Magali Lee (29 - she/her), Jonathan, and Tristan (14 months)
Buffalo, NY
“I have had one abortion. It was the beginning of my second year of pharmacy school and I had relations with a now ex one time. I took a morning after pill and it turns out it didn’t work. I was completely freaking out when I found out, and honestly didn’t think twice about it - I had to have an abortion. I of course didn’t have the money so I asked him to help me and he agreed to and came back to town to be there with me. I opted to do a medicinal abortion which unfortunately resulted in extreme bleeding for over a month. It was a very dark time in my life and despite knowing that I made the right decision I often wondered what if. But it turns out that man was not the right man for me, he was a cheater, a liar, and a manipulator and thankfully he is no longer in my life. Despite the huge taboo topic of abortions, I still to this day feel this was the best decision at the time for myself.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I’ve never had good body image, its something that has followed me my entire childhood and into adulthood. My mother (who will probably either deny or kill me for this) would constantly critique my body as a child. I have memories of being told to try on a too small swimsuit just to have her and her friends laugh at me. Memories of being told I eat too much or I need to exercise more etc. So I’ve always tried to diet and exercise, in high school I lost a ton of weight and was tiny, yet still felt fat because I could hear that voice telling me i was too big or pudgy or my jeans were too big.
My weight has since fluctuated from way too skinny to now at my heaviest weight. When I found out I was pregnant the first thing i thought was “damn I wanted to lose weight before getting pregnant!” And instantly felt shameful. Ashamed that I would critique my own body who was now growing a life. I watched what I ate while pregnant and only gained about 21lbs, which still put me at the 250 mark.
Fast-forward to 14 months later and I’m still at 246lbs, and I feel every bit of it. I am still so critical of my body and now that I have stretch marks all over I am even more critical. I understand that my body grew a life and birthed my amazing baby but that idea that I am too fat or too ugly is still there. I still feel like I should have lost the baby weight, breastfeeding should have helped me lose weight, Its been 14 months - I should be further in my weight loss journey! This is something I want to work on because I want to foster positive body image for my son and future children.
What was your postpartum experience?
My postpartum journey was so crazy, I don’t even know how I made it without having a full blown breakdown. We were in the middle of packing up our apartment to move from Dallas to Buffalo, my husband was leaving me in a week and a half to drive up to Buffalo, I was going to be in Dallas alone with friends for 4 days before driving with a 2 week old for 2 days!
Everything seemed to be ok at the hospital, the lactation consultant came in on my last day and watched him nurse and said everything was fine. Then, my son lost over 10% of his weight within the first few days so of course the pediatrician recommended I supplement with formula. I wanted my son to be exclusively breastfed so I asked what could be done instead. I was told I had to feed him every 2 hours around the clock and in between feedings I was to pump and supplement the next feeding with what I pumped via SNS. Not only was I exhausted but I was also pumping close to nothing - like an extra ounce each time. It would take 45 minutes for him to nurse then another 30 to pump so I would have just 45 minutes to nap or eat or shower.
By our last full day in Dallas the pediatrician confirmed that Tristan had gained enough weight and was healthy enough to travel. The drive was even harder, stopping every 2 hours to nurse either in the car or in some strange store. By the time we made it to Buffalo I was exhausted and Tristan was tired of being in the car. Eventually we adjusted to living in my in-laws house and have now been there for a year. I felt very isolated, we were still new to breastfeeding and I always worried about my supply so I kept up the 2 hour increments for feedings, which meant we weren’t really going out and about very often. He was so small it felt like no one really wanted to take him from me so he was always with me. For hair appointments, nail appointments, doctors appointments. I love spending time with him but I also in the meantime started to neglect myself and my needs.
I felt like I struggled with supply, I felt alone because no one around me had a new baby, I was sleep deprived because Tristan would still wake during the night to nurse, I was becoming depressed. I pushed it aside thinking it’s just the stress of not living in my own home and having a new baby. Working became harder for me (i went back at 4 months postpartum) and so I decided it was time to get help. My gynecologists office instructed me to go to the ER when I did call them for help - something I knew as a healthcare provider would not work out in my favor.
Instead I reached out to a local lactation consultant who put me in touch with a support group which helped SO MUCH. It was crazy to hear how many other moms were struggling with similar things in their lives. I felt awkward asking people for their help so often I would do things on my own and soon started to resent many people around me. I can honestly say that my expectation differed GREATLY from reality. I thought there would be more help offered, I thought breastfeeding would be easier, I thought Tristan would learn to like sleeping in the crib vs cosleeping, I thought more people would understand what I was feeling, I thought it would be easy to make mom friends.
So far this has been such a difficult journey but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. In the process of all of this I have had the luxury of spending 4 months with my son before returning to work, I have formed an amazing bond with him and have managed to breastfeed for 14.5months - he is now self-weaning, and I have learned that I am so much stronger than I could have ever imagined!
What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
I would tell my former self to get comfortable with asking for help - because you’re gonna need it! I would tell a new parent that it is okay to feel your feelings. There is nothing wrong with being sad, happy, upset, disappointed, overwhelmed, or whatever you may feel.
Moms, it is okay to choose to formula feed vs breastfeed, it’s difficult to not feel as if you are being judged in some way for doing either or. It is okay to take time for yourself! Don’t do like me and wait 14 months before deciding its high time you reclaim your body and yourself. Don’t lose yourself in your baby and new life, at the end of the day you were someone before baby, don’t lose that someone. I am on the journey back to finding that someone and finding some balance in my life.
Dads, don’t ASK your partner if they need help, JUST HELP THEM. The pressure to be the perfect mom is so real and sometimes we just need you to take that pressure off of our backs.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I chose to participate in this movement and share my story because I am a strong believer in telling people the truth. I chose to participate because its astonishing to me how little care there is for mothers postpartum once we’ve had our 6 week check up. I chose to participate because I need to have a better opinion of myself and my body post baby. I want to learn to love my body, love every one of these stretch marks that show where my precious baby grew over the course of 9 months. I hope that sharing my story will help encourage another new mom who may share in the same or similar struggles as mine.