Ashley Gresh (34 - she/her) and Kobe (15 mo)
Baltimore, MD | Washington, DC
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
During my fourth trimester there were so many times I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t even recognize myself, my body had changed so much. I had what felt like every breastfeeding problem you could imagine. Kobe was unable to latch due to a perfect storm of inverted nipples (now everted thanks to him!) and a tongue-tie, and the resultant mismatch ended up in severe engorgement (my breasts became larger than I could have possibly imagined, huge and SO painful), severe nipple trauma and open wounds on my nipples for 13 weeks. As a trained nurse midwife and proud mama I was determined to persevere breastfeeding despite all pain and discomfort, and as a result I now have scarred, everted nipples that at first were so foreign to me. I also have a beautiful breastfed baby boy that is still breastfeeding at 15 months. I have to keep reminding myself of the positives!
Adjusting to different breasts, an umbilical hernia that has added a bump to my belly and not in a glamorous way, and what feels like a constantly changing body hasn’t been easy for me. I have always had a difficult relationship with my body since I was a teenager. My weight has fluctuated so much until I found running to fulfill what I needed physically and mentally. After years of hard work I became an avid runner, but now as a mama, trying to get back in to shape, it is slow going and I keep having to remind myself that I can not go back to what I once looked like or do what I once could, but rather need to have new goals, and embrace my body with self love and acceptance. I have to keep repeating that over and over again to myself so that I can look in the mirror and embrace all the scars, the bumps, the bruises, and love it. But I have to say it’s all a work in progress.
What is your truth? What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
My mantra in the immediate postpartum period and in fact still holds true now is: “this too shall pass”. In our complex and complicated world, we are confronted with so many challenges, and as a parent there is just an extra or different layer of challenges one seems to face. But it almost always passes, even if the memories of pain, of loss, of heartbreak stay with us, the immediate pain will pass, the sleep deprivation, it will pass, the difficulties discerning our child’s needs, it will pass, the zombie like state of becoming a mama, of trying to balance school, work, life, it too shall pass. New challenges may arise, but the ebb and flow will be there always. And the lesson I keep trying to learn is to be patient, with myself and with those I love, and to trust the process. Know when to stand up for what you need and what you deserve and trust your instincts, they’re always right. And in that ebb and flow of knowing that this too shall pass find the people that love you fiercely, that cherish you, that lift you up and surround yourself with positivity - and finally love yourself even more fiercely.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Every year on my birthday, I create a mantra for myself to set the tone for the year. This year I turned 34 one month after my son turned one, and I decided this is the year of self love. I have followed this movement since I gave birth and have loved seeing all of the body positivity and embracing parents in all ways. I felt a bit like I was in survival mode for the first year of Kobe’s life, and it is almost a blur to me now, but I wanted to do something to celebrate myself becoming a mama and getting to where we are today. My postpartum was full of not only physical challenges, but also mental ones. My partner was absent not only physically (he was waiting on a visa in South Africa for most of my pregnancy, birth and 5 months postpartum) but also mentally absent for a number of reasons. My friends and family stepped in and were so supportive, I am forever grateful for their surrounding Kobe and I with their love.
In the midst of a new baby, being on my own, and breastfeeding horrors I started a PhD in nursing when Kobe was 8 weeks old. Without a steady presence of a partner it was really hard to juggle it all, to face every night alone, and to not have someone to really share the moments of: he just rolled over, he laughed for the first time, those tiny moments that are just so, so special and of course the what the hell am I doing?! moments. And I struggled with the uncertainty of would my partner ever come to the US? Would I be a single mother? Am I a single mother? It was so hard for me. But my proud and positive moments were that I stepped up to the challenges, and I brought Kobe to class and work with me until he was 6 months old. We pushed through with breastfeeding and I breastfed him while giving presentations and wore him everywhere I went, and he gained weight like a champ. My colleagues now think of him as a fellow PhD classmate, which I am beyond proud of. I even switched my PhD to focus to the postpartum period because I believe we have a lot of work to do to build spaces to support birthing parents, infants and their families.
Then after gaining this momentum, getting in to a groove with Kobe and the PhD, my partner finally got his visa and he came to the US to meet his son for the first time, to meet me as a mama for the first time. it was supposed to be this beautiful time, and there were moments of joy, but it was dark and difficult and painful. We all struggled to get to know each other as we faced so many new beginnings and transitions. I am sharing my story because it all can be so intensely hard and painful. I am sharing it to help myself heal and feel proud of what I have accomplished, but also to continue the movement to let people know they are not alone.
There is so much power in shared experiences, in finding inspiration in knowing that if you’re struggling with breastfeeding or raising a child alone, or feeling alone, there is a movement to bring us all together and this is a powerful one that I am grateful to be a part of. I am learning to love myself and to trust myself because that is the best gift I can give Kobe, to set an example of love and kindness. These photographs for me signify that I am officially embarking on my journey of self love. This too shall pass, and I am proud of myself for giving birth and giving life to this amazing little human that I know has the potential to change the world and make it a better place. And I want to be the best I can be to help guide him in his own journey of discovering the world and himself.