Suzanne

Suzanne (33 - she/her) and Lydia (6)

Minneapolis, MN

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Parenthood has shown me how strong my body and my mind are. I truly had no idea how I would be a mother to another human being. It also has shown me the love and acceptance a child has for their mother. Despite all of my own insecurities, my daughter has never shown me or my body anything but love and respect. I've begun to accept how I look, to eat to nourish my body, and to be strong and healthy to care for my child and show her how to be healthy and free in mind and spirit.

What was your postpartum experience? 

My postpartum journey is mostly foggy. I was going through the motions of caring for an infant, feeding, changing and soothing, but I didn't feel bonded at first. Breastfeeding was a struggle, I had inverted nipples and my baby struggled with my overactive let down, over supply, and gagging. For the first 7 months I struggled with recurrent mastitis, constant antibiotics, milk cultures, high fevers and just feeling miserable. It took a long time for me to love breastfeeding, for the majority of the first year I did it because it was what I was supposed to do. It took several months before I started to really cherish the time I had with my daughter.

Looking back, it's so easy to recognize the postpartum depression, however, in the moment, I was so busy with work and being a single momma that I didn't even have time to see what was happening. Once breastfeeding became easier, it was an important aspect in drawing our relationship closer. We're now over 6 years into that journey and the end is clearly nearing, but it's been a journey of respecting each other's bodies and personal development.

Weaning has been gradually and holistically occurring for several years now and there are no feelings of being rushed or regret from either of us. My doula, few close friends, and doctor were so crucial to my breastfeeding success, my "village" was so much more important that I could have imagined.

What is your truth?

Being raped doesn't mean you deserve less in relationships in the future, you are a whole person still. And no matter how much you hurt yourself after the assaults, you are not hurting the person who hurt you.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I never remember feeling love for my own body. I struggled with an eating disorder and self injury, anxiety and depression starting in early middle school through early adulthood. I was raped repeatedly in college leaving me with emotional scars that haunt me, though more quietly now that they once did. I was depressed, have PTSD and was suicidal. I've been in psychiatric hospitals for my own safety, and I'm thankful for the intervention that I was given. I've gone to great lengths to cover my body, wearing shorts swimming and always keeping my scars hidden. However, the reality is, this is my body and my body grew, gave birth to and has nourished and protected my daughter. It is strong and my daughter even says I'm beautiful. My past is part of my life, but it can't hold me back forever. I'm scared to do this, to share about the rapes, self-injury, depression and everything, but it's my reality and I'm not hiding forever.

Ashley Gresh

Ashley Gresh (34 - she/her) and Kobe (15 mo)

Baltimore, MD | Washington, DC

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

During my fourth trimester there were so many times I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t even recognize myself, my body had changed so much. I had what felt like every breastfeeding problem you could imagine. Kobe was unable to latch due to a perfect storm of inverted nipples (now everted thanks to him!) and a tongue-tie, and the resultant mismatch ended up in severe engorgement (my breasts became larger than I could have possibly imagined, huge and SO painful), severe nipple trauma and open wounds on my nipples for 13 weeks. As a trained nurse midwife and proud mama I was determined to persevere breastfeeding despite all pain and discomfort, and as a result I now have scarred, everted nipples that at first were so foreign to me. I also have a beautiful breastfed baby boy that is still breastfeeding at 15 months. I have to keep reminding myself of the positives!

Adjusting to different breasts, an umbilical hernia that has added a bump to my belly and not in a glamorous way, and what feels like a constantly changing body hasn’t been easy for me. I have always had a difficult relationship with my body since I was a teenager. My weight has fluctuated so much until I found running to fulfill what I needed physically and mentally. After years of hard work I became an avid runner, but now as a mama, trying to get back in to shape, it is slow going and I keep having to remind myself that I can not go back to what I once looked like or do what I once could, but rather need to have new goals, and embrace my body with self love and acceptance. I have to keep repeating that over and over again to myself so that I can look in the mirror and embrace all the scars, the bumps, the bruises, and love it. But I have to say it’s all a work in progress.

