Marianna Como (33 - she/her), mother to Levon (4.5) and Keats (2.5)
Minneapolis, MN
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Motherhood didn't make me love my body. Becoming a mother didn't heal my relationship with my body after so many years of tearing it down. I wasn't able to breastfeed either of my babes because I had a breast reduction when I was 19, so I immediately felt this sense of failure. It has stayed with me, and I sometimes feel like the gift I gave my children, the work my body did for them, is somehow less powerful, less remarkable, less natural even than what other people have given their children. I don't look at the parts of my body that I used to loathe and immediately accept them because they had to stretch to accommodate the lives of two human beings. So, my body image is still in a process of repair.
One thing that has changed, though, is that I have less time to worry about my body and maybe even less time to value it in a superficial way. Even though my relationship with my body and my body image is often tense, it's a work in progress and I'm trying to accept myself so I can pass that along to my children. I had no idea how strong I was until I birthed a human. Until I walked across the street carrying two kids in my arms. Until I managed to feed two people who wanted desperately to refuse any food presented to them unless it was covered in either chocolate chips or ketchup and still somehow remembered to feed myself. Until I hadn't slept more than a few hours over the course of the night, night after night, and still managed to remember my name. That's becoming more important to me than what I see in the mirror. I wish it hadn't taken this long.
What was your postpartum experience?
My entry into motherhood was a surprisingly intense experience for me. I love my kids beyond words, and I also feel an unsustainable amount of pressure to be perfect. To take care of myself, to make sure they're okay, to feed everyone, to be the recipient of everyone's emotions without taking every single one on myself, to fit society's idea of a good mother and also fulfill expectations I had for myself and what I internalized growing up about what I should do with my life professionally.
I know I had anxiety before I had children, but I found ways to manage it. Since my first kiddo was born, my anxiety sometimes feels totally unmanageable. There are so many decisions to make: what school they should go to, which books they should read, which toys will help them reach their potential (whatever that means!). So, motherhood has felt overwhelming in a lot of ways. I think of how it felt to wake up totally in control (more or less) of how my day went. I woke up on my own clock. I probably had coffee by myself or with my partner. We went for hikes and only stopped if WE felt like stopping. And then I think about the joy I feel when I see my guys' faces. I get to read books with them and hear their questions; I get to hear their own stories and watch them dance and sing and exist in a way that feels totally authentic to THEM, because they're too young to think there's any other way to be. I get to experience things I love again for the first time through them, and I get to learn about things I never explored because it's what they care about. Sometimes, I still feel like being a mother is more pressure than I could possibly bear, and that's when I tune out the noise, tune into my little family, and savor every precious, chaotic moment we have together.
What is your truth?
My truth is that, if I can let go of fear and the need for control, I am capable of so much love - for my children, for my partner, for myself, the world. My truth is also that self-acceptance and self love didn't just happen overnight when I became a mom; it still hasn't happened, but I'm getting there. I desperately wish I could tell my younger self to go for anything she could possibly reach for. I held myself back because I was scared, and unconfident, and I wish I could give that girl a little push out into the world and tell her she'll be okay. She might fall down, she might doubt herself, but she's stronger than she knows. We really all are.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Having children didn’t undo decades of internalizing media messages about what body parts it’s okay for women to hold a little extra skin on and which ones need to be taut and unobtrusive. But right now, after being a mother for 4.5 years, I’m finally beginning to let go of some things that have had a tight grip on me for as long as I can remember. What if I accepted that I don’t always have control? What if I accepted that I’m not always perfect? What if I accepted that same human imperfection in my children? And, most powerfully for me personally, what if I stopped being concerned with other people’s perception of me, my accomplishments, my way of mothering, or the behavior of my children? To release myself from those societal pressures we all feel so fully and so deeply is why I’m doing the 4th Tri project.
Sometimes, I feel like I would be freer and more accepting of myself if I lived in a world in which clothing weren’t so important. Hiding our bodies leads to the fetishization of those bodies, which in turn leads to the hierarchy of bodies that’s so prevalent today. I think I feel most comfortable in my skin when there’s nothing actually covering up or hiding that skin. Taking away our ornamentation takes the focus off of our bodies, because everyone’s exoskeleton is exposed, and lets us see each other as the humans we are. This cycle makes me realize just how much of my own thinking about and judgment of my own body stems from our patriarchal, capitalist society.
I wanted to do 4th Tri in order to start to shed some basic elements of the entrenched fetishization, scrutiny, and shame of our bodies we all encounter, starting with my clothing and my fear of letting me be seen in my own skin. Without clothes to hide behind, I can just BE. And I hope other womxn feel empowered to trust themselves and express themselves, no matter what messages they've internalized throughout their lives. 4th Trimester Bodies Project is helping people do that, and I'm so honored to get to be some tiny part of it.