Eliza Naomi (37 - she/her) and Clara Bee (2)
New Orleans, LA
“Prior to conceiving Clara, I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2015. I found out that I was pregnant at the same time I found out that it wasn't a viable pregnancy and I would have to terminate. I barely had time to process the pregnancy before I had to process losing it. My husband was wholly unsupportive, I remember staying home from work and crying alone for 2 days. I felt like only got to feel the loss, and never the joy, of that pregnancy.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I've always struggled with body image, but during my pregnancy and postpartum I have somehow managed to give my body more grace than I ever have in my entire life. After my ectopic pregnancy, I lost faith in my body's abilities. I felt no anxiety when I found out I was pregnant with Clara, only joy and hope. Knowing my body image struggles in the past, my midwife and I agreed that my weight would only be discussed if it were a health issue. Postpartum, I focused on what my body was doing- nourishing my daughter (for 2 years and 2 days!!!), and on what it had done, instead of how it had changed. It was hard at first because I didn't even recognize my body, it was so different. I was larger than I've ever been, which was hard sometimes, but I treated my body with respect and fueled it with good food, and had to trust that it knew best.
Now that I have a daughter, I am hyper-aware of the things I do and say about my body- I want to teach her to love her body because this is the only one she's going to get. If I wouldn't say it to her about her body, then I no longer say it to myself about my own body. It's amazing how much time I don't spend in front of the mirror anymore picking myself apart.
What was your postpartum experience?
My experience has been difficult, but hopeful. When I was 11 weeks pregnant my husband left, in a pretty brutal fashion. The things I endured during my pregnancy would have been difficult under normal circumstances, but add the pregnancy to them, and they were horrifying. I almost think that it's better he left when he did, so that I wasn't under the mistaken assumption that I would be raising my daughter with someone.
As with all birth stories, mine took a surprising turn that I hadn’t prepared myself for. I had a planned homebirth, my labor was 6 hours start to finish so it was fast and furious, but then the placenta wouldn’t deliver and I was transferred to the hospital for an emergency D&C. Clara was only 5lbs at 42 weeks and rather than examine the placenta as a reason for her IUGR, the doctors and nurses immediately assumed it was an infection and treated us accordingly. It was an awful experience, totally unnecessary, and has left me deeply untrusting of the medical community. My immediate postpartum time in the hospital was traumatic. I was bullied, lied to, and told that I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed (which I did, successfully, for 2 years and 2 days). Once I was released from the hospital, I felt like our life began.
Postpartum is HARD. I wasn’t prepared, I don’t know if you can be as a first-time mother. It was a paradigm shift, and I had no idea what to expect. My body had just done this amazing thing, and was continuing to do amazing things, but it didn’t feel like my body. It was like I was an interloper in someone else’s body. I did give myself a lot of grace, which I’ve never done before, to let my body do what it needed to do. When I finally got on the scale 4 months postpartum I was pretty shocked…but not really at the number. I was shocked that I was the largest I’ve ever been and totally fine with it. Of course, there have been times where I’m frustrated trying to figure out how to dress this new body, but I think that’s normal. I’ve had a lifetime of being really hard on myself, constantly talking down to myself about my body, and it was like my pregnancy freed me from that. It was literally the opposite of what I thought would happen. I assumed I would be miserable with the weight gain throughout the pregnancy, and then be relentless in trying to lose it postpartum. I’m still not sure how that wasn’t the case, but I’m thankful for the acceptance I’ve had.
What is your truth?
Give yourself grace, in everything. It also helps to give others grace.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
Seeing others photos and stories gave me a lot of strength to know that I wasn't alone. You can feel so alone postpartum, and while you know that you're not the first person to feel that way, it still feels like you are. I think I wanted to do this to prove to myself that I survived. Photographic evidence that I did it and I am still doing it and I am more beautiful than ever.