Carrie Elisabeth

Carrie Elisabeth (28 - she/her - 30 weeks pregnant). Mother to Tate (would be 8), Brenner Elisabeth (4) and Bennett Wilder (2 - pictured)

Columbia, SC | Philadelphia, PA

“I lost my first baby at 18, and it was one of the most isolating times of my life. Naming the baby really helped me to process my grief. Tate was due 03/03/11. Holidays were always hard for me, and I wouldn’t go to church on Mother’s Day because it was too painful. I had felt the pain of losing a child but didn’t feel like I could stand with my arms being empty. It wasn’t until I had my rainbow baby in 2016 that my heart began to finally heal.

Today, being pregnant immediately after a loss has been strange to navigate. I miscarried right before/the beginning of a family trip we were on. My parents planned to have professional photos on the trip, and I had talked to the photographer about pulling us to the side, taking photos with a onesie, and my family would find out when they got the photos back. I didn’t have the heart to message her and hoped that the bleeding wasn’t anything. However, I felt like deep down I knew because my tests were getting lighter. 7.5 weeks later, I took over a dozen pregnancy tests. I didn't think this baby would stick either, and I was hesitant to tell friends and my husband. Every appointment with my midwife, I was sure she wouldn’t be able to find a heartbeat. I’ve been the most anxious this pregnancy. Even when my little one isn’t as active it makes me paranoid that something is wrong. I’m now 30 weeks pregnant and, while I can’t wait to meet this little babe who will be joining our family soon, I can’t help but feel sad at the baby we never got to meet. I’ve always went a little before my due date. So, I would more than likely have had a new baby the end of next week if I hadn’t lost that baby.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I’ve always felt self conscious of my breast size, but they’ve finally gained their worth to me while breastfeeding my girls. After 4 solid years of nursing, I no longer want a boob job, and I’m content living in nursing tanks. I never worried too much about my weight, but tandem nursing was not friendly to my body and, while i lost the pregnancy weight pretty quickly, I gained it all back nursing the girls. I really wanted to lose 30 pounds before baby 3, and that didn’t happen. I am the highest weight I’ve ever been. I try to not let it bother me too much, but I know if I see a certain number on the scale I’ll be really disappointed in myself. I was pretty fit before babies - doing mudruns, a Spartan, and several half marathons. Now, I couldn’t run a mile to save my life. My legs, thighs, and belly are covered in stretch marks. Not long ago, while showering, my 4-year-old rubbed some of the stretch marks on my belly and asked how I got so many booboos. I want to be proud of my body and all that it has done, but it’s hard when I don’t feel comfortable where I’m at right now.

What was your postpartum experience?

While pregnant with our second, we moved away from the only place I’d ever called home. Moved away from my family, friends, and the only life I’d ever known. To a new place that felt like a foreign land with totally different weather. I was depressed and cried all the time. I just wanted to go home. My husband’s family was there, but it just wasn’t the same. I felt envious of everyone who had their “village” supporting them after birth and during motherhood. I felt alone. I had amazing friends far away who I texted with frequently. A close friend flew up when I went into labor and stayed for a few stays. My mom came up too, but I missed having someone who lived close and who could come over at the drop of a hat if I needed support. I felt like life was exhausting and mundane, especially when I started working full time after maternity leave. Also, it has been so hard finding mom friends and community with my work schedule. I’m hoping this postpartum journey isn’t so lonely since I actually have some local friends now. My mom is flying up for the birth this time as well, and I have a better support system up here now.

Further, I’ve been having a lot of guilt about weaning my toddler, Bennett, before baby arrives. She isn’t as attached to nursing as my big one was (she was weaned right before turning 3.5). I feel bad about her not getting an equal amount of time nursing. I tandem nursed for 17 months. Bennett has only gotten to nurse for 7 months without sharing, and my supply has tanked so she isn’t even getting much milk. I feel like I should keep going and let her self wean or wean closer to 3.5 instead of right after turning 2. But I know how draining tandem nursing was, and it would be easier to wean her and have a short break before baby arrives.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Give yourself grace, and don’t be afraid to ask for help or know when you’ve reached your limit. Today, I got home from work, unloaded the girls, and brought them inside to dad. Immediately, I left so that I could have an hour of silence after a super stressful and exhausting day.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I chose to participate in this movement and share my story because I knew it would help me be proud of and love my body no matter what. I want my girls to have positive body images and know that every body is beautiful regardless of size, color, and differences.

Tina Van Winkle

Tina Van Winkle (32 - she/her), Theodore Meriwether (4), and Roger Archibald (3). You can view Tina’s original photo and story from 2018 here.

