Isabella Norris (22) and Harlow Everett (9 mo)
Minneapolis, MN
“I found out I was pregnant for the first time in January 2018. I had just quit my long-term job that had paid well just a couple week prior, in order to focus on finishing my college degree in American Indian Studies. I was freshly engaged to my partner, Matt, as of October. I had a very clear image of what I wanted to do in life, and I knew how I was going to get there.
After learning I was pregnant due to failed birth control pills (that I took very diligently), it threw what I thought my world was completely out the window. After a couple weeks of pure panic, which then slowly turned into excitement, Matt and I both agreed how great it would be to welcome our very own little one into the world. We started to get settled into the idea; told family members, started thrifting clothes, thinking of names. Then one day, in the middle of February, I felt bleeding. The following day we went in to see our midwives, and sure enough, I was experiencing a miscarriage at around 8 weeks pregnant.
Matt and I both cried. A lot. I felt an emptiness I didn't know existed. And then, just a couple days later, I felt a pain so intense that it almost made me pass out. Matt brought me into the hospital, and turns out I was experiencing a blocked small intestine. I was admitted into the hospital and put on the strongest pain killers available, a tube shoved down my throat for days. Unable to be coherent enough to make decisions, I floated through, broken and sick, while others were in control of what happened to me.
Luckily enough I had one doctor that stuck up for me against having surgery by suggesting that "Hey, western medicine won't agree, but how about the concept that the miscarriage and these problems are related?". Because of him, I got to go home. I was released after 6 days, still not fully better, but at least not with a surgery that would have caused complications for the rest of my life. It took another 3-4 weeks for things to pass and to not have to be on medication daily.
Due to being in the hospital, and then still being so sick after, I had to quit that semester of school. So when I got "better", I was jobless, and not in perusing the degree I was excited about. I had never felt so useless in my life. After weeks and weeks of my mental health just taking a terrible downturn, Matt and I started talking about the joy that came from that small little moment of pregnancy I had gotten to experience. Through that dark, dark time, we had this little glimmer of hope. It took so much therapy, and support of friends and family, to get through that time. In April, we found out I was pregnant again. Our rainbow finally shone through.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Hahaha. I actually laughed at this question, is that bad? It's probably bad. I have always struggled with my body image. I've just never felt great about myself. When I started birth control years prior, I had gained like 30 pounds that took a very long time to lose. When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I was actually, for the first time, happy with my body. I was strong because I was working out, and I felt comfortable at the weight I was at for the first time in a long time. But then, due to really intense nausea during my first pregnancy and only being able to eat bland high-calorie foods, I already gained ten pounds by the time I was pregnant again. And then I had perinatal depression and PTSD, which made it really hard to get myself to do a lot.
When I finally got out of the depression funk, I was diagnosed with pelvic problems which prevented me from doing anything to physical. During my pregnancy I ended up gaining an additional 50+ lbs, and felt absolutely terrible the entire time. After I had Harlow, I struggled so much. I felt so uncomfortable with my body, despite how often Matt would tell me how lovely I was. I tried so hard, but it never really got better.
As I have started to get back to my pre-pregnanc(ies) weight, I have finally started feeling better. Which Im frustrated with. I wanted to feel empowered and feel good enough where I was at during pregnancy and during early postpartum. And to be honest, I still struggle. Often. I'm only about 10 lbs away from my original weight, but my body is so different. It's getting easier, slowly, but I'm not nearly as confident as I was pre-pregnancy. I think that's part of why I got drawn to being apart of this project. I want to feel like "me", where I am at right now.
What was your postpartum experience?
Postpartum was hard. I got a fourth degree tear during delivery, and the healing process from that was difficult. I was in the hospital for four days trying to heal a bit more before going home. On top of healing, I really intensely struggled with breastfeeding. I had always expected that moment of latching to be so exciting and just feel amazing. Man, I was just so wrong on that! It was so HARD. And it felt like I was literally was feeding him ALL. THE. TIME. Because I was! I tried to see a lactation consultant only to be diagnosed with Insufficient Glandular Tissue (IGT), being told I would never make enough milk for my son.
I was so under-slept, and so scared that Harlow wasn't gaining weight the way he was supposed to because of me. I struggled a lot. My marriage struggled a lot. I became overly defensive over anything, and frustrated at the smallest thing. I had never felt under so much pressure. To keep this little tiny human that I created alive. To spread my time and love evenly over to my partner. To keep a house from not getting so messy that it caused me to have panic attacks. To remember to shower, or get a second to myself.
Eventually that diagnosis of IGT got thrown out the window by my midwives and his pediatrician, but the stress that came from all of that really affected me a lot. I wanted to quit breastfeeding so badly. I ended up trying to go dairy free to see if that would help how fussy Harlow was, and that actually made a huge difference. We also were able to find (free) milk donors in our community who made it possible to help with supplementing Harlow with breastmilk, which took so much pressure off me. In the end it still took months to really feel established with feedings, but now it is actually the most amazing relationship.
My fourth trimester felt like such a whirlwind. In the moment, everything took forever. The endless night wakings, the diapers, the screaming. It seemed to never end. But you know what? It did. For real! Things actually got better. The sunny little moments we got from him, like seeing him really smile for the first time, or watching him learn the give kisses, or laugh, made everything so much better. Eventually I started to feel more like myself and less like I was being controlled by my hormones, and that has helped so much too. When I look at it today, I realize everything we went through got us to where we are now. I have a happy little boy, who is just about to walk and loves to meet new people, and an incredibly loving and supportive husband who I adore being married to. But wow, postpartum a lot. Never easy, always worth it. This year has been absolutely all over the place, but with where we ended up, I truly couldn't be more grateful for it.
What is your truth?
Parenthood is the realest thing you will ever experience. Right now, our world is filled with false reality. Instagram, Facebook, reality TV to see what others "lives" are like. We as a society tend to spend our time in front of a screen, to avoid a world that is struggling to stay afloat amidst all of the travesties happening. And then, all of a sudden, you make life. Real, right in front of you, life. A human that YOU made, and that is it's own person. Experience it. Soak it in. Breathe through the hard bits, because they really will pass, even though it doesn't feel like it in the moment. This matters so, so much, maybe more than anything.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
My sister-in-law, Rose, participated last year. I was inspired by her to be a part of this project. I look up to her. We have a lot of similar experiences, and seeing her be a part of something so empowering really made me want to be apart of that too. On top of that, I'm a tribal member of the San Luis Rey band of Luiseño based out of Oceanside, CA, and I think its important to be here for other Native womxn/non-binary caregivers out there. It's hard to find a community, especially when you are displaced away from your tribe. I struggle with not seeing people who look like me in social media, and want to help change that. I haven't read many stories similar to mine, so maybe this will help someone feel less alone when they read my story too.
