Liberty Pfeil

Liberty Pfeil (29 - she/her) and Leyawiin (3)

Austin, TX {Virtual session captured via CLOS}

Liberty is a repeat participant. You can view her previous image and story in our archives.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I hate that my stretch marks are asymmetrical, and sometimes I miss my pre-baby breasts. But my body is a goddess, and I have been home to a wonderful little human. We are nursing strong at 3 years and 2 months and there's a power there that you can't describe. My child loves my soft body; what else really matters?

What was your postpartum experience?

Postpartum, while far from 'easy', was easy for ME. I had 3 partners (I am polyamorous), a partners partner, a midwife, and a lactation consultant all in my corner. I was able to rest, bond, shower, eat, and everything new parents SHOULD have. I know that's a privilege, and fully affected my appreciation of how much care and love I received.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

I am soft and strong and everything in-between. I am not my mother, and I'm reminded of that every time my child calls my name and smiles at me. This is hard, and beautiful, and it being hard doesn't mean you're bad at it.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

Covid quarantine made some parents of parenting easier, and others harder. My partner, Robert, that never raised children of his own, has been a fantastic father and we are hoping for a child of our own. My ex husband and I got divorced at the beginning of 2021, because of many many things, covid being one of them. We split before we could no longer be in the same room, for Leyas sake. It has been a roller coaster, but a good one.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I am taking back some independence I lost in my marriage. I am celebrating 3 years of nursing my little one and the start of a new me.

Kristi Wagley Richard

Kristi Wagley Richard (36 - she/her), Ellison (4.5), Nolan (2). You can view Kristi’s original photo and story from 2015 here.

Baton Rouge, LA

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

I think I've always had a decent relationship with my body. Of course, there were always things that I would change if I could snap my fingers, but it never disturbed me enough to diet or exercise. However, I actually loved my body when I was pregnant. I had never felt more confident or sexy than in the third trimester of each pregnancy. What I was not expecting was me relationship with my body after pregnancy, especially the first. Ellison's pregnancy was unexpected, and took a toll on me mentally.

For some reason, I expected my postpartum body to help me connect with this new baby that I was unsure about. There'd be stretch marks, I'd not lose the baby weight, things would have shifted, etc. Only, none of that happened. I didn't have stretch marks, I weighed less than I did before pregnant, and breastfeeding was rough, so I pumped for several months. Strangely, I felt my body had betrayed me by not looking like I had a baby. Crazy, right?

In my postpartum fogged mind, it further disconnected me from the baby for a long time. Crazy, right? With Nolan, all those things happened - stretch marks, increased weight, things shifting everywhere....but it made me no more connected to the baby that time either. I have struggled with accepting this new body more than I anticipated. In the past few months, I have become more cognizant about feeling my best - being mindful of foods (not in a can't eat carbs diet way, as much of a I don't really need 2 cokes and reese's every day, do I?) and trying to be active with my kids, instead of spending hours at the gym. It's not about losing weight for me, it's about physically and mentally having more energy for me, while being very aware of never criticizing my or anyone else's body or talking about diets, etc. since 2 and 4 years old eyes and ears are always on me. I'm still a work in progress.

What was your postpartum experience?

Ellison was an unexpected pregnancy. After being together for 18 years and married for 12, my husband and I had somewhat thought we'd likely not have kids. The reality of having a kid hit me very hard. I struggled with connecting with Ellison, which was compounded by the fact that we were unable to breastfeed. I exclusively pumped for several months, which took a huge toll on me mentally. I struggled with the fact that if you didn't necessarily want a baby, having one didn't change that fact. Especially when everyone told me it would be "different when its your own kid."

After a year and a half, my husband and I both decided that we didn't want Ellison to be an only child and that we wanted another child. No one was more surprised by this than me. One month of trying and we were pregnant. Mentally, this pregnancy was easier, but physically it was much harder, especially chasing after a 2 year old. Having a second child slapped me in my face. Surely since this child was "planned" I'd have an instant connect, right? Nope.

When we also had trouble breastfeeding, my husband and I mutually decided that we were going the formula route and I wasn't going to pump. From my husband's perspective, he didn't want to see me going into such a dark place pumping again. This was not a decision I made lightly, and I agonized over it, but I agreed with him. Unfortunately the darkness came from me feeling that my body had failed me once again. I also didn't feel like I had any kind of mom instinct. I hated maternity leave, I couldn't wait to get back to work, being with the kids alone for any extended period gave - and still gives me - anxiety. Two years later, and through some counseling, I know I had and still have some postpartum depression. Acknowledging and treating that has helped me to connect with my kids a little more..still with a long ways to go.

