Meagan Jablonski

Meagan Jablonski (29) and Mia (5 months)

Buffalo, NY

Meagan shares -

“I have barely any time to look at myself in the mirror, but when I look myself in the eye I do see a smug pride. I am proud of my body for what it did and what it can do. All through my long labor my mind was holding my body back, and I finally learned to trust my body and release into it's own wisdom, and now I am simply an observer in awe of what my body was able to do. I trust that my body is doing exactly what it should be, and I won't try to force it "back".

My hair is still falling out in masses, but I hope it stops soon. I experienced hormonal acne on my back like I haven't known since middle school, but it's pretty much better. I have gained many pounds, but I don't feel heavy. My hips caught marks from stretching during the very last week of my daughter's stay - and to me they're a free tattoo that shows how much I loved her.

I had craved motherhood for years. My partner and I had been trying to conceive for a long time and finally he helped me into healing myself with food alone. It took a while for me to feel comfortable with the pregnancy - how could we have made a perfect baby on our first conception when there is so much trauma in the world? I expected the worst because those are the stories that haunt you and stay with you. It was hard to feel positive during my pregnancy but I did my best.

The first few weeks of motherhood were surreal for me. My husband went back to work the day after the birth, and left for Florida that weekend. His work takes him away constantly and I felt guilty for wanting him there when he was working so hard to support us, and I felt angry that he wasn't getting to know his baby which led to more guilt because of course he wanted to know his baby and how could I not have empathy for my husband who was also feeling sad about missing his family?

I was awake and hungry, and so was my baby. I bled and watched movies, ate and nursed my baby. I watched her eyes change color and her beautiful body flush and plump up. I was immediately in love and also having the highs and lows of normal hormone fluctuations after pregnancy- which are not to be taken lightly.

I am still a fairly fresh postpartum mother, and I am very thankful that in our culture postpartum depression is so widely discussed. If I hadn't been warned about it I would have been caught off guard. But I was prepared. I asked my own mother to come around a lot once the baby arrived, and we grew closer because of that. I forced myself to get out for a walk every day in the winter, I ate my placenta (in pill form). I never watched anything sad (except for Downton Abbey, accidentally). I ate good food, I took bubble baths and relaxed. It helped me.

I'm here because I love myself. I'm proud of my body and what it has done. The advice I received during pregnancy from many people was fear based and less than positive. I want to be an example of natural birth (62 hours out of hospital, 42+ weeks) for those that want it (and not high risk) and are scared. I think a picture says more than I could about how happy I feel about how everything went and is going now.”

Lisa Levinson

Lisa Levinson (40 - she/her), Elliott (6), Jonah (4), and River (11 months)

Ann Arbor, MI

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Pregnancy and my postpartum body have made me feel so exposed, like my body precedes me and is always open for critique and commentary. Some days I long to just leave my body behind so that I can save the energy that it takes to bring it with me into public spaces. Part of my job involves teaching, so I am often standing in front of a classroom. I feel my competence and "professionalism" being physically read off my body - am I "in control" of my weight and my shape, do I have it all together? It is exhausting and I resent the way our society scrutinizes women's bodies.

As an academic, I've always struggled with the notion that we are just our minds, and that our bodies are irrelevant to our purpose. Before having children, practicing yoga and making physical, tangible crafts and food was my antidote for the physical denial of academia. Experiencing pregnancy, a traumatic cesarean, two VBACs, diastasis recti, breastfeeding, pumping, and various injuries really brought my physical body to the fore of my daily experience. Yet in day to day life, I still feel compelled to pretend as though it doesn't matter to me, as though only the bodies of others are important. At the same time that my body is going through so much change, it is also under constant demand from my children. Sometimes I am amazed at the things my body can do, and other times I despair at the ways I feel like it is failing me.

What was your postpartum experience?

I love the aspect of postpartum that is outside of time - when I can be fully immersed in my baby, my recovery, my family, and my home. It is exhausting and painful, but I really appreciate the intensity and focus of it all. Each time it has been too short for me - interrupted too soon. I wish every parent could take as long as they want and need for everything that comes with a new member of the family and the healing and adjustments that their body must make.

