Colleen Reid

Colleen Reid (40), mother to Finnegan Danger (12) and Eamon Prufrock (5)

Oak Park, IL

Colleen shares -

I had a miscarriage before I knew I was pregnant, and before I realized I wanted kids. It was early, but I named her Scarlett, and losing her was very hard. Like each of my children, she changed my path and taught me many things. She was a gift, and I’m grateful for her, even if our time together was short.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

The journey to accepting my body has been purposeful, and the road has been winding. I have been abused most of my life, specifically sexually, but emotionally as well. Up until only a few years ago, the abuse was daily and I was not free to be myself.

I felt the pressure to be beautiful at a young age. My idea a feminine was based in abuse, codependency, and unattainable cultural expressions of femininity. In college, I toyed with my gender a bit, trying on masculinity for size, ultimately becoming more and more comfortable with being femme after I had children.

I went though a time where the sexual abuse was so overwhelming, and so destructive, that I told my partner I was asexual, fully believing this was the case. His response was not supportive. I was not allowed to be asexual. I was expected to have sex with him, and if I wouldn’t, it was sex therapy or divorce. It was made clear that this was a crucial piece of who I was supposed to be, and I wasn't doing it right. But my body had never been mine. My choice had never been respected. And who I was as a sexual being was completely unknown to me. Because I had never *really* consented. I acquiesced, as was expected, by the men in my life who ‘needed’ things from me. And when I tried to pull back, or take distance from the sexual part of my relationships, I was emotionally abused and blamed for their unhappiness. Crying through sex, and panic attacks with sex were my normal.

I became unexpectedly pregnant with Finnegan on the very day that my father died. I don’t believe in many things, but I strongly believe that he was a gift from my dad on his way out. Initially, I was elated. But it didn’t take long for things to get messy. I developed hyperemesis gravidarum. I lost nearly 50#. I lost a lot of hair, and ruined my teeth, and the severity of the malnutrition also gave me osteopenia and serious spinal problems. I didn’t eat or poop for weeks on end, and my organs began shutting down, which is intensely painful. My doctors tried to comfort me by telling me that women in German concentration camps were able to have healthy babies as long as they were able to stay hydrated, and that starvation didn’t harm their fetuses.

My body was failing me. I was so hopeful that his experience would be redemptive, and beautiful. I wanted to be the divine feminine as I grew, and labored. But instead I was hospitalized more than a half dozen times, given 5 rounds of steroids, and home care for daily IV fluids and medications round the clock. I was broken. And there was just no hope for me. I felt stupid for thinking I would be capable of anything more.

The home birth I dreamed of was taken from me as I developed pre-eclampsia. And I literally sobbed the entire way home from the doctor and while I packed. I felt certain the hospital would kill me, and I would die. It was a HORRIBLE hospital, and a terrible experience. He was occiput posterior with a brow presentation, and very difficult to deliver. I was given an epidural to control my blood pressure bc they worried I’d have a stroke. And then they cut my vagina open to make the delivery easier. It all felt barbaric and terrifying. But I survived, and I brought home my baby and heavily stitched perineum two days before Xmas.

Nursing was a very pivotal piece of body acceptance for me. My breasts were GIGANTIC. After having HG, I was also very thin. I felt terribly vulnerable to predators and men who would hurt me walking around with these giant things. It was also really difficult for me to deal with constant NEED for my body from my son, and surrendering myself to the demand of another, even a baby, was triggering.

But I was determined to do what was best for him, and stuck it out. And magically, something wonderful happened. I grew to love my breasts, and the power that they gave me to soothe his sweet child. That was the first time in my life that I ever liked having a body. My tiny boy taught me to find safety in surrender, and within my skin. And it was so amazing. It changed me. I even wrote about it and was eventually published on the cover of International Doula Magazine.

I became a Birth Doula, La Leche League Leader, child birth educator, and a bereavement and abortion Doula. I also helped pioneer the nation’s first integrative model of care that included birth doulas, midwives, and OBs. I spoke at several conferences and am quoted in a handful of books and articles. I found my place helping women see the strength and beauty in their own bodies. It was redemptive, and beautiful, and the most satisfying work.

Years went by, and the issues from my pregnancy worsened, leading me to have two spinal surgeries, and 2.5 years in physical therapy. All of this left me with permanent nerve damage in my right leg from the hip down, and parts of my abdomen and genital region. This was the beginning of disability for me. And it was hard to shake the feeling that pregnancy broke me. And it must have broken me because I’m less than. Inferior. Not entitled. Just like with sex.

It became clear that having more babies was a terrible idea. And I grieved. I had a Mirena placed, and I tried to move on. But that Mirena migrated due to a hyperflexed uterus, and a nerve damaged pelvic floor. Most of the time they fall right out— but mine was embedded in my cervix, and not working. At my 5 week placement check, they informed me it wasn’t working.

I was pregnant.

I wrestled a lot with this pregnancy. I decided it was a gift, since I had wanted another baby so badly, and hoped that my years as a birth worker had prepared me for another difficult pregnancy. But HG is never easy. I managed to only lose about 25# this time, ultimately gaining weight by the end, which was better than showing up to deliver almost 30# under my pre-pregnancy weight.

But I was also having pre-term labor from about 20 weeks, and was literally covered in some kind of hives that were relentlessly ugly and itchy and miserable. And my blood pressure continued to climb as the weeks went by, and the medication wasn’t helping as much as it should have been. I went to MFM every week. And there were always questions about my baby’s movements and behavior. He was too energetic. They always asked if I was diabetic. But I wasn’t. Something was off, and we didn’t know what.