Austin, TX

“I had a miscarriage in 2014 at the end of the first trimester.  I have a tattoo in memory of that pregnancy, and still refer to that child affectionately as "Little Moose"

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

When I participated in 4TBP last time, I was still raw and reeling from the difficult pregnancy and postpartum period with Roger.  He just turned 3, and I feel I've finally moved away from just how gestating and parenting infants affected my body image, and I can now better speak to how parenthood in general has changed it.  I feel simultaneously more strong and more fragile.  There are days when I feel like a badass, thankful for all the things my body can do to support me and my kids.  Other days I feel completely defeated and scared that my limitations and frailty will negatively impact my boys.   I do know that I've really let go of worrying about how I look.  I am myself, with all my freckles and stretch marks and silver hairs and the coming wrinkles.  If I'm a mama house (as I used to refer to myself), I love my (slightly crumbling) facade, and I just wish the structural renovations on the inside could happen faster and paid for by medical insurance.  Okay, that metaphor really didn't extend...

Teddy weaned himself one day just weeks before his fourth birthday. We were both ready; he was only nursing once a day, and would run off to play very quickly. Roger also chose this year to wean, about six weeks ago, so just shy of his third birthday. It's a strange new thing, to suddenly not be nursing a child after doing so continuously for four and a half years. My breasts have changed with pregnancy, and nursing, and are now changing again. I feel like I'm getting to know my body again, as its own entity, as my kids are more and more in their independent spheres and not nestled against me most of the time. Sometimes I marvel at how I can just not touch anyone, if I so choose!

What was your postpartum experience?

My previous narrative describes the really difficult journey I had postpartum. What's changed since November 2017, and March 2018 when my portrait and narrative were published, is that I am now divorced. My ex-wife left just a few days after my 4TBP photo was posted, and moved to another state. It was a heartbreaking, contentious process, and it took me a long time to extricate myself from the pain of a relationship that, in retrospect, was undeniably bad for me. My expectations of parenting toddlers had to shift dramatically. I know that many of the dreams I had for my family aren't realistic anymore, not in their original forms. Being a single mother is terrifying, and has pushed me to rely on others (my family, my friends, my church, my children's school) in ways that I have never felt comfortable doing before.

At its worst single motherhood is humiliating; at its best it is humbling. My children are so resilient I've had no choice but to go through this painful growth process to keep up with them. I am eternally grateful for the little moments of peace and joy we find together. I feel, every day, like the biggest burden on the people around me, but I also know it's brought me so much closer to all of them.

What is your truth? 

If you have the same doubts, day after day, listen to them. If you are afraid that leaving a relationship will make you collapse--it might, but you will stand up again. Nurture yourself, and in the chaotic midst of parenting little ones, parent yourself a bit, too.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I wanted to come back, not to "correct" my narrative, but to add its next chapter. My family looks different now. I'm no longer married, my children are older, I'm no longer nursing, and I'm doing some amazing things. About a year ago I contracted a bad case of viral meningitis and was hospitalized. Since then, I've been trying to find balance as my health screams for attention. Over the summer I worked three jobs, something that would have been impossible several years ago. I started graduate school for library and information science in 2018 and I will receive my master's degree in May of 2020. I've taken my kids on hikes again, made music with them, pushed myself to find reserves of energy and strength I'm still not sure I have. My children laid rose petals as I sang, blessing a space for my sister and new brother-in-law at their wedding. I wrote and performed the ceremony for a different wedding. I have beautiful new tattoos that help me see my story on my skin. I have dear new friends, dear old ones, and there are new things on the horizon. I've learned I'm not, in fact, a misanthrope.

Two years ago, when I first participated in Ash's amazing project, I thought I'd already been through the worst.  I thought I'd walked through the fire and that things would look up.  I've lost my cockiness about that.  Parenting, and life in general, isn't linear, and its narrative (annoyingly) won't conform to literary norms. 

 The worst may be over, or it may be yet ahead; but I am now and I will be better.  As Hamlet would say, "the readiness is all.”

Cara Redmond

Cara Redmond (37 - she/her), Rigel (21 months) and Meissa (2 weeks)

Ann Arbor, MI

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I have always had a pretty positive body image. Parenthood and breastfeeding specifically have made me feel more comfortable baring it all. I have never been a modest person, but any inhibitions that I had in the past disappeared after childbirth. I bounced right back after my first child, but the second one left me softer. I ended up with more stretch marks. I have diastasis recti so my stomach now sags a little. Instead of feeling negatively about it, I try to view it as a badge of pride.

What was your postpartum experience?

