Kelly Knight (38 - she/her) and family. Daughter Ramona is 4, Kelly is currently pregnant.
Oakland, CA {Virtual FaceTime session}
“In my first pregnancy, I had a miscarriage due to cervical insufficiency at 16.5 weeks. It was devastating. My water broke at work and I didn't know what was happening. Cervical insufficiency isn't really talked about -- I had no idea what it was, or that it could happen. It happens in about 1-2% of pregnancies, and is responsible for 8% of second trimester miscarriages. Ramona was carried to term with the help of a cervical cerclage placed at 13 weeks.
When we tried for a second child, the tests were all coming out kind of weird, so I got a CVS done, and it was confirmed that that baby had Trisomy-18, a genetic disorder. The median age those babies live outside the womb is 5-15 days. We chose to terminate, to spare that baby pain. It was also devastating, but my first job as a parent is to prevent harm, and that situation was going to be terrible for everyone, but mostly the baby. And for anyone that thinks that second trimester termination is an easy road, I've got news for you: it was the single most painful thing I've ever been through.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Before I got pregnant, I was a roller derby player and regular CrossFit goer. Having a miscarriage followed by a high-risk pregnancy changed all that. I became very conscious of keeping the baby safe, so I completely switched gears to just walking and prenatal yoga. Postpartum was a trip. I've always been curvy, but my body pretty radically changed.
I had a choice: accept it or fight it. After a long struggle, and in part because of this project, I've chosen acceptance. My body has been through 4 pregnancies. It's done a lot of work and adapted beautifully. How can I fault it? I was so angry at my body for "failing" with my first pregnancy. But I've now come to see it as a really sad part of my story -- not the whole story.
And now my body and I are mostly at peace. Sure, I sometimes get stuck in a comparison loop between my past self and this self, but mostly, I love seeing the subtle differences that age and pregnancy have had on my body. It's all part of the story.
What was your postpartum experience?
Postpartum was mostly pretty great -- I had a very straightforward birth with Ramona, and a solid breastfeeding relationship with her. That was a huge relief after a very medically-monitored pregnancy.
My family is a little different: we're a polyamorous family, with 4 co-parents who share parenting and household care evenly. That helped a lot in terms of getting the aftercare I needed, because none of our families live close-by. My partners each took some time off work during my maternity leave to help and to bond with the baby, and my metamour (my partner's partner) moved in with us to be a more involved co-parent, and also take care of Ramona when I had to go back to work.
I really love this model, because there are just more resources: even though I'm the birthing parent, it's not expected that I will do all the care work. I have space to have a creative, professional, and romantic life, in tandem with being a parent. It was really important to me to create that support among all of us before the baby was born, and with some adaptation after she got here, it's working really well. It takes a lot of communication, negotiation, and to be honest, a decent amount of therapy sometimes, but it's great.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
The joy is immense. Yes, it's hard. It can be thankless. But that's just it; it's an opportunity to hold that duality at the same time: the joy and the exhaustion all at once.
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
With this pregnancy, my biggest concern was the availability of the care I needed during COVID-19. For each pregnancy, I'm monitored by a high-risk Perinatologist, and I need a cerclage each time. With hospitals cancelling elective surgeries, I was really worried, that I wouldn't be able to get the cerclage placed prophylactically at the optimal time of 13 weeks, and they'd instead make me wait until an emergency situation.
Fortunately, my doctor made the case to the hospital that cervical cerclage is a life-saving procedure, and I was able to get it done at 13 weeks, the ideal time. I'm super grateful for the care I've received and our front-line workers who are showing up for us in a very real way during this scary time.
Other than that, it's been a mixed bag. Having four parents in one house means that we can all take a shift during the work day, so most of us can keep up at least 75% productivity for work. We're all incredibly fortunate to be able to work from home. My metamour Max is in school and had to pivot to their classes being online, and that's been a little disruptive, but mostly, we've been able to handle it. We know it's not the same for everyone, which is why we're actively campaigning our representatives for better policies and support for ALL families.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?I
I've had two very different pregnancy losses, and since both are so rare, it was really hard to find stories like mine, much less that had happened to the same person. Being able to see stories of hope really helped me want to try again.
Also, there aren't a lot of polyamorous families represented, and even though it's not something everyone can or wants to do, I'd like to see more visibility. I know not everyone will understand, but as a person who identifies as female, having the support of extra parents and sharing the work of parenting and care-taking has meant the world to me.