At 34+5, my blood pressure was raging. Eamon was growth restricted, measuring small, and it was time to meet him. I was contracting like crazy but not feeling it yet, likely due to the nerve damage in my abdomen. When checked, I was 3cm and 60%. It was time.

After helping so many women champion their births, I was really hoping I could have a smooth birth with no problems. But what I got was the most traumatic experience of my life.

Eamon came in 3 contractions once it was time to push. He was 4#10, and only 16” long. The tiniest of things. They whisked him away to the NICU almost immediately. My OB gave me a moment with him, but the Neo people were not happy about that. It was time to deliver the placenta, and then sit in that strange space where you’ve just had a baby but you don’t HAVE a baby because they took it from you. Except the placenta wouldn’t come. The cord was brittle and broke. The placenta was degraded badly, and needed to be manually extracted. For the birth muggles here, it means my doctor put his entire fist inside of me up to his elbow, and fished out my raggedy placenta piece by piece. We had no idea why it was such a mess, but he thought the preterm labor was likely because the placenta couldn’t provide baby with adequate nutrition any longer, and that perhaps it formed poorly due to the damned mirena that was still in when I got pregnant. It’s also worth mentioning that my OB was also my boss of almost 10 years. Getting fisted by your boss in front of an audience is super awful, even if you understand the necessity.

I cried desperately in the days following, because I feared I had made a horrible mistake by having him. That perhaps I didn’t want another baby after all. I knew it was okay to not be in love with him yet. But I didn’t even want to be. My body had broken him. And he needed so much help. And it was all my fault.

He was intensely colicky. I was forced to leave all of my jobs to care for him. Crying every single hour of his life until at least 3 years old. He nursed every 2 hours exclusively for 18 months because he refused to eat solid foods— he has a litany of issues to manage now, though he is a happy boy. And the guilt I experience over not having done better for him seems to be inescapable.

I was soon divorced. With a special needs baby, a body that didn’t work, no job, and nothing going for me. But slowly, slowly, I found myself. And at 37 years old, I learned the true meaning of consent. And I learned the true beauty of sharing your body with someone you love. And THAT changed everything.

That tiny preemie just turned 5. He doesn’t know he’s special. Or that he’s difficult. His brother is 12. No one hurts me anymore. I’ve discovered that I’m queer (pansexual), and the joy I take from bodies in general, has been so redemptive. I have leaned to love me through loving others who look like me. And while it’s still difficult to love a body that doesn’t work, or that hurts me all the time, I think we’re going to be okay. This chubby broken body of mine is MINE now.

What is your truth?

I am braver than you think I am. I am stronger than you think I am. I can do impossible things. I’m smart, and I’m capable, and being disabled doesn’t change that. I also strongly believe that people treat you according to who they are, not who you are, or your value as a person.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

This is a hard question. I watched almost everyone I know participate. And I have been afraid. I held back the ugliest parts of my story at the gathering, because I feel like most people just can’t deal with it. As a retired birth worker, I’m sensitive to triggering others, or causing secondary trauma in others. I also don’t like the way people look at me afterward when I speak my full truth. The sharing was hard, but the photos were easy. It took me a long time to allow myself into that healing space. Because I have a lot of work to do, and I don’t have time to do it. The trauma is soooo big. And it’s all wrapped up in my abusive marriage and sex work and being queer.... who I am is in that story. And I guess I’m afraid to show people that. Because I know I’m awesome, but I don’t take it well when other people don’t think so. I guess I was afraid of confronting those triggers. Thank you for giving me the space and the encouragement to do this. 🖤

GL

GL (34) and GL (4.5)

Los Angeles, CA

Have you experienced any pregnancy loses?

[I’ve had an abortion and a miscarriage] All with the same person in the span of 8+ yrs and all without his support. As painful as all may have been, they have all shaped the woman and Mom I am today. And while I am the one constant, they all have helped me ride out the changes, struggles, and growing pains. And they are the reason why I worked up the courage to speak up about past trauma and abuse and to move onward from a life of shame and secrecy to one of strength and self-love.

It wasn't until I was in the sharing circle for my 4TBP participation that I shared with complete strangers for the first time. And from that extra special gift on Mother's Day, there has been a huge shift and release of ton of weight I had been carrying for years. Right after I first gained courage to speak up about my truth and painful toxic past with my ex, there was a shift in our society where women felt safer to share of their own stories. And with those few steps forward, there goes the dance of life with some steps back from progress with the current abortion ban. With ongoing therapy and joy of parenting GL, I am now at peace with past choices. But heart hurts for others who have been stripped of their rights to choose.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Parenthood has been so good to my mind body and soul in so many ways. One of them being body image. I would say I had body image issues from early on -- with looking different from my cousins and Mom to being bullied as the new kid in junior high to having low self-esteem. I was at my lowest adult body weight with my ex and gained weight between pregnancies. And gained little weight during pregnancy but gained weight with breastfeeding when everyone else I knew lost all their baby weight, plus more, while nursing. But I still kept at it and continue to do so today -- 1730 days and counting! And since I stepped forward at the end of 2017 and started working out regularly, I have actually put on even more weight. Not just from building muscle but from the chronic stress and trauma.