Physically, postpartum was fairly easy with both children. I delivered vaginally with no tearing. After my second child, I had severe pelvic girdle pain and could barely walk for the first couple of weeks. I had it throughout my pregnancy and thought that it would go away right after childbirth, but it lasted for about three weeks. My partner works out of town, so it made chasing a toddler around very difficult. Having two children under the age of two is exhausting, but worth it. Sometimes just taking a shower is a task. I am tandem nursing and it often feels like my body is not my own. Personal space is a thing of the past. I know that it won't last forever though so I try to enjoy the closeness.

What is your truth?

Trust yourself. Even when things seem chaotic and frazzled, know that you are doing great. I have had moments when it feels like I am failing, but there are so many more moments that are a success.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I have followed this project for a few years. I love the inclusivity of different body types, races, gender identities, etc. I believe that people should be proud of their bodies and should try to protect the rights that we have as humans. Participating in this project is a way for me to embrace my imperfections while also being a part of a community that shares the same ideals as I do.

Jennifer Mancuso

Jennifer Mancuso (38), Parker (4), Piper (3), Aria and Asher (Twins - 20 months). Jennifer is also bonus mom to three more.

Akron, OH

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

My body has changed into almost exactly what I was afraid of: floppy belly, abnormal looking belly button, saggy boobs, multi-directional stretch marks, cellulite, etc. However, I see my body now and am more confident and proud of my physical self than I ever was before. I look at the aforementioned aspects of my body and see it as representation of the 4 tiny humans that I created, grew, and have sustained over the last 5 years.

Feel free to share your postpartum journey.

I have evolved so much with each of my three pregnancies and births experiences. With my first I was very ignorant and trusting of the medical doctors. I trusted that they were my expert advisors and if that's what they suggest, they know best and to do what they say. I learned very quickly that was not the case.

After a hugely medically intervened first delivery, my second was completely medicine-free. The vast difference between the two experiences and my resulted PP journey, it made me do a ton of research for my twin pregnancy and knowing how much I had to advocate for myself. I refused what the doctors were advising and insisted on a breech baby A birth while baby B was presenting transverse. I had to sign refusal documents in order to be admitted to the maternity ward because I rejected a voluntary cesarean. Baby A was born frank breech vaginally followed by baby B turning head down after baby A was out.

My postpartum journey for my last three was so much better than my first because I did not have nearly the medical interventions as I did with my first. Also, as a mother, with each child, I found more and more confidence and my voice saying that I know what is best for my child.

What is your truth?
Knowledge is power. Use that knowledge to advocate and do not be afraid to stand up for yourself, because God knows we have to!

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I'm very excited about the postpartum body positivity movement happening and have loved the project as I've followed on Instagram for a while. I find strength and courage in reading others journeys and I'm so thankful to be able to contribute to this project.

Liz Ryan

Liz Ryan (33) with her 4 living children - Sully, Mags, Veda, and Reddington.

Akron, OH

“12/29/2009

It was a Tuesday morning, in the middle of winter, when the sun sleeps longer than it is awake. I was still sleeping, tucked away in my warm blankets, when I began to drift in and out of pain, alternating with my dreams; like when your alarm goes off and you are still in a deep sleep, but your brain keeps reminding you to wake up.

The pain in my abdomen was enough to wake me up. I remember so clearly, whispering in my head..."Go back to sleep Little One."

My subconscious knew that we were in danger, but my body had not fully responded to the alarms my body was sending me. The pain grew, my mind and body were on the same page, I NEEDED to get up.

I grabbed my phone, walked quietly, as to not wake up my husband, and made my way down the dark stairs. My heart was pounding; I knew what I had to do. The suspense was palpable. I got to the bottom of stairs, rounded the corner to the left, and walked into the bathroom. I closed my eyes, looked down, and opened them.

BLOOD.

I immediately was gasping for air. Sobbing. The kind where you can't breathe, you can't come up for air, you are COMPLETELY SUFFOCATED BY GRIEF. It was 5:30 am.

I called my doula, barely forming words, between my deep heaves. I couldn't tell Steven. I mustered up just barely enough in me, to yell up the stairs for him, in a way to make it sound like I wasn't crying. He came. I handed the phone to him, and had my Doula tell him. I could not speak. I could not tell the man I loved, that I, Me, his wife, lost his baby. I had an overwhelming feeling of grief and embarrassment coupled with guilt. Somehow, I felt guilty, the one to blame, the one at fault.

When I whispered for my Little One to go to sleep, they already were. And when the pain grew in my abdomen, that pain would spread like wild fire and wind, to every aspect of my life. The days ahead were much darker than any winter I had ever seen. We had gone from not being pregnant, to finding out on vacation, to surprising both sides of our family for Christmas, to losing the baby 2 days after our biggest surprise ever.

