Shira Sussi

Shira Sussi (32), Lior (10 months) and Abe (forever 23 weeks gestation)

Brooklyn, NY

Shira shares -

“Lior is my first healthy, living child and my third pregnancy. In January 2017, I had an abortion for medical reasons at 23 weeks. We named him Abe. His birth defects were so severe he wouldn’t have been able to breathe or swallow at birth, if he made it to that point. It was the hardest decision I have ever made, and the months following his loss were the darkest and loneliest of my adult life. It took us 7 months to find the courage to try to conceive again and I had a first trimester miscarriage. When I got pregnant with Lior I didn’t think I could emotionally make it through his pregnancy. It was an incredibly stressful nine months.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

The stress of my pregnancies and postpartum has taken more of a toll on my body than anything else. Grief brain is real, as is mom brain so I feel like mentally I’ve been in a fog for almost 3 years! I look at pre-loss pictures of myself and think, wow I look so beautiful and content. Naivety is bliss. I battle with this more than those 5 extra pounds of baby weight stuck to my thighs.

After losing Abe I really struggled with this idea that my body had betrayed me in creating a sick baby that I wasn’t able to save, but since giving birth to Lior I’ve come to see my body in a new light and appreciate what it's lived through. This is my mother body. It’s carried three babies for different lengths of time. It's beautiful and strong, albeit a bit more squishy.

What was your postpartum experience?

Early postpartum has been a lesson in new motherhood – throw your expectations out the door and ride out the beautiful, messy chaos. People say it gets better, but really it gets different. I try to remind myself every phase is temporary, so how can I appreciate what's happening now for what it is knowing it won't last forever. Do I miss waking up every two hours? No, but I do miss all 7 lbs of little Lior falling asleep on my chest at 3 AM after a feeding, breathing in his sweet smell.

Lior’s birth was incredibly traumatic. After a short labor I arrived to the hospital ten centimeters dilated and he was born via vacuum-assisted delivery within the hour. Three days later we were in the ER for elevated bilirubin levels. My husband had started a new job a month before Lior's birth so he was back at work after three days at home with us. There was a lot of tears and a lot of just me and L trying to figure things out the two of us. In the thick of early postpartum it was pure survival mode.

Breastfeeding did not come easy – my milk took almost two weeks to fully come in, and even after Lior’s tongue tie was corrected it took months to establish a good feeding relationship. I constantly battled with clogged ducts since he couldn’t efficiently empty my breasts and was married to the breast pump 8-12x/day. When I imagined what life would be like once Lior arrived earth side it never crossed my mind that I would have such trouble feeding him. Breastfeeding added a whole layer of stress those early weeks, and while I'm grateful I muddled my way through it I now better understand why people choose not to.

I've also struggled with a lot of guilt postpartum. Guilt that Lior is here and healthy; that he will never know his older brother; that I am feeling so much happiness in watching him grow and thrive. I'm still very much working through this.

What is your truth?

I can be grieving and still find joy. For the longest time I kept asking myself, when will the pain go away? The truth is the pain never goes away; it gets softer as time goes on, and it doesn't control my every waking thought like it once did. This took time and patience, trust and acceptance, countless hours of therapy and so much work on my relationship with myself and others. Pregnancy loss robs you of many things - your innocence, a year of "firsts", the ability to say your child's name in normal conversation. But there is so much to be grateful for. I choose to see all the light and beauty. There will always be a void, but my life is SO FULL.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

If my story about ending a wanted pregnancy for medical reasons reaches just one mother who is going through something similar, experiencing the isolation I did back in January 2017 and is the slightest bit comforted knowing she isn't alone then sharing today so publicly will have been worth it.

Laura Frese

The lovely Laura Frese, Paul (3.5), and Claire (6 months).

Laura has been borderline diabetic in her adult life so it wasn't much of a surprise when she developed gestational diabetes during her pregnancies. She needed to give herself 6 insulin injections per day and carefully monitor her blood sugars but had otherwise healthy pregnancies. Laura had planned cesarean births with both of her babies and says that while she is sometimes sad she didn't get to experience labor she is much more grateful she had the options she did. In both cases, she was offered the choice to try for a natural or induced labor and felt relieved about choosing a cesarean birth.

