Johnny Blazes

Johnny Blazes (35 - they/them). Parent to Hazel Glory (10 mo) and Juniper Simone “Juno” (would be 2)

Boston, MA

“My first daughter, Juno, was born full-term in January of 2018. Due to complications during labor, she suffered severe brain damage and lived for six days in the NICU before dying peacefully in our arms. We had a beautiful, musical memorial service for her with a few hundred friends, colleagues, students, and family in attendance -- and I was forever changed by seeing how much love a six-day-old baby could inspire in a community who never got to meet her in person.

I also had an elective abortion when I was 21. I know for sure that it was the right choice for me and my then-partner. It was excruciatingly sad and difficult, and also true to what we needed and wanted. We both have amazing, beautiful children now at the right and perfect time in our lives.

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

I’ve always prided myself on being body-positive. I work at a circus school where we go out of our way to make every person feel welcome and to celebrate athletic accomplishment and artistry at every level and with every body shape, gender, and ability. And I still find myself struggling to extend love and grace to myself as I learn about my new body shape, my new abilities or limitations.

Where do you put the waistline of your pants? Above the extra belly skin? Below it? Aah! I feel confused and frustrated about how there’s such a lack of clothing that looks and feels good for people who’ve had babies when there are so many of us. Sometimes I feel bad about how I look, and then I feel angry at myself for feeling bad. I want my daughter to always believe that she’s beautiful, and I want my mother to believe that she’s beautiful, and so I feel I must work to recognize my own.

I also feel powerful and proud and infinite. Making a baby and then birthing her is unbelievable. I’ve done it twice and it still boggles my mind. I look at other gestational parents with awe now all the time. I’m working on remembering to be awe-inspired by myself.

What was your postpartum experience? 

The birth and death of my first daughter was obviously emotionally traumatic, but it also caused a great deal of physical trauma. I had nerve damage in one leg that made it so I couldn’t walk, my sacrum was misaligned and caused back pain the radiated further and further up my spine each week, and I had a long healing process of my vulva and perineum because of multiple episiotomies and damage from ventouse. And still, it *felt* like I recovered more quickly the first time than the second. Within a few months I was exercising, regaining strength and confidence, feeling my core come back online. I got pregnant again 6 months after Juno’s birth, and stopped measuring what it meant to be “postpartum”, since I was now at the beginning of a process again.

My labor with Hazel was the diametric opposite to my first labor. She came quickly, and I felt safe and in control (as much as one can be in labor!) I had no tearing, no interventions, and I was up and walking right away. I felt so powerful - at first.

And then, as the months wore on and the excruciating pain in my neck and shoulders traded off with my spine traded off with my hamstrings and my core seemed like a blobby mess that wouldn’t pull its weight so I was constantly in back pain and carrying a baby means no time for getting stronger and why wasn’t I losing the weight I had gained like last time and why was it so much harder this time and how much do I hate/love/hate nursing and how much do I hate when people ask me how many children I have and watching their face fall when I say, “I have two kids, but my first daughter died at six days old, so this is the first one who came home with us” and what a gift my first daughter gave me of teaching me how resilient I am and wow this is totally unfair and wow I need to have more patience and grace with myself…

So yeah. My postpartum experience is still ongoing. Just this week, I’m feeling more hopeful. I’ve stopped chestfeeding, and despite the occasional pang of guilt, I feel awesome about it. Today I accomplished some aerial skills I haven’t done in literal years. Everything still hurts. But writing about the vastness of what my body has done in the last two years feels good.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Being a parent is awesome. Even when it’s hard and exhausting and frustrating, even when it totally sucks. Be brave, be open to delight.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I was really moved when I found this project. There are so few spaces that are truly welcoming to gestational parents who are not “mothers” “moms” “mamas”. I’ve gotten very good at code-switching, and for the most part it’s really fine. But what a relief to be able to write about myself and my experience, and not feel like my genderqueerness needs to be defined or defended or advocated for. To be actively welcomed into postpartum community and feel seen is so rare.

Looking at the images of the parents who’ve been part of this project so far, I feel love and inspiration, admiration and pride in all of the bodies and stories. Every belly is beautiful, every stretch mark, every bit of skin and fat and muscle and wrinkle and smile. I want to be part of that chorus, and to see myself through that lens, that context. See my superhero’s cape revealed by standing amongst the powerful and beautiful, the parents.