We had a doctor with billowing chest hair coming out of his scrubs, tell us that it wasn’t my fault unless I smoked crack or stuck a rusty hanger up my vagina. Dead serious. I was so disconnected with my body. I didn’t even know which pads to buy, my husband had to call my doula and ask. I had no clue what my body was capable of, but everything told me it was only capable of destruction during that season of my life. I entered my first depression and stayed there for 6 months.

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

“After having a miscarriage with our first baby, I went from being completely broken, like it was further proof that my body was not right and never was. To then getting pregnant again, growing a real life baby for almost 42 weeks, and then using only my body to bring them earth side. The days and weeks following my birth, I was able to see myself through a different lens than I ever had before. Prior to babies, I had never felt “right” in my skin. There was always something to strive for and try to make “right”, except I never knew what that was exactly, but was completely convinced it wasn’t me.

When I had Sully, I met a new me. I met someone that despite all of my broken I had been before, was somehow now whole. I realized that the narrative I had been spoon fed from the time I was born, was way off base. It was like a veil had been lifted when I gave birth. I was able to see every part of my body for good, not as a burden. My love affair with myself only deepened as time went on. I was able to breastfeed, and now nourish this mini human with just myself again. Nothing else made me more capable than what was already inside of me. So, it truly was this awakening. I remember making a promise to myself to never talk bad about myself in general, and most importantly in front of him. It became so routine that it truly became me. I didn’t have to watch how I spoke about myself, because I only winked at myself in the mirror every time. I experienced new milestones in my life, just like my baby. I had so many firsts…wearing shorts, wearing a bikini, wearing skinny jeans, saying yes to all the things that the world had told me no for so long.

I realized I had wasted 25 years of my life hating myself, and decided I was done with that person who always had to adhere to social stipulations. I really cannot fully put into words how freeing it was. How freeing it was to give myself permission to love myself wholly, and know it wasn’t a façade. I didn’t feel like a fraud anymore, because I did have times where I felt beautiful in the moment; but it was fleeting. It was something that came in all the add-ons like clothes, hair, and makeup, but the absence of those things left me back at square 1. It has been 8 years now since I have been clean & sober from self-hate. Four kids in my body changed each pregnancy, but I have always come back to it with love. It is hands down the best decision I have ever made.

Feel free to share your postpartum journey.

Reddington is our last baby, and I feel like I just got the hang of honoring the postpartum period in my life. With my first two, I had figured out how to love my body, and the journey into motherhood. I put my whole being into being a mom. The right kind of mom, ha. Then as they grew, life got real, real. I began to see patterns from childhood, and triggers playing out in my life. So, it became this balance of trying to understand where my feelings were coming from, and matching them up with reality. It was like the universes joke, it had me thinking that I done. Complete. Finished.

Turns out, loving my adult self was only just the tip of the iceberg. I had to go back and love the child inside of me that had never healed. I realized that the only way I could effectively parent was to work on myself. It was something I had never allowed myself to or given myself the luxury of. I had put so much into rewriting my childhood experiences that I left myself out completely.

So, I began to go to counseling, and work on me. I was able to identify triggers in parenting and in marriage. I was able to see the whole picture of healing, knowing that unless I do the work no one else will. Postpartum began to feel like I was cracking a code. By my 3rd baby, I figured out that I needed to make a postpartum birth plan. I needed to set expectations; I needed to nourish my body, nourish my soul, and definitely plan on not liking my husband at 4 months postpartum. It never fails that my hair starts falling out, and our marriage starts falling apart at that mark. Every. Time. Hormones? No sleep? Another full blown human? I am sure it all plays a part, but I am able to acknowledge that now, and work on solutions. With my third baby, I put reminders in my phone calendar for the whole year. I sat one night, picked random dates, and put in notes. Some of them are as simple as “drink water”, “take a deep breath”, to “work on your marriage”. I also started to ask for help, which was something I was always too nervous to do. I was able to view postpartum as kind of a step by step process, of setting up what I needed to do for myself, what I needed from my husband, and what I needed from friends and family.

My postpartum journey is now mainly focused on giving myself grace, honoring where I am at, and continuing to work on myself. I find that a lot of what I need to work on personally is brought to the surface within the first 9 months postpartum. It is a constant state of checking in with me and deciding what to do with it, or else it manifests in anxiety; and the postpartum period magnifies it. There are so many resources now, that weren’t there with my first. One of them being support from other postpartum mom’s via Facebook. It is reassuring to know that we are all on this same journey together, and that most of what we feel in a day, is normal and ok.

What is your truth?

My truth is, there was never anything wrong with me. I was the right me the whole time, I was who I was supposed to be from the beginning.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I have been watch 4th Tri bodies for so long, and seeing the pictures and inspiration circulate social media for years now. It was one of the first visuals I had of what it looked like to love yourself, and journey, and path as a mother. I knew I had felt a change in me, after my babies, but this project was the guide to being ok, with being ok. I want to be a part of something that can be a visual for my kids to also see the diversity in being ok, with being ok. I want them to see how much I love this body that they had a part in changing for me.”

