Carter Nickell

Carter Nickell (30 - they/them). Parent to Shiloh (9 mo - pictured) and Arti (9)

Maryland {Virtual session. Captured via CLOS}

“I experienced a chemical pregnancy when I was seventeen, which I have complicated feelings about that are difficult to express.”

How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Going through pregnancy with my first child helped me realize a lot about my gender identity and perceptions of my body. I struggled with the size of my chest during and after my pregnancy, but I felt lucky that my body mostly remained the same as it did before pregnancy. When my child was a toddler, I came out as nonbinary. What’s interesting to me is that when I got pregnant again ten years later, I had a much different view on my body and pregnancy. I no longer saw it as a “feminine” process. I was easily able to accept the growth of my chest, the widening of my hips, and all the other changes I went through. I embraced the awesomeness of growing a tiny little being. While I plan to have top surgery when I’m done chestfeeding, I’m proud of my body for all it has accomplished for my children.

What was your postpartum experience?

I had a traumatic birth with my first baby, which led to a dreadful postpartum experience. I struggled to find emotional support and looking back, I barely remember the first 6 months of my first child’s life. When I got pregnant with my second child, I was determined to have a positive and healing birth experience. I spent a lot of time researching OBGYNs and midwives, considering home birth vs birthing center vs hospital birth. I ultimately had a wonderful and incredibly healing hospital birth with a midwife. My baby also easily chestfed right after giving birth, which I believe further helped my postpartum experience be better than with my first. Unfortunately, the pandemic ruined my opportunity to have a birth photographer and extra physical support during my recovery, which are things I still think about with great sadness as this is my last baby.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself and demand consent. Don’t be afraid to switch providers if your needs aren’t being met. You are strong even when you feel you are not. Asking for help is not weak. You can do hard things!

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

Because of past trauma from my teenage years, the pandemic was a huge trigger for me. I was six months pregnant when the country shut down, and I plummeted emotionally. I had to go back to therapy and go back on my medications, one of which has never been tested on pregnant people so I had fears about my baby’s safety. I struggled to accept that I would no longer have the physical and emotional support I knew I would need postpartum. I spent the last three months of my pregnancy trying to create new coping skills and outlets that would also be feasible with a newborn. I’m now nine months postpartum, and looking back, I would never choose to have a baby in the middle of a pandemic! Our bubble is small, and we are very strict with covid protocols. I feel like I’m not as great of a parent as I could be because of how the pandemic has negatively affected me, but I try to remind myself that I’m not alone in the struggle.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I want to normalize the ups and downs of pregnancy, postpartum, and parenting. I also want more representation for nonbinary gestational parents.

Elizabeth and Nicole Russell

Elizabeth Russell (35 - she/her). wife Nicole Russell (35 - she/her) and Emmett (5.5 months - they/them)

New Mexico | Maryland

Elizabeth shares -

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I have a trauma history dating back pretty far and from that an eating disorder that I thought wrecked my body and ability to have children. Before having my son I always looked at my body with a lot of fear but, now, post birth, I'm able to simply observe my body and be amazed at the life it has created. I have a cesarean scar and a postpartum pouch right now, but that's not where my focus goes. Instead I see the part of my body that carried my son, with wonder and grace.

What was your postpartum experience?

Initially everything sort of flowed. I healed from my cesarean fairly seamlessly and I was able to navigate new mom-hood with my wife without too many issues. I wasn't expecting the anxiety I started to experience when I returned to work, or needing to take medication for it, however. Thankfully I'm pretty aware of my own internal state so I didn't go months with this anxiety that had me leaving work immediately, but it is still hard to accept that that was help I needed.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

Your own childhood does not define your ability to be a parent or your capacity to meet your child’s needs.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

Bodies are fucking amazing and the fact that my body grew and housed such an fascinating little human is something I will always be most proud of.

Nicole shares -

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

One of my first memories is a 3-year-old me thinking that I was fat. I have always judged my body and developed an eating disorder partly because of my dissatisfaction, and spent much of my early-mid twenties in and out of treatment. In 2011, I was in a serious car accident that left me with an abdominal scar, and another surgery scar was added in 2015. My body’s ability to heal fascinated me and gave me a bit of a different perspective.

While I still don't love my body, the older I've gotten, the less important it is to be "perfect." My wife loves me as I am and Emmett doesn't care what my body looks like. Being a good mom is more important than worrying about my body's scars and imperfections. Somehow, I don’t feel the same pressure I felt in my twenties to have a perfect body. Plus, the amount of effort and time it took to obsessively restrict my food and lose weight 10-15 years ago just wouldn’t be possible now.

It's important for me to not pass on body image issues to Emmett because I don't ever want him to judge himself the way that I've judged myself. I want to teach him that his body is amazing and his own.

What was your postpartum experience?

While I didn't physically carry Emmett, adding a new member to the family is a big adjustment. The three of us were home together for 12 weeks and it was great to spend that time together, but then Sarah went back to work and we went back to “real life.” I've sometimes gotten down on myself for not being able to calm Emmett fast enough, or wondered if I'm doing a good job.

I've always wanted to be a mom but didn't carry, and occasionally feel a bit jealous that my wife's DNA is a part of him. Sometimes I worry that the connection between me and Emmett won't be as strong because we're not biologically related, but then he smiles at me with his big eyes and I know that he knows I'm his mom.