Our first, Elliott, was born by cesarean after 24 hours of difficult labor and a transfer to the hospital from a planned homebirth. After 42 weeks of pregnancy, a long, complicated labor, and coercion from the OB staff, I thought I might die in the OR as the doctors seemed to puzzle over how to stop my hemorrhaging. My baby was born but I felt barely alive. Finally they were able to stop the bleeding and after what felt like an eternity I was able to truly hold my baby. After feeling so drained of life I suddenly was bursting with joy and relief. We had been through so much together. The next months we fought it out together - both struggling, in pain, crying, confused - but swollen with love. Love and milk, everywhere milk.

Our second, Jonah, came as such a surprise, at only 38 weeks 5 days, and an intense but swift labor of under four hours. There was a moment when the midwives thought he might be in distress, and I pushed with all of my strength and suddenly there he was. I didn't feel ready to meet him, and it took longer to get to know who this new baby was, and what our story would be. I tandem nursed him and his older brother, which helped me to feel connected to both of them during that strange time of expansion and healing. Although I was happy to have avoided a cesarean. I had a whole new set of pains and injuries to recover from after his pregnancy and birth. I was more careful with my body, sometimes afraid of "breaking" it further. He was an easier newborn and everything was a little less extreme, more gradual. I think it was around 6 weeks postpartum when my body started to feel a little more familiar and our bond started to grow exponentially. I really fell in love all over again.

I still consider myself in the postpartum period with our third child, River, and don't have enough distance from it to see it in the same way yet. Like Elliott, he was born on the "late" side, but like Jonah, he was born fast. We were very ready for him to be born; Jonah had been asking for the baby "to come out of my tummy" for weeks. Physically the recovery was much like the second time around, but I was better prepared. Seeing the adoration that his big brothers had for him was heart melting from day one. We have all been smothering him with love ever since. I'm trying to enjoy it as much as I can and be patient with my body - this body which has made, birthed, and fed three amazing children.

What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

I don't have any advice that could really prepare anyone for being a new parent. If I could go back and tell myself something in advance, it would be to be patient and try to see the long view. I don't think I could have understood what that meant though until I made it out of those first years!

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I wanted to be a part of this project because I think our bodies are important, not only for our children, but for ourselves and for the world. I just wanted to say that I have a body and it's been through a lot of stuff and I'm trying to take care of it as best I can.

Elizabeth Hubley

Elizabeth Hubley (34 - 34 weeks pregnant at time of photograph) and Caroline June Brandt (2.5)

Silver Spring, MD | Washington, DC

Elizabeth shares - 

"I haven't experienced pregnancy losses but I almost died from Toxic Shock Syndrome at age 16. It was a very traumatic experience and I wasn't sure I would be able to get pregnant. My pregnancy and Caroline's birth were very healing for me and I am so honored and blessed to have her and be bringing another child into the world.

Parenthood - especially early motherhood - is a time of constant change which has made me realize that EVERYTHING shifts and changes, especially our bodies. There are seasons of abundance, frustration, exhaustion, love, and uncertainty and I think it has made me more open to the body journey of pregnancy and postpartum. I am doing my best to teach my daughter that all bodies are to be celebrated and that we have more strength than we know.

The postpartum period was both harder and easier than I expected. I had a lot of support from family and friends and an amazing acupuncturist whose wisdom and treatments helped me to feel strong and regain balance. I was incredibly lucky to have a very positive breastfeeding experience and quickly connected with other moms of newborns and began to build my village.

Physically, the early recovery from Caroline's birth was harder than I expected - I felt incredibly strong my entire pregnancy, I practiced and taught yoga until a few days before she was born. I was also empowered by my birth experience but healing from perineal tearing definitely made me slow down and realize the need for rest and recovery.

I have been following 4th trimester bodies since the birth of my daughter and was (and am) so inspired by all of the women who participate. My journey to parenthood and resulting healing of the trauma from Toxic Shock Syndrome made me want to share that story with others. In the past 2 years I've also made a huge shift in my own business to work with pregnant people and new parents through yoga, coaching, and mamas circles in the DC area. I am working to create open and inclusive spaces for all, where parents can build community and connect with others in a truly authentic way. There is so much pressure and so many unrealistic expectations during pregnancy and parenthood I hope I am able to help share the reality of it all, just as you are.