Both babies were born healthy with minimal complications other than high billirubin in both children which was an emotional roller coaster. Laura says that she is normally a rock but she broke down. Both children needed phototherapy, so despite being in a hospital that was very supportive of rooming in, she spent 3 days recovering alone while getting a 20-minute visit with her babies every 3 hours. Even more difficult was Claire's need to be in NICU on Christmas Eve into Christmas Day. Laura says that making the choice to leave her baby in the hospital alone overnight to spend Christmas with her son was one of the most difficult things she's had to do. 

Laura attempting breastfeeding with both of her children but the hospital set up was not conducive and they were bottle fed formula in hospital to help clear their billirubin. She feels grateful that Claire is nursing well today.  

Laura fell in love with roller derby and started skating between her pregnancies and felt stronger than she ever had before. She felt amazing but it wasn't safe to continue while pregnant and she couldn't manage any exercise more strenuous than walking. Laura hasn't been able to get back to it just yet but is hopeful for the day she does. 

Laura chose to participate in part to share her story of pregnancy with gestational diabetes and cesarean by choice. She also wants to remind people that postpartum body issues extend to more than just weight. For her, she hopes to focus on rebuilding muscle and feeling strong again. 

Laura Davis

The lovely Laura Davis and Harrison (3 months)

Laura and her husband both have family histories of long standing infertility, it took seven years for each of their parents to conceive so they anticipated trouble themselves. Laura spoke with her OB prior to her wedding to see if there were any obvious issues and she was given the green light to start trying three months before their big day. In just 6 weeks, Laura learned she was pregnant but things were difficult from the start. 

Laura bled a lot in early pregnancy and worried for weeks that she was miscarrying. Her HCG levels were increasing slowly but the bleeding kept on. Via ultrasound they were able to see that everything with her baby looked okay and she was able to relax a bit before she became incredibly ill and was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum. Laura was seen in the ER and when she followed up with her OB just before her wedding day they dismissed her concerns and sickness because she'd been able to keep water down, though eventually agreed to clear her for her wedding. 

Between 18 and 30 weeks, Laura says that things were pretty wonderful and all went well. She's a former micropreemie herself (born at 23 weeks weighing only 1 lb) so getting through that late second trimester without having her baby was a pleasant surprise. Just before her baby shower, she began to receive comments on how big she was, her mom was worried something was wrong and encouraged her to go in to her doctor. It was then, just passed 30 weeks that Laura was diagnosed with polyhydramnios (excess amniotic fluid) and was measuring several weeks ahead.  At 32 weeks her blood pressure skyrocketed and she had to go to the hospital for monitoring. She was ultimately able to go home but continued to go in for daily monitoring of her blood pressure, non-stress tests and protein checks. Her doctor had been saying she would likely need to deliver via cesarean so Laura pushed for a scheduled date. 

Her cesarean was scheduled for 34 weeks and she went in feeling happy and prepared. She had been worried about getting her epidural but knew that with her mom and husband holding her hands it would be okay. When they came in to place it however, they made every once else leave and she lost it. From there Laura says that things went okay. They had estimated Harrison to be over 7lbs but he was born weighing 5lbs even and she had more than 8lbs of amniotic fluid. Harrison was born purple and didn't cry right away but Laura didn't learn this until later. He was stimulated and perked up without further complication.

As Laura was being stitched up her anesthesiologist commented, "Your stitches look great, but your body is going to look like crap for the next six months". She couldn't believe that in that moment, someone mentioned such a thing. The next few days bonding with Harrison and having visitors were lovely but on day three a NICU nurse came up and said she needed to take him due to jaundice. Laura expected them to be able to take him down the next morning but the nurse immediately took him from her arms and led him away without telling her anything about whether she was allowed to come or visit. Laura was discharged the following day without her baby which was incredibly difficult. 

She ran home and ate and then came right back to be him and was able to bring him home shortly thereafter. Harrison has a few health issues, torticollis, duarte variant galactosemia, and an issue with his voice box but all of these things are treatable or will go away in time. She is thrilled to have him here, healthy and says that this, creating him, is by far the best thing she's ever done with her life. 

Laura has always been very body positive but found herself struggling with not being the "perfect bride" when it was her time. Yet this side of things, she loves her body. We hear so often that we need to get our bodies back but she doesn't want her old body back. She wants to love and embrace this body. "This body with stretch marks and soft stomach were his gift to me and deserve to be celebrated."