Samantha Kumar

Samantha Kumar (41), Linus (3), and Lakshmi (7 weeks)

Samantha is a previous project participant, you can view her original photo and story from 2017 here.

Greenwich, CT | Brooklyn, NY

Samantha shares -

“I've been pregnant six times. As stated in the first shoot, the first two losses were attributed to clotting. It was assumed the second two were due to poor egg quality and we pursued IVF. After three rounds of stimulation, we had one genetically perfect embryo. We implanted the embryo on August 19 and Lakshmi was born 37 weeks later. I had little to know anxiety the entire pregnancy--it was so different than when I was pregnant with Linus. My doctor said I was the highest risk patient in his entire practice, but I just knew she would be fine and that I would be fine. She is more than fine, she is perfection. I feel attune to her in a way I am still not with Linus and I think it is largely in part because I refused to doubt her or my ability to carry her.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

For what may be the first time in my life, I don't have any negative feelings about my body. I found a gym and trainer that I love and was in great shape prior to this pregnancy. I worked out aggressively until the week before I gave birth and even though I was, one again, bruised from daily Lovenox injections, I liked my body and enjoyed my growing belly. Lakshmi latched immediately after delivery and breastfeeding is going really well, so I do not mind my sore breasts, soft belly or extra padding on my back and arms. I know it has a purpose and that I can turn the soft into strength when I am ready.

What is your truth?

Be honest. Parenting is not easy. I refuse to sugar coat it when I talk to people, especially other parents of young children. Yes, I adore my children. Yes, I love them and derive immense joy and am glad they are here, healthy and mine. But they don't sleep enough and neither do I. Three year olds can be mean little terrors. I wore pants with pee on them out of the house the other day. I love my husband but I barely acknowledge him some days. I tell you these things for sympathy but also for solidarity. I will never pretend to have some perfect instagram worthy-life and neither should you. Celebrate the joys, but be honest about the challenges because we all need sympathy and more empathy.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I chose to participate again because my journey with Lakshmi was so very different than with Linus. After Linus, I wanted a place to pour my heart out and heal and being part of the movement did exactly that. I was finally able to let go some of the anxiety, sadness and fear and just enjoy Linus, which in turn allowed me to relax into and enjoy my journey with Lakshmi.

Additionally, being a part of the 4th Tri community has taught me more about motherhood than I could imagine and made me realize how absolutely privileged I am. I would like to use my privilege for the greater good and hope to become a postpartum doula or some form of pregnancy support person once things settle down with Lakshmi and Linus.

Janel Funk

The fabulous Janel Funk, mother to Zachary (3.5), Lydia and Josephine (11 months, identical twins).

Janel says that she dreamt of having a family of her own her whole life and always envisioned herself having three kids. When the time came, she conceived without complication but was immediately considered "high risk" since she had a history of a blood clot. She had to give herself painful, daily shots in the stomach to prevent further clotting during pregnancy and was monitored very closely. While her pregnancy was uncomfortable, it was a relatively uneventful up until about 36 weeks when she suddenly had intense itching and liver pain.

Janel was diagnosed with cholestasis of pregnancy, which affected her liver but fortunately not the baby's immediate health. Cholestasis does carry a risk of stillbirth, however, so they recommended she be induced by 37 weeks. At 37 weeks they began the induction, and after the third night with no progress, the doctor sent them home. "I felt defeated and discouraged, since every day the doctors and nurses would tell us "today is the day!" we'd be leaving with our baby." They spent the weekend at home and were readmitted Monday morning to begin the induction process again. Janel's water broke that evening, and she labored for the next 21 hours. After wanting to experience natural childbirth, the induction process was exhausting and after laboring for over ten hours, she chose to get an epidural.

As soon as Zachary was born, they whisked him away to be examined, leaving Janel without the immediate skin-to-skin bonding she'd envisioned. Breast feeding in the beginning caused toe-curling pain, even though everyone said it shouldn't hurt. Her doula eventually noticed her son had a tongue-tie, and when they got it clipped a week later, nursing improved immediately and she was able to breastfeed him for 22 months.

Janel knew any subsequent pregnancies would be high risk, as well, given her history. She says that she joked with her husband that she wanted "two pregnancies, three babies" and that the first would be a singleton, and the second twins. "Now, looking back, I see that they really are a wish come true". They found out she was carrying twins at the 8 week ultrasound, and while shocked, surprised, and scared, she felt so lucky that she'd get to have the three kids she always imagined.

Janel again gave herself daily injections to prevent blood clots, and saw her doctor almost weekly due to the increased risks that come with carrying identical twins. Things were going well until 18 weeks when the doctor told her, "Everything has been perfect. Until now." She learned her daughters had the early stages of Twin to Twin Transfusion (TTTS). They knew very little about TTTS except that it can progress quickly and agreed to do anything needed to help keep their babies safe. Janel transferred care to the top high risk OB in Boston who specialized in multiples and were followed closely. "Each week I felt like I was holding my breath until I got to see my girls growing and progressing on the ultrasound screen". Cholestasis set in again at 24 weeks and the medication made Janel feel a constant state of sickness. She says that she was consumed by the pregnancy and her fears but each week that passed felt like a milestone - getting past the point of "viability," and then to 30 weeks, 32 weeks, and ultimately to 36 weeks when she was induced. Thankfully, her daughter's TTTS never progressed past stage two. 

Baby A was head down so her doctor had discussed her ability to birth vaginally and Janel was excited to try. She says that her induction felt very similar to her son's with slow responses to a foley catheter, pitocin, and rupturing her waters.  After two days in hospital things picked up and she dilated to 9cms but as she prepared to push baby A's heart rate spiked dangerously high and she was prepped for an emergency cesarean.  

