Rebecca Shoaf Kozak

Rebecca Shoaf Kozak (34), Luca (5), Joaquin, (3), and Matías (10 months)

Boston. Photographed in West Springfield, Mass. 

“I love my body now as the varicose veins and enlarged belly button remind me of what my body has done to create and sustain three beautiful children. I feel strong and happy. When I look at my body naked, I am proud of what it has accomplished.

”

Rebecca shares -

"I had a miscarriage before I had Luca in 2011. My husband and I went for the first ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. We were devastated.

****

In June of 2012, after almost 40 hours of labor, my daughter Luca was born, but no cry was heard. The nurses told me that she would be "fine", and that she just needed to get some "air", but her loud cry never came. The nurses and doctor whisked her away to the NICU to find that she had neonatal pneumonia. Although I am told this is a common occurrence for babies, and the cause is unknown, I felt exhausted and worried. Luca went straight to Children's Hospital of Boston and spent ten days there: five in the NICU receiving treatment and then five on the floor. I was able to spend time with her and stay the night, but she went through lots of pricking and prodding in those ten days. I was so grateful for a supportive community of friends, a wonderful partner and a great family, all who came to visit to shower love onto Luca and I while in the hospital.

On July 10th, 2012, ten days after Luca was born, we went home. The experience taught me that, as much as we like to try and plan our birth, transition home and all the details in between in regards to parenthood, we don't have control over so much of what happens. After a miscarriage and then a rocky start for my first newborn baby, I relied on my faith and my practitioners to help me through whatever experience I had. Was I nervous? Of course! Was I excited? Hell yes! I just had to hold all of my experiences at the same time. This mentality helped me relax during my subsequent pregnancies and deliveries. I trusted the midwives and nurses who surrounded me, as well as my body, to deliver. While I knew anything was possible between creating a baby, growing a baby and then laboring and delivering a baby, I maintained the mantra, "this is out of my control; I can only do what I can do".

When parents, specifically mothers, ask me about pregnancy, delivery and parenthood, I try and be honest. My truth is that delivering a baby, nursing a baby, being a mother and a partner and every other role expected of us is hard and beautiful; amazing and wild; extremely exhausting and energy-giving!

My aunts says that "motherhood is the hardest job you'll ever love". I couldn't agree more! I remind myself, and other mothers in my circle, that we are doing a great job. That parenting is hard and no one has all the answers. Lastly, I encourage others not to be too hard on themselves. We need each other to do this job that is parenting.

Our world is one of misogyny and patriarchy. We women are taught to be feminine but not too feminine, thin and muscular, to wear makeup and to shave and to be strong but not too strong, have a voice but one that doesn't speak too loudly. There are so many messages which hurt our gender and this is a movement which invites women to come together and embrace who we are, as mothers, sisters, wives, partners and professionals. This movement is a beautiful thing."

Ashley Symons

Ashley Symons (35) and Hendrix (almost 3)

New Jersey. Photographed in West Springfield, Mass.

“The current softness of my body mimics the softness of my soul - a gift which motherhood has provided me. ”

Ashley shares  - 

"Some days I view my body as incredibly strong, powerful and beautiful. It has created life and birthed a child. It has and continues to nourish a toddler and provide lots of snuggles and wrestling take-downs. Some days I look at the imperfections that pregnancy and childbirth have left on my body with a sense of pride. The current softness of my body mimics the softness of my soul - a gift which motherhood has provided me.

Other days I look at my body with frustration. I miss my pre-motherhood body. My muscles have been hidden and my abs haven't been felt in over 3 years. Its those days that I feel disgusted with myself. I get annoyed that I don't have time time to go to the gym because I would prefer to hang at home playing superhero and monster games. I am frustrated that I want to share hot chocolate with my son instead of a protein shake. I wish I had time to cook completely healthy dinners but sometimes (okay all of the time) mac n cheese and pasta are really the only things my son eats right now. So my body looks the way it does because of me -and that's what really annoys me the most. I am the one to blame, no one else.