Maggie Roth

Maggie Roth (34 - she/her) and Bodhi (16 mo)

Boston, MA

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I spent 33 years getting to know and love my body. Some days were easier than others, but for the most part I felt strong and sexy in my body. Birth blew that all up. It felt like my body let me down. It couldn’t birth the baby and then couldn’t feed the baby. I couldn’t walk down the block for months. My hair was falling out. I hated my body and was so angry. Why was this happening to me? Why did my husband get to escape the raw physicality of pregnancy and childbirth? I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. It’s gotten better with time. I’m not quite at “strong and sexy,” but I can do a backbend in yoga class. I can carry my baby. I have no residual pain, internally or externally, at my scar. I can look in the mirror and feel grateful that my body healed. It’s only been 16 months, but I’m slowly getting to know this new body, too.

What was your postpartum experience?

After a normal pregnancy and early labor, Bodhi got stuck in the birth canal after two hours of pushing. Two attempts at a vacuum delivery were unsuccessful, so he was delivered via emergency cesarean while I was basically passed out from exhaustion. In the recovery room he started having "dusky events," which were being caused by seizures. After many tests, it was determined that he had a perinatal stroke, some time during the delivery.

We went home while Bodhi stayed in the NICU. A week later, I was readmitted to the hospital because of chills and high fevers -- it turned out I had a life-threatening blood infection and had to have an emergency stomach surgery. Bodhi and I were in different wings of the hospital so we didn't see each other for almost three weeks. While I was recovering, I was also pumping and my husband and family were shuttling breast milk back and forth between us. We were released on the same day, and though I was incredibly happy to be with my baby, I was in so, so much pain. I came home with a wound vac on my cesarean scar and two drains coming out of my belly and butt. I was not sent home with any pain medication and was told to take Tylenol. I could barely breathe, let alone nurse and bond with my baby. He would be handed to me to eat, and then quickly taken away to be burped, changed, napped, played with, etc. -- all things I was still too weak to do on my own.

I had to focus on managing my own pain before even thinking about his needs. After a month or so, I thought the worst was over, but then he started screaming at my breast during our nursing sessions. He wasn't gaining weight. At 7 weeks old, we discovered he was aspirating the breast milk into his lungs, so I had to stop breastfeeding and start giving him thickened bottles. We thought we fixed it and could move on. A month later, he continued to scream at the bottle and lose weight. The doctors had no idea. A milk allergy? Reflux? I knew it wasn’t right. We finally went to a feeding specialist who said we were on the verge of a full on bottle aversion and needed to act fast or he would just start refusing the bottle entirely. We narrowly escaped that.

It was 6 months of anxiety and fear every time I gave him a bottle. Would he eat it? Would he cry? Is he getting enough? He wasn’t on the growth chart and the next step was a feeding tube. After all the early trauma, I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle another hospitalization. But just in time, our sweet boy discovered solid food. We fed him the fattiest foods we could think of – a lot of goat cheese, avocado, and ice cream. He’s a happy eater now, and every day I am so thankful that he has no lasting fear of food. All the focus on his weight, however, caused us to stop thinking as much about his birth injury. But because of the stroke, Bodhi has hemiplegic cerebral palsy on the left side of his body. It’s mostly affected his left hand and arm. Starting at 9 months, we started more intensive therapy for “leftie.” We just finished our first round of CIMT (constraint-induced movement therapy), in which his good arm was put in a cast for three weeks to help “wake up” his left side. We’ve seen a ton of progress and we’ll continue CIMT every few months for the next few years. We're told to believe in the incredible plasticity of the brain. In spite of all he’s been through, Bodhi is the happiest child. He’s curious, silly, and determined to do all the things he wants to do. I am in awe of him.

So, my postpartum experience has been nonstop. I feel like I have just come up for air in the last few months. I survived all of this in no small part because of a husband who is not just “supportive,” but committed to an equal partnership, in both the emotional and physical work of raising a human. I also survived because of my therapist who immediately told me “you have PTSD” and normalized everything I was feeling.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

You are stronger than you know. Trust yourself. A support network is everything.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I was so sick of the postpartum narratives being fed to me by the media. “Fit into your old jeans in six weeks!” “Messy hair, don't care!” I didn't recognize myself in any of them. When I discovered this movement, I felt such relief. I devoured the stories, reading about people with all sorts of bodies and experiences. I felt seen. I want other people who have been through a similar traumatic beginning to parenthood to read my story and feel a little less alone.