I believe we are stronger than we know. It often takes others to help us realize this - after pregnancy loss, or birth, or becoming a parent - but those people will change our lives and help us to find the strength we didn't know we had.

Update: Aiden Felix Brandt was born on July 18, 2018 after a very long pregnancy (41 weeks, 4 days) and relatively short labor. I, unfortunately, suffered a severe postpartum hemorrhage a few hours after his birth but thankfully my midwife and care team were incredible. Recovery has been hard but support from my acupuncturist, midwives, friends and family has helped tremendously - I'm so thankful for my village. We're settling in as a family of 4 and looking forward to this new adventure."

Daava Mills-Chavez

Daava Mills-Chavez (44) and Ileana (7)

Photographed in Portland, OR

Daava shares - 

"I haven't had any losses. My pregnancy was pretty uneventful. Labor was eventful but short at 6.5 hours. I hemorrhaged, and my blood pressure plummeted. I am grateful for the nurses who took care of me postpartum; they truly are angels.

I've struggled with how my body has looked after giving birth. Weight is now at the forefront of my mind. However, in a goal to lose some inches, my daughter saw was I was doing and started checking in and asking me if I shouldn't be eating this or that. I don't want her to have body issues, or see my body as having issues, as she may grow up to look like me. I want her to accept herself for who she is and what she looks like. So pass a cookie, and let's play, or cuddle.

I am excited help show that normal bodies are a range of bodies. After all, my body did something truly amazing.

Don't be too hard on yourself. And don't get caught up in what's "best" because that is personal to everyone. Everyone deserves encouragement for their parenting and birthing styles.

Pavitra Roychoudhury

Pavitra Roychoudhury (35) and Raagini (1.5). Pavitra is also mother to Rohan who died at 3 days old.

Bangalore, India | Nigeria, Ghana | Singapore 

Photographed in Seattle, WA

Pavitra shares - 

"Our son Rohan was born after a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy and we enjoyed a few wonderful hours together as a new family before our lives were turned upside down. We found out that he had intestinal malrotation that had led to volvulus and he needed emergency surgery. Unfortunately, after removing the damaged bowel, there was too little healthy tissue left and we had to make the most difficult decision of our lives. We held him in our arms for nearly 12 hours, enjoying his soft baby hair, the little dimple on his cheek and his little fingers and toes, imagining the little boy and man he might have grown up to be. He lived 3 days but changed our lives forever, in more ways than we could ever imagine. The next year was a blur as we went back to work and we dealt with grief by simply trying to get through each day, a few hours at a time. Eventually, we found the courage to try again and after a miscarriage at 9 weeks followed by what felt like the longest pregnancy in human history, our daughter Raagini was born.

When I was pregnant with Rohan, I worried about things that seem so silly now. I had a goal for how long I’d take to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I worried about my career and obsessed about what a typical day would look like with work, daycare pickup, drop-off, pumping milk, working out, volunteering, etc. When he died, I struggled with guilt—why had I spent so much time thinking about these things? Why didn’t I spend more time enjoying the pregnancy? I hadn’t routinely felt those warm, fuzzy, maternal feelings that my friends seemed to have and that made me feel very guilty as well. Maybe I wasn’t meant to have a child. What if that’s why I lost Rohan? It ate me up inside.

After the miscarriage, I wondered whether my body was even capable of bringing a healthy child into this world. What was I doing wrong? It was very hard to start working out again because it brought back all these feelings of guilt. I hated myself for enjoying a Zumba class and remember sobbing in the bathroom afterwards. Every stretch mark reminded me of Rohan and while that broke my heart at first, eventually I learned to enjoy that visible connection I had with him, a way of keeping him alive in my memories. With Raagini came a new set of worries, not about my body or my work, but just getting to the finish line and bringing a healthy baby home. Rohan and Raagini have taught me to love my body in completely different ways. I am proud of this body that got out of bed every morning even when it seemed impossible, that nurtured a child through fear and self-doubt, that found the strength to hope even when it felt completely dark.