Still, I know motherhood has changed me for the better because I am okay with the weight loss going at a gradual pace and don't compare myself to my skinnier past self. I will not pass down any body image issues and try to eat healthfully and show/raise my son to make healthier food choices and remain active on a regular basis. I now enjoy zumba, cycling, strength training, and yoga and don't work out to lose weight but to release stress and rewire my brain to regain strength and confidence. And to show my son that ANY BODY CAN MOVE. As long as I can carry/solo travel with my 40+lb child and wear him if need be during our weekly hikes and perform all the roles of parenting by myself every hour of every day, I will proudly wear my scars and extra weight and stretch marks. Knowing all that this body has endured in my short life and having provided for my child all his life, I am in awe of what my body is capable of and am far more gentle towards myself and so much more confident in myself and my body than I would have ever been pre-parenthood. Even if my body still has yet to fully process and release all of the painful past, I am learning to love it for what it is at this present stage. And that is another one of life's many blessings in disguise.

What was your postpartum experience?

My entire life changed when GL was conceived and again when he was born and again when I was "snapped into reality" with a second chance at life in 2017. But even if reality and expectations did not match up and my world was turned upside down, one thing I am so certain and confident and grateful for is the deep bond I share with GL. I felt so strongly connected to GL since the moment the ER nurse revealed I was pregnant. I did all I could to protect him and myself and started bonding with him early on. Most likely from what had happened before and during pregnancy. I was overjoyed he picked me. Even with extreme nausea and the decision to steer clear of the medication that made it worse. The doctor scheduled a cesarean but thankfully, GL had other plans. I went into early labor a little into my 37th week and decided to be discharged to get a good meal and sleep in my own bed until I felt the need to go back to the hospital. I went back the next day and remember everything from my birthing experience -- all the feelings, nurses' chatter, the doctor's "requests". I also remember what I was doing before and during my little sister's birth, so I guess some things stick. I still remember the nurse's paella recipe she shared as I was taking a break from pushing. As traumatic as my pregnancy and birthing experience was, GL came out healthy and the bonding only grew stronger outside the womb.

The nurses tried to get me to tape a tube to my nipples to supplement with formula but am so glad I went with my gut and let my flow come. And am so grateful to have been able to nurse with my past surgery and family history. I went to weekly lactation groups and have continued breastfeeding until today. Yup, when others said I could not, should not, will not have a baby nor breastfeed. GL is a happy social kind loving kiddo who is BF at 4. 1730+ days of nursing.

I was not prepared for the painful healing from the tears and hemorrhoids and I’m still dealing with them to this day. The hardest parts of this postpartum period -- along with the grief/absence/counter parenting -- were when I was crawling around with broken foot at 5mo postpartum, when I had food poisoning, and working through loss while remaining present for/homeschooling GL. But I have truly loved being a mother and find joy, even in the darkest of days, every day from having my most favorite teacher in my son. Being a single parent and working through past trauma has shown me how strong I am. And my son's confidence in me encourages me to dig deeper and fill my cup with all the forms of self-care. Because I matter.

What is your truth?

As cliche as it is, trust your gut. Your guttural reaction is almost always pushing you forward and/or protecting you. And it always knows you the best. And if some thing in life or someone in your life has dimmed your light or made you question your voice, I hope you know that you are worth all the love and all the healing and all the lessons and all the time that will pull you out of that hole. You are so much bigger and so much stronger than what he/she/they had you believe and YOU ALONE ARE ENOUGH. Just as you are, right now and then and there. You are a survivor and warrior and will continue to thrive.

And if there is any other Mama out there living in fear, please reach out. I promise there will be at least one person willing to help or guide you to safety. And if there is anyone reading this who may feel "less than" for having a child out of wedlock or for not conforming to societal standards, you can be a single parent and be a joyful one at the same time. Do not let society or others strip you of your joy and worth and love.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

"Do one thing everyday that scares you" I have been following 4TBP since pregnant with GL when I was not welcomed by my community -- Asians, past, friends etc (but had not been active on social media past couple years). As silly as it may sound, scrolling through the instagram page provided a sense of hope and inspiration, along with belonging and community. In complete strangers. I wondered if I would ever be able to openly share my story and my body. I truly feel that the little seed of confidence and courage was planted then which bloomed and catapulted me into this season of metamorphosis.

I came across the call for LA stories a day before the shoot --wee hours of the night after an off putting encounter with a male acupuncturist who made rude comments about my body in front of myself and another patient-- and immediately contacted 4TBP. I strongly felt that the serendipitous timing was my call to step into the light. To own my truth and my story. And to put my past insecurities to test by showing others my body at its heaviest and all its scars (including the cupping hickies all over my body). To practice loving all of myself as I am at this moment -- physically and emotionally. To put a face to a survivor and thriving child from a single mother. To share to another hurting Mama that YOU CAN DO IT-- scary as hell but you can steer your own ship.

After the initial excitement, I felt myself scared and shameful again -- didn't have a black bra that fit, logistical fears, my son and I never gotten professional photos. And even when we were running late, Ash and Flowers embraced me with such grace - I am so glad I worked through all the anxieties and negative self-talk and just showed up for myself and my son. And maybe also for that one Mama who may come across our picture and story and find hope for better days and inspiration to start the change. I am hopeful for more support for other single Mamas out there -- especially, but not exclusively, in the Asian communities. Because how you became a mother should not determine your worth as a parent. And because we should lend an embrace before passing judgment and lift each other up in this difficult journey of life. It is hard and lonesome as it is, let's be there for one another, lets continue to SPEAK UP AND OUT. 

Leila Margolis

Leila Margolis (29), Elle (6) and Sidney (7 months)

San Diego.

