Larissa Olivieri (36 - she/her) and Lars (6)
Brazil | Atlanta, GA
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I am still in awe that I was able to grow a little human. I enjoyed every week and every change that happened during my gestation. I was never what society calls "a small girl", and that only bothered me once in all my life, due to a bad relationship and that messed my confidence so much. I put on a lot of extra weight on the past few years, and it took me a while, but I learned to love my body again specially after the birth of my son. And no matter what shape I am in I try to be healthy and active as much as I can so I can have the strength to take care of my son and physically help him as long as I can.
What was your postpartum experience?
My postpartum journey consists of a lot of PTSD, and High Function Depression. I was not planning on having kids at all, and even though my pregnancy was not planned I was extremely happy when I learned about it, and decided to keep it and take care of the baby all by myself.
At 27 weeks I had an emergency C-section due to a Brain Hemorrhage that my baby had while in utero. You expect that full gestation and make plans of what your future and the future of your child would be like. And then you get rushed to the ER and hear that your baby is very sick and is not going to survive the night, I was in shock, this is not the nature of things, this is not how is suppose to happen.
We spent 114 days at the NICU, but who's counting right? I gave up on everything but my son and dedicated every second of my days to spend with him. I lost my job, I lost my friends, I lost my mind.
I was so numb that I didn't feel any kind of pain during the recovery period for my cesarean. The next day I was walking up and down that hospital just to get to my kid every single day. It took me 3 weeks to be able to hold that little 1lb baby, and in that moment, everything made sense, we needed each other. Lars had to go through a dozen of surgeries to help save his life. I am glad I fought with every single Doctor that suggest that I should shut down the machines and let him go.
But the period of grief never ends. Every time he has a seizure, or a shunt malfunction or a simple cold, I start to think if I my decision was selfish, if I was thinking about me and not about him or his future. And I am pretty sure that I will be asking that to myself forever. I wasn't able to breastfeed him, my nipples are very very tiny for latching, but I was able to produce milk for a while, and when I couldn't anymore I chose to give him donor's milk before switching to formula.
My Depression is High Function, my loneliness is real, and my PTSD is probably eternal, but my son is my strength. I am his advocate, his voice, his parent, and he is my life.
What is your truth?
Being a single mom by choice, and coming from a long line of very Strong "Single Mothers" Women, I would say my truth is that I CAN. I can be strong, I can be happy, I can make it work. I know that is very cliche, but you don't know how Strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I learned about this project through it first tour stop in Atlanta a few years ago, Lars was in the NICU at the time, and Ash and Nova story had a some similarity with mine. So I started to follow it. And the same way these participants gave me hope and strength, I hope that my story can give other people the same.