Sunni Harbert (35 - she/her), Arlo (7), Archer (4), and Atlas (16 months)
Houston, TX
“I miscarried at 10 weeks on August 2, 2018. I didn't realize at the time how many other people I knew that had miscarried before. Not only do people not openly talk about it, but no one tells you how much it hurts. You feel the pressure of dilation, the cramping of your body trying to expel the tissue, it's not just blood. I think I was in denial as it was happening. It started slowly and I called my husband, who offered to come home, but I said no, I'll be fine. I ended up taking my kids to their swim lessons and as I sat in the waiting room the pressure became too much to quietly handle, so I slipped into the bathroom. I sat in a swimming pool bathroom and my body did what it needed to do, then I pulled it together, showered my kids and went home to cook dinner. I didn't let myself fall apart until after my husband was home and the boys were in bed.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I've learned to become more neutral about my body after becoming a parent. I try to not look at my body and see the imperfections, but instead see the strength of building 3 humans, then move along. This sounds very healthy in theory, but in practice it's been a rough journey. After my second baby my body somehow shed weight like it never had before, I felt great, my energy was great, I felt like I was killing it at parenting. Then my thyroid crashed and everything I had lost I gained back and then some. It's been 3+ years of being on meds and changing my mindset to get to neutrality, and for me it's the best I can do for myself and my kids. I never had "typical" body issues growing up, but I never really *loved* my body and I always thought that was a problem. Now that I can appreciate it for what it's done I think that's exactly how it needs to be for me.
What was your postpartum experience?
I had a relatively standard pregnancy and postpartum with my first. I switched from an OB to a birth center at 33 weeks and I think that had a lot to do with my smooth(ish) transition into parenthood. The normal worries were there, but no one comes into parenthood knowing all the things. My second was also born at a birth center and everything went smoothly until we were sent to the ER twice, once at his 6 week check-in and again at his 3 month check-in. Both visits required emergency surgery and that took a toll on my mental health. Any time he cried I worried, any time he didn't cry I worried. I would lay awake at night and wait for him to wake up to nurse, then start over the next day, exhausted. I started doubting myself. I would stop the car a half mile from where we had started to double check that I had buckled him in. I felt alone and confined to my own head and that no one could possibly understand what it was like. The constant worrying subsided around the time he turned 1. My postpartum with my third has been both smooth and an adjustment. Atlas was born at home after a quick 3 hour labor. He has made me slow down and remember that I can't be everything to everyone all at once.
What is your truth?
Things will get easier and you'll get better at problem solving. Hard times make way for better times.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I've been following 4TBP for years now and always thought it would be a beautiful thing to have my photo be a part of this amazing movement, but I never felt like I was quite right for it. My story isn't traumatic and, with the exception of a few hospital visits, it isn't anything exceptional. But I've realized after reading dozens of other families stories that it doesn't have to be. It just has to be mine.