Leila shares - 

"I had one abortion at age 19. I grew up pro choice and always, and still, believed that women should have the right to safe and legal abortions. I also grew up in an emotional, and physically abusive household full of domestic violence. I was surrounded by people who were incapable of providing for their children both financially and emotionally. I knew deep down in my heart that when I became a mother it would only be if I could provide the better situation that I was raised in. So being 19, in college and living paycheck to paycheck without a stable partner was not what I promised for my future children.

What I didn’t expect was to have such a negative emotional reaction. The only way I can explain it is that my head knew that having an abortion was the right thing to do but my heart ached to be a mother. I feel into a deep depression after having my procedure. I felt like a bad liberal because I wasn’t automatically relieved after the procedure. BUT I knew I had made the right decision after my on again off again boyfriend explained to me his plan to abandon the unborn child and me if I chosen to have the baby.

I struggled with an eating disorder form the age of 12. After having my daughter my body image hit an all time low and I feel into a vicious cycle of bulimia, over exercising, and starving myself to lose the “baby weight”. But I never lost enough weight, never looked good enough, and created my total self worth based on what I weighed. The one thought that caused me to seek treatment and ultimately find recovery from my eating disorder was the thought of my daughter face down in a toilet bowl purging because she thought she was fat. I couldn’t continue to harm myself and expect my daughter to love her body. She was going to learn how to treat herself based on how I treated myself, and I was being a horrible example.

I was surprised to find my idea of feminism changing drastically after I had my daughter. I always thought I would be a hard working career mom because that is what it meant to be an empowered woman. But I came to realize that I adored my children and wanted to be there for them full time, so I quite my job at Planned Parenthood to become a stay at home mother. I am so lucky to financially be able to stay home with my children, and I am thankful for it everyday. I struggled to find acceptance as a young mother, I often felt judged and looked down upon. People often assumed I was my daughter’s nanny or that I didn’t know what I was doing as a parent. I often felt like I had to justify my right to have my daughter young.

I also struggled to come to terms with my own childhood. Becoming a mother helped me realize that my parents never loved me in the way I love my daughter. I was lovingly attached to my daughter, and that is how I realized I never had that attachment to my own parents. I realized that as child I was often neglected, unfed and abused. It was a long struggle to deal with the years of suppressed trauma but I did, in an effort to stop the cycle and give my children a fighting chance at a happy childhood.

After Elle turned 5 my husband and I decided to have our son Sidney, he arrived 6 years ,9 days and 5 min after my daughter, weighed the same 7 pounds 7 ounces and arrived sunny side up just like his sister. After struggling with breastfeeding his sister - I ended up pumping exclusively and supplementing with formula for 6 months with her - I was determined to breast feed my son. After engorgement, latch issues, bleeding nipples, and an emergency surgery for Sid where he couldn’t eat for 36 hours we finally found a groove. I love breastfeeding Sidney and I am glad I personally decided to work so hard for it.

Trust your gut. And take all the help you need, no one does it alone."

Kathleen Olinger

The wonderful Kathleen Olinger, mother to Landon (5), Korbin (3), and Fallon (12 months).

Kathleen conceived her first child Landon, in her freshman year of college via a casual relationship with someone back home. Kathleen was raised to believe the worst about women's reproductive rights. Her mother was staunchly pro-life, her father lived over 1,000 miles away and she says, "I was also taught abstinence to be the only form of birth control, among other religious tales". Her parents learned she'd lost her virginity the day she told her mother she was pregnant. "I continued my life as if I was not pregnant, then ultimately decided it would be best to end the pregnancy. I called the abortion clinic for information. They refused to give me information without an appointment and deposit and I broke down and had second thoughts. After I decided to carry the baby to term, I debated putting the baby up for adoption".

Kathleen's parents were divorced before her second birthday, which was painful for her, and as a result, marriage and children, were never a part of her plan. She was only nineteen, but ultimately chose to raise her son with support from select family members and friends.

Kathleen developed Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) during her pregnancy which made it even more difficult to navigate. Just before her son was born, the relationship with his father turned far more abusive, physically and verbally. After over a year of abuse, she decided it would be best to move to Virginia with her brother and on his first birthday, they did just that. Within a year of their move, she met her husband and within a few months they were engaged, then married the following summer. His son, Korbin, was only five months old when they was introduced to him. Her son's father chose to voluntarily terminate his rights after their wedding and her husband was able to adopt him.

By the end of the following year, they decided to plan for another baby as her schooling came to an end. She had great hopes for an easy second pregnancy, but the HG returned. She was so severely dehydrated that she became delirious at times and passed out when she was home alone with her boys. "HG is the hardest thing I have ever been through, twice. I chose not to medicate this time because the medication was not effective with the first pregnancy. Somehow, we made it through my second battle with HG and to the birth of our daughter".

"I never wanted to be a wife, I never dreamed of being a mother. Whatever the reasons, it seems at a minimum, to be ironic now. Being a mother is the most difficult, yet most beautiful work. Marriage is never easy. In our blended family, raising children who are not biologically yours is incredibly hard, but we are giving it our all and learning daily. We work to have intentional, open and honest conversations with our children. I have been a mother contemplating abortion, a single mother, a stepmother, a working mother and a stay at home mother. I am a survivor of assault and abuse. I am an HG warrior. I have had a medicated birth and an unmedicated birth. I hope that my versatile story can reach women who have walked through similar situations. Motherhood brings forth intense, raw emotion and purpose. It is demanding and tiring, but there is so much love. Somehow, the sun still rises".

