Lindsay Conley (41), Lena (6 - pictured), and Ben (4)
Buffalo, NY
Lindsay shares -
“I can say with absolute certainty, that motherhood has helped my see that my body is absolutely fucking gorgeous. I hated the first two trimesters of both my pregnancies and dealt with some pretty serious and debilitating perinatal mood disorders. By my third trimester, I felt confident, healthy and in total admiration of everything my body, despite me, could do.
Before meeting my husband and having children I had gone from weighing 220 pounds to losing over 60 pounds. I was able to maintain the weight loss for almost 4 years until having children. I’ve seen my body at it’s “prime” after years of being the quintessential dateless “fat girl” so the initial weight gain of pregnancy was very difficult for me. Regardless, it helped me shift my focus from maintaining a constant obsession with being healthy and a having certain BMI to being overall happy and able to cope with my life.
Though I’m not the size I’d like to be, I no longer feel like I have the time or need to focus my attention on a number on a scale. I still work out weekly, love eating healthy whole foods, but really just don’t have to time to worry about what my body looks like to other people. I can’t wait for a time when I’m able to sleep the night and wake up early to exercise daily. Today isn’t that time and I’m okay with it.
I had a difficult time adjusting to motherhood the first time around. I was a new stay-at-home parent three hours away from family and had few friends in the area. I didn't feel instantly accepted into moms groups and didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. I was older than some, not really into mainstream parenting, and just didn't know where I was going to fit in. I was very interested in attachment parenting, birth, and breastfeeding. Those interests guided me towards groups of women who liked talking about those things.
Looking back I know that despite seeing a phenomenal therapist (who I found on my own without the help of my doctor nor midwives), that I was dealing with some serious lifestyle adjustments and pretty depressed. I now know that I definitely had postpartum anxiety. I would feel inexplicably terrified that I was going to drop my baby. I had dealt with some pretty serious mental health issues on my 20's that included a hospital stay. It still baffles me that despite my full disclosure of this past history that neither of the practices I went to had any information nor resources to give patients like me. Six years ago it was tough having a perinatal mood disorder. I know we've come a long way in a short period of time and for that I'm grateful.
I wish I had the friends that I have now back then. It would have made a difference in my life. I loved my baby girl, but I felt like I didn't have many people to talk honestly about my feelings towards the daily grind of motherhood. For my second baby, just two years later, I felt so much more self-assured. I still had some serious struggles, but I had people who I knew had my back no matter what.
{I’m here today} because moms matter. Because, despite myself, I'm still here and living this pretty cool life that I get to share with this cute guy and great kids. Because I don't know enough superlatives to express my gratitude that I truly feel every once in a while when I think that I get to have this life with these people in this incredible community of families. “