I'm the stay at home parent and sometimes (or a lot of the time) it's exhausting taking care of a tiny person! Emmett is a loud baby and is in a squealing/screaming stage. I’m a quiet person who gets overwhelmed with noise so I need time to myself some days. It’s ok - and healthy - to not LOVE being a parent 24/7. It’s not always fun but I'm so glad this is our family now.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

It's definitely okay to not have all the answers! Google is not always your friend and will only make you paranoid as a new parent. Mistakes happen - you'll bump your kids' head on something or accidentally cut his finger with nail clippers - but it's somehow a weird rite of passage.

It’s also okay to not be totally happy with your body, but live life anyway! I wasted so much time trying to achieve the impossible. There was always something to change before I could be satisfied. Looking back, there was nothing wrong with my body then.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I wanted to participate as a challenge to myself and to capture our family right now. When I read others’ stories and see their pictures, I only see their positives. Being vulnerable is terrifying but it’s ultimately what connects us as humans.

It's also important for others to see LGBTQ+ families who look just like everyone else. Some people have demonized the LGBTQ+ community but we're just like them; we just happen to love a little differently.

Johnny Blazes

Johnny Blazes (35 - they/them). Parent to Hazel Glory (10 mo) and Juniper Simone “Juno” (would be 2)

Boston, MA

“My first daughter, Juno, was born full-term in January of 2018. Due to complications during labor, she suffered severe brain damage and lived for six days in the NICU before dying peacefully in our arms. We had a beautiful, musical memorial service for her with a few hundred friends, colleagues, students, and family in attendance -- and I was forever changed by seeing how much love a six-day-old baby could inspire in a community who never got to meet her in person.

I also had an elective abortion when I was 21. I know for sure that it was the right choice for me and my then-partner. It was excruciatingly sad and difficult, and also true to what we needed and wanted. We both have amazing, beautiful children now at the right and perfect time in our lives.

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

I’ve always prided myself on being body-positive. I work at a circus school where we go out of our way to make every person feel welcome and to celebrate athletic accomplishment and artistry at every level and with every body shape, gender, and ability. And I still find myself struggling to extend love and grace to myself as I learn about my new body shape, my new abilities or limitations.

Where do you put the waistline of your pants? Above the extra belly skin? Below it? Aah! I feel confused and frustrated about how there’s such a lack of clothing that looks and feels good for people who’ve had babies when there are so many of us. Sometimes I feel bad about how I look, and then I feel angry at myself for feeling bad. I want my daughter to always believe that she’s beautiful, and I want my mother to believe that she’s beautiful, and so I feel I must work to recognize my own.

I also feel powerful and proud and infinite. Making a baby and then birthing her is unbelievable. I’ve done it twice and it still boggles my mind. I look at other gestational parents with awe now all the time. I’m working on remembering to be awe-inspired by myself.

What was your postpartum experience? 

The birth and death of my first daughter was obviously emotionally traumatic, but it also caused a great deal of physical trauma. I had nerve damage in one leg that made it so I couldn’t walk, my sacrum was misaligned and caused back pain the radiated further and further up my spine each week, and I had a long healing process of my vulva and perineum because of multiple episiotomies and damage from ventouse. And still, it *felt* like I recovered more quickly the first time than the second. Within a few months I was exercising, regaining strength and confidence, feeling my core come back online. I got pregnant again 6 months after Juno’s birth, and stopped measuring what it meant to be “postpartum”, since I was now at the beginning of a process again.

My labor with Hazel was the diametric opposite to my first labor. She came quickly, and I felt safe and in control (as much as one can be in labor!) I had no tearing, no interventions, and I was up and walking right away. I felt so powerful - at first.

And then, as the months wore on and the excruciating pain in my neck and shoulders traded off with my spine traded off with my hamstrings and my core seemed like a blobby mess that wouldn’t pull its weight so I was constantly in back pain and carrying a baby means no time for getting stronger and why wasn’t I losing the weight I had gained like last time and why was it so much harder this time and how much do I hate/love/hate nursing and how much do I hate when people ask me how many children I have and watching their face fall when I say, “I have two kids, but my first daughter died at six days old, so this is the first one who came home with us” and what a gift my first daughter gave me of teaching me how resilient I am and wow this is totally unfair and wow I need to have more patience and grace with myself…

So yeah. My postpartum experience is still ongoing. Just this week, I’m feeling more hopeful. I’ve stopped chestfeeding, and despite the occasional pang of guilt, I feel awesome about it. Today I accomplished some aerial skills I haven’t done in literal years. Everything still hurts. But writing about the vastness of what my body has done in the last two years feels good.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Being a parent is awesome. Even when it’s hard and exhausting and frustrating, even when it totally sucks. Be brave, be open to delight.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I was really moved when I found this project. There are so few spaces that are truly welcoming to gestational parents who are not “mothers” “moms” “mamas”. I’ve gotten very good at code-switching, and for the most part it’s really fine. But what a relief to be able to write about myself and my experience, and not feel like my genderqueerness needs to be defined or defended or advocated for. To be actively welcomed into postpartum community and feel seen is so rare.

Looking at the images of the parents who’ve been part of this project so far, I feel love and inspiration, admiration and pride in all of the bodies and stories. Every belly is beautiful, every stretch mark, every bit of skin and fat and muscle and wrinkle and smile. I want to be part of that chorus, and to see myself through that lens, that context. See my superhero’s cape revealed by standing amongst the powerful and beautiful, the parents.