Shira Sussi

Shira Sussi (32), Lior (10 months) and Abe (forever 23 weeks gestation)

Brooklyn, NY

Shira shares -

“Lior is my first healthy, living child and my third pregnancy. In January 2017, I had an abortion for medical reasons at 23 weeks. We named him Abe. His birth defects were so severe he wouldn’t have been able to breathe or swallow at birth, if he made it to that point. It was the hardest decision I have ever made, and the months following his loss were the darkest and loneliest of my adult life. It took us 7 months to find the courage to try to conceive again and I had a first trimester miscarriage. When I got pregnant with Lior I didn’t think I could emotionally make it through his pregnancy. It was an incredibly stressful nine months.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

The stress of my pregnancies and postpartum has taken more of a toll on my body than anything else. Grief brain is real, as is mom brain so I feel like mentally I’ve been in a fog for almost 3 years! I look at pre-loss pictures of myself and think, wow I look so beautiful and content. Naivety is bliss. I battle with this more than those 5 extra pounds of baby weight stuck to my thighs.

After losing Abe I really struggled with this idea that my body had betrayed me in creating a sick baby that I wasn’t able to save, but since giving birth to Lior I’ve come to see my body in a new light and appreciate what it's lived through. This is my mother body. It’s carried three babies for different lengths of time. It's beautiful and strong, albeit a bit more squishy.

What was your postpartum experience?

Early postpartum has been a lesson in new motherhood – throw your expectations out the door and ride out the beautiful, messy chaos. People say it gets better, but really it gets different. I try to remind myself every phase is temporary, so how can I appreciate what's happening now for what it is knowing it won't last forever. Do I miss waking up every two hours? No, but I do miss all 7 lbs of little Lior falling asleep on my chest at 3 AM after a feeding, breathing in his sweet smell.

Lior’s birth was incredibly traumatic. After a short labor I arrived to the hospital ten centimeters dilated and he was born via vacuum-assisted delivery within the hour. Three days later we were in the ER for elevated bilirubin levels. My husband had started a new job a month before Lior's birth so he was back at work after three days at home with us. There was a lot of tears and a lot of just me and L trying to figure things out the two of us. In the thick of early postpartum it was pure survival mode.

Breastfeeding did not come easy – my milk took almost two weeks to fully come in, and even after Lior’s tongue tie was corrected it took months to establish a good feeding relationship. I constantly battled with clogged ducts since he couldn’t efficiently empty my breasts and was married to the breast pump 8-12x/day. When I imagined what life would be like once Lior arrived earth side it never crossed my mind that I would have such trouble feeding him. Breastfeeding added a whole layer of stress those early weeks, and while I'm grateful I muddled my way through it I now better understand why people choose not to.

I've also struggled with a lot of guilt postpartum. Guilt that Lior is here and healthy; that he will never know his older brother; that I am feeling so much happiness in watching him grow and thrive. I'm still very much working through this.

What is your truth?

I can be grieving and still find joy. For the longest time I kept asking myself, when will the pain go away? The truth is the pain never goes away; it gets softer as time goes on, and it doesn't control my every waking thought like it once did. This took time and patience, trust and acceptance, countless hours of therapy and so much work on my relationship with myself and others. Pregnancy loss robs you of many things - your innocence, a year of "firsts", the ability to say your child's name in normal conversation. But there is so much to be grateful for. I choose to see all the light and beauty. There will always be a void, but my life is SO FULL.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

If my story about ending a wanted pregnancy for medical reasons reaches just one mother who is going through something similar, experiencing the isolation I did back in January 2017 and is the slightest bit comforted knowing she isn't alone then sharing today so publicly will have been worth it.

Kelsey Mallabar

Kelsey Mallabar (25) Scarlett (Forever one day old), and Iris (3 months)

Burlington, VT

Kelsey shares -

“I became pregnant during the spring of my senior year of college. Scarlett was diagnosed with ARPKD (Autosomal Recessive Polycystic Kidney Disease) the following September. She died at one day old in November. I became a grieving mother at 22.

At 22 I learned that this person who I love and I will always have a 1:4 chance of having a terribly sick baby. It changed the way I thought about myself. I had barely graduated from college and I was faced with this truth that people three times my age never have to navigate. I had a newly postpartum body and no baby on my hip. I had dealt with my milk coming in, taking over my breasts with no way to relieve them but with cabbage leaves and time. My uterus went from holding a 5lb 10oz baby girl to empty. It wasn’t just the physical changes but the mental shift. My very DNA is what made my baby sick. We fell somewhere in between infertility and fertility. Not really fitting the mold of either but somehow relating to both. We were encouraged to try again. I searched for happy endings and they were bountiful.

It didn’t take us long to conceive again. We were so hopeful. We tested to see if this baby would also be affected with ARPKD. There is no feeling more crushing anxiety of waiting to find out if your baby is sick with the same disease that took your first child. It’s a crawl-out-of-your-skin, hyperventilate type of anxiety. The baby - a boy - tested positive for ARPKD. I never thought I would be someone who terminated a pregnancy but after losing Scarlett we couldn’t watch another child suffer like she did. I do not regret our decisions in any way but it still breaks my heart we said goodbye.

