Thereasa Bremer (33 - she/her). Elliott (6), Aurelia "Aurie" (4), Alex (2). You can view Thereasa’s original photo and story from 2014 here.
Minneapolis, MN
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I never struggled with my weight or body image while I was growing up but I have distinct memories of the adults in my life making negative comments about theirs. After having children I find myself not feeling as positive about my changed body. The difference is that I make darn sure that I don't say anything negative about it in front of my kiddos. My belly button never popped back in after the birth of my first child and I ended up with diastasis recti with my second and third children. Due to the pressure I received from my employer to return to work I never got the opportunity to heal properly after my second pregnancy and life got too busy to get PT to correct it properly.
Before having children I used to say that I would just have cosmetic surgery after I was done having kids. Now, despite the fact that I don't always feel great about what I see in the mirror, I could care less about "fixing" any of it. You can't fix what isn't broken. My body is perfect as it is in this moment and I want my children to grow up knowing that bodies change all the time, and that's okay!
My children constantly shift my frame of mind to a more positive image of my body: I don't have a fat tummy. Mommy has a soft tummy that they love making fart noises on. When I just don't feel like shaving, my children ask to feel my "tickley" armpits. Things that I grew up hearing and learning were negative or disgusting I now can relax around my own kiddos and teach them that their bodies are always perfect exactly as they are.
What was your postpartum experience?
Elliott's birth didn't go as I had hoped. It was a long labor, lasting 3 days. One unnecessary intervention after another led to the doctor scaring us into a cesarean. Obviously, I was grateful for my healthy, beautiful baby, but I was left feeling broken and convinced that my body was a lemon. Following that experience, I struggled mentally and physically. I am very fortunate to have such a loving and supportive partner in my life. Evan reminded me that I was strong and that I was doing a great job as mom. I couldn't have done it without him.
When I found out that I was pregnant with Aurie, I knew that I wanted to try for a VBAC. I spent a lot of time and energy preparing and educating myself. Aurie was born en caul, naturally on the Winter Solstice, less than an hour after getting to the hospital (and after less than 9 hours of labor). I was over the moon! My body had not failed me, and I felt like a rock star. Aurie's birth was absolutely magical. The aftermath however, was not. My physical recovery took significantly longer than I had expected. I was in a lot of pain but just assumed it was because I had pushed a baby out of my vagina. At my 6-week follow-up, it turned out that I had granular tissue. The midwife didn’t understand why would I let myself live in pain and not bring it up. I guess I just didn’t know any better; I thought that it was normal.
Although I had another successful, natural VBAC with Alex, his birth was nothing Aurie’s. I arrived at the hospital thinking I was close to delivering, but I was only 4 cm dilated. Alex was sunny side up, so I had horrible back labor and it took longer. My cervix had a lip which the midwife had to hold back while I pushed. They say that you forget the pain of child birth… with Alex it is still cemented in my mind and it made me never want to birth a child again.
Breastfeeding was about the only thing that I felt like I was in control of. It took 6 weeks for Elliott and I to get into a groove but we made it. I returned to my job as a law enforcement officer after 12 weeks of maternity leave. Being in law enforcement has its own unique challenges, but it is even more challenging to navigate when you are not a straight, white, conservative male. Despite the fact that Minnesota has laws protecting a nursing mother’s rights to take breaks to express milk, I found myself constantly having to defend those rights. I was forced to educate my partners and my supervisors. I would frequently go entire shifts without a pump break. At one point my supervisor pulled me into their office to inform me that I was spending too much time pumping and that my partners were complaining to command staff. I was able to advocate that I was being more than reasonable, citing state and federal statutes and the agency’s own policies, and tactfully reminded them that it is a supervisor’s job to understand these laws and policies well enough that this shouldn’t have been an issue in the first place. I was able to continue pumping for the entire 1st year of Elliott’s life while I was working, and that felt amazing.
After Aurie was born I returned to work before I was physically ready due to pressure from my supervisors. Once again, I was faced with ignorance about breastfeeding. I had a new supervisor who didn’t know there were laws protecting lactating parents’ right to express milk while working. He said he “didn’t think we have to allow you to do that.” Even after providing him with the information he needed I continued to be made to feel like I was doing something wrong. I discovered that I was being tracked on the map and followed by him and other supervisors. Despite knowing that I was not doing anything wrong, it took a huge toll on my mental health.
Around the same time, we were being encouraged by Elliott’s daycare teacher to have him evaluated for Autism. My whole world was starting to feel like it was spiraling out of control. I didn’t share with many people how badly I was struggling, but I finally decided to reach out for mental health support. It was just enough to take the edge off, but due to the sticker shock I stopped going after three months.
I resigned right before Elliott’s evaluation because I knew in my heart. Not only did I know that therapies for him would likely become a full-time job, but I also knew that I could not continue to function in a hostile working environment and still be present for my family. Although we had been planning on having at least one more child together, Evan and I had decided that it would probably be best to put off trying for another baby until we knew more about what Elliott’s needs would be. I found out the next day that I was pregnant with Alex. Life has a funny way of throwing curveballs when you least expect it.
I’ve been able to accept my body for what it is physically since my postpartum journey first started, but my mental health is much more of a struggle now. Staying home is a privilege, but it’s not always easy. I still struggle 3.5 years later trying to balance caring for my family and caring for myself. Alex just started preschool this year, so for the first time in over 6 years I feel like I will have an opportunity to focus on self-care while they’re all at school.
What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Knowledge is power. It can be really hard work, but if you educate yourself about your rights and your needs it makes such a difference in your ability to advocate for yourself and others. I think this is so important in all aspects of our lives:
I may not have been able to change the way I was being treated at work, but at least I was able to continue pumping with the confidence of knowing they couldn't fire me because of it. When I decided I was going to have a VBAC I educated myself so I knew how to give myself the best opportunity to achieve one. Having a child with an invisible disability I am constantly educating myself to be able to advocate for them until they are able to do it themselves.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
The 4th trimester never ends and is constantly changing. When I participated in July of 2014, my postpartum journey looked a whole lot different than it does currently. I have birthed two more children, my physical body has changed significantly, and my mental space has too. For me, now that my mental load is much greater than it was 5 years ago, I have less energy to worry about what my body looks like. My body just is what it is. I know it is capable of amazing things. I want to document this period when I am comfortable enough to live my life without caring so much about my physical appearance and am trying to spend more energy on just being a good human.