Kate Detweiler (42 - she/her), Evan (6) and Florence "Flora" (5 months)
Washington, DC
“I had five pregnancies and two births. I feel lucky that I got pregnant easily even in my 40s, and I know many people who had a harder time than I did, but it was nevertheless hard.
My first pregnancy resulted in my son. He had an early vanishing twin, but the twin was gone before I knew it existed, so I was just happy for my healthy boy. After that, I had three unsuccessful pregnancies: two early miscarriages with a more complicated and traumatic pregnancy in between the two miscarriages. At the first appointment I was pregnant with triplets, but it was clear that the triplets were not all the same size, which indicated a problem. I lost one and then another, and the one remaining still showed signs of problems at 12 weeks, so I had diagnostics tests. Based on the results I chose to terminate the pregnancy. I got the news while I was out of town at a work conference dressed for a black-tie event. I didn't cry or tell my husband until I got home the next day, and I had already made my decision before I told him. This was a devastating pregnancy, but terminating was the most loving option for me, and I don’t regret this choice. After the three unsuccessful pregnancies, we decided to try one more time. There was definitely a "this is it. Now or never." moment, and I got pregnant easily again. My doctor monitored me closely due to my history, and at the first sonogram, the technician told me that it was potentially conjoined twins. I was devastated again and felt like everything that could go wrong was going wrong. Fortunately it was a misdiagnosis and after a painful week of living with this possibility, the maternal fetal medicine specialist saw no sign of twins – conjoined or otherwise, and the pregnancy wound up being fine and resulted in my daughter.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Parenthood and body image are so complicated, but overall it's made me feel strong and powerful and tired. My son will speak frankly about my fat belly, and then throw his arms around my waist and I feel loved rather than judged. I exercise so that I can be strong and healthy and set a good example, but having a perfect body isn't my goal.
I can't imagine that my body will ever do anything greater than pregnancy and childbirth, despite the trouble I had. I aspired to an unmedicated vaginal birth, but I wound up having two cesareans. My son was frank breech and wouldn't move into the right position, so I happily scheduled a cesarean. It occurred to me that without technology, I might have been someone who died in childbirth, so I didn't feel bad about the change of plans. I considered a VBAC the second round, but I didn't go into labor and my doctor recommended I not go past 39 weeks due to advanced maternal age, so I had a second cesarean. I chose the cesarean rather than being induced, which didn't appeal to me.
Breastfeeding also makes me feel powerful and close to my children. I breastfed my son until he was 2.5 years old. I may not last that long with my daughter, but it's still going strong , and feeding my babies gives me joy. That said, it is hard to keep up as a working mother and pumping does not give me the joy that actually breastfeeding gives me. I know that fed is best, so I try not to judge myself or others.
What was your postpartum experience?
I have had postpartum depression since my daughter was born, which I am treating with professional help. She was born during a complicated stage of my life, so there are many contributing factors. It's been a year of high-highs, with her birth, and low-lows, some of which are not my story to tell. The pregnancy was also hard emotionally and physically. At 42 I'm struggling with mortality and loss, while simultaneously giving birth to a baby girl and it's hard to process life ending and beginning at the same time and still just go about my day. I saw someone describe "the mortality crisis women have at 42," and that really resonated with me. I'm not going out and buying a fancy car like the stereotypical mid-life crisis, but I'm grappling with life. Being a mom is much harder and much better than I expected. It has given me a better perspective on what's important to me. It can be a grind, but it's worth it.
What is your truth?
Make plans. Throw out those plans. Move on and make more plans. I'm trying to focus on being grateful, flexible and just keep moving.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I've followed the 4th Trimester Bodies Project since my first pregnancy 6+ years ago and I've learned a lot from reading people's stories. I have been fairly open about my struggles, but it is hard to know when is the right time to talk about it and I welcome the opportunity to share my story. Pregnancy and motherhood can be lonely and isolated at times. We all have different paths, and I think it's important to share and work to de-stigmatize miscarriage, abortion, postpartum depression, and everyday struggles.