What is your truth? 

It's okay not to be okay. Acknowledge it and ask for help.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I participated previously in 2015 just after Ellison was born. It was helpful to open up about my postpartum struggle and body issues, and for me to start telling other people - my husband in particular - that I was not ok. I wanted to participate again since having another child. Both times, I hope someone might read my story and find it relatable.

Anita Smithson

Anita Smithson (35 - she/her), Jack (7), Ava (5), and Will (1). You can view Anita’s original images from 2018 and 2016.

Minneapolis, MN

“I experienced one miscarriage in 2011. Jack was conceived within days of my estimated due date with my miscarried baby. My miscarriage was “ordinary”, early, and relatively easy from the physical aspects of it. It’s strange/lovely to me that Jack was conceived basically on my due date - had I carried that baby to term, I wouldn’t know Jack and it’s hard to imagine life without Jack. So - it was sad, but it also brought me a different baby to love eventually which makes the rainbow baby sweeter.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Parenthood has made me care so much less about what others think or judge about my body. It has made me a little bit more confident outwardly. But mostly, it’s made me more comfortable in who I am. That doesn’t always translate to confidence on the outside - but it does make me feel comfortable choosing clothing that feels good on my body, and being fully in my own body. Pregnancy, and giving birth, has made me appreciate my body more than previously. Strength that I did not know that I had. Our bodies are amazing.

What is your truth? 

The more I have grown in myself, and learned to love myself - the more I trust my intuition. not just on what feels good and balanced/correct within my body and the abilities of my body - but also in my mind. Loving myself fully has allowed me to trust myself fully, which has made me a stronger, more courageous person.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

My last baby, William, just turned one. I am reflecting on his birth and our postpartum period. Last time I was with Ash in this space, I was thinking about having the delivery experience that I wanted. I didn’t get the entire experience that I thought I wanted (wanted a birth center delivery with a midwife; had a hospital induction 15 days overdue with a midwife but I did get my VBAC and had a very empowered delivery) but I am grateful for the birth education we participated in this time which helped me prioritize and find my footing in what was were my priorities and how to find those things no matter what circumstances put us in. My delivery of Will was an induction, starting at 42w with a Foley catheter. The next morning, it was removed and I was 5 cm but posterior. My midwife gave us the morning to go get breakfast, get a shower, and have a late morning pitocin induction. I was able to rest from about 10 am to 1 pm, when we called our Doula to have her come. By 1:30, I was in active labor and found myself retreating to my “cave” - a dark bathroom.

I had my husband and Doula run their hands lightly down my back while putting ice cold soaking wet towels on my back for each contraction. I hate being cold - so that I wanted this was so strange to me but it felt so wonderful and helped me stay cool through the very intense labor. By about 3:15, I had the urge to start pushing. My team was amazing, and I was able to push at the end of the bed in a squat, and then eventually moved to my side in bed to help Will turn. Delivering my VBAC baby was the most intense experience of my life. Physically, and emotionally. Will was born at 3:59 pm and was immediately brought to my chest. During labor I was focusing on growling low tones to help my body stay loose and it was like the opposite just burst out of me with his birth. I cried out “MY BABY! I DID IT! MY BABY!!” And then as soon as he started crying my body let out the remaining stress.

Having a provider that was using evidence based care, a Doula that was knowledgeable with VBAC and that I felt so comfortable with, having taken independent birthing education with my husband so he felt empowered and educated, and having a nurse who was comfortable with the birthing experience and able to assist our Doula and midwife in coaching me into good positioning and keeping my voice low were keys pieces to making it work.

Postpartum was really hard, though. I lost a decent amount of blood, and was very shaky. I was unable to stand up on my own for at least 12 hours after delivery and that was scary. I had horrible headaches, and all the staff at the hospital knew to do was test me for eclampsia - which I did not indicate as having. It’s was eventually my chiropractor who suggested I have my iron level tested, and I was very anemic. Getting on a good iron supplement made a huge difference in my well being but I only wish it had happened sooner. More impactful, though - was about 12 hours after Will’s birth - he started ‘throwing up’ and was having a hard time breathing. The special care nursery was full, so Will was rushed to the NICU and we had a cascade of “worst case scenarios” thrown at us, including me being told I couldn’t hold him or nurse him. We had 20-22 hours of doom and gloom - everything from suspecting a perforated bowel, to a life threatening blood infection. The NICU lactation consultant was our voice of reason, but not our primary provider. She asked how fast labor happened (fast) and said that the “vomit” looked more like amniotic fluid mixed with colostrum. She suspected he had “water in the lungs” and in his tummy because things progressed so quickly that he didn’t get enough good squeezes and that he swallowed fluid on his way out (my water didn’t break until I started pushing).