Liz is also author and illustrator of the children’s book, “My Mommy Had a Miscarriage”, which you can buy here.

Jesse Ziegelbauer

Jesse Ziegelbauer (34), Caleb (9), Kamden (6), Addison (4), and Skylar (2)

NY | Miami, FL

Jesse shares -

“My second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and if you ask my rainbow baby he will always tell people I have 5 babies, and that baby bean lives in the stars.

All my life I struggled with my body image. As a middle schooler my mom started me on appetite suppressants and because of my family's skewed view of the perfect body, it left me in a constant struggle. Since becoming a mother I am constantly trying to see myself as my children see me - perfect the way I am. I know I have little eyes watching everything I do and I make it a point to never speak negatively in front of them so as to stop the cycle.

Before my first was born I was working as a high risk OB nurse and taking care of pregnant and new moms. I thought I knew how it would all turn out and what I wanted. So when I became pregnant with my first born, I started with a doctor I worked with. After the first 22 weeks of seeing a different doctor and being told different things, I sought out the care of a midwife. We drove around and found a birthing center and called for a tour. The second we stepped foot inside the birthing center we immediately felt a sense of relief. This was the care we wanted. And we had the absolute best care.

At my 40 week appointment, I asked to be checked and my baby was so high that they couldn't confirm position. They asked me to travel to another birthing center for an ultrasound to confirm head down, but my nursing brain kicked in and instead I went to the hospital where I worked. After they confirmed he was head down, they then told me I was going to have a cesarean. They said he was measuring 11lb 2oz on sonogram and even when I begged to at least induce they told me the ACOG did not recommend an induction for any baby over 4500g (about 9lb 8oz). This was far from what I had planned. And I cried. A lot.

At first I refused, knowing our hospital policy at that time was mom went to recovery and baby went to newborn nursery on a different floor. I refused to be separated from this baby that they told me was so big, I knew he would need milk and I would be devastated if not only my birth went wrong, but now my nursing. At 5am the doctor attending made rounds and deemed me in active labor and called an emergency cesarean. I sobbed the whole way to the OR, devastated knowing all my research and work to achieve an out of hospital birth was being ripped from my hands.

My big, beautiful baby was born and nursed beautifully in the recovery room. I ended up having my incision open and it kept us in the hospital for an extra 5 days. The pediatrician seeing us was not the ped I picked, and every day insisted I supplement. I didn't. On the 5th day they checked his bilirubin and compared to a newborn it was high. They insisted he be transferred to the nursery for a bili blanket and double photo therapy. Again, I cried. Sobbed. Refused. And then the threat of social services for impeding my child's health. So we transferred him, and there were orders for formula. And I refused and pumped. Even with the bili blanket they told me he couldn't come out- even though the pedi told me he could. I felt so lied to, taken advantage of, and like I had no control on my own baby. 12 long hours later he was back in my arms and we had discharge papers. It was Christmas morning, and I left with instructions to return in the morning for repeat blood work. I left, hopped in the car, and drove across the state 3 hours away to be with my family.

Becoming a mother was nothing like I envisioned. I spent a few days with my new family sleeping on my parents daybed in the living room, while having an allergic reaction from the antibiotics I was given for my incision. After a few days my husband and I returned home to a town where we had no family. It was tough. And for a very, very long time I mourned the birth I didn't have. After getting home from my family of 3, it was quiet, and my husband was able to stay home for a while to help me. I spent day and night on my couch, topless, with my naked baby on my chest. Nursing was my saving grace. After my surgical delivery, and never feeling a contraction regardless of being 4cm and considered "active labor", I felt like my body betrayed me. Like I was broken. But nursing, watching my baby satisfied from the milk of my body, it kept me going.

My midwife invited my to a weekly get together for new moms and it was wonderful. I was able to share in a safe place about how I felt everything went wrong with my delivery and newborn period. It was also a place I met some amazing moms that helped me not feel so lonely. When my son was 3 months old, I went back to work. It was hard, going back where I had my cesarean and not having anyone there validate my feelings. Their thoughts were that I had a healthy baby and that is all that matters. I even had a nurse tell me I should be grateful to not have "ruined my vagina" by pushing out an 11lb baby.

It was after his birth I put together a new folder in my house- called "future pregnancy and delivery" where any piece of research went. It had statistics of VBACs and hourly bilirubin levels in a newborn. When we decided to have another baby we got pregnant right away, but I knew something was amiss. I had a feeling that you can't deny. I took about 20 pregnancy tests waiting for the lines to disappear, and a week later came the cramps, then the blood, and then the loss of the second line. I was crushed. It was December, the one year anniversary of my little brother's death and I was hoping for December to be better, but it wasn't.