Michelle Brundage

The lovely Michelle Brundage, Elizabeth (6), and Aubrey (9 months)

Michelle always knew she wanted to be a mother but didn't think it was something she'd ever get to experience. She grew up lacking confidence, self esteem and was emotionally and physically abused until she was 16. In adulthood, Michelle struggled with obesity and experienced a severe health trauma at 23 when she had to have emergency spinal surgery. 

The injury left Michelle with severe nerve damage from the waist down, she was unable to walk, move her right leg, or relieve her bladder and bowls. She spent over a month in the hospital learning to walk again with assistance and after months of rehab and therapy she learned to walk on her own again, and regain bowel and bladder functions. The injury left her emotionally damaged and she was positive no one would ever love her and she wouldn't have the opportunity to be a mother.

Nine months after her initial surgery, Michelle had a follow up operation to help with the nerve damage and one day she says she just decided that she was going to be herself, and allow someone into her mind and heart. She met her husband when she was 25 and knew immediately he was the one who would love her unconditionally, and make her a wife and mother. He never judged her on her weight, disabilities or past and saw her for who she truly was and loved all of her.

They had been together for 1.5 years before unexpectedly finding out she was pregnant. Within a couple weeks they got over the initial shock and began to look forward to having the baby. Pregnancy with Elizabeth went well and she only had minor challenges with back pain and her weight. Michelle never progressed or went into labor with Elizabeth and was scheduled for a cesarean, 16 days post dates. The birth itself went great but Michelle was separated from her for an hour while in recovery which was shocking and made her anxious. Nursing was difficult due to flat nipples which complicated her latch and Elizabeth had already been given a bottle by the nurses by time Michelle was reunited with her. She ended up exclusively pumping and after being discharged spiraled into postpartum depression.

Michelle's milk supply suffered along with her depression and she stopped producing within one month postpartum. She reached out to her doctors for help with the depression and soon began to feel better. Michelle and her husband officially wed at 29 and she felt so much joy. They knew they wanted to have another child eventually but wanted to wait a while. Michelle injured her back a second time and her surgeon told her that if she did not loose the weight she would not be able to have another baby and would be sacrificing her life. "Weighing in at 292lbs at my max I decided enough was enough. I went through counseling to prepare my mind for the weight loss journey. I had a gastric bypass surgery at 31. It was a huge success for me"

Unfortunately during that winter, Michelle fell on ice and injured her back again. This time it involved a major surgery and a long recovery. Her heart had been so sad during all of these challenges and she just wanted another baby so bad. "Every time a friend or family member got pregnant, I was so sad. Not for them but because I yearned for a baby so badly". After her recovery and loosing a total of 130lbs, Michelle conceived her second daughter Aubrey.

This pregnancy was tough on her body and she had a lot of back and pelvic pain. She developed reactive hypoglycemia and was put on bed rest at 7 months gestation. Michelle was prescheduled for another cesarean and was worried that the epidural would not take due to a metal bar placed in my back and while the doctor was successful in placing the epidural, it only took to half of my body. She felt everything on her right side while she was being cut open and while it was the most painful thing she had experienced, Michelle was determined to see her daughter be born. Once the doctor had her out and allowed Michelle to see her, they put her under general anesthesia.

Aubrey was not a fan of nursing so Michelle began to pump exclusively. She pumped for 6 months straight and had enough milk stored to get her to 8 months before transitioning her to formula. "It was the best experience and it made me feel powerful and strong." Michelle returned to work at 12 weeks postpartum and suffered from depression again but was able to seek treatment quickly. "It was a great decision and something I will not feel shame for."

"Having had two c-sections and not been able to have my babies latch has been tough enough for me to go through. Having other mothers opinions on my experience and many saying that I did not experience "real birth" or " real nursing" was hurtful. I know how hard I worked for my babies and to bring them into this world. My babies were fed real breast milk, weather it was for 1 month or 8 months - I did the best I could do to provide them the best. My body has many scars and a lot of heavy saggy skin from loosing weight and surgeries, and having my babies. My body is my constant work of art. I will continue my journey to health and happiness for myself and my beautiful girls. My story is real and it is mine. I am strong and I am a mother. I want to be able to show my girls to be proud of their bodies and to also celebrate getting through so many tough times to have my beautiful girls and be a mother."

Sheilah Kean

The phenomenal Sheilah Kean and her youngest Royce (3), Sheilah is also mom to Grace (17) and Cyrus (8). 

Sheilah and Grace's father had only been dating for a short time when she conceived Grace and she remained single until she was about 8 months pregnant when they decided to reconnect. Pregnancy and birth went very well for Sheilah and she ended up marrying her daughter's father but things were not healthy. The relationship became very abusive, to the point that she and Grace were held at gun point by him in a moving vehicle before she was able to escape. He was incarcerated and has remained out of their lives ever since. Sheilah's bond with her daughter is amazingly secure and as a single mom for her first 9 years her world revolved her daughter for so long. Grace just graduated high school and Sheilah says it's been a bit of an identity crisis for her. We talk often about the stages and transitions that come with motherhood in the early years but not much is said about this transition that comes as we prepare for our children to leave our homes. 

