Michelle Haggerty (35 - she/her). Mother to Olive (miscarriage at 10 weeks), Atlas (2 - pictured), Hazel (miscarriage at 9 weeks), currently 37 weeks pregnant.
Minneapolis, MN
“My husband and I have experienced 2 miscarriages. The first was a partial molar pregnancy caused by two sperm fertilizing one egg. After finding out that we were having a miscarriage (by doing an ultrasound on myself), I felt like there was something toxic inside of me and needed to get it out as soon as possible. We chose to have a D&C and I am so glad we did because we would not have otherwise known that it was a partial molar pregnancy. After the procedure, I had to have my blood drawn weekly to monitor my hormone levels to make sure that it didn’t develop into cancer. It was devastating for my husband and me, but we really came together and connected over the loss. We talked about our sweet Olive regularly and she became a part of our lives. I really believe that she was the one who made me a mom.
Our second loss happened a few years after our son was born. This time, the pregnancy happened very quickly and I had a hard time believing it was real. My husband had an even harder time and didn’t really connect at all. When we found out we were having another miscarriage at 9 weeks again by ultrasound it was a very different feeling of loss than the first. It felt more lonely to me and almost like I deserved it because I hadn’t been able to connect with Hazel like I did with my other two pregnancies. We chose to have another D&C because of the timing (we were both going to be standing up in our close friends’ wedding in a rural area and felt like we couldn’t risk actively miscarrying in the midst of the wedding) and also my history (needing to get pathology again in case it was another molar pregnancy). This procedure didn’t go as smoothly as the first (I was given way too much pain medication which caused me to be too drowsy and I couldn’t keep my oxygen saturations up, so I almost needed to stay overnight in the hospital) and really added to the traumatic aspect of managing our feelings around it. My husband and I didn’t connect as a couple as much as we did with the first miscarriage and it feels a little unsettled still.
I have mixed feelings about the miscarriages and the impact they have had on my life. For both, the initial loss is so devastating. Then I went through a period of grief of losing the relationship I thought I was going to have with this little soul, one of a physical presence earthside. But then, it transitions to this other relationship that is much more spiritual and transcends the physical. I have a beautiful relationship with my two angel babies who I feel have given me guidance when I have felt lost and given me strength when I needed the support. I think they both illuminated the path for my two other pregnancies, the first with my son and the second with my current pregnancy. At the same time, I have had a lot of resentment. I have not been able to enjoy the first two trimesters with any subsequent pregnancy, have at times lost trust in my body and intuition, and struggle with anxiety and panic worrying that I will have another loss.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
My body image has changed quite dramatically over the past 5 years. I have in many ways felt that my body is no longer my own. I have felt beautiful, sexy, betrayed, separated from, strong, resentful, appreciative, and in awe of my body at any given time. I have let my grey hair grow out and stopped wearing makeup, feeling powerful in my beautiful natural being. I have grown babies in my body and lost babies from this same body. I was able to breastfeed my son for two years. I gave birth to him without any medications and am able to still say it was pain free. I feel so grateful to and am in awe of this “meat suit” (as my favorite yoga teacher, Kathryn Budig calls it). However, I also don’t feel as sexy as I did prior to growing our family and have a hard time being openly affectionate with my partner as I feel like I am being touched all day long with my toddler and now with a growing baby inside of me. With the miscarriages, I have felt like my body betrayed me and struggled to regain the trust of my intuition.
What was your postpartum experience?
My fourth trimester with my son was the most incredible time of my life. Of course it was challenging, as any new parent would say, however my husband made the transition as smooth as I could have ever hoped for. People talk about "postpartum goals" where a new mom is brought meals and supported during the postpartum period, however this man took it to a whole other level.
He started by creating a postpartum sanctuary for me prior to our son being born. He decorated our guest bedroom with everything that would create a healing and soothing environment for me. He wanted me to be near the kitchen and bathroom on the main floor so I wouldn’t need to take the stairs or move more than a few steps. He put up peaceful paintings on the walls, salt lamp next to the bed, Buddha statues, blackout curtains, comfy recliner/rocking chair, a bed and our baby’s bassinet. The day our son was born, we were released from the birth center 6 hours after the birth and so my husband became my home nurse, making sure I had my pain medications, assessing my healing parts, and monitoring my health (including taking mine and Atlas’s vitals every 4 hours, keeping track of the ins/outs and sleep for the first 24 hours).