She pushed to get the NICU doctor to let him breastfeed after they completed the X-ray and MRI to confirm he didn’t have a perforated bowel. We still had to wait a minimum of 48 hours, but protocol said 72 hours, to ensure there was not a life threatening blood infection. Thankfully, there wasn’t and we did get to go home at 4 days old. The NICU restrictions for my otherwise healthy baby, were really difficult. I wasn’t allowed to hold him, and while I would have preferred to nurse him and let him linger at the breast as long as he wanted - they “needed” him back in the crib. I’m so thankful they were able to provide such great care and I know the NICU is life or death for so many families - but I would have liked to see more individualized care because the mandatory times, tests, and protocols were very difficult for an otherwise healthy baby. This took a huge toll on my emotional wellbeing. We couldn’t have visitors, I couldn’t hold my baby, I didn’t have a recovery area in his room so I spent a lot of time going back and forth while trying to manage my own recovery and care for him. And then the IV sugars and fluids he received required extra tests and requirements about how much milk my days old baby should be taking and demands to supplement with formula before they would let us leave and it was all so much to handle.

My postpartum period for those first few weeks left me with a lot of dark feelings, fears, loneliness, and so much crying. I didn’t know what I needed to feel supported and well, but we had spent so much time preparing for a VBAC that we didn’t know what to do postpartum and I wish we had been more prepared. The postpartum period was hard on both my husband and I as parents, and also on our bigger kids. We all had a difficult time adjusting, and I just wish I had known how to make that easier.

——

My doula was such a valued member of our team. I wish that they were available to everyone, but especially birthing people who are most at risk of birth complications (because of systemic racism, because of other factors, etc), who have more “difficult’ births (like my VBAC, which many hospitals would consider difficult), or really - everyone. Our doula - Alicia - made a tremendous difference and helped my husband almost as much as she helped me. He was able to stay focused on what I needed, and when I veered out of my zone she helped guide me back into focus. She knew how to help get me into positions favorable to getting Will to move down. I really think that I was so lucky to have the best team on board for me. I also had an amazing nurse - Jenny was a midwife in South Africa and the UK, and is now a nurse at the hospital where Will was delivered. Her experience was so important in helping me achieve the VBAC. She helped guide me, and trusted my body. (For my first delivery, my nurse was the least helpful person in the room. Much of her advice was now what I know was the opposite of what I should have been doing to move Jack into a good position. And it was Jack’s delivery which set me up for a cesarean with my middle child Ava and my midwife team. They were so much better to me as a patient that the OB group I used with Jack and Ava. They informed me and helped me get all I needed to make a decision. They told me what they would choose and why, but that I could also do B for x reasons, or C for y reasons. They were the epitome of personalized care. And they never let me to believe that they doubted me one bit. The “truth” I shared in an earlier question about intuition. Trust your intuition about your care team. I wish I had trusted myself when I had fears with Ava’s pregnancy about my care team. I shoved those fears down when I should have listened.

Each of my deliveries were different experiences all together. Jack, a tv-style hospital delivery with an OB, plus shoulder dystocia and an unsupported and abandoned breastfeeding journey. Ava, a scheduled cesarean because my OB told me we’d be risking our lives if we tried a vaginal delivery and an amazing breastfeeding relationship (26 months) that came relatively easily with awesome weight gain. Will, an empowering VBAC, scary NICU stay, and still going strong with breastfeeding at a year but a much slower weight gain despite him being my biggest baby at birth (he’s now the smallest of the three were at a year old!) All three kiddos look very much like OUR CHILDREN but are such different infant experiences. It just goes to show that you think you know how to do this but each baby is different. It’s comfortable, yet new, and it’s confusing at times. But it’s really lovely and I am so glad that our family is complete.

Stephanie Weinberg

Stephanie Weinberg (36), Erin (7), Dean (5), and Alex (1). You can view Stephanie’s original image and story from 2018 here.

