Rachael Croston (42 - she/her), Lilah (10), Dru (4), and Celia (21 months)
You can view Rachael’s previous photo and story from 2018 here.
South Carolina | Atlanta, GA
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I absolutely am amazed by the process of growing humans and giving birth to them. I had three unmedicated water births, and I feel like I won the lottery as far as that experience goes. Especially since baby three was conceived a couple of months after my 40th birthday. Nursing was so easy with my first compared to babies 2 and 3, who both had tongue and lip ties that impeded nursing. With my second child, his lip and tongue ties were so severe that he struggled to gain weight, and I was exhausted from his nursing day and night to keep from starving. I felt - and still feel - like I failed him. I was so exhausted after his birth from trying to keep up with his inability to eat efficiently, plus battling a now obvious bladder prolapse, that I never really got back any semblance of my “first baby bounceback.” After baby three, 21 months later I still don’t recognize myself and although I am proud of what I’ve done, i wish I didn’t hate the way I look now. Parenthood is forcing me to adjust my expectations for my physical appearance, and I think I just wish I felt healthy, but with anxiety every other small health issue turns into a big thing in my mind.
What was your postpartum experience?
I adjusted very poorly the first six months after all three births just due to the lack of sleep I received and how extremely irritable it makes me to be tired. I thought I understood that I would be tired and as a night owl, figured I could handle it, but I was wrong. I loved my babies so much I would just stare and marvel at them during the day, but then after being awakened what feels like 90 times a night I would be irritable and grouchy and short tempered with everyone within earshot.
My most tuned weapon is unkind words, and I am sorry by how deftly I handed them out. Let’s just say I’ve spent a lot of time asking for forgiveness once sleep was had and a cooler head prevailed. I feel very fortunate to have a husband who truly acts as a partner and takes everything he can off my plate when it gets too full. I have a six year gap between children 1 and 2, and I feel that gap plus his nursing problems made that experience especially difficult for me, because I simply had forgotten how awful those long nights can be. It was slightly better when number 3 came along almost three years after 2, because I had not forgotten and was a little more mentally fortified. I still lost my mind, but we knew how to deal with it.
What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
There is no perfect way to parent. All the books, videos, seminars, and classes in the world can only give you some tools that worked for some kids at some time, but there is no guarantee that they will work for yours and if they don’t, that’s ok. People waste so much energy trying to do things “the right way” when really I think the best thing is to be open to trying different things and even making up your own thing. I thought I was an expert in child behavior after my oldest was born and lo and behold, my middle child responds to me zero percent in the same manner. And the baby is somewhere between the two older ones. It’s a continuous, exhausting learning process.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Because I love how inclusive this project is and how accepting it is of the “imperfect.” Or rather how everything is perfect because there is no expected ideal. There are just all these amazing people who have all done amazing things in their own way. I want my children to see how amazing birthing bodies are, and have a visual reminder of me and them in this time and space. I want them to know that parenthood is hard and I would never not choose them over and over again despite that. And I hope it can convince me to love what I have and not focus solely on the flaws.