I would tell my former self “you are worthy.” I am on a journey toward intuitive eating, body neutrality, and self-acceptance. As I heal from dieting, I am working to respect my body for what she can do and listen to what she needs.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I am honored to be part of this project because it celebrates birthing peoples’ bodies and fosters community, support, and connection. Parenting can be isolating, challenging, and divisive, but this project is an opportunity for people to feel seen, connect over shared emotions, and learn from others’ experiences. As a hopeful parent-to-be and now as a mother I have worked to create spaces for people to connect over their shared experiences. I facilitate an infertility support group, a support group for people who are pregnant or parenting after infertility, and another for people who have a history of preterm birth and/or have had children in the NICU. Through eight years of leading peer support groups, I have learned that while the diagnosis, treatment, and outcomes of my group members could not be more different, the emotions we experience are the same. I have experienced infertility, third-party reproduction, premature birth, NICU, traumatic birth, extended breastfeeding, tandem breastfeeding, vaginal and cesarean birth, pelvic floor physical therapy, and postpartum anxiety. While some of these experiences are openly discussed amongst parents, many are not. I hope that sharing my story will help normalize some of these experiences, including the changes that may happen to our bodies as a result.
All birthing people deserve to be celebrated and I am here to celebrate what my body has done and the progress that I have made in accepting her just the way she is.