A month later I was pregnant again, and this time with my rainbow. His pregnancy progressed well, and I knew I wanted a VBAC. I also knew it was going to be a fight. And not just with my medical team, but also my family. My husband was supportive, and he encouraged me when we switched providers three times. My family saw my struggle and thought that it was best I listen to the doctors, and if they didn't think a VBAC was safe, then they were right. Except I wasn't giving in. Starting at my 36 week appointment I provided my doctor with my birthing plan and every appointment from that point I would review with him; no interventions. When the moment came and my body finally did was it never did, I was ecstatic!

We got to the hospital and I was progressing well. None of the nursing staff wanted to touch me and the doctor on call refused to write orders- for a VBAC. So when my doctor came on at 6am and saw me, he insisted on breaking my water. I reminded him of the birthing plan we went over several times and he told me "if you want your VBAC we are doing it my way" and then proceeded to break my water. Again I found myself crying in labor, and not from any physical pain. I saw the cascade of interventions in my head. My water was meconium stained and I thought he was going to call it. Luckily, the nurse was on my side and got me up to the shower as soon as he left. I was doing great and at 7cm the doctor returned to tell me I needed an epidural, because "when this becomes an emergency, if you don't have the epidural I will be knocking you out". So at 7cm I got the epidural and shortly after I was pushing. During my pushing my IV fell out and the doctor insisted they restart it. I heard him yelling at a Jessica and then quickly realized he was yelling at me, with the wrong name. My epidural never really took and as he was stitching me up for a repair I felt every poke and cried, yet again. He didn't believe me so he took the needle and poked all over my labia saying, "do you feel this?" The next day I was relieved when he discharged me from the door frame, never stepping foot in my room. I never saw that doctor again, not even for my 6 week follow up.

Adjusting to life with two was much easier than I imagined. I feared my entire pregnancy I was ruining this beautiful relationship I had with my first born, yet the second big brother came to meet his little brother I realized that I gave him a best friend for life. My third baby I found myself in the care of a beloved doctor, someone I found for my 6 week follow up from my second baby. Someone who trusted my choices and respected everything I chose. I had the most amazing, non medicated hospital birth of a 10lb 9.2oz baby. She was my healing birth.

My final chapter was 2 years ago. This time I had gained confidence as a birthing mom and ignored the naysayers and had the most amazing home birth. I was in the comfort of my home, in a children's swimming pool, with my mom and one of my sister's and nephew by my side. A trusted friend was also one of my midwives as well as another very special friend who was my birthing assistant. I was beautiful and magical and even though my mom and sister would tell a different tale of how I hemorrhaged and passed out multiple times, I can only recount how safe I felt and how strong I was. All of my births changed who I am. And all of their postpartum periods differed so much.

I wish I could love myself the way I tell others to love themselves, unconditionally, just the way they are. I would tell a new parent that motherhood is the single most isolating thing that you can experience, until you find your tribe. They are out there, just as lost and isolated and wandering the aisles of target.

My sister brought me here. I have shared in the journey of motherhood with her as my 3rd and 4th babies are months apart from her two babies. I have followed the 4th Trimester Bodies Project for a while, in awe of all the mothers feeling so comfortable in their skin. And while I am terrified of my body and seeing it on film, I am trying to learn to love and embrace it as much as possible. This body has carried four babies earthside. This body has birthed- in different ways- four times. And this body has been nursing, non stop for the last 9 years and 8 months with no end in sight. How can I not love me?”

Katie Chiet

Katie Chiet (36), Chase (5) and Ian (2)

NY | Miami, FL

Katie shares -

“While I struggle with body image and the softness of my body these days, I am also marveled at how this body carried two children, has nourished and continues to nourish them, and can still do incredible feats like run marathons! My body is strong and capable in ways I never thought possible.

My first postpartum journey was affected by a NICU stay that I should have been expecting, but still blindsided me. We knew to expect some health concerns and so I was scheduled for an induction - we had to throw everything we learned in our Bradley Method class out the window. They took him from me after delivery and when family poured in to my room 30 minutes after Chase entered this world, there was no baby to show off.

Every day for the next 10, we met doctors of all kinds who came to tell us our beautiful baby boy had some serious medical problems. We lived 45 minutes from the hospital; I was expecting to be lying in my own bed with my newborn and instead, we were waking up at 6am to shower and pump, drive, visit all day/pump around the clock, leave at 7pm for rounds, come back at 9, and leave for the night at 10pm. We didn't get to come home until he was 2 weeks old and we had 8 specialists to follow-up with, so it wasn't the bliss I had expected when I was pregnant. I went into automatic/mama bear mode for a long time. At four months old, he had 2 major surgeries - one on his larynx and then open heart surgery - and after that, I finally felt like I could breathe and enjoy him.

