Katy Shaffer (30 - she/her) and JoAnn (10 months)
Columbia, MO
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Becoming a mother has done amazing things for my body image. I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin. It’s awesome having a husband that lifts me up and is quite delighted in the transformation my body made to grow another human. But more than that, I am genuinely happy and frankly impressed with what my body went through. In a sense I feel as if it’s almost an out of body experience looking at myself with this uninhibited pride in what this beautiful god damn body of mine can do. On another level, becoming a mother has awakened this intuition to not expose my child to body shaming, especially not self-shame. As a result I want to and need to see myself in a positive light. It truly is a blessing.
What was your postpartum experience?
I want to start on the bright side. We create and I grew an actual person who continually blows us away. She is the light and goodness in this world. She reaffirms that I am a true earth goddess walking this planet who was meant to escort that soul from the universe earth-side. Our constant and consistent conversations are centered around general amazement at the small star child that we created. She’s really cool. And I love her. And she’s a HoneyBear and growls. And she has 7 teeth. These are like the shining moments of my life now.
Also, though, really, my experiences during and right after the birth of JoAnn has played the role of shaping my postpartum anxiety/depression experience. The difference in the birth we planned and the birth we got is laughable. We went from laboring in a dope ass pool in my living room on a Monday night/Tuesday morning with our midwife to a being told we’d have to stay in the NICU by Thursday. After 60 (ish) hours of labor I delivered JoJo via cesarean and then proceeded to be kept floors away from my baby for over 5 hours.
She was in the NICU and I was on “the mag” and getting bags of blood pumped into me. “The mag” is a magnesium treatment that I literally not one time read about or came across in all my obsessive scouring of the internet and books while I was pregnant. It was an acid trip in the twilight zone. I didn’t know how much time had actually passed until weeks later. I knew in my aching heart that it took way too long for me to hold my baby, and get skin to skin and do all the things a pregnant mother dreams about doing with her fresh newborn baby. My husband, thank God, never left the baby’s side. He did everything I could have hoped for and more. It still really hurts though.
And then...Postpartum anxiety/depression. It’s is a sneaky little bitch. My postpartum experiences have been interlaced with this depression and anxiety that creeps it's way in. I don't see it coming. I'm not suicidal. I don't have harmful thoughts. I'm seemingly kicking ass and loving every second with my family and then it happens. Just one minute too many while trying to get the baby down for a nap. There's a threshold that nobody told me about that I cross at certain points of the day and my chest gets tight, heart rate increases, I'm grumpy now? I'm feeling pissed off and guilty? Just one thing too many...the baby pulled my hair for the 19th time, she cried again when I tried to lay her down. I have a couple moments in my day where I just cross over to that dark place and I don't know how I got there. But I’m there, and if it’s not trying to knock me down a little bit then it’s replaying the hospital over and over. And don’t get me wrong. I have some amazing memories of my time with the baby in the hospital and the growth that I witnessed in Josh and myself is admirable, but it did something deep within my core. It triggered something that I know will be a source of strength for me one day but it’s not that day yet. That baby, though!
What is your truth?
My truth comes from that primal instinct and connection I experienced as a pregnant woman. I find so much comfort and strength in the simple fact that women have been doing exactly what I did for hundreds of thousands of years. While I didn’t get that “I am woman, hear me roar” bearing down birth in my home that I hope and prepared for, there’s no reason I couldn’t accomplish that in the future should I get pregnant again.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Simple answer, it’s important. Out of all the things to sift through on social media, why not be apart of something that continues to lift mothers up exactly as they are. Mentally, physically, spiritually...it’s freeing to see someone that looks like you, or felt the same loss as you, or felt trauma along with a birth. This project is a piece of the light in this world and God knows we need more of that.