Bethesda, MD | Washington, DC

“I'm incredibly fortunate to have had an easy time getting and staying pregnant! The biggest struggle I faced during my pregnancies were the incredibly overwhelming (but, eventually managed) feelings of depression and anxiety. I felt solely responsible for this precious, innocent baby growing inside and felt it would be my fault if anything happened. Before getting professional help and eventually getting on anti-anxiety medicine, I couldn't even get in the car to drive to the grocery store because of panic attacks.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Before parenthood, my definition of body image would have been solely focused on physical fitness and fitting into a certain size. Now a parent 3x over AND being over 35, I find my body image changing to be more kind to myself. I'm still working on believing that my clothing size doesn't define me because, the fact is, clothes fit differently now and I will always be "postpartum".

What was your postpartum experience?

For any new mama out there, IT GETS EASIER. I want to SHOUT THAT FROM THE ROOF TOPS!!! After my first daughter, I really struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety. She was just such a bombshell into our world, though she was planned and wanted very much! Breastfeeding was hard, and I was trying to keep up appearances like "everything's fine..." But it certainly wasn't!! With my second child, breastfeeding was much easier, I was already seeing a therapist, and I was already on medication so postpartum was so much easier! While sleep deprivation is a real bitch no matter how many times you go through it, I had more confidence in myself as a mother. And it was wonderful to truly know that each phase is HARD and each phase PASSES and each phase is wonderful in its own way. I was really happy to enjoy it. And now with my third child, I'm gaining some sense of peace. Because there is a 4 year gap between #2 and #3, I feel that I can really enjoy and appreciate his baby-ness. I'm reveling in each phase because I know it will be our last. And I feel very blessed with the family that we have.

What is your truth?

I wish someone told me "This may be everything you ever dreamed of, but it's still going to be really fucking hard. And that's ok. You're still a great mom."

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I'm here because we need to grow our supportive community - the community that doesn't give a shit what you do for a living, or what you look like, or how you choose to spend your life. The only thing that matters is that you love, you treat others with respect, and you're honest. Community is so important and, if you don't have it with your traditional family, there is a whole lot of us 'other families' that will love and support you.

Amy Middleton

I got to visit with Amy again yesterday exactly two weeks post op.

“Surgery went smoothly and recovery so far is not as bad as I expected. I did almost pass out when the doc removed the bandages the morning after surgery and I got my first look. My scars were longer than I thought they would be, going all the way into my armpits.

The worst part was the drains! I knew I would have them, but I had no idea how long they would be, they went from the middle of my ribs, up over the top of the chest and into each armpit. And the fluid they collected had to be emptied, measured, and recorded twice a day.

I was released from the hospital about 21 hours after surgery.

On day 3, I was determined to attend a Friendsgiving celebration, even though we didn't stay late. By day 6, I was healing well enough to get my drains out, when most people need them in for 10-14 days. Removal was INTENSE, and didn't really change my discomfort level. The space they had occupied was still so sore.

I went home and showered with my husband and had a cry. Part of it was physical pain, but there was also mourning. I am confident I made the right choice, but it was still hard to see.

On day 10, I turned a corner and started to feel like me again. I could lift my arms over shoulder height and put on pull-over shirts! On day 13, I got a massage and had my stitches and staples removed. And on day 14, I got to see the wonderful Ash and document this step in my journey. This has been one hell of a year, and I am hoping the only drama I see in 2020 is an impeachment trial!!”

You can read Amy’s full story here.

Rachael Croston

Rachael Croston (42 - she/her), Lilah (10), Dru (4), and Celia (21 months)

You can view Rachael’s previous photo and story from 2018 here.

South Carolina | Atlanta, GA

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I absolutely am amazed by the process of growing humans and giving birth to them. I had three unmedicated water births, and I feel like I won the lottery as far as that experience goes. Especially since baby three was conceived a couple of months after my 40th birthday. Nursing was so easy with my first compared to babies 2 and 3, who both had tongue and lip ties that impeded nursing. With my second child, his lip and tongue ties were so severe that he struggled to gain weight, and I was exhausted from his nursing day and night to keep from starving. I felt - and still feel - like I failed him. I was so exhausted after his birth from trying to keep up with his inability to eat efficiently, plus battling a now obvious bladder prolapse, that I never really got back any semblance of my “first baby bounceback.” After baby three, 21 months later I still don’t recognize myself and although I am proud of what I’ve done, i wish I didn’t hate the way I look now. Parenthood is forcing me to adjust my expectations for my physical appearance, and I think I just wish I felt healthy, but with anxiety every other small health issue turns into a big thing in my mind.