Labour with Rohan was long and difficult. I’m told I lost over a liter of blood as a result of postpartum haemorrhaging. Of course, given the events that followed, there was no time to think about recovery and I have very few vivid memories from the weeks that followed. What I do remember is the worst pain I’ve felt in my life. Not labour, not pushing, not the stitches. It was, as any loss mom will tell you, when the milk came in. The physical pain was as bad as the heartbreak from the repeated reminder that this body was meant to feed a child. I have no words of comfort for moms who go through this. I just wish I could sit with you and hold your hand and cry with you. With Raagini, I was so scared of losing her that I didn’t buy any baby things other than one outfit. We just hoped that we would get to bring her home in that outfit and not have to say goodbye to her in it. Even today, I don’t have a baby book because I’m too scared that it will end abruptly. During the pregnancy, I found ways to manage the paranoia and fear—until I could feel her kick, I would use a Doppler to look for her heart beat and repeat in the mirror “today she is alive, today I am ok”. Some days were better than others. I thought the fear would disappear once we brought her home but it didn't. What if she died in her sleep, what if, what if... even today, I sometimes go check on her in the middle of the night. These are not things that baby books and prenatal classes prepare you for.

I don’t have any words of wisdom to share with my former self. I miss that naïve girl who doesn’t constantly ask herself “what if right now is all the time I have”. I try to live my life by asking how I can use this limited time to make a positive impact on whatever I’m doing right now, whether it’s science, walking dogs or spending time with family and friends. Because, really, what if right now is all the time I have?

There’s so much silence after a loss. I’m here today because programs like 4TBP help break that silence and I’d like to contribute to that. I want to share my story so parents who are going through something similar know that there’s at least one person out there who has felt the same way, the same fear, the self-doubt, the guilt and that tiny bit of hope. Maybe it will help them process their own experience? I don’t know. I'd also like to highlight the work of the Journey Program at Seattle Children's Hospital, to whom we are incredibly grateful. Through their counseling services and support groups, we've met some amazing people with similar stories who have now become dear friends."

Jodall Mattson

The amazing Jodall Mattson with her boys Dencio Cash (4) and Wilder Gray (2). Jodall's first pregnancy was uncomplicated but her delivery ended with an unexpected, emergency cesarean. Her recovery was easier than she expected but breastfeeding didn't at all go as she'd planned. Her breast grew over 10 sizes to an N cup and she couldn't get her baby to latch and she ended up exclusively pumping for 13 months.  When Dencio was 10 months old she got pregnant again. This time she remained physically healthy as well but experienced perinatal depression, anxiety and OCD while she was pregnant which was very hard to deal with. She knew she wanted to do everything she could to avoid her previous birth experience so she hired a midwife and delivered at home. It was an amazing experience but she had a postpartum hemorrhage and had to be transferred via ambulance to the hospital to have retained placenta removed and have a blood transfusion. Breastfeeding this time was a breeze and has been a wonderful experience for she and Wilder.

Kittie Chow

The lovely Kittie Chow and Hazel (5 months). Kittie is also mom to Noah (14). Kittie had an incredibly easy first pregnancy with no morning sickness and a very easy labor. Her delivery, however, was difficult. Her son was 10lbs 2 oz and she had a lot of postpartum hemorrhaging which landed her in the hospital a week. She had two blood transfusions, was unable to hold her son for many hours and had a hard time breastfeeding. They had a rough start connecting and she continues to feel like their relationship has suffered because of it. Her second pregnancy was very different, she had morning sickness for all but 8 weeks of it and had to be on Zofran. Hazel was sunny side up which made labor very painful. After 18 hours Kittie asked for an epidural and quickly began to progress. She had been stalled at a 4 but was ready to push in just a few hours. Breastfeeding this time has been much easier and she feels they're off to a great start. Kittie believes in the normalization of our bodies and breastfeeding and wanted to mark this moment of her relationship with her daughter.