What is your truth? What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

My mantra in the immediate postpartum period and in fact still holds true now is: “this too shall pass”. In our complex and complicated world, we are confronted with so many challenges, and as a parent there is just an extra or different layer of challenges one seems to face. But it almost always passes, even if the memories of pain, of loss, of heartbreak stay with us, the immediate pain will pass, the sleep deprivation, it will pass, the difficulties discerning our child’s needs, it will pass, the zombie like state of becoming a mama, of trying to balance school, work, life, it too shall pass. New challenges may arise, but the ebb and flow will be there always. And the lesson I keep trying to learn is to be patient, with myself and with those I love, and to trust the process. Know when to stand up for what you need and what you deserve and trust your instincts, they’re always right. And in that ebb and flow of knowing that this too shall pass find the people that love you fiercely, that cherish you, that lift you up and surround yourself with positivity - and finally love yourself even more fiercely.

 Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

Every year on my birthday, I create a mantra for myself to set the tone for the year. This year I turned 34 one month after my son turned one, and I decided this is the year of self love. I have followed this movement since I gave birth and have loved seeing all of the body positivity and embracing parents in all ways. I felt a bit like I was in survival mode for the first year of Kobe’s life, and it is almost a blur to me now, but I wanted to do something to celebrate myself becoming a mama and getting to where we are today. My postpartum was full of not only physical challenges, but also mental ones. My partner was absent not only physically (he was waiting on a visa in South Africa for most of my pregnancy, birth and 5 months postpartum) but also mentally absent for a number of reasons. My friends and family stepped in and were so supportive, I am forever grateful for their surrounding Kobe and I with their love.

In the midst of a new baby, being on my own, and breastfeeding horrors I started a PhD in nursing when Kobe was 8 weeks old. Without a steady presence of a partner it was really hard to juggle it all, to face every night alone, and to not have someone to really share the moments of: he just rolled over, he laughed for the first time, those tiny moments that are just so, so special and of course the what the hell am I doing?! moments. And I struggled with the uncertainty of would my partner ever come to the US? Would I be a single mother? Am I a single mother? It was so hard for me. But my proud and positive moments were that I stepped up to the challenges, and I brought Kobe to class and work with me until he was 6 months old. We pushed through with breastfeeding and I breastfed him while giving presentations and wore him everywhere I went, and he gained weight like a champ. My colleagues now think of him as a fellow PhD classmate, which I am beyond proud of. I even switched my PhD to focus to the postpartum period because I believe we have a lot of work to do to build spaces to support birthing parents, infants and their families.

Then after gaining this momentum, getting in to a groove with Kobe and the PhD, my partner finally got his visa and he came to the US to meet his son for the first time, to meet me as a mama for the first time. it was supposed to be this beautiful time, and there were moments of joy, but it was dark and difficult and painful. We all struggled to get to know each other as we faced so many new beginnings and transitions. I am sharing my story because it all can be so intensely hard and painful. I am sharing it to help myself heal and feel proud of what I have accomplished, but also to continue the movement to let people know they are not alone.

There is so much power in shared experiences, in finding inspiration in knowing that if you’re struggling with breastfeeding or raising a child alone, or feeling alone, there is a movement to bring us all together and this is a powerful one that I am grateful to be a part of. I am learning to love myself and to trust myself because that is the best gift I can give Kobe, to set an example of love and kindness. These photographs for me signify that I am officially embarking on my journey of self love. This too shall pass, and I am proud of myself for giving birth and giving life to this amazing little human that I know has the potential to change the world and make it a better place. And I want to be the best I can be to help guide him in his own journey of discovering the world and himself.

