Mollie Barnathan

Mollie Barnathan (36 - she/her), Rose (5.5), Pearl (3.5), and Mae (14 mo)

Portland, ME

Mollie shares -

“My first pregnancy was 7 years ago. The 13-week ultrasound showed that the fetus had Turner's Syndrome and so we decided to terminate the pregnancy. A few months later we were thrilled to learn we were expecting twins! All the early genetic testing was normal, but the 20-week anatomy scan revealed that one of the girls had severe spina bifida. We "reduced" the pregnancy and our healthy daughter Rose was born in October 2014.

{You can read an OpEd Mollie wrote about this two years ago in opposition to the appointment of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court here. }

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Almost 6 years into motherhood I am at a point where I think my body is amazing. It grew and birthed and now cares for 3 humans. That power is beautiful. I am covered in physical scars from this mothering: a saggy belly covered in tiger stripe stretch marks, scratch marks from tiny finger nails, drooping breasts, flattened/expanded/callused feet, a pelvic floor that needs daily re-education. I work every day to find the beauty in some of these scars--that they are the result of extreme love and sacrifice and serve as reminders of how I have become who I am now. I have managed to shift my focus for the past couple of years (before and after being pregnant with Mae) to achieving strength and health in order to live life with as few limitation as possible and to be able to care for my family. I am not focused on being thinner/lighter, but rather comfortable in my body and healthy. I am trying to adjust my mind's eye to normal looking/curvy/larger women and how they dress themselves, how I can dress THIS body in a way that makes me feel good.

What was your postpartum experience?
Transformative. Rose and I struggled to breastfeed and I had postpartum depression. I woke up paralyzed with panic when she was 9 weeks old and called my mother in Boston and said you need to come up here I can’t take care of this baby. I became non-functional, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t get out of bed, I couldn’t stop crying, I was asking to be admitted to the hospital, I did not want to take care of my baby. I felt like I was out of my body. I started taking antidepressants, I increased how frequently I was seeing my therapist, I stopped breastfeeding, we hired a night nanny so I could sleep all night. I had terrifying thoughts killing myself and the baby, so we switched my meds. Our parents came in week long shifts to take care of us. After about 6 weeks I started to feel like my new self. We prepared very differently for the next 2 postpartum periods! I was on antidepressants from the moment of delivery, we had a night nanny every night for the first couple of months, I didn’t breastfeed. Postpartum was never easy, but it was less difficult each subsequent time. In going through this and talking with other parents I learned that the postpartum period is universally hard, even if there is nothing pathologic going on. It inspired me to become a postpartum doula. I am honored to walk through this period of time with new parents.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

The transformation to motherhood is powerful and complex. I can’t tell you when, but it will be OK! There is no one right way to do anything. All you are supposed to do for the first few weeks is watch TV and feed the baby. New motherhood requires an uncomfortable amount of surrender and relinquishing of control-particularly for women who are used being productive, organized and highly accomplished. “Let me fall if I must. The one I will become will catch me.” -Rabbi Baal Shem Tov

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19? 

I have been home all day every day with all 3 kids since mid-March. It has been very intense! Our nanny has continued to work with us the whole time, otherwise I could not have held it together. I am trying to appreciate the extra time and closeness that we have as a trade-off to the kids not being at preschool. My heart aches for all the pregnant and postpartum mothers as Covid19 has added such a serious layer of unknown and fear to what is a huge adjustment even under good circumstances.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

So many aspects of pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and parenting were surprises to me, I felt so uneducated despite thinking I had prepared. And once I started experiencing situations and challenges that were “normal” in this realm, I became motivated to talk openly and honestly about this time in life with other parents and with people who don’t yet have kids. It felt like a disservice to not have know that there is so much pain, difficulty, and growth wrapped up in the joy and miraculousness of having babies. I am not having any more children. I want to immortalize the achievement and power I feel right now at being on the other side of that period of my life.

Elizabeth Bechard

The wonderful Elizabeth Bechard, Emilia & Milo (8 months - fraternal twins)

Elizabeth says that her journey to motherhood felt really difficult the entire way. She miscarried when she was 27 which was devastating in many ways, and made her feel unworthy of motherhood for years. "I was barely recovered from an eating disorder at that time, and felt like my life was a huge mess". When she met her husband, who is 19 years older than her, a year later, she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to have kids at all, but they knew that if they were going to try they'd need to start soon after getting married.

They found out within about 6 months of trying that he had azoospermia, and spent the next 18 months trying to figure out (a) whether it was treatable, and (b) if not, what to do about that. They were told that his infertility could not be treated, and that the only options were donor sperm, embryo adoption, or traditional adoption. For a long time donor sperm was their last choice, but it ended up being the option they decided to go with after months of really struggling with the ethical implications of their options.

Elizabeth got pregnant with triplets on the 2nd round of IUI with donor sperm, and they were immediately offered the option of selective reduction. They had heard all 3 heartbeats by that point. "We were "lucky" in that the miscarriage of the 3rd baby happened before we had to make a decision about selective reduction, because I'm honestly not sure what we would have done" Elizabeth had hyperemesis for nearly 4 months of her pregnancy. Her water broke one day shy of 35 weeks. She had known all along that she wanted to deliver via cesarean. 12 hours after her water broke she still hadn't gone into labor, so by that point, a c-section was the obvious choice anyway. "I've had surgery many times and it wasn't scary to me at all: it was March 8th, International Women's Day, and the surgical team was entirely women. The c-section birth was by far the best and most empowering part of the whole process, and I'm really grateful for it". The babies spent 9 days in the NICU and did great, with no major complications - they're thriving and so healthy now.

"I've been following this project for years, before I even got pregnant! I wanted to share my story because I felt isolated through so much of my journey - like I was the only one I knew experiencing so much of what I experienced. If my story could make anyone else feel less alone, less isolated, it would be more than worth it to share".

Kristina Penhoet

The wonderful Kristina Penhoet with her twins Adrien and Evelyn (8 years old). Kristina had several first trimester losses before she conceived her children with the help of IVF. She wasn't responding well to the treatment so they almost didn't follow through, but were able to continue. She ended up having 4 embryos and asked if they could transfer them all, her doctor agreed to transfer three, saying that four would give him heart palpitations. All three embryos took but one of her triplets had markers for Down Syndrome. She and her husband decided that with three babies, having a child with special needs would be too much for them. They chose to have a selective reduction and terminate that baby. Kristina went on to have a healthy pregnancy by twin standards until she started to labor at 24 weeks. They were able to stop her labor but the next three weeks were difficult. At 27 weeks, she had contractions close together and had dilated to 3 cms. They spent 18 hours trying to stop labor, but ended up delivering via cesarean. Her daughter was born first and hearing her cry was very reassuring. When her son was born just a couple minutes later, he was quiet, everyone in the room was quiet and she became concerned. He eventually let out a little cry but she was only able to see him for a second before they took him to NICU. Evelyn came home after 9.5 weeks in NICU and Adrien joined them two weeks later. Kristina says that those two weeks were the most difficult as her heart was in two different places. She chose to quit her job and stay home so she could focus on her children. Both twins required early intervention services, and Adrien has had some eye issues but both twins are in good health today. Kristina says she's spent so much of her life trying to be perfect and she's ready to finally just be herself.