I followed the First Forty Days model (10 days in bed, 10 days around the bed, 10 days around the house, 10 days around the neighborhood). He prepared every single meal for me for the first two months with nearly every meal for the first month served in bed. He made breakfast congees, warm mothers rice bowls, salmon, smoothies, teas, homemade nut milks, infused water, etc... He prepared herbal baths for me daily and sometimes twice a day. He prepared all of my supplements and vitamins and made sure I took them. He cleaned up after my (aahhhmm…) accidents when I wasn’t able to make it to the bathroom in time, while making sure that I wasn’t embarrassed and making light hearted jokes to ensure I didn’t feel bad. He regulated our visitors, making sure that we didn't get overwhelmed in the early weeks and that everyone's hands were washed before touching our son.
He had 10 weeks off for paternity leave and he spent that time making sure that he was supporting me in every way possible to heal, knowing what I needed before I did at times, allowing me to spend my energy on our son. This is just scratching the surface of all that he did for me in addition to being endlessly emotionally and spiritually supportive, encouraging me as a new mother. He rose to his new role as a father, bonding with our son, changing 90% of the diapers and was up every time Atlas woke at night.
I truly believe that a large part of why I didn’t develop postpartum depression and why Atlas was such a calm baby is because we were both so well cared for and supported. There was not a need that was not met for the first couple of months. I joke that the first couple of weeks Atlas and I were diaper buddies because all we did was lay in bed naked except for our diapers snuggling, sleeping and feeding. I knew I married a good man, but those 3 months made me truly appreciate his greatness. I am not sure he will ever understand how much that fourth trimester meant to me. He gave me the best gift I could have ever asked for, a worry free mind and nourished body that was able to focus entirely on bonding and caring for our son.
I am greatly aware of the privilege I had to be able to take off 12 weeks of work myself (though I believe that families deserve to have much more time than that) and that I have a husband who could also take an extended leave in order for this to happen in the first place. However, I also feel that when possible and when resources are in place, women should be cared for in the same way that I was. We have a wound the size of a placenta on the inside of our bodies and are leaking and bleeding and hormonal while at the same time caring for a newborn child. We should not be expected to bounce back to our previous lives or bodies doing chores around the house, being solely responsible for childcare of the other children in the household, running errands or returning to work. Our focus should be on healing and caring for the new life brought into this world. I hope our society starts to recognize and find ways to support this as other cultures have historically around the world.
What is your truth?
I try to stay in the moment. With the subsequent pregnancies after our first miscarriage, I was so anxious that I was going to have another loss. What got me through was reminding myself every morning that "I am currently pregnant and there is no reason to believe otherwise, until you are given evidence and told that you are not." It helped me and gave me permission to connect with the growing baby inside me every day. It allowed me to feel. I have used the same mindfulness and living in the moment while being a parent. It has allowed me to enjoy the small things along with getting through the challenging moments as these too will pass. It removes the anxiety of what could be and allows for forgiveness of what was.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I have found it so important to be open with my truth. I have been open with sharing our miscarriages with friends/family as well as on social media. It’s amazing to me how many families have kept their losses a secret, as if it was something to be ashamed of. Our society is horrible at supporting women who have experienced a loss. People don’t know what to say and come up with some of the worst things to say that inevitably make women feel worse about themselves and their bodies. It also became apparent to me through our losses how women tend to bare the burden of the loss. It was somehow their body that failed or maybe they did something that caused it or that they are the only ones that need to be consoled. The term itself “miscarriage” (mis – “wrongly”, Caryen – “to carry”, age – “belonging to, related to”) actually seems to put the blame directly on the woman. Where is the partner in all of this? So many women say that “I had a miscarriage” not “we”. Even the statistics are around the number of women who have experienced a miscarriage or the likelihood that a woman will have a repeat miscarriage, not the number of men who will experience a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. Society and even the medical field at times doesn’t seem to recognize the part that the sperm plays in the success of a pregnancy. This really hit home to me with the partial molar pregnancy as it was his two sperm fertilizing my one egg (we joke now that his sperm weren’t being patient) that caused our first miscarriage, not anything that I did or even anything wrong with my egg. In discussions with other women as well as medical providers the miscarriage kept being put on me and my body vs. something both my husband and I were going through. We have a long way to go in our society of not only recognizing and discussing how common pregnancy loss is but also moving beyond only focusing on women.