What was your postpartum experience?

I adjusted very poorly the first six months after all three births just due to the lack of sleep I received and how extremely irritable it makes me to be tired. I thought I understood that I would be tired and as a night owl, figured I could handle it, but I was wrong. I loved my babies so much I would just stare and marvel at them during the day, but then after being awakened what feels like 90 times a night I would be irritable and grouchy and short tempered with everyone within earshot.

My most tuned weapon is unkind words, and I am sorry by how deftly I handed them out. Let’s just say I’ve spent a lot of time asking for forgiveness once sleep was had and a cooler head prevailed. I feel very fortunate to have a husband who truly acts as a partner and takes everything he can off my plate when it gets too full. I have a six year gap between children 1 and 2, and I feel that gap plus his nursing problems made that experience especially difficult for me, because I simply had forgotten how awful those long nights can be. It was slightly better when number 3 came along almost three years after 2, because I had not forgotten and was a little more mentally fortified. I still lost my mind, but we knew how to deal with it.

What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

There is no perfect way to parent. All the books, videos, seminars, and classes in the world can only give you some tools that worked for some kids at some time, but there is no guarantee that they will work for yours and if they don’t, that’s ok. People waste so much energy trying to do things “the right way” when really I think the best thing is to be open to trying different things and even making up your own thing. I thought I was an expert in child behavior after my oldest was born and lo and behold, my middle child responds to me zero percent in the same manner. And the baby is somewhere between the two older ones. It’s a continuous, exhausting learning process.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

Because I love how inclusive this project is and how accepting it is of the “imperfect.” Or rather how everything is perfect because there is no expected ideal. There are just all these amazing people who have all done amazing things in their own way. I want my children to see how amazing birthing bodies are, and have a visual reminder of me and them in this time and space. I want them to know that parenthood is hard and I would never not choose them over and over again despite that. And I hope it can convince me to love what I have and not focus solely on the flaws.

Barbara Valente

Barbara R Valente (49). Mother to Rebecca (14), and Jonathan (12). This is Barbara’s 4th time participating in the project. You can view her images and stories here.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Over the years I have had many different responses to this question. They range from feeling like a motel to a milk machine to a goddess giver of life to full acceptance. Currently with older children, I feeling my body is mostly mine again. How it looks and how it feels in my skin is more a result of my actions than child birth.

What is your truth?

You are perfect... no matter what your partner or your healthcare provider or your mom or your friends or your sleep deprived brain tells you.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

This is the 4th time I have participated and am doing so for my self. In October 2018 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and in November 2018 I had a double mastectomy with reconstruction using the muscles from my back. It was a long surgery and I was in the hospital for 3.5 days. Thanks to my family, friends, and dedicated partner I never lacked love, support, or acceptance. I have never in my life felt more held by those around, especially my closed friends who have been there so fully.

But this journey has not been without emotional and physical ramifications. It was hard knowing the breast that fed my kids for 15 months each were trying to kill me and needed to be amputated. It was also hard losing them as they were an important part of intimacy with my partner. Immediately post-surgery my new breasts looked beautiful, but quickly I was diagnosed with necrotic skin and subsequently had 40 Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy sessions and a second surgery for skin grafting. My new reality is I have a body that tried to kill me, breasts that are less that perfect, muscles that have been rearranged so I don’t move like I did before and due to medications and poor self care am heavier than I would like.

To be clear... I was so lucky. I had what I call “easy cancer.” My genetic tests all came back negative, my lymph nodes were all clear, the latissimus dorsi flaps the created my new breast were heathy, and the skin death was simply cosmetic. Also, I did not need radiation and my oncotype score was 13 so I did not need chemo. I am currently in forced menopause due to the fact my cancer was hormone reactive. I will either continue to manage my menopause with monthly injections for 5 years or have my ovaries removed and also take a daily aromatase inhibitor for 10 years... all to protect me against reoccurrence.

Currently I have no evidence of disease and am considered cancer free. I am a survivor but have a hard time wrapping my brain around this. So for this sessions I have left the kids at home and am using these pictures to take back my power... from the pain of my changed body and from cancer in general.