Amanda Hesford

The wonderful Amanda Hesford with her daughters Claudia (6.5), Josephine (3.5) and Penelope (6 months). When Amanda had Claudia she had a very long labor and a large postpartum hemorrhage. She lost a lot of blood and required two liters to be transfused and emergency procedures. Alone on the operating table, she was told she would need a full hysterectomy and never be able to have any more children just hours after birthing her first. Thankfully, that didn't happen, but it took her a lot of time to recover from the experience. Before getting pregnant with Josephine, she found an obstetrician that reassured there the was nothing wrong with her body. She had a very healthy pregnancy and an amazing labor. She meditated through much of it, and the doctor walked in just as she was pushing. It completely changed her thoughts on birthing and was a welcome relieve. She had another healthy pregnancy and birth with Penelope. It was even quicker than the last, and the doctor did miss it this time! Amanda pretty much caught her baby herself. She's been able to have wonderful breastfeeding relationships with her younger two, another relief after she was unable to breastfeed successfully with Claudia. Amanda wants her daughters to have a healthy image of themselves and her as their mother.

Sally Matthews, Jessica Harbron & Sarah-Jane Hinton

The lovely Sally Matthews with her daughters Sarah-Jane Hinton and Jessica Harbron and grandsons Beau (3), Harrison (2) and Miller (9 months).

Sally is mother to eight. Sarah Jane (29), Jessica (26), Joshua (24), Samantha (18), Jazmine (17), Emily (14), Ezekiel (12) and Cody (7). Sally has had healthy pregnancies with all of her children, and her first 7 babies were born in the hospital. She's had very healthy babies with the exception of Joshua, who still struggles with his health today. Sarah had very fast labors, her first and longest lasting only three hours. Her youngest, Cody, was born at home unexpectedly in minutes. She was able to successfully breastfeed all 8 as well.

Sarah-Jane is mother to Harrison and Miller. Her boys are exactly two years and two days apart. Her pregnancy with Harrison was straightforward. She progressed very quickly, and they had to put a monitor on his head to keep track of his distress. They thought she'd need vacuum assistance, but Sarah was able to push him out on her own. She had a small postpartum hemorrhage but recovered without issue. Miller was born very quickly within an hour and a half, and Sarah had a fully natural delivery. Miller swallowed mucus and had to spend 6 days in NICU. She has been able to breastfeed both boys without complication.

Jessica is mother to Beau. She was in the hospital a few times during her pregnancy with high blood pressure and concerns for premature delivery. They decided to induce on her due date because of blood pressure concerns. She progressed very quickly as well but was able to have a natural delivery without complication and found the process much easier than she expected. Beau nursed until 4 months when Jessica weaned due to colic.

Maddison Gore

The phenomenal Maddison Gore with her sons Tobi  (4) and Jaxx (23 days). Maddison says that her story really began when she was 14 when her grandmother died. The two were very, very close. Not long after, her parents divorced, and it came out that her dad was gay. Her first pregnancy was when she was 16 but was lost to miscarriage. She got pregnant the second time at 18, miscarried again and got pregnant with Tobi very soon after. After Tobi's birth, she joined a young mother's group which ignited her passion for women. Maddison connected with women not yet ready to be on this journey, who banded together and talked about the things they couldn't share elsewhere. She saw that these women were much stronger than they thought and it motivated her to train to become a doula. Maddison decided that being a doula wasn't enough; she wanted to study midwifery and is currently in nursing school. Ultimately, she hopes to work with women and mothers navigating mental health issues without any stigma. Maddison split from her son's dad when he was just a year old and has been a strong single mother since. She got pregnant with Jaxx a few years later and is raising him a single mother as well. Her pregnancies have been very healthy, and she's had beautiful natural births. She retained her placenta with Tobi and was almost rushed to surgery, but they were able to get it out nearly two and a half hours later. Following Jaxx's delivery, she had a massive postpartum hemorrhage and lost over two liters of blood. She was rushed to surgery and needed two blood transfusions but has recovered very well and says that three weeks out, she's feeling great. She was able to breastfeed Tobi for his first four months and hopes to nurse Jaxx until he's ready to wean. Maddison says that she's been through a lot in her 23 years, and the perspective she's gained has allowed her to love other women with no judgment at all. Maddison's struggles with her body image have led to her creating a movement in her hometown of Geelong, Victoria (Australia) known as the 365 Day Project. She chose to participate in 4th Trimester Bodies Project because she wants to start appreciating and loving who she is.