Kirsten Hagopian (38 - she/her), Ella (7), Andrew (6), Sophie (15 months). Kirsten has participated twice before in Ann Arbor and Detroit. You can view her previous images and stories in our archives.
Michigan {Virtual photoshoot captured via CLOS}
“I have been pregnant 5 times, and have 3 children. The losses are very difficult for me to put into words. One by choice, one not. I was surprised to feel grief with these losses, but going through it helped me to get more educated about loss. It doesn't need to be taboo, and I hope people one day will no longer feel shame around their loss, chosen or not.”
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Each of my births has resulted in different feelings around my body. A mixture of depression and awe. Depressed for no longer fitting into the image forced on women, depressed that I hated looking in the mirror, and awe in the fact that I grew humans AND was able to breastfeed them. My second child was finally diagnosed with CP at the age of 3, suspected perinatal stroke (but will never know for certain). I spent a lot of time beating myself up over not protecting him when we shared a body, and even more, time beating myself up that it took 3 years to get a diagnosis. I understand now that this is just part of our story, and our path is ours for a reason. By my third baby, the depression was thankfully absent, and I only see someone who has earned their stripes. I've talked to so many birthing parents over the years and made it a point to be vulnerable in these conversations. Doing this showed me just how similar many of us feel after giving birth. I believe this played a tremendous role in me looking in the mirror right after surgery with mesh underwear on, a fresh new wound on my belly, brand new stretch marks, third baby at the breast, and smiling.
What was your postpartum experience?
3 C-sections later and I have finally accepted that there is nothing wrong with me for not being able to have a vaginal delivery. My first two labors resulted in hours of pushing followed by surgery. The pain of recovering from all the pushing on top of being cut open was more than I expected. With my third, I opted for a scheduled cesarean, and it was everything a C-section should be. I was able to have a clear drape and immediate skin to skin in the OR. I was asked for consent for everything instead of being told what was going to happen. I was able to breastfeed as soon as we left the OR, and have been going strong ever since. Recovery round three resulted in less need for the giant pads, but more pain meds. I had my tubes removed during my C-section and wonder if that caused the pain to be more significant this time. My husband was thankfully able to take a month off to help, and I was able to take 6 months total before returning to work full time.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
So many things I would love to tell myself before having my first baby. It's okay to not love everything about pregnancy, birthing, and parenting. Be gentle to yourself. When the unsolicited advice rolls your way speak up and tell that person you didn't ask their opinion. Parenting is not and will never be one size fits all, and there are many people who will try to make you feel like their way is "right". Be supportive of other parents even if you would choose to parent differently, and you will gain a beautiful tribe because of this.
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
My third was born at the end of December 2019. Just 3 months into her life and the world was shut down. I miss the day-to-day freedom of life before Covid, and I get sad at times that she still has not met all of her family, but I would not change a thing. It's been wonderful to be home with her like this. I have the luxury of working from home for the foreseeable future, and I have not had to put her in daycare. My first two were in daycare at 12 weeks old, and I hated having to leave them so soon. Witnessing every milestone, really being able to soak up in her infant stage, it has been wonderful. Honestly, the hardest part of Covid has been navigating virtual school with my two oldest and missing out on the therapy for my CP child.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
How could I miss the chance to document the final babe, and maybe inspire other birthing parents to learn to love their story?! This project is so special, and I am honored to have been able to share again.