Truth be told, there is nobody I would rather photograph my new breast and mark this moment of body acceptance than ash. I am nervous to face the camera and I am scared to see my image. But this needs to be done... I need to heal.

Amy Middleton

Amy Middleton (37 - they/them), parent to Kaia (11), Soleil (9), Leo (4), and "Baby bird" lost at 9wks in Jan 2018

You can view Amy’s photos from 2014 here and 2015 here

Chicago, IL

“In October of 2017, we decided to give it one month to try to have another baby. That month passed without success, so we agreed we were done. Of course, we got pregnant the following month! We had mixed feelings, but were ultimately excited to add to our family.

However, whenever we would talk about it with Leo (2) he told us "no baby". At 9 weeks, while playing with Leo at the library, I started bleeding. I texted my doula/friend and my husband. Bleeding continued so my husband left work and came home. Our friend came over to watch our children and Ben and I went to the hospital where it was confirmed I was miscarrying. The following days were some of the hardest of my life. The pains, the blood, the well-meaning but overwhelming barrage of calls and texts from friends and family.

Ultimately, I passed two fairly large blood clots, one with a small heart-shaped hole in it. I couldn't bring myself to dispose of them, and placed them in a plastic bag in the freezer. When baby's due date came around, we buried those clots under a new lilac bush in the front yard. The bush has yet to flower.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Parenthood has just cemented the idea that I should appreciate my body for what it can DO, not for what it looks like.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I participated to celebrate my freedom after divorce, to celebrate finding a new love and having another baby, and now I'm celebrating my boobs! Earlier this year, I learned through DNA testing that I had been lied to for 36 years about who my father was, and that I was actually a product of donor conception.

I learned that I was half-Jewish, and since Ashkenazi Jews are at high risk for certain medical conditions, I decided to have further genetic testing done and learned that I carried a BRCA2 mutation. BRCA "mutants" are at higher risk for several cancers, most notably breast and ovarian. I then faced some hard decisions about whether to monitor those with frequent testing, or choose prophylactic surgeries.

Choosing oophorectomy was a no-brainer, as that cancer is usually not found until it is at a late stage. I had my ovaries and Fallopian tubes removed this past August. Choosing what to do in regards to my breasts was a bit harder. Family history plays an important part in that decision, but despite several attempts to contact my donor and his family, I had no knowledge in that area. I also have dense breasts, which can make testing a bit more complicated. So, I decided I would have a bilateral mastectomy, and am going flat. I did not want the possible complications or revisions that are associated with breast reconstruction. So, this photo shoot is a way of saying goodbye to my boobs, after nursing 3 kids, for over 7.5 years. Thanks for the mammaries!”

Anna Schwartz

Anna Schwartz (32 - she/her) and Eloise (5). View Anna’s original image from 2018 here.

Buffalo, NY

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

Parenthood has mostly been a positive thing for my body image. Prior to having my daughter, I wasn't very connected to my body--for lots of different reasons--but it just wasn't on my radar most of the time. And when it was, I mostly felt shame.. Which is really sad when I think about it. Since having her and becoming more "enlightened" around a lot of areas--my sexuality, my physical health, my spirituality--I now feel strongly that it is important to cultivate a relationship with your body in which you respect and listen to the messages its constantly sending you and give it what it needs. I try to encourage that for my daughter's relationship with her body as well. It’s hard some days though. The other day, she made a comment about how she is getting "chubby" and I just about cried. Later during bedtime, I realized the book we were reading from when I was a kid used the word "chubby" and it made a lot more sense. We had a good discussion about whats important when it comes to the health of our bodies.

What was your postpartum experience?

I wish I could go back and record more of how I felt because honestly it was such a blur I don't remember very many specifics. I don't think I knew myself as well as I do now, so it almost feels like it happened to another person. I would do things differently now. I would be more mindful, kind to myself, slow down and try to feel less pressure to achieve certain things each day. I remember vividly experiencing a little moment of panic when Eloise fell asleep for naps because I would have a list of maybe 10 things I hoped to get done in that time, when realistically all I could do was shower--if that. I wished I would have just breathed more. Sat more. Taken more in.