I am choosing to put my fitness journey on the back burner because I know these years are fleeting. I want my son to remember all of the fun adventures we have had and creating that perfect gym body just doesn't fit into my life right now. I know that one day, I will have the opportunity to focus on my body. Any maybe when that opportunity does finally arrive, I won't find the need to make any changes to my mom-bod.

{My postpartum journey} wasn't that difficult. I slept when my son slept, I nursed him when he cried, and held him on my chest 24 hours a day. But soon, that constant "touching" became increasingly frustrating. He nursed 24 hours a day and no one could hold him by me. I read every blog post, parenting book, and internet article I could find. I tried sleep training to no avail. How are all these babies peacefully sleeping in their cribs for 12 hours a night? My son would wake the second I even had the thought of putting him down. Then my cousin, Meredith, gave me some amazing advice. "Just go with the flow" She promising me the following....."One day my baby would sleep, one day my baby wouldn't need to be held 24/7, and one day I would miss it." Once I embraced her advice, which I didn't completely believe or always follow, life got so much easier! But one thing I am still completely shocked by is how all-encompassing motherhood is. People said it was hard - I just never believed them.

My one piece of advice is inspired by the "Just go with the flow" advice I received. My advice would be to throw away the parenthood rule book and follow your heart". Once you start following your heart, parenting comes naturally. I will make many mistakes as a parent, but responding to my sons needs will not be one of them. Bed sharing, nursing into toddlerhood, responding his cries, and validating his emotions seems so natural. I mother him from my heart.... and my heart never has any doubt as to whether or not I'm making a mistake.

My truth: The thing I hate most about being a mother is how much love I feel for another person. That love is an intense and unconditional feeling that drives me crazy. I worry about things I never used to worry about. I have fears that my pre-mom self would have thought irrational and silly. Motherhood has made me care so much that it sometimes hurts. I wasn't prepared for how much my heart would grow.

My younger sister really wanted to participate in this project. We were never really close until we had our sons who were born 4 months apart. Now we are so close that our sons consider themselves brothers. I couldn't just leave her to do this project solo! So I took this as an opportunity to confront my inner negative voice and hopefully silence it. My sister was always the one with the better body so doing this project is incredibly challenging for me. Her pre-pregnancy body, pregnancy body, and postpartum body is nothing like mine. By participating, at the very least, I am hoping to accept my body for what it is (imperfections and all). But if I'm truly being honest, I am hoping that by participating, I will begin my journey of learning how to embrace and love my new body."

Malinda Costa

Malinda Costa, Victoria Patrice (3), and Vivianne Cesaria (10 months)

Wilmington, MA. Photographed in West Springfield, Mass. 

Malinda shares -

"I am amazed at what my body did. From conception to delivering the placenta every moment of each time was jaw dropping. My body did something truly amazing TWICE and I love it for that. Sure I have my moments that I catch myself thinking about how I used to look but it doesn't last long as I am blessed to have had such fantastic experiences.

With my oldest daughter postpartum was much harder than I expected. I read all the books, hired a doula, packed the perfect bag and made all the arrangements. The birth center was fantastic. My labor and delivery were a little out of the norm but not bad. Victoria latched on immediately and nursed for at least an hour. But when we got home and my milk came in so did the blocked ducts and mastitis. From there, it was a four week struggle to get my baby girl to latch. Finally, a home visit from a lactation consultant saved us. It wasn't anything she thought me but something she said while she was liking out the door -  "Relax mom, either way your baby is doing great."

About 45 minutes later I picked up my crying newborn unhooked my nursing tank relaxed my shoulders sat up straight and brought her nose to my engorged nipple and then it happened. She latched on and it brought tears to my eyes.

Postpartum depression and anxiety don't just happen to moms who harm their babies or ultimately end their own lives. There are degrees of severity. My postpartum anxiety made itself know in the form of horrific daydreams. Whether I was driving on the highway or walking down a flight of stairs, my mind would take me to a scary place while making up terrible things that could happen to us. I had no idea this was a form of postpartum anxiety and depression. It lead me to keep the thoughts to myself because I didn't want to scare anyone. I was happy, I loved my babies, I wasn't "depressed" but my hormones said otherwise. On the outside I was your typically glowing but tired mom but on the inside I was scared of what my thoughts meant. I would tell myself and other parents to be honest with yourself, partner and doctors about how you're feeling. Everyone's journey is different but you aren't alone.

