Retta Sola (36 - she/her). Mother to Emerson (5 ), Magdalena (4), and Solomon (8 months - pictured)
Atlanta, GA
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I loved my body during my first two pregnancies! After the first trimesters I felt so wonderful and goddess-like! I adore the feeling of having a baby rolling around inside my belly. My third pregnancy was so different -- I was so uncomfortable and exhausted and rage-y. My body felt like it was falling apart. And only now, 8 months postpartum do I feel like my hips and back and organs are moving back into place.
Because of all the physical changes of pregnancy and postpartum, I am much more in tune with my body after three pregnancies and 3 breastfeeding journeys. I am more concerned with how I feel in my body than how it looks. At the same time I am still sad about my boobs. They have fed and comforted all three of my babies, but I am not looking forward to how they will look and feel after I am done nursing my last baby. I also have a better grasp on how my mental health and physical health are very much intertwined.
Although in the midst of postpartum anxiety the knowing does not make it easier to actually do what I know needs to be done to feel better. The knowing does not make it easier to just go to bed right after my kids go to sleep. I think about how great it will be to go to bed at night but then I sit on the cough in silence instead because that is the only time I have to just be. The knowing does not make it easier to actually go for the walk or go to the yoga class even though I know it would make me feel so much better. My body almost constantly feels like a pressure cooker on the inside and I wish I could just figure out a way to open the valve and let the steam out.
What was your postpartum experience?
With Emerson, my birth and the first 4 months were so very hard. I had a long, difficult labor and when Emerson was finally born I just felt shocked. TOTALLY SHOCKED. And then I just felt this overwhelming responsibility to keep him alive. I remember trying to go to sleep in the hospital after he was born, but every time I closed my eyes I could still see the clock on the inside of my eyelids.
He had jaundice, wouldn't wake to eat, had a tongue and lip tie and I had flat nipples that quickly became injured even with use of a nipple shield. We struggled intensely through his weight loss and tongue tie revisions, an insane pumping and trying to breastfeed schedule, and my incredibly damaged nipples. After about 4 months of awfulness I started to finally see a little bit of light.
I suffered from hyper-vigilance, anxiety and intrusive thoughts that got much better after I was advised to move him to his own room so I might actually get some sleep. But breastfeeding was never not painful. After those first 4 months, things slowly became more joyful and settled. When I finally had time to just be with him without worrying about when and if he would eat and how much it would hurt, my love for him blossomed beyond just the heavy feeling of needing to keep him alive.
With Magdalena, everything was so much easier. My birth was faster and so much easier. Breastfeeding was easier. But I still did not enjoy the newborn period and it was still so hard. Going from 1 to 2 was hard, but by 6 months we found our rhythm and my first two started to become each others' best friends. I had two, sweet little characters to enjoy life with. And life was good. Right at the time (literally the month) I came to terms with the idea of not having a third baby, we got pregnant.
With Solomon, I was dreading the 4th trimester but I really wanted to enjoy it knowing that he is my last baby. Solomon came really fast -- almost in the parking lot of the birth center, and he has been such an easy baby. The first three-ish months were really wonderful. Solomon has been the definition of delightful since the beginning. My husband was in the midst of switching jobs and had almost a month off. We had moved back to Atlanta, while I was pregnant and we were living with my mom and that made everything so much easier. But then real life had to start again. I did not expect the anxiety and the rage this time around, but it has hit me hard. I started seeing a therapist and I am still seeing her. I did not expect to have all the stuff I went through with Emerson to be so present in how I feel now. I guess I never processed it and it still needs to be processed. So that is what I am doing now. Working with it and through it.
What is your truth?
I wish I could let go of the guilt. I wish I could give myself more grace. I wish I could get back to the place where I was not second guessing myself all the time. Not everything has to be perfect and one bad day or even lots of bad days does not mean all the days will be bad. Remember that it is not fair to yourself to take credit for the bad and not the good.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I want to mark this period of time and share my story. I remember devouring other people’s stories after Emerson was born. It helped me realize that I wasn’t failing and that sometimes it really is this hard. I want to be able to remember how hard I worked to get to this point and through this point. I want to have a visual reminder of me and my joyful last baby. Even though I do not want another baby I am having a lot of big feelings about never feeling a baby rolling around in my belly again and never giving birth again and never having a tiny baby again. It feels like a huge transition — mentally and physically.