Valerie (34 - she/her) and Finnley (9 months)
Boston, MA
“Growing up I was diagnosed with precocious puberty which means I was given monthly shots from 7-10 years old to delay menstruation and help my body catch up as I was already developing and looked more like I was 12 or 13. I distinctly remember doctors when I was young, and throughout my life, telling me I would likely not get pregnant naturally, to not even try, and that I would have trouble not only due to my family medical history, but due to precocious puberty.
When my partner and I decided to begin a family, I had my IUD removed and it took a little over a year to get pregnant. That pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 7 weeks and because of growing up with the message that I would have trouble, I wasn’t super surprised but still grieved. I got pregnant much sooner following that loss than expected, and found myself feeling really anxious throughout pregnancy. We didn’t choose to tell most people until after 20 weeks and at that point I was feeling progressively more relaxed and calm about it all.
A large part of me has struggled with my pregnancy story because I not only fully expected to struggle significantly, but have also watched so many of my friends go through IVF, lose children and fetuses further on during pregnancy - and here I am with a happy and healthy 9 month old. I have felt guilty, shameful for being worried, and at times like I didn’t deserve to not have trouble like others that I love. I am trying to remind myself that my anxiety and worry was justified, and to be present with the happiness I can feel now, but I can’t help the other feelings that creep in sometimes.
Additionally, although Finnley is a birth after loss, and we sometimes refer to them as a “rainbow baby,” I don’t feel super connected to that term or concept. Loss is normal, loss is common, and struggles with fertility are not uncommon or rare – so why do we treat all of these experiences as they are? I celebrate that I have a happy and healthy kiddo, and don’t discount my loss, but I think collectively we would feel a lot less alone, shameful and like something was wrong with us or our bodies if we talked about the spectrum of normalcy around pregnancy, loss and parenting more openly and with more empathy and honesty.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Like many female identifying individuals, I grew up with messaging to be smaller (both physically, verbally and personality wise). My family, although well intentioned and loving, really only comments on female bodies when they are smaller, and focuses on beauty within those constraints.
If anything, parenthood has made me more verbal to my family. I lost weight unintentionally following delivery due to a severely restricted diet because of allergies in Finnley and I’ve been exclusively nursing. So, when I get the comments regarding how “good” I look because I’m a lot smaller, I have been able to push back. I’ve been more direct to family and others, asking them not to comment on my body, I bring up the fact that we only talk about beauty or comment on looking good when our bodies are smaller, and remind these people that no matter my size I should be valued and thought of as beautiful.
Even when pregnant I had conversations with my own mother and mother in law when they made comments about their bodies or food. My partner and I have communicated that discussion around dieting, body size or judgments about food will not be allowed around our kids. It is going to be really hard to do, since this is so ingrained in our culture, but I don’t want Finnley or any future children to grow up not loving the power they hold in their bodies. I want them to have body autonomy and not feel constrained with expectations of “thinness” or our historically white washed version of “beauty.”
What was your postpartum experience?
In many ways postpartum has been easier and harder than I expected.
Having worked in maternal and child health for a long time, and being one of the last friends and family to have kiddos, I felt pretty prepared for pregnancy, delivery and infancy. I knew about the mesh underwear and the uterine contractions and PPD and PPA. I searched hard and chose a wonderful provider who had low cesarean rates and high VBAC rates, was trauma informed and provided really patient centered care. Then came a week of painful prodromal labor, 18 hours of active labor with little progress, meconium in my amniotic fluid, and an urgent cesarean after Finnley’s heart rate dropped into the 80’s too many times and for too long to continue with vaginal delivery. Although I had prepared for the possibility of a cesarean, this was not in any way close to my hopes for a medication free, delayed cord clamping, trauma informed birth – but I don’t view this as traumatic or negative due to the provider I chose. I knew, and still know, that if they recommended a cesarean I needed one – and it ended up being true. Finnley had the cord wrapped around their neck and under their arm, so a few years ago, we both could have died. If I wasn’t a white woman in a good hospital with a provider who was attuned and aware of race, and risk and real true care of pregnant and parenting individuals, I could have died even in today’s world. I am privileged and lucky to have received the care I did.
Post-delivery is really when my challenges began. Finnley was diagnosed with lip and tongue ties and so breastfeeding was excruciatingly painful and resulted in severe nipple damage, vasospasms, and slow weight gain in Finnley among other complications. The pain and damage from breastfeeding was so severe that I didn’t even register the pain and recovery from the cesarean – a major abdominal surgery. I was pretty belligerent and determined to breastfeed because nothing else went the way I wanted it to, and I probably wanted something I could control. I ended up exclusively pumping for over a month in the beginning to let my nipples heal and make sure Finnley was getting enough food. We had Finnley’s ties released, engaged in chiropractic / craniosacral therapy care for Finnley and in the first two months worked on eliminating foods from my diet due to severe allergic reactions to my milk.
Now, 9 months later we are still exclusively breastfeeding (well, with solids now built in), I am dairy, soy, wheat and egg free and dream of bread but know this is just a blip in my life and I’m happy and proud of myself and Finnley for managing, adjusting and persevering during a really difficult time. I still get clogged ducts and milk blisters and have to pump in the middle of the night to ensure enough milk for daycare, but I’m happy to do it for now and will continue to breastfeed until we’re both ready to be done.
In general, postpartum has been filled with contradictions for me. I love this little human with my whole being but it took me a little while to feel really connected to them and understand their cues and needs. I hope for more children but also worry about the burden we’re putting on an already taxed world around us with global warming, war and so much hatred. I am happy being back to work full time and am angry at how the US treats parenting individuals and believe we should have a full year off for bonding, healing and development. I wish I could be home more with Finnley and am happy she gets educational stimulation, socialization and care from great daycare providers that I could not provide her…
Overall, I am blessed with a partner who is an amazing support. A family who cares and loves and has been economically helpful to make sure Finnley and we have what we need to thrive. We are so privileged and lucky to be where we are. I know my postpartum experience is just beginning, but feel pretty proud and happy to have survived what we have thus far, and to be thriving as much as we can in the day to day as we move forward in this crazy experience of parenthood.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Oof, this is a difficult existential question. I feel like I have many truths I want to shout from the rooftops about equity and politics and life, but I suppose those are more beliefs that truths. I have a mug that I bought a few years ago that says “I am brave, I am healing, I am blessed.” Even though the mug spoke to me when I bought it, I also have to remind myself of this often and although cliché, I think it’s going to be my next tattoo. For truly, I am brave, I am continually healing, and I am blessed.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Beyond fully believing in the anti-racist, anti-sexist, body positive and gender affirming mission of this project, I turn 35 in two days (after the photoshoot), and am committing to myself this year. I fully see the beauty in every human who has participated in this project and work hard personally and professionally as a public health social worker to encourage everyone to step into their power and love themselves. So, this year I am striving to give myself more grace, love myself a little more, be more vulnerable, take more risks, and see the beauty in myself that I see in other humans around me. This is my birthday present to myself, it scares the shit out of me to stand in front of this camera in my underwear, but I want my kids to see me in front of the camera, not just behind it. I want to remember this time, honor it, and celebrate myself and what I have been through.