Lauren Waters Jackson (30 - she/her), Wesley (14 months), 14 weeks pregnant with baby number two.
Austin, TX
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Honestly, parenthood has exacerbated and brought out long standing struggles I've had with body image-which I'm still actively trying to work through and are a big part of why I chose to participate in this project. While I am someone who has been fortunate to get pregnant easily, being pregnant is not something my body seems to like-both my current and past pregnancy involved significant morning sickness and my last pregnancy ended with an emergency cesarean at 37 weeks due to rapidly elevating blood pressure, a very scary period of about 5 minutes where my son was non-responsive after birth due to his cord being wrapped around his neck and waist, and months of feeding problems due to his borderline early birth.
After all of this, I don't have the glowing "what an amazing thing my body can do" feeling that some moms reflect on. My body allowed me to get my son into the world safely, but barely. And on top of that, it's made me incredibly sick during my current pregnancy. And then on top of that, it's larger and squishier than it's ever been. I truly hope to someday feel more at peace with my body and its new form but getting there is proving to be a longer, harder road than I thought.
What was your postpartum experience?
I have a history of generalized anxiety disorder and depression, so I was terrified of the postpartum period and deeply concerned about developing PPD, PPA or PSI. I was incredibly fortunate in that, unlike pregnancy and birth, the postpartum period after Wes arrived went really smoothly. Aside from mild mood swings (thanks sleep deprivation!) I adjusted quickly to parenthood and fell deeply and irrevocably in love with my son the moment he arrived. I know this isn't every gestational parent's experience and I will always feel unspeakably grateful that my mind, body and community seemed to rally around me in the days after birth to allow me to have such a smooth entry in to parenthood.
There were, of course, parts that were hard (mostly breastfeeding) but through that I had a wonderful support system-from an engaged partner and co-parent to friends who would drop everything to come over and hold my baby so I could nap, bring dinner by and talk through decisions I was struggling with to a wonderful pediatrician and lactation consultant to help me work through difficulties feeding my son to a therapist who was willing to hold biweekly FaceTime sessions in those early days after birth-and that made all the difference in the world. Reflecting back, my biggest regret is that we don't live in a country where these support systems are available to all new parents and their babies, though I hope someday that will change.
What is your truth?
Parenting isn't something anyone should feel like they have to do in a vacuum. We all need, and deserve access to, resources at home and in our communities as we work to raise our children-so don't be afraid to ask for help and, if you have the resources/bandwidth, try to find ways to support new moms around you.
It is okay to make your own choices. I made several choices in my pregnancy, primarily staying on my anti-anxiety medications, that those around me questioned and, at first I wondered if I was doing my child a disservice. Ultimately, with reflection, I realized that being medicated was something I needed to survive the experience of pregnancy in both metaphorical and literal terms-and that was okay. I also ultimately decided to supplement breast milk with formula for my son. It's not the right choice for everyone, but it was the right choice for us and, again, he is just fine. Make your own choices and be okay that not everyone will agree.
You don't have to love pregnancy to love your child. One of the most impactful things a fellow mom in my circle said to me when I was pregnant was Wes was "You know, it's okay to hate this-you won't love your child less." Pregnancy felt like a battle with my body and I have, for a lot of both pregnancies, I felt beat down and demoralized by the experience. This was really hard the first time around because I worried it meant I wouldn't be able to love my son. That turned out to be a fear that didn't come true and I hope that by sharing my truth-that pregnancy can be hard and draining and demanding and people don't always love it-that I can spare another human the days/weeks/months of worry I went through when I was pregnant with Wes.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
As I prepare to welcome my second child in to the world, I wanted to put myself in a safe space to talk about my complicated feelings around my first birth experience. In following the 4th Trimester Bodies Project, I have been inspired by how it holds space for people to share their truths and honor the path they've walked to bring new life in to the world. I really hope that participating will be a first step in doing the hard work of getting ready to welcome my second child in a more positive, affirming way.