Lisa Levinson (40 - she/her), Elliott (6), Jonah (4), and River (11 months)
Ann Arbor, MI
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Pregnancy and my postpartum body have made me feel so exposed, like my body precedes me and is always open for critique and commentary. Some days I long to just leave my body behind so that I can save the energy that it takes to bring it with me into public spaces. Part of my job involves teaching, so I am often standing in front of a classroom. I feel my competence and "professionalism" being physically read off my body - am I "in control" of my weight and my shape, do I have it all together? It is exhausting and I resent the way our society scrutinizes women's bodies.
As an academic, I've always struggled with the notion that we are just our minds, and that our bodies are irrelevant to our purpose. Before having children, practicing yoga and making physical, tangible crafts and food was my antidote for the physical denial of academia. Experiencing pregnancy, a traumatic cesarean, two VBACs, diastasis recti, breastfeeding, pumping, and various injuries really brought my physical body to the fore of my daily experience. Yet in day to day life, I still feel compelled to pretend as though it doesn't matter to me, as though only the bodies of others are important. At the same time that my body is going through so much change, it is also under constant demand from my children. Sometimes I am amazed at the things my body can do, and other times I despair at the ways I feel like it is failing me.
What was your postpartum experience?
I love the aspect of postpartum that is outside of time - when I can be fully immersed in my baby, my recovery, my family, and my home. It is exhausting and painful, but I really appreciate the intensity and focus of it all. Each time it has been too short for me - interrupted too soon. I wish every parent could take as long as they want and need for everything that comes with a new member of the family and the healing and adjustments that their body must make.
Our first, Elliott, was born by cesarean after 24 hours of difficult labor and a transfer to the hospital from a planned homebirth. After 42 weeks of pregnancy, a long, complicated labor, and coercion from the OB staff, I thought I might die in the OR as the doctors seemed to puzzle over how to stop my hemorrhaging. My baby was born but I felt barely alive. Finally they were able to stop the bleeding and after what felt like an eternity I was able to truly hold my baby. After feeling so drained of life I suddenly was bursting with joy and relief. We had been through so much together. The next months we fought it out together - both struggling, in pain, crying, confused - but swollen with love. Love and milk, everywhere milk.
Our second, Jonah, came as such a surprise, at only 38 weeks 5 days, and an intense but swift labor of under four hours. There was a moment when the midwives thought he might be in distress, and I pushed with all of my strength and suddenly there he was. I didn't feel ready to meet him, and it took longer to get to know who this new baby was, and what our story would be. I tandem nursed him and his older brother, which helped me to feel connected to both of them during that strange time of expansion and healing. Although I was happy to have avoided a cesarean. I had a whole new set of pains and injuries to recover from after his pregnancy and birth. I was more careful with my body, sometimes afraid of "breaking" it further. He was an easier newborn and everything was a little less extreme, more gradual. I think it was around 6 weeks postpartum when my body started to feel a little more familiar and our bond started to grow exponentially. I really fell in love all over again.
I still consider myself in the postpartum period with our third child, River, and don't have enough distance from it to see it in the same way yet. Like Elliott, he was born on the "late" side, but like Jonah, he was born fast. We were very ready for him to be born; Jonah had been asking for the baby "to come out of my tummy" for weeks. Physically the recovery was much like the second time around, but I was better prepared. Seeing the adoration that his big brothers had for him was heart melting from day one. We have all been smothering him with love ever since. I'm trying to enjoy it as much as I can and be patient with my body - this body which has made, birthed, and fed three amazing children.
What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
I don't have any advice that could really prepare anyone for being a new parent. If I could go back and tell myself something in advance, it would be to be patient and try to see the long view. I don't think I could have understood what that meant though until I made it out of those first years!
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I wanted to be a part of this project because I think our bodies are important, not only for our children, but for ourselves and for the world. I just wanted to say that I have a body and it's been through a lot of stuff and I'm trying to take care of it as best I can.