Rachelle Barck (32 - she/her) and Norah (8) and Nels (6)
Cincinnati, OH {Virtual session captured via CLOS}
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
My whole life I've been the girl that could eat whatever she wanted to eat and not gain weight. People, mainly adult women, had no problem accusing me of having an eating disorder or telling me that one day it will catch up to me when I went to college or had kids or hit 30, etc. It made me feel like there was this unavoidable dark cloud up ahead and I had better enjoy my body while I could. It made me feel like my body after college or kids or 30 wouldn't be worth celebrating. I couldn't disagree more and I can't imagine saying those words to a young person. I'm glad I realized this when I was pregnant with my oldest. I read something while I was pregnant with Norah that said mothers should not criticize their bodies in front of their children, especially their daughters. In my kids' eyes, I'm the best mom and if I don't like myself, then why should they like themselves? It was really a turning point for me. I didn't want my kids to ever have a negative self image. I gained 60 pounds during my first pregnancy and just assumed I wouldn't lose most of it and I accepted it, bought a bunch of new clothes after Norah was born, and made a rule in my house that no one could talk badly about their bodies in front of my kids. I still enforce this rule, and I'm the most strict with myself. I want my kids to know that I love my body because it's strong and capable and really good at cuddling. I think parenthood has made me love my body even more than I thought was possible.
What was your postpartum experience?
My doctor joked that I was basically allergic to being pregnant. I didn't have all of the pregnancy symptoms, but almost. While I was miserable for the majority of the pregnancies, my babies must have been very comfortable because they did not want to be born! Gestational Hypertension meant that I had to be induced with Norah. After a 2 day induction and about 12 hours of labor, contractions became weaker and they couldn't safely give me any more Pitocin. My water had broken and I was told that I could have a C-section now, while the baby and I were doing well, or wait until the next morning and risk it being an emergency C-section. I was exhausted and hungry and I consented to the C-section. They wanted to wheel me into the OR but I refused and walked myself in there and hopped up on the table. I felt like a failure for needing a C-section. My body was supposed to be able to birth my perfectly healthy baby. I craved a natural birth and I failed.
Norah was born healthy, but for reasons I didn't understand, they restrained my wrists out at my sides and they wrapped her up and had her dad take her away to the nursery after she was laid on me for a few minutes. I was stitched up and sent to post-op where I was left alone for about an hour. I just wanted to be with my baby. When they finally brought me up to my room, my baby wasn't there. A nurse came in to check on me and I had to say that all I wanted was to hold my baby. They had given Norah a bath in the nursery and I never got to do skin to skin with her beforehand.
My milk came in quickly but I was so swollen that I had nothing for Norah to latch onto. I worked with a lactation consultant, but they just said that I probably couldn't nurse, but that I could pump. Again, I felt like a failure. I persevered and pumped for almost 10 months. By that point I was only getting about 8 oz of milk a day and the reason I stopped was because I had to have an emergency surgery to remove a large ovarian cyst that was twisting. I hated pumping and I didn't want to have to take care of a baby and recover from a surgery and still have to pump. I was proud of myself for pumping for that long.
When I became pregnant with Nels, I wanted to go about it differently. I wanted to do everything I could to have a VBAC, I still craved a natural birth and hadn't gotten over my previous C-section. At 8 weeks I met with a midwife who couldn't find a heartbeat and sent me in for an ultrasound and then referred me to a doctor. I was told that my right ovary was very large, hiding the fetus, and that it would have to be monitored and that I had to see a doctor going forward, not a midwife. 3 weeks later I was getting ready for work and I started having severe pain. I knew the ovary was twisting, it felt like the cyst from the year before, only worse. I was admitted to the ER and left alone in a room on a table and by time someone came in to examine me I was paralyzed with pain and shouting down the hall for drugs. They had to verify the problem and I never wanted an internal ultrasound less than in that moment. I needed surgery to remove the ovary that was now about 7 inches in diameter. They told me they'd have to cut vertically because I was pregnant, and that since I was in my first trimester, that I might lose my pregnancy. During pre-op, I suddenly started hemorrhaging, I felt a gush of warm blood between my legs. I was terrified but I had to go into surgery. I woke up still in so much pain, and not knowing if I was still pregnant. Ultrasounds in the days that followed showed that I was still pregnant but that my placenta had started to detach. I was told that I was now high risk and could go into pre-term lablor and that I would only be able to have very limited physical activity for the remainder of the pregnancy. I was sent home to recover and hope that my body held on to the pregnancy. The recovery was rough, all movement was excruciating. My body managed to hang onto Nels and all the pregnancy symptoms I experienced with Norah showed up again, only worse. With Nels my gestational hypertension turned into preeclampsia at 35 weeks and they attempted to induce me a week later, but it didn't work. They said they could break my water to see if that pushed me into labor, but I knew it wouldn't. I decided to go ahead with another unplanned C-section. This time I had a list of demands; I didn't want my arms strapped down and I wanted to do skin to skin right away and they were not to give my baby a bath. Nels was born healthy but there was a clicking noise when he breathed so he was sent to the nursery with his dad to be examined and monitored (after a little skin to skin time with me). I went to post-op with my doula and I will be eternally grateful that she was there with me to keep me company and get a nurse or anything else I needed. I got to my room and Nels was brought to me and I conquered nursing this time and only had to pump for him while I was at work until he was weaned!
Again I failed at the natural birth that I wanted, but Nels' birth really helped me get over the trauma of Norah's birth and allowed me to forgive myself for not being capable of giving birth in a way that I was not destined to do.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Love yourself and your body everyday and at every stage of your life and give yourself some grace. Also definitely get a doula if you can.
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
I wouldn't have believed I could ever simultaneously be a stay at home parent and have a career and homeschool my elementary school aged children, yet here I am. The pandemic has been a trying time for us all. I'm very fortunate to have maintained my career while primarily working from home during this time and I'm even more fortunate for my kids' amazing teachers that somehow make distance learning work. All the extra time together has really strengthened our bods as a family, so through all this, I am still so grateful.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I've been following ash and 4th Trimester Bodies Project on social media for years, but I didn't have the courage to participate until a friend did it before covid and another friend encouraged me to do it as well. I hope that my story can encourage other birthing parents to persevere and give themselves some grace and forgiveness along the way.