Maggie Stevens (40 - she/her), Sano (6), JoJo (4), and Benji (1.5). You can view Maggies original photo and story from 2018 here.
New York | Vermont
“I miscarried my second pregnancy and it was one of the loneliest experiences of my life. I recently read about microchimeric cells and it has brought me a kind of peace. I love the idea that if someone were to take a deep dive into my cells, the baby I miscarried would look just the same as the three children I have. It's so awesome to think that I will forever carry around cells from each of my babies within me.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Before having kids I didn't spend too much time thinking about my body -- I was more critical of it than I should have been, but I have always been healthy and able. Now everything is bigger and softer and I'm learning to love and accept that. I absolutely appreciate how kick ass it is that I grew and nursed three babies and am generally not too hard on myself anymore. I eat well, am active and don't abuse my body in ways I did when I was younger, so if this is what my body looks like in the lifestyle I'm comfortable in, I need to learn to be comfortable in my body.
What was your postpartum experience?
My third postpartum journey has been the most challenging. Nurturing three young children leaves little time or energy for much else, which has opened the door for both my postpartum anxiety and parenting guilt to rear their ugly heads. My anxiety constantly tries to tell me that the tragic demise of my family is imminent. Taking the kids to school, a walk in the woods, driving past a truck on the highway, my husband arriving five minutes late -- these are all met with intrusive thoughts. I often wonder if I've always been anxious but could quell the thoughts better because I didn't have as much to lose before having a family. Is anxiety the price I am paying for the tremendous joy my family brings to me?
And the guilt -- there is such a gap between the parent I want to be and the parent I see myself as. Every night when I go to bed I run through the day in my head and promise myself I will be better tomorrow. More patient, more kind, more present. My aim is not to be perfect, but to treat my kids the way I want to be treated and the way I want them to treat others, and so many days I feel I've missed the mark. I so often feel like I am still waiting to hit my stride as a parent and am curious if that ever really happens.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
You are everything your child needs. I still need to remind myself of this regularly. I am constantly humbled by the weight of this privilege when my children turn to me after a rough day, or when they are super proud of something, or need help getting to sleep. The knowledge that, of all the people in the world, their great joys and struggles can all be made a bit better by me, is such a gift.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
The joy and love and fulfillment of parenthood are real and so easy to find on social media. But postpartum anxiety is also real. Miscarriages are real. Loneliness is real. And these things are just as important to talk about as the joy and the love, but harder to find on social platforms. Ash has created a safe space to do just that, talk about the tough stuff. A space to find a community that supports every facet of parenthood, the joys and the challenges. A movement to celebrate the things that make us different and the things that bring us together. A movement where parents can speak their truth without judgement. It's such an honor to be a part of this.