I have no momento's of my childhood to share with my girls someday. I never want them to have to go through that. If I'm ever no longer with them someday I want them to have these photos and my storytelling look back on and know how proud I am that these two beautiful girls are what made me a new woman, a mother. "

Diana Bonacci

Diana Bonacci (33) and Francesca (15 months)

Connecticut. Photographed in West Springfield, Mass.

"I have lost the ability to carry more children due to an emergency partial hysterectomy following the birth of my daughter. Although not the traditional type of loss people share, secondary infertility is something many struggle with and it's not always talked about."

"For as long as I can remember, above anything else, I have always wanted to be a mom. When I found out we were expecting, I was over the moon. I had a relatively stress free pregnancy and enjoyed most of it. At 40 weeks, 4 days, however, we discovered my daughter had flipped and I would need to deliver via cesarean - a stark contrast from the unmediated birth I had wanted. I went in the next day, excited to meet the person I was sure would be my soul mate.

Unfortunately, I don't remember much from the days leading up to and the days following her birth. In the OR, after my daughter was delivered, I complained of difficulty breathing and went into cardiac arrest. My husband and daughter were whisked into a private room and I had CPR performed and was intubated. I went into DIC (Disseminated intravascular coagulation) and had over 37 units of blood and blood products to save my life.

Still, my wonderful team of doctors were unable to stop the bleeding from my uterus and at 31 years old, I had to have a partial hysterectomy. I was cut open the length of my abdomen and left open with a vacuum to pump out all the blood I was losing. I had a stroke and my kidneys started to have issues. I was told I had an amniotic fluid embolism (affects 1 in 40,000 pregnancies ) and the fact that I didn't die and didn't have any serious neurological or organ damage was a miracle.

When I was finally stable, I got to hold my daughter for the first time while in the ICU and I don't remember this at all, which is really hard. For a week and a half I recovered in the hospital. I was excited to get discharged so I could go home and feel "normal", however it was a short lived trip as I was readmitted within hours' via ambulance' for internal bleeding. I have never been more terrified of dying as I was on the drive back to the hospital. It took months to heal physically from my ordeal. It has taken much longer to heal mentally.

Between my birthing complications and my inability to breastfeed exclusively, I felt like my body failed me. My husband or family had to be the primary caregiver for my daughter and that was really hard. When I finally made it home, I was inundated with follow-up doctor's appointments, and it's not that I missed out on time with her, but I was preoccupied with my own recovery the first few months.

I was diagnosed with PTSD and postpartum depression because of everything I went through and that has made being a first time mom challenging. I tried opening up to some people but felt like they didn't understand or were not supportive of what I was going through so I closed myself off. I've also felt a lot of people were insensitive to my situation, and have found myself sitting and listening to insensitive comments and feeling the familiar ping of pain inside, wanting to say something but also not wanting to seem overly sensitive. I have found a few people I am comfortable talking with and am grateful to have them. In addition, I have always struggled with anxiety so I've spent most of the last 15 months worrying about something bad happening to my daughter or to me. I absolutely love being a mom but worry I'm not doing good enough job raising her.

Since I cannot carry anymore children, we have explored adoption and surrogacy to expand our family. We have had a failed egg retrieval, which felt like my body failing all over again. I would love it if we were able to have more children, but feel anxiety most of the time that our options won't work out.

I knew my body was going to change when I became pregnant, however, I could never anticipate the upside down "T" scar I would have forever down my abdomen as a result of 5 surgeries within a two day period in early 2016. I also developed an umbilical hernia and had a 6th surgery recently to repair it. The hernia left me with a large pouch where a baby bump should be, a constant reminder of what I can never have again. Since having it repaired, I feel a little better about my midsection, however, still have a ways to go before I feel 100% about my body.

I want new parents or those hoping to become parents to know you aren't alone. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Participate in support groups. Take time for yourself. And know you are good enough."