"My girls were born perfectly healthy and we were able to nurse soon after they were born, but I again missed out on the instant skin-to-skin contact and connection I hoped for. When I found out we were having twins, I worried I wouldn't have the same breast feeding bond I got to have with my son, but I've been tandem nursing my girls for 11 months and don't plan on stopping anytime soon!"

Janel's recovery has been difficult and she is still dealing with pain and discomfort 11 months postpartum.  "I'm grateful every day that my three babies were born healthy, but I have a lot of resentment over both of my pregnancies and the birth experience of my twins. I never got to experience a "normal" pregnancy or delivery. It's hard for me to hear about others' totally uneventful, joyful childbirth and pregnancy experiences and not know what that's like."

Soon after her daughters were born, Janel developed significant stomach and digestive issues, as well as, hypothyroidism and had two bouts of mastitis. As someone who prides herself on taking care of her health, she says that these were a blow to her ego, and she's still working on healing her body. 

Janel found comfort in the stories and experiences shared in this movement and was eager to share her own.  "I am working towards accepting my body for the amazing work it did growing three humans, instead of resenting it for all of the complications I've experienced over the past four years related to pregnancy. I also look forward to sharing this image and my story with my daughters as they get older as a way to instill body confidence in them. I want them to grow up being proud of their bodies and all they are capable of, and know that starts with me."

Jenna Edwards

The stunning Jenna Edwards, mother to Greyson Lewis (still born at 34 weeks, 09/30/14) and currently 24 weeks pregnant with her rainbow baby boy.

Jenna and her husband will have been together for 10 year this spring. They dated, graduated college, got married and about a year later decided to perhaps not try to start trying to have a baby. They were surprised to conceive just two months later. Jenna says that early in her pregnancy she had a feeling that something wasn't quite right but pushed it away as new mother nerves. She was seeing the OB that had been her mother's doctor and found that her concerns were always just pushed away. Aside from her worry things were going well. She wasn't ill at all and Greyson was growing. 

There was a spell in her second trimester that Jenna really started to settle into things. She was feeling her baby move and though a cord accident or complication still nagged the back of her mind, found herself able to enjoy things. The week of her baby shower she realized that her son was moving much differently. There was an evening she stayed up late with her best friend and felt a flurry of hiccup activity. The following days she felt movement but they were more like push outs than the kicks she'd been feeling before. Everyone told her that it was likely just that he was getting bigger and didn't have a lot of room left to move. She called her doctor who told her it was again just normal but that if she wanted to come into the hospital she could. She pushed her fears away and tried to enjoy her baby shower knowing that she could place her focus elsewhere. 

Jenna continued to feel pushing movements throughout the following day and on Monday decided to go into the doctor for a check. Her best friend accompanied her and from the first moment she just knew, the nurse practitioner couldn't find a heart beat but chalked it up to inexperience so she called in another nurse and ultimately the doctor. There weren't any ultrasound tech's in that day so her doctor walked her down the hall to a room where she could preform the ultrasound herself. Jenna says that walking down that hall felt like walking the plank - she knew just what was coming. As she had suspected, her doctor told her she was sorry, there was no heart beat and sent her home to process things. 

Even though Jenna's intuition had already led her to suspect what was happening she was so overwhelmed with emotion she says she couldn't even cry for hours. She was faced with calling and telling her husband, her mother, the rest of her family and though the doctors bedside manner could have been better was grateful she had the time to process with her friends and family before delivering. She wasn't ready to say goodbye to Greyson just yet and enjoyed that last evening of togetherness. 

Jenna and her family headed to the hospital the following morning at 5am for her induction. She had a room full of family and her best friend as things began. Her body took to the cytotec and she progressed to 5cms before her doctor convinced her to go ahead and get an epidural. Jenna says that in hindsight she felt that because her body had caused this to happen she needed to feel the pain. After all that she'd been through the labor and delivery felt too easy. There came a point that though very supported, she was overwhelmed by all the people in her room and asked everyone but her husband and mom to leave for the delivery. Her nurses were very sensitive to her needs and per her wishes, took Greyson and cleaned him up before bringing him to her. Because they hadn't know exactly when he had passed she was nervous to see him right away. They were able to spend the day as a family with their son and her best friend took beautiful pictures to remember him by. 

After Greyson was born, Jenna tried to settle into motherhood without a baby in her arms. She went through a very difficult time and found that a week later her body resumed it's previous state. She felt betrayed that in her eyes it had done this to her and then left her with nothing to show for it. In the months that followed she searched for answers. Initial pathology was not able to give her an explanation for why he had died which fed into her fears of it happening again. She found a new care provider who did a lot of testing and learned that she had a MTHFR mutation that lead to her being unable to properly process synthetic folic acids and gave her a propensity to develop blood clots. Her new doctor consulted with her pathologist and learned that her placenta did have clots present. They now believe that this may have contributed to Greyson's death and that he was likely nutrient restricted and held on until he just couldn't hold any more.

This pregnancy has been full of anxiety but Jenna feels she's in capable hands. She's on blood thinners to prevent clotting and has had a lot of additional scans and screening. So far this baby is doing great and now that she's reached viability she has been able to relax a bit. She's going to be induced at 37 weeks and says that at this point she is less concerned about when her baby arrives or how, simply that he gets earth side safely.

After losing her son, Jenna, has become an entirely new person. She spent a long time looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person behind her eyes. While her story is one that many view as sad, her life is better because her son was in it. His pregnancy was joyful, being his mother is joyful. She wants to celebrate his life and her joy as she prepares to also welcome his little brother.