What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Definitely slow down and take it all in. Thats hard to do when you're stressed and crunched for time, but seriously. In 5 years, you're not going to care if the laundry was done. You'll remember the time you spent gazing at your baby in the backyard when there was a slight warm breeze and the sun was just so. It'll all get done when it gets done.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

When I participated last year, it was just before I was to have surgery to get a catheter placed in my abdomen in order to start dialysis for kidney failure. That seems like years ago and I feel like I was a completely different person back then. I was terrified to have that surgery and start dialysis. It was the ultimate sign of defeat. No longer would my body be able to keep me alive. I would need to rely on a machine. As it turns out, relying on a machine hasn't been too bad. I call her Felicia. I look forward to the day I get the call for a kidney and I can say "BYE FELICIA!" But until then, she gives me energy, hope, a sense of renewal each night. We work together.

I wanted to participate in this project again with my daughter because I want her to be proud of her body, her soul, her whole being, no matter what life throws her. It’s about acceptance and pride for the hand we are dealt. We can't exchange the cards we are given, but we can work hard as hell to make the most of what we've got. For 5 generations, my father's side of the family has been decimated by a rare genetic mutation causing kidney failure. Generation after generation we have shown resiliency and exuberance in the face of incredible loss and trauma. By becoming allies with our bodies, listening to them, trusting them, and giving them what they need to grow--not only physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually--we can change how we experience hardship and how we experience being human.

Hallie Cohen

Hallie Cohen (27 - she/her), Micah (3), and Naomi (1). View Hallie’s previous photos and story from 2018 here.

Buffalo, NY

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I am not really sure what changed for me. I wouldn't be able to tell someone else what shifted or what I did. It feels like someone just invaded my brain, yanked out all of the horrible things I used to say or think about myself, and replaced it with contentment and calm. I think my body is so cool and I love it. Those are words I would have never said before my kids were born. I feel so grateful for all of the parts of me, even the parts I used to wish away. When I get ready to take on my crazy busy, full hearted days of parenting and life I look in the mirror and see the strong, capable, and passionate mama that I am. I still have negative thoughts but I just try my best to meet them with compassion. My squishy belly does not incite a deep hatred. I have sparks of ambition pulling me (very slowly) towards exercise because I want to feel strong, vital and healthy. I want both my kids to know self love, I want them both to only know this peace that is just now starting to set in for me. Also I still have moments or days when my anxiety is crippling or when I feel really sad or down. Just seems like growth isn't linear, and knowing that is comforting.

What was your postpartum experience?

My two postpartum experiences were drastically different. With my first it was as if time was moving at a snails pace, my second is a little over a year and it literally flew by. Having my daughter I knew what to expect and that definitely made things easier. But no matter what, having a baby is so hard!

I had three bouts of mastitis within her first four months. My husband got a new job, and then switched jobs, and we bought a house and then moved to said house all before our baby turned one. Life was busy and things are only starting to settle now, fourteen months later. I still feel very much postpartum. Lately in the fleeting quiet moments I have found my eyes just welling with tears. My heart is aching to find more of those moments. I try to hold space for myself but alas, a tiny person usually needs me. I don't know whats next for me or who I am other than mom and wife. Sometimes the idea of figuring it out leaves me paralyzed, other times I feel invigorated and inspired. I can feel our family shifting away from the survival mode of the first year and its bittersweet.

What is your truth?

So I took a look at what I wrote the last time I did this project and i'm really happy to say that this still is totally what I believe....There are so many truths, and they are all true. we just have to choose which ones we want to align ourselves with. There isn't one way. This parenthood gig comes with a billion opinions on how it should be done. I have been doing what feels right and good. The biggest thing is not to be afraid to change your mind about what you thought before. To expand and transition as needed. Flexibility and patience are key. Motherhood has taught me these lessons but I'm pretty sure they apply to life with or without children. In addition, I don't really know anything, not sure anyone really does. Just doing my best.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

At both 4th trimester Bodies Project shoots I spoke about being formerly apart of an orthodox Jewish community and what that meant for me as far as covering up versus not. But that is not at all why I chose to participate in this movement. It felt relevant to share as its a huge part of my story, but being religious never made me feel oppressed. It was fully an empowered choice to cover myself and it was also an empowered choice to uncover myself. Both were accompanied by positive self growth and healing. both were conscious, thought out and deliberate choices. I chose to participate in this movement because I believe in it. I chose to do it because It felt good to me, and right. I chose to do it because it is an opportunity to reflect, share and connect with others, which ironically are sort of the same reasons I was religious. I guess I like being a part of something greater. I hope that my story and words might inspire someone else to share theirs.