Tina Pak (39 - she/her), Albie (2.5), and Teddy (2.5 months)
Salt Lake City, UT | Davenport, IA
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
There is an ebb and flow of tension between appreciating the amazingness of my body - how my body cared for and housed my babies for 9 months, how my body birthed my two beautiful children, the perfect nourishment my body has provided for my babies while also seeing changes in my body: the extra weight, looser skin, weaker muscles, and the scar from my cesarean that I still rarely ever touch or even look at. I ran marathons and completed several triathlons before becoming a parent and now I spend much of my time running after my toddler, putting a little person down for a nap, or doing laundry. I love my body for what it has done and continues to do, but my body hasn't felt like mine in a long time. I know that sooner rather than later, I will be able to reclaim my body again so I'm working on loving my beautiful body as it is right now.
What was your postpartum experience?
My first son was born via cesarean. This was not the plan. I wanted an unmedicated birth and I had been doing all the things to keep him in a good head-down position, so when he flipped to breech at 41 weeks, I felt a bit like I had failed at motherhood already. The moment he was born and placed on my chest though, HOW he was born seemed wholly irrelevant. He was perfect and I was head-over-heels in love with this amazing little person.
Recovery from surgery was hard. Daily, mundane things that I never had to think about like getting out of bed and walking, showering, coughing and laughing, getting dressed, going to the bathroom, and even picking my newborn up were all painful reminders of my surgery and healing.
Breastfeeding was a struggle for me and not the calm, lovely, milk-drunk experience I imagined it would be. I didn't expect to struggle so much and get so frustrated and even angry trying to breastfeed. I didn't expect to be constantly anxious that I wasn't producing enough milk. I didn't expect the physical and emotional toll that breastfeeding would take. I cried often and had mastitis 4 times. Breastfeeding difficulties, lack of sleep, hormones, feelings of isolation, self-doubt, and unrealistically high expectations took me to a dark place that I did not expect to go. I felt fine some of the time and so in love with and in awe of my son, and yet sometimes I felt so very angry and hopeless. My worth as a person was tied up in how I felt I was doing as a mother and I felt overwhelmed and fearful much of the time. It took several months of my feeling this way and my husband saying aloud that I needed to get help before I finally got help for my postpartum depression.
The thing is, I knew about all of this. I knew breastfeeding may not come easily, that postpartum depression was a very real possibility for me, that being a new parent would be hard, but experiencing it firsthand was something else altogether. Eventually though, things got easier and I learned to show myself grace.
My journey with my second child has been vastly different in so many ways than with my first. I went into spontaneous labor in the middle of the night and was so excited that I could hardly sleep because I had never experienced labor with my first child, and each contraction felt like a small victory. Labor was long and later contractions more intense than I knew what to do with. There were multiple times throughout labor that I told my husband and my doula that I was done and I just couldn’t do it anymore. When my son was born, my body was completely spent. I had literally never worked so hard in my entire life. I only remember feeling huge relief that it was finally over and not the great joy I thought I would feel in meeting my son for the first time especially because I was so over the moon immediately after my first son's birth. Nothing traumatic had happened during labor or birth, but I think I was a little traumatized nonetheless. It actually took a couple of days for me to feel really bonded to my son, which was totally unexpected and something I felt a little ashamed to admit. Once we were home though, I felt that bond strongly and fiercely.
Recovering from a vaginal delivery was not necessarily easier for me. I was able to get up and move around on my own faster but I also had to take care of a very active toddler and resume “life” much sooner. Part of me felt grief followed by guilt for feeling any grief at losing the family we had created before my second child was born. My firstborn was no longer my only child. He would no longer get our undivided attention and we would have to hold off on doing some things together because of this shift in our family structure. The other part of me was so ecstatic to have this new wonder in my life and watching my two children interact has been such a joy. Parenting a newborn and toddler together has been challenging and seemingly impossible at times, but I feel like we've fallen into a beautiful rhythm and my heart is so very full.
What is your truth?
Good enough is good enough. I have to remind myself of this frequently. Just showing up for your kids rather than striving for perfection or even "best" as a parent is freeing and opens you up to enjoy the ride of parenthood so much more.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I was excited to be part of such a beautiful, welcoming movement that connects people in the most life-giving way. Reading the stories of people opening up and sharing about their postpartum and parenting experiences has empowered me. I share my story in hopes that it encourages and empowers someone else