There came a point when Sheilah realized that if she wanted to have more children she needed to consider how and when that was going to happen and she opened herself up to dating again. She met her now husband and they were able to conceive Cyrus without any issues. Pregnancy went well for her but she was rear-ended in her third trimester and she then needed closer monitoring and bed rest. Cyrus was born with Respiratory Distress Syndrome in a Newborn and needed to be taken to NICU right away. He had a chest tube and support but he progressed very typically and as a nurse Sheilah felt capable of understanding his care and trajectory. He was able to come home after 9 days and has been wonderful ever since. Sheliah struggled with postpartum anxiety following her daughters birth and navigated true depressions following Cyrus' birth. 

Having a third child was always something that Sheilah and her husband wanted but it just wasn't happening for them and she decided to go ahead and get her tubes tied to prevent any unplanned pregnancies as she got older. Surprisingly, just as she was looking into scheduling the procedure she learned she was pregnant with Royce. Sheilah had hyperemesis gravidarum throughout her pregnancy and Royce too was born with Respiratory Distress Syndrome and unlike his brother had a very hard time of it. He needed a lot of support and there was a time they were not certain what his course would take. Thankfully things turned around and he was able to leave NICU after 19 days. The first year of Royce's life continued to be difficult as they struggled with breastfeeding, lip/tongue ties and his general health, as he had severe asthma. Thankfully things have improved and Sheilah is feeling like she has been able to process and heal from the trauma of it all. Breastfeeding has gone well after initially struggling and Sheilah was able to donate over 1,000 oz of breastmilk to other mothers and babies in need. 

Sheilah is a previous project participant, you can view her initial image here, but she felt it important to return and share more of her story now. Watching this community of women and support grow she has felt growth herself and knows that if she can help one woman through sharing some of her story, whether it is a domestic abuse survivor, single mom, NICU mom, or mother going through the transition of an older child leaving home, she knows it's worth. "We are so connected. We are never alone in our journey's. This is why sharing is so important".

Vanessa Lozada

The lovely Vanessa Lozada, Jordan Shae (14) and Amelia Quinn (2). 

Vanessa began her journey through motherhood as a teen mom, when she was just 18. Her pregnancy was uncomplicated and her delivery went smoothly. Jordan was born on September 10, 2001 and 18 hours later, the attacks on the World Trade Center happened. The hospital was  on lock down, the city she gave birth in was considered a target and Vanessa couldn't help but think, "What have I done? How could I raise a baby by myself in a world like this?". Before Vanessa conceived Jordan, she never wanted to be a mother, she thought she'd be the cool aunt and spoil her brothers kids. She says that her baby saved her, she changed her life and instantly turned her into an adult at the most terrifying time in her generation's history. 

Jordan's father hadn't wanted Vanessa to have her and while she wanted him to stay in her life through those early days, the scars he left through his patterns of abuse stay with them today. Jordan was an unhealthy baby with a lot of minor problems: umbilical hernia, surgery on her tear ducts, chronic ear infections, bilateral ear tubes, gastrointestinal disease, obstructive and central sleep apnea, severe asthma and night terrors. With no help from her father, it was a real struggle for Vanessa as a young mother to navigate the health system while managing an unmanageable home life.  

When Jordan was four, Vanessa took her and fled from domestic abuse. She filed a family violence protective order and spent time in a women's shelter/safe haven. They have attended family therapy for years, working through the trauma her father inflicted which escalated after they left. He collapsed Jordan's lung during their last physical fight and Vanessa says, that was the first and last time he physically abused her, but the mental trauma lingers today. Vanessa was awarded sole custody and she has not seen him since 2010. Jordan has been through a lot but Vanessa says she is "the strongest, most compassionate kid I know, and I believe it's going to turn her into a woman who will someday change the world for the better".

Vanessa thought that she'd navigate life on her own with her daughter but has found a safe and supportive partner she is very much in love with. Her pregnancy in 2013 came as a surprise (she was on birth control both times she conceived), but they were happy and have rolled with it all beautifully. She says that her pregnancy and birth couldn't have been more different with a loving partner by her side. She's also learned to accept help this time rather than be so adamant about doing everything herself. 

Vanessa was in a severe auto accident in 2008 that left her with a traumatic brain injury, vertigo, cognitive deficiencies, and chronic pain. Years of medical treatment, physical therapy, cognitive therapy, multiple specialists, and sky-high medical bills have made a hard life even harder and she now struggles to make new memories which is much of the reason she wanted to participate in this project. She takes hundreds of photographs of her children each week so she can cement their lives in her reality but doesn't often make it into the frames with them. 

She says, "I now realize we’re all fighting our own battle, and you never know what a person is going through behind the scenes. Life isn’t only what you see on Facebook or an Instagram feed. Most people don’t “Check In” at AA meetings, or tag themselves at neuropsych evaluations, because that doesn’t fit into society’s highlight reel. That’s what I love about this project. It shows the beauty in what many, including myself, see or once saw, as flaws or imperfections."

Vanessa asked that we use this poem from Rupi Kaur as a summary for what she hopes her daughters learn from her example,

"I want to apologize to all the women I have called beautiful before I’ve called them intelligent or brave.

I am sorry I made it sound as though something as simple as what you’re born with is all you have to be proud of when you have broken mountains with your wit.

From now on I will say things like you are resilient, or you are extraordinary not because I don’t think you’re beautiful, but because I need you to know you are more than that."

Jamie Morris

The wonderful Jamie Morris and Marshall (22 months). Jamie is also mother to Abigail Marye miscarried into her hands on 12/25/05.

Jamie grew up in a home, with parents who had both been considerably abused as children both physically and sexually. While they didn't continue the cycles there was a lot of emotional carry over and brokenness that surrounded her upbringing.

