Lauren King (34 - she/her), Will (3), and Sawyer (12 mo)
Colorado {Virtual session. Captured via Zoom}
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Parenthood has given me a new relationship with my body, or at least the start of one. I have always struggled with my body image. When I was a teen I took diet pills, struggled with eating disorders, and over-exercised. Now I see that in many ways, that was how I was trying to exert control when I felt out of control and didn't have resources to cope.
During my first pregnancy, I struggled with my body image as I watched my body change. While each pregnancy was healthy, I had two difficult births. With my first son, I was diagnosed with preeclampsia at 37 weeks, which meant that my plan for an unmedicated birth at a birth center was no longer an option, as I would need to be induced at the hospital. My induction lasted for 41 hours and I needed an epidural to be able to rest. All was well, though, when I gave birth to my perfect baby.
2 years later, when I was 35 weeks pregnant with my second son, I had a placental abruption. Again, I had to change my birth plan and move my care from the birth center to the hospital for an induction.The labor and delivery went much faster the second time around and, with the help of my doula and my husband, I was able to deliver Sawyer unmedicated. I will never forget how my body took over the birthing process; as my baby descended, my body naturally pushed him out with no extra effort on my part. Thankfully, Sawyer didn’t need any interventions when he was born. However, I began to hemorrhage and needed a D&C to retrieve a retained piece of my placenta. Looking back, it was a potentially dangerous situation, but because I was so elated from my birth, I didn’t experience it as such.
Through both births, my body stayed strong to protect me and deliver two healthy babes. For that I will be eternally grateful. I have also found healing and empowerment through being able to breastfeed both of my children - we are still going strong! I know now that there is no space for negativity towards this body that has done so much for me. In becoming a parent, I've learned that I am so much more than my physical appearance, and that it is important to work towards enjoying and caring for the body that I have been given. Maybe more importantly, now that I am a parent, I want to share body positivity - or, at the very least, body neutrality- with my little ones so that they continue to be comfortable in their own skin. Watching my one year old wiggle his jiggly leg rolls and my muscular, wiry 3 year old bound around with endless energy, I desperately want them to continue delighting in themselves just the way they are, and I know it will be important for me to model that for them.
What was your postpartum experience?
Postpartum exploded the world that I knew and gave me space to learn to know, love, and heal myself. After my first son, Will, was born, I was thrown into a deep spiral of postpartum anxiety and depression, much of which was caused by extreme sleep deprivation. Will was jaundiced and lost a significant amount of weight in the beginning, and because of that I ended up triple feeding him - I would nurse him, give him a bottle of expressed milk, and then pump. To do all of those things, it took about an hour and a half, and this cycle had to happen every 3 hours. I did that for 2 weeks, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done physically or mentally. It almost broke me, and I started having intrusive thoughts. I thought that I had made a mistake and that I wasn't made to be a mother. I thought my partner was going to leave me since I didn't know what I was doing. I fantasized about running away. At my 6 week check up, my midwife suggested that I find a therapist, and I connected with an incredible therapist who specializes in pregnancy and the postpartum period. At our first session, I sat in her office and bawled my eyes out, sick with shame and guilt over being horrible at motherhood. Over the course of several months, she helped me develop a toolkit of coping mechanisms - including antidepressants - and I finally came out of the black cloud of postpartum depression and anxiety. It was incredible then to be able to enjoy being a mother and to revel in watching my son grow and develop, so much so that I decided to try it a second time! Postpartum with Sawyer has been shocking in a different way because, well...pandemic! I had created a strong postpartum plan with my therapist to put as much into place as possible to be supported during my second postpartum experience. Much of that was not able to happen since Sawyer was born just days before our state shut down. The first several months postpartum were difficult, because in addition to the social isolation from the pandemic, I was desperately sleep deprived and also caring full-time for my toddler while healing from birth and taking care of a newborn. The overwhelm of it all blended into postpartum depression a second time, but thankfully I was more equipped to manage it. Now, a year later, I finally am feeling better and more capable most days. Of course there are still many ups and downs, but I am working on creating space for myself and my boys and to be ok with imperfection.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
While my introduction to motherhood and then my introduction to motherhood-in-a-pandemic felt like a shock, it has ultimately led me on a healing journey to start to get to know myself, to notice my own light, and to lean on my people for support. I am still a work in progress, but I feel grateful to be on this path.
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
I had Sawyer 4 days before our state shut down due to COVID-19. He came 5 weeks early, and in many ways that was fantastic timing on his part! I was thankful to be able to have my doula and husband with me during delivery. The most impactful way that COVID-19 initially affected me was that the postpartum support plan I had developed to help the postpartum period feel more manageable - and to help me get ahead of PPD/A again - mostly went completely out the window. Beyond that, it has been hard to not be able to share his first year with family and friends. One set of grandparents has only met him once. On a more positive end, I have grown closer to my partner over this past year as we have both navigated parenting in a pandemic together while also both working. It has been an opportunity to get to know more of our own quirks and needs as a couple and as a family. It has been oddly nice - and occasionally infuriating - to slow down, have fewer commitments, and to be able to spend so much time together. Mostly, though, I need to take things one day at a time.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I decided to participate in this movement and share my story after following this project for the last several years. I was in complete awe of the participants who were so confident to share their stories and share their bodies with the world. When Sawyer turned one, I decided that it was time for me to celebrate my growth over the past three years and to share my experience too. I am also in complete admiration of how ash has captured such an incredible array of pregnancy, postpartum, and parenting experiences. I think that pregnancy, postpartum, and parenthood are complex and transformative but too often the physical changes and emotional struggles are hidden away or glossed over. I hope that by being a part of this movement I can help to share with others that, even if it doesn’t look how you expected it to, the transformation is magnificent.