Renee Heintze

Renee Heintze (35) and Cordelia (4)

Moreno Valley, CA | Denver, CO

Renee shares -

“Body image has always been a struggle for me, just like I know it has been for many. When I was younger I was always underweight and wanted to be “normal” or “womanly.” In my mid-20’s, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease and struggled with suddenly gaining weight and having to change my lifestyle to maintain my health. I also knew it could potentially impact my ability get pregnancy and I felt betrayed by my own body.

Pregnancy was a completely new and different experience for me. I watched my growing belly with pride and love, I never loved my body more than when I was growing life inside of it. Suddenly, I had no reason to feel insecure or pick anything apart in the mirror, my body was doing it’s amazing job. It gave me so much confidence. After giving birth I surprised myself by not really caring about “getting my body back.” I would sometimes feel like I should be losing weight quicker, but I accepted the fact that I was nursing another human being and tried to be gentle with myself.

Having a daughter has changed the way I see body imagine immensely. I am so careful to see and speak about my body in terms of its beauty and strength, and appreciation for what it does for me. I had been a causal runner for a few years, but when I got pregnant I injured my foot and didn’t run again until she was 2 years old. When I turned 34 (and Cordelia was almost 3) I made a promise to myself that by the time I turned 35, I would complete the sprint distance triathlon at an annual event where I ran a 5k every year.

I made a point to carve out time to take care of myself mentally and physically by swimming, biking, and running. I spent 15 weeks fighting my anxiety disorder to move daily out of my comfort zone and train for my first triathlon and on June 25th 2017, I completed it. The entire time I raced, I thought about how strong I was; how my body had grown, carried, and birthed a human life – it could take on this challenge as well. I bonded with another woman on the course about how strong we were because we were mothers.

I continue to race triathlons, half marathons and other running distances as a way to build and celebrated my inner strength and confidence. I love setting an example for my daughter of being strong and confident as a woman, celebrating our beautiful bodies, and all the amazing things they do for us. I am often aware that I don’t have the chiseled physique of many women who race at these events, but I am strong and beautiful, and I absolutely love that the sport of triathlon is full of people with all different body types and abilities getting out there and giving it their all.

My postpartum journey was a dark and difficult one. When I was 33 weeks pregnant, my father passed away suddenly from complications of H1N1 Influenza (the Swine Flu). He was one of the most important people in my life and I was beyond devastated by his loss. The loss was further complicated by the fact that I was unable to visit him in the hospital due to the nature of his illness and my pregnancy. I wasn’t able to see or speak to him or say a final goodbye. Cordelia was born 2 weeks early and it was a time of such bittersweet feelings. I was overjoyed to meet my baby and to know that she was safe and healthy, but I was still reeling from my dad’s death and was heart broken that she and my father would never have a relationship.

I pulled myself through every day with a strength that welled up from deep inside somewhere. I expected breast feeding to be simple and easy, but Cordelia and I struggled immensely for nearly 3 months to figure it out. I have inverted nipples and she had a low birth weight, and those factors combined to make a really difficult situation. I was desperate for control over something in my life and felt like I had to make this *one thing* work. I would try to feed her on each breast for 20 minutes, then I would give her pumped breast milk from a bottle, then I’d pump while she napped for about 20 minutes, and then we’d start the cycle over again. Over and over. I began to develop extreme postpartum anxiety that was triggered by the sun setting. Sunset meant another night of a colicky baby screaming for hours and another sleepless night of cycling through painful and fruitless attempts to nurse, bottle feeding, then pumping. I felt like a failure, but stubbornly kept going at the expense of my own mental health. The day Cordelia was able to nurse on her own was one of the best days of my life and we continued until she was a little over 1 year old.