When Jamie was a young teen, close friends of hers were fostering a little girl who had been shaken and thrown against a wall by her birth mother. She was predicted to be vegetative due to her traumatic brain injuries but Jamie just fell in love with her. She and her brother introduced the idea of adopting this child to her parents and Jamie is now proud to call her, her sister. Jamie's sister has thrived in their care and though it has been a very intensive and difficult road she has exceeded every prediction set forth about the quality of her life. Jamie credits her sister for informing most of her life decisions including her decision to become a neuro occupational therapist and later adopt a child with special needs herself.

At 19, in her first year of college, Jamie found herself in an abusive relationship. She and her high school sweetheart had continued their relationship into college and at some point it had gone from being emotionally to psychologically abusive, to physically and sexually abusive as well. He was her first sexual partner and at the time she didn't realize that she had been being raped and that being forced to lay completely still during sex "like a doll" were not normal or safe for her. It was during one of these sexual attacks that she conceived her daughter.

Jamie went home for Christmas break and took a pregnancy test with a friend that was positive. After a doctor confirmed her pregnancy her mom took her in for an ultrasound. Jamie finally got to see her baby and suddenly everything felt real. The experience however, furthered her sexual trauma. Jamie had a male ultrasound tech who performed an internal ultrasound and berated her for bleeding. He demanded to know why she was even there, if she was already bleeding and her pregnancy wasn't viable but she hadn't been, everything had been fine before he inserted the wand and the blood started to flow. She learned that her baby had already passed at 12-13 weeks and didn't know what to do. She was sent home and told just to expect a heavy period. She had severe cramping, full blown labor pains and finally, on Christmas morning delivered her baby into her hand. Jamie was so stunned at the time she didn't know what it was and just flushed the toilet. She got in the shower and soon realized what had just happened, she didn't know what to do or what to ask for. It wasn't until she was much older that she learned she had the right to name her baby and was allowed to grieve her loss.

Christmas Day was always horrible for Jamie. When she was twelve a close friend from her small town was kidnapped, abused, murdered and found on Christmas Day in a drain pipe. Her dad was in the search party that found the girl which made it feel even closer to home. Christmas Day was also the day that she always had to push off a family member who was very abusive and would try to touch her and grab her sexually. And now she had given birth to her dead baby silently and alone on the same horrible day.

In the aftermath of this loss, Jamie attempted to set her life on a different path. She went back to school and unfortunately fell into another abusive relationship in which she was date raped severely multiple times, often waking up with him on her and in her. She says she didn't know she could speak up for herself. That she could say no. That it wasn't okay. Finally, Jamie she sought counseling,healing, and change and learned a lot about herself. She had a female psychology professor at school who mentored her and was a huge influence in her life. Her mentor was a feminist and helped her realize that she had worth, that she was equal. Her entire life changed.

Jamie worked in foster care between graduating college and getting her Master's in OT and realized that if she were ever to have more children she wanted to adopt. She knew she couldn't live through another miscarriage and due to her fibromyalgia and other chronic health conditions knew that another pregnancy would likely be high-risk and that she could potentially pass these conditions onto a biological child. She had a heart for children with special needs and there were already so many children out there who others were choosing to pass over that she felt compelled to choose adoption first.

Dating seriously became tricky as she realized that most men wanted to have at least one child of their own. Until, she met her husband who also had always wanted to adopt. After they were married, they had just started looking into adoption when Jamie was on Facebook one day and came across a posting from an adoption agency in Chicago with a little boy, "Baby K", who they couldn't place due his neurological conditions.

Baby K's birth parents were just teenagers, the first of their families to go to college. They chose to place their baby for adoption openly and were looking into families. His mother hadn't had any prenatal care prior to 32 weeks when she went into preterm labor. They were able to stop that labor and began to monitor her but at 34 weeks, she had a placental abruption and both she and her baby nearly lost their lives. Baby K was born dead and had to be resuscitated. It took them 10 minutes to revive him and he immediately started having seizures. They diagnosed him with hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy (HIE) immediately and he had a severe hemorrhagic stroke in his left occipital lobe causing much of the tissue to die. Because he had drown in amniotic fluid his ventricles were stretched and then receded quickly causing severe leukomalacia spots around his ventricles. He's also mostly blind due to cortical vision impairment and has a lesion near the sleep center of his brain which means that getting him to sleep has always been nearly impossible. The doctors put him on 72 hour cooling protocol which saved his brain and allowed him to live but all of the families who had been interested in adopting him, immediately backed out. They didn't want to parent a "broken" baby.

Baby K was left to live on the nursing floor of the adoption facility for the first 4 months of his life. The rotation nurses certainly gave him love but they did not know how to meet his neurological needs. He had never left that room and by the time Jamie met him he had a lot of the same issues that babies in orphanages do. He had very high tone in his back, was rigid and stiff, and because he could stand up as young infant they let him stand. He also had severe plagiocephaly and torticollis from laying flat for so long.

Baby K is now Marshall and Jamie and her husband are so grateful to be his parents but it hasn't been an easy road. After falling in love with Marshall they had to have home studies done for both Colorado and Chicago as they were adopting across state lines.  Though they had been approved with flying colors and Marshall's birth parents chose them, they ran into legal loopholes that left Jamie stuck with Marshall in Chicago for 6 weeks after they took placement before they able to bring him home. She had been staying with a friend of a friend as they navigated the final steps of their adoption and she was gracious enough to keep her doors open to them.