When I delivered Ian, my sisters helped advocate for a different experience - the chance to latch him at my breast immediately after birth and to spend some time with him before he was checked out. But because my induction went super quick and I was positive for Group B Strep, I was discharged from the hospital before Ian was. I had a hard time believing I was going to leave the hospital without a baby for a second time, but my midwife was exceptional and was able to allow me to stay an extra night! Ian is the perfect addition to our family - he was a calm, content baby who came everywhere his big brother needed him to go.

After my first delivery, I returned to running quickly - mostly because of pressure I felt from social media that women were supposed to bounce back, but partly because I needed a stress relief from Chase's medical issues. I ran a multi-day event when Chase was 6 months old (5k, 10k, half marathon and full marathon) and nursed him on course while I went 26.2. It remains one of my most favorite memories of my journey. I wasn't able to run as long into Ian's pregnancy - I was severely anemic through most of it - but I have some special memories of our active time together and we returned to running, all three of us, once I felt able to.

I am so thankful for a husband who has supported every part of this postpartum journey. He never hesitated when I felt like I needed to quit my job to care for our children and he has more than fully embraced the attachment parenting style that seemed to come naturally for me.

It's OK to change your stance on things. I had heard the adage, "you're never a better parent that when you are expecting your first child," and I am not sure I fully understood it until Chase was in my arms. Everything that I had once said I wouldn't do turned 180 degrees. My sisters co-slept with their babies and I swore I wouldn't ever do it; Chase was born with a complex congenital heart defect and a laryngeal web, which left him with an apnea monitor and the inability to cry or make sound. I thought breastfeeding was gross; I am currently tandem nursing my FIVE and TWO year old sons. I prided myself on my career and ability to care for others; all I want to do these days is stay home and play with my kids. I am a much different person than I was in 2013, but in so many good ways.

ALWAYS trust your mama gut. Every time I felt in my gut that we needed to take a specific action, I have been correct. My mama gut hasn't failed me yet and for that, I will always be grateful!

I chose to participate because my voice matters. I have been fortunate enough to have people advocating for me on life's journey. I am lucky to get to be Chase and Ian's advocate as they grow up to be the people they will be. I hope that some special needs mama out there hears our story and knows that there is so much joy to be found in parenting a child who is differently abled.”

Schaulis Fike-Romero

Schaulis Fike-Romero (32), Darrell Romero (35), Adalynn (8), Kenneth (4), and Leland (8.5 months)

Nebraska | Denver, CO

Schaulis shares -

“After my first, I had feelings of inadequacy, I didn't feel beautiful and harshly judged myself. After my second, I was less harsh, but still unsatisfied and uncomfortable with how I looked, but thanks to 4TBP and wonderful friends and family, I began to see the beauty of my body as it was, not how I thought it should be. My children kneading my squishy belly, using my floppy breasts as pillows while they nursed, hugging and hiding behind my thunder thighs when they felt shy, all these things forged a new level of confidence that I had never had before. My 3rd baby had fully cemented body positivity for me. Even though I had dietary restrictions throughout my pregnancy and ate an extremely healthy diet, my body put on the amount of weight it needed to grow my baby. If my body did not change after pregnancy, I would have been ok with that. But it is constantly changing due to my new eating style, so each season of my body brings a new opportunity to accept and love myself how I look. Easier said than done. I will forever be a work in progress, but life is the most beautiful work, so I have learned to live and love it the best that I can.

When I first had my daughter, I was very hard on myself and my body. I was desperate to loose the baby weight because I thought that's what I was required to do. 9 months on, 9 months off as they say. I tried and did not succeed like I had hoped. Life went on, and while I was pregnant with my middle son, I gained quite a bit of weight, and already being overweight did not help. I was comfortable in my pregnancy for the first two trimesters because my amazing midwife helped me to see how beautiful my body was growing this baby. But not everyone was so kind. I spent everyday at work being berated by my supervisor for my weight gain along with other things. If I wasn't the only income at that time, I would have quit, but with a baby on the way it didn't feel like an option. The negativity wore me down and my confidence floundered. The amount of stress that work environment brought on ultimately caused health issues - spiking my blood pressure, ripping my dream homebirth away, and ending in a cesarean for the best possible outcome.

About a year later, I was able to leave that job. Some time after his birth, I found 4TBP and began to see all the different families, read their stories, and see the real beauty. All of this helped me to find comfort in my life. My 3rd pregnancy was by far my healthiest both mentally and physically. Even though I gained a lot of weight again, it was not concerning. My blood pressure was normal the entire time, and most importantly, I kept all negativity away from me. I was able to have a beautiful, healing home water birth surrounded by love and those closest to me.