Nursing became a huge bond between us. I went back to work full time when she was 4 months old, I decided I would pump during the day. I ended up pumping 4 times a day every day for 9 months – it become so taxing and I wasn’t making much milk, but I felt like I was failing if I didn’t. Finally, I had to admit to myself that I just wasn’t producing enough milk and that I was sacrificing my well-being to meet an unrealistic standard I was holding myself to. I feel like my journey through nursing and my postpartum experience has been one giant exercise in learning to be gentle and kind to myself. I’m learning to let go of control, to not push myself to the brink of a breakdown just to meet some “should” I’ve placed on my own shoulders. I’ve learned to look at all the struggles I went through in the first year of Cordelia’s life and what an incredible job I did of stepping up and being the best mother possible, as a lens to see how incredibly strong I am and the pure driving force of parental love.

I love the mission of empowerment and openness about the joys and struggles of the postpartum experience, as well body-positivity. We don't talk enough about the realities of parenthood and what happens in the 4th trimester, and I want to share my experiences as well as share a message of love, acceptance, and support. I want to do this for my daughter and all the other women out there who say, "I could never do that." You are beautiful and enough just as you are.”

Lina Castaneda

Lina Castaneda (29) and Logan (2). Lina is also mother to Li (lost to advanced ectopic pregnancy at 17 weeks) and Luna (loss at 7 weeks) 

Bogota, Colombia / Miami, Florida. Photographed in Tampa, FL

Lina shares - 

"My first birth left me feeling amazing because I gave birth naturally at home. After my second pregnancy I had a scar than runs through my belly all the way dow to the top of my pubic bone. A "classical cesarean" I think they call it. I had a ridiculously advanced pregnancy with Li at 4 months when the doctors finally realized I had an ectopic pregnancy. It resulted in a rupture of my left tube and loss of our baby at 17 weeks. The scar makes me feel like I failed, but also because I don't have mementos of my little Li, I feel that this is a way to remember the day he parted us and that I was lucky to live. That his life was given back to me to continue being Logan's mom.

A year later I became pregnant with Luna whom with lost at 7 weeks. I have a physical scar that will always remind me of my little ones whom I miss so much. I held their little lifeless bodies thinking I had failed as a mom. I thought of suicide many times but my living son needed me and thought therapy and a wonderful supportive husband I made it through.

I did terrible with breastfeeding with a breast reduction/inverted nipple/yeast infection/lip tie for the first 3 months. I had PPD partly because of this and partly because I stopped my creative work on its tracks. I took my son to every group and story time I could find and through these new friendships with newbie moms I found solidarity and support.

I want to honor and document my journey with Logan who is the perfect son and whom I haven't cherished as much because of all the chaos after our breastfeeding start. Also, I would love to help (and find support) on getting rid of the scar stigma. My scar is devotion, loss, power, a battle wound and the greatest gesture of love that my Li gave me, life."

Tara Foster

The fabulous Tara Foster with her daughter Madison Jo (3) and son Joshua Alton (9 mo). Tara always knew that she wanted to be a mother. She and her husband conceived their first pregnancy shortly after getting married and were over the moon. They told everyone and just a short time after she started spotting and miscarried. They were devastated but assumed they would be able to get pregnant again as soon as they were ready. After trying and trying with no success they decided to look into things further and learned that she wasn't ovulating regularly and her husband was having some motility issues. Just as she was getting ready to have an HSG procedure to see if her fallopian tubes were clear she learned that she was pregnant with Madison. Her pregnancy went very well and she had a midwife assisted birth in hospital which was exactly what she had hoped for. They started trying for their second as soon as she started having her cycle again and were able to conceive Joshua within 11 months of trying. Her second pregnancy went wonderfully also and her midwife had moved to a birthing center which was a dream of Tara's and she had another amazing birth. Tara has inverted nipples so nursing Madison was a challenge at first and she had to learn to use a shield, she was never able to wean off of it so 3 plus years later she's still using one for her. She was able to latch Joshua without complication and without the shield which has been wonderful. She says she is mostly a referee when she tandem feeds but is so grateful to have the relationship with each of them. Tara is very comfortable with her body and wants to promote positive body image for her children. She hopes that by showing them confidence helps to impart their own self love.