One woman from Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC) who needed to sign off on them leaving the state with Marshall had decided that Jamie was an unfit mother because she had fibromyalgia, anxiety and had previously sought counseling. Her job was to prevent human trafficking not make these decisions but she was trying to block the adoption and they now had to wait for state approval as well. Doctors had already signed off on everything, they had been cleared at the FBI office, but they now had to fight for their child.

Jamie had previously taken a course on postpartum depression with adoption and brushed it off as something that had would never happen to her. But after this struggle to bring Marshall home and after being left alone with a special needs infant experiencing the world for the first time with a mother he was just learning to know and trust - everything felt very intense. Her husband had to return to work and while the woman who they were staying with helped as much as she could Jamie was navigating uncharted territory and later realized that she absolutely had danced with PPD for awhile. It had stuck in her head that someone said she was unfit, she was up every hour with a child who could not be soothed, she was exhausted and uncertain.

At 5 months old, Jamie and her husband, were finally able to bring their son home. Motherhood has been more wonderful and more challenging than Jamie ever could have imagined. Marshall's care is very involved with lots of specialists and therapies but together they have learned so much. They are bonded, he is exceeding every expectation, he is happy. Skin to skin time, non-nutritive sucking, baby wearing and co-sleeping have allowed Jamie and Marshall to bond in a way that they struggled to forge for so long.

Their adoption is open and Jamie also feels incredibly bonded to Marshall's birth parents. She was in their shoes when she was pregnant with her daughter, afraid to go to the doctor and uncertain what her future would be. They have given her the greatest gift of being able to call herself mother to Marshall who forever changed not only her life but Christmas for her in the best of ways. Marshall was also born on Christmas and now, it's one of her happiest days.

Jamie wants other women to know that you can chose adoption first.

"Whatever you're going through, you're not alone - there is someone, somewhere walking your path."

Carla Pastorelli

The beautiful Carla Pastorelli, Gianna (15) and Olivia (12). Carla is also mother to Augustin (17).

All three of Carla's pregnancies were medically uncomplicated physically but made increasingly more challenging by the extremely emotionally abusive relationship she was in at the time. She believes strongly in the need to note that a mothers mental health is very important throughout her pregnancy and beyond and there can be repercussions within our children if we are not. With Carla's first birth, she learned her doctor had stripped several women's membranes so they would all deliver with his partner when he wasn't on call. She went from a walking epidural and pain meds with her first, to just pain meds with her second and no medication at all with her third. It was very important for her to be present and able to feel what was happening through her labor and birthing process. She feels lucky that her pregnancies and births were without complication and she has such beautiful kids.

Carla was asked by a friend why she wanted to do this and she says that it's not that she herself is very confident but she tries to see herself as others see her and wanted to share her story to show other women exactly the same thing. That if they can look at her and see beauty they can also see it in themselves. She is a single mother now after finding her way out of the unhealthy relationship she had with her children's father and has made it her mission to raise amazing children. She's started and established her own successful business to give her kids the best foundation possible and tried to find the time to take care of herself and grow as a person along the way. Carla believes strongly that you grow through living and making mistakes. The older you are and the more life experience you have, the wiser you are able to become, it is those things - the screw ups and mistakes. the learning and growth that make all of us beautiful and all of us unique.

The world isn't the same place it used to be she says, with everyone glued to their phones and social media the image of what a woman is "supposed to" look like versus what a woman does look like has become disconnected. Our bodies change so much thorughout our lives and our stories, they are still beautiful, they're just different. Being able to share that with her girls and with other women is so important because we all are beautiful.

Shaneen Belcher

The stunning and strong Shaneen Belcher with her sons Ashton (7), Greylin (6), Jevan (4) and Bryden (2). Shaneen's pregnancies and births have all been very different and she says that they have progressively become more of what she's wanted them to be. She had a partial placental abruption with her first which led to bedrest and induction. Her next two were also born in hospital but with progressively less hands on and interventions and her last baby was born at home. Shaneen has successfully breastfed all of her boys, her first two for 4 years each, Jevan for 2 (he weaned while she was pregnant with Bryden) and Bryden is still nursing today. There was a period of about 6 months when Shaneen was nursing all three of her older boys, a time she recalls as wonderful and well, busy.

Shaneen's story, however, spans more than her journey to motherhood. Soon after she met her husband and her sons father, they conceived Ashton. What had previously been yelling and name calling became physical abuse during this first pregnancy. The abuse continued and progressed over the years and when Shaneen's eldest two boys were very young she found the strength to leave for the first time. She soon discovered she was pregnant with her third and ultimately, after being told that her husband had been through anger management counseling and promised to change, she and the boys returned home. Things went very well for a few months and they even found happiness as a family for awhile. Inevitably, the abuse continued and with it more isolation socially and financially. She didn't have access to her ID, green card or money and she couldn't drive. Just as she began to build a network of friends and mothers with similarly aged children, he moved them all to a city where she was isolated ever further.

The abuse continued and Shaneen did the best she could to protect and provide for her boys while enduring the tough nights with her husband. While the bruises were often hidden, there became more frequent occasions when they were not. Shaneen was terrified of being a single mother to her four boys and with no identification or financial resources she didn't seem to have much choice. That all changed, however, when she walked in on her husband harming one of her sons. This occurred on a Friday and when he left on Monday morning, she left with her boys. It has only been one month since Shaneen and her children set out on their own. In that time she has found shelter, got her boys into counseling and worked with the authorities to protect her family and prosecute their abuser. Shaneen says that they still have a very long way to go but she is nothing short of a survivor.