Jill (32 - she/her). Lucy (40 - she/her), and Emily (21 mo)
Washington, DC
Jill shares -
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I've always struggled with body image, but thought that growing and nurturing a human being would be so awe-inspiring that I'd somehow magically overcome that. After four years of infertility, however, watching my body try and fail to do something I'd assumed would come naturally, and gaining nearly a third of my body weight over again due to hormones and treatments, I was left feeling like an absolute stranger in my own body. When I finally got pregnant and gave birth to my miracle baby, the outcome was incredibly joyous, but even now, I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself. I'm wondering what it will take to get to a place of peace with this new body.
What was your postpartum experience?
Having struggled with depression in the past, I expected to experience postpartum depression. I had a team of experts lined up, everyone ready with support and resources. What I didn't expect was to experience a bout of postpartum mania that started right after giving birth, seemingly out of left field, one where I didn't sleep for what felt like a week, made elaborate plans, ordered new items (I couldn't tell you what!) off the internet every day until Amazon boxes just piled and piled and piled up in our house.
I worried constantly about my baby and my wife, about our house burning down and burglars breaking in (none of this happened or has ever happened). It was, to put it moderately, alarming. It was a rough four or so months until I started to calm down, again thanks to a team of incredible doctors and professionals who had the knowledge to tackle this and my best interests at heart. But no sooner had I gotten my bearings and returned to work than the depression I had expected during my whole pregnancy started to kick in.
I spent a fitful summer trying to push forward before finally asking for help in the fall and spending a week in the hospital to reset. I came out on shaky ground, but finally, finally able to be present with my family. I had to rebuild my life from the ground up. My wife was a gem this entire year, as she always is, and my friends were so incredibly supportive. I know people love me and have my back, and that every move I made was the right one for my daughter and my family, but I'm still heartsick about all the things I missed in my daughter's first year, between months on months of moods, memory-robbing medication, and a brief hospitalization. I'll never see her crawl for the first time, or remember the details like her first smile or her first laugh. But we're building new memories together one day at a time and I'm hopeful that I struggled then so I can be more stable for her in future.
What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
It's okay to lean - and lean hard - on your friends and your found family. Parenthood can be daunting and scary on a good day; if you've hit any bumps in the road on the way there or postpartum, you're going to need support, so reach out for those hands.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I love the art of photography, and I think it can capture what even words cannot (and I say that as a writer!). I wanted to see myself through that lens - is it possible to like what I see of myself in a mirror or image, when it involves my beloved wife and daughter? I also wanted to share a bit of what I went through to get to this point -- it's been incredibly difficult, but reading the stories on the archives have given me so much hope that things get better.
Lucy shares -
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
As a non-birthing mother and the older parent, I was worried I would not be able to keep up with a young child. The first months were very hard thanks to a thyroid disorder and diabetes. But what happened with me is that I got very, very into Crossfit after the first three months with our daughter. I discovered that I really love what my body can do and that it is a gift and a joy to be able to keep up with my daughter. I love that I can lift her high and cuddle her close. I love that I have learned how to be compassionate with my body through exercise and that I can give that to Emily.
What is your truth?
I didn't expect to be a great mom for a baby or toddler. It was a genuine gift to be wrong and to find delight and joy in watching my little human's brain and body develop. That's my truth: parenting brings unexpected joy through proving you wrong.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
My wife has wanted to do a shoot like this since before she was pregnant. If having my body near hers gives her the safety she needs to do this shoot, then I am glad to do it. I also have never felt more comfortable in my body in my life and think this is an opportunity to try something new with my body as well.