4TBP helped me to see the beauty of myself and others, and I want nothing more than to help continue that so other's can find that same truth. Research and fight for what you believe and need.

*****

Darrell shares -

“I have come to accept my body in parenthood. At first it was somewhat frustrating knowing that my body was changing and there was little I could do about it. I can't say that I'm really ashamed of how my body has turned out. It's just a part of life's journey and I'm here to experience it.

With my first son, Kenny, it has been an interesting postpartum journey. Because of complications he had to be delivered via cesarean there was disappointment that we were not able to experience the home birth we had been planning. It really felt like everything was stacked against us. Since we had to deliver prematurely there was also much concern for his well being as he was in NICU for a little over a week. Overall it was a difficult experience.

My second son, Leland was a completely different experience. We weren't under the stresses that plagued us during Kenny's birth. That led to a healthy full term home birth that we were wanting. We didn't have the complications with Leland, that we had with Kenny. Overall it was the experience that we were wanting. This is the last child we plan on having so it was very rewarding to get the result we were wanting with Kenny's birth.

I wanted to support my wife and family and be a part of something that helps make a positive impact. Just try and be as positive as possible with the process. Try to have a little more patience as well. Things are going to happen that you will have to live with and accept that they are things you can't change.”

Amy Bolton

Amy Bolton (36), Charles (8), Henry (6), Ruth (4), and Thomas (20 months)

Toronto, Ontario

Amy shares -

“Before we were married in 2008, I conceived by surprise and when we went for our dating ultrasound at 9 weeks we discovered that it was a blighted ovum. Not until months after we got married, 10 days after my D&C did I realize how deeply this had affected my wedding. We have a Christmas ornament that we hang on the tree every year to remember this loss.

I have always had trouble with body image, yet I loved my body when pregnant! I was so proud of my growing belly and the life inside of me. I am determined not to pass my insecurities onto my children though, I am working through them myself, feeling comfortable in my own skin and I want my children to grow up loving themselves the way they are and to be healthy.

I was incredibly proud of myself and my labours. Each one was different and I had incredible support through each one. With my first I had a small baby born in hospital who struggled with breastfeeding, I scrambled for any resource I could find, but I persevered. My second was born 19 months later at home and I was able to tandem nurse them until I was seven months pregnant with their sister, my third. She was born at home as well and I know I struggled with postpartum depression with her. I have a cleft lip and palate and I think this, combined with her being a girl, really had me struggling with my emotions and self esteem. My fourth baby was born in hospital after an induction due to preeclampsia. I struggled with this change in plans but in the end, I was very supported by my midwives and I felt very empowered by this. I was able to tandem nurse him and his sister until she turned 3. My husband was very involved in my labours, my boys even got to be present at their younger brothers birth!

I now teach prenatal classes for my local midwives and I am an RN in a small rural hospital where we have low risk births. In my classes I try to encourage expectant mothers to ask for help, take the time to enjoy that time with their babies, connect and cherish this time because there will be lots of time to introduce solids, bottles, visit people, etc but your baby with only be tiny for such a short time. I try to support women in labour so that they are empowered, that they aren't scared and that they feel cared for.

I grew up being told that I looked like my mother, but having a mother who had terrible self esteem that was a very confusing thing for a little girl on top of growing up with a facial difference. I chose to participate in this project because I want to show myself, my children and others that "different is beautiful", I have scars, my babies gave me these curves and my less than perky breast, my varicose veins and my tired eyes but I wouldn't change this journey for the world!”

Rebecca Delgado

Rebecca Delgado (34), Javier (7), Gloria (5), Austin (3), and Vann (1)

Oak Park, IL

Rebecca shares - 

"I have always been okay with my body. Most days before motherhood I was happy with it. After becoming a mom my body is no longer my own. I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for almost 8 years. I love everything it has done to make me a mother and to help me so far through motherhood.

The first time around, birth and becoming a mom was nothing like I imagined. After a difficult delivery I didn't remember much about it. I was so happy he was out and safe, I basically blocked out the bad stuff. I knew the basics but it wasn't until my doctor and husband filled me in that I could remember it.

Because of that labor my son had physical therapy until he was 18 months and surgery before his second birthday. I had cesarean births for the rest. After my forth I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and I just kind of become numb to it all. Just talking about it made me feel better and with help from my doctor and finding the right meds I have been a lot better. I never would have thought my last eight years would have included non-stop breastfeeding and four kids.

I have been following {this movement} for a while now. I express self love to mamas everyday. Showing motherhood in the raw like this is so beautiful. Now that I am done having kids I figured it was the perfect time."