I’ve never come to terms that it happened a third time while we were waiting to start IVF with PGD (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis). A surprise but such a welcomed pregnancy. Third time had to be a charm, right? This was the universe giving me a break. But it wasn’t. We found ourselves terminating another wanted pregnancy. I have a hard time even talking to my husband about it to this day. I wanted to be a mom so badly and here I am able to conceive but yet somehow we can’t make healthy babies. It felt like the universe was mocking me. How could it be so cruel.

Through IVF with PGD we were beyond blessed with a healthy baby girl this past May. I love her so much it hurts. I look at her and I literally feel endorphins releasing. Pregnancy with her was scary. I expected the other shoe to drop at any time. After three pregnancies of loss I knew there was no “safe” point. Towards the end I obsessed over getting her here safely. I constantly thought she was going to die. I was induced partially because I wanted to be, partially due to high fluid. Her birth was difficult, much harder than Scarlett’s and ended assisted with the vacuum. She had a large hematoma on her head that made her cry constantly for the first week. We couldn’t put her down because she sounded like she was in pain each time we tried. Grief resurfaced hard in the first few weeks. Life with Iris reminded me of everything I missed with Scarlett.

Physically Iris was a larger baby than Scarlett and my body shows that. My hips are a little wider and the stretch marks her left on my body are more prominent. I look in the mirror and I don’t quite recognize my reflection. I love it and hate it all at once.

My identity as a mother has ebbed and flowed in its definition. For years I felt like a mother, biologically I was a mother, but to the world I wasn’t a mother. I had no baby to show for it. I sat on the sidelines of my dream and watched everyone else participate in the game. I became more isolated. I protected my heart inside the four walls of my home. Everywhere else was filled with pregnant women and babies. It made my heart bleed. I only found solace in the loss community on social media. Those mamas are some of the most badass mamas I’ve ever known.

Now I am just as much a mother but somehow more of one at the same time. I birthed a baby but she stayed with me this time. I don’t just carry her in my heart but I also carry her in my arms. I love her hard. I look at her in amazement every time I see her. I also know her mortality and I think that’s most difficult. Loving her is easy but knowing she can be taken away in an instant is a difficult reality to live with. I do wish I wasn’t so familiar with these dark truths. They’ve made me stronger, but sometimes I don’t want to be strong.

My journey to motherhood has been an uphill battle. So many times the universe said no but somehow we have come out the other side. My body has been through so much and now in my postpartum journey I am trying to learn to love it. I hope taking pictures with BOTH my babies helps this evolve.

I also think it’s important in today’s political climate to hear stories. Access to reproductive health is being jeopardized. If I did not have the ability to exercise my right to chose to carry out a pregnancy my life and mental health could be at a very different state. It’s not my place to tell people what to believe but it is to share my story and bring awareness. Life is not black and white.”

Shannon Fuscaldo

Shannon Fuscaldo (37). Mother to Jaden (17) and Tilly (21 months - pictured)

Fort Wayne, Indiana | Portland, Oregon

Shannon shares -

"I had my first child at age 19, when I was just coming into my body as a woman. After he was born, I felt like everything quickly returned to its prior shape except my breasts and skin on my lower belly. I thought maybe after some time and more exercise they would bounce back and tighten up, but no amount of exercise did the trick. I grew very self-conscious of these areas and even consulted with a plastic surgeon about breast implants. Even though I didn't love these parts of myself, I so badly wanted to embrace all of the markings that parenthood gave me and decided against surgery.

Now, 17 years later, I still struggle with accepting the parts of myself that do not live up to this unattainable expectation I have, but I am working to change the thought patterns in my head. I am so fortunate to have a belly that expanded enough to grow two babies to term and breasts that have nourished them for the beginning of their lives. Also, I feel a tremendous responsibility to be a body positive role model to my daughter. My consciousness around the way I talk about my body or anyone's body or physical appearance in general in front of my daughter causes me to be more conscious about these thoughts even when she isn't around.

My son was born in a hospital where I had an epidural after I realized that labor is no joke, an episiotomy, and after pushing for several hours, my son was helped out with a vacuum. Days later when my milk came in, my rock-hard breasts were about five times their original size and my nipples could barely withstand the pain from still figuring out our latch. We did eventually figured it out and I healed up just fine. I did have a lot of family support, but I may have experienced a little postpartum depression, and definitely some loneliness and isolation because of being in such a different place from my peer group.

My daughter was born in a birthing center sixteen years later. In the throes of labor, I remembered why I opted to have an epidural the first time around! However, I did feel like a badass superwoman and I still feel a sense of strength when I remember what my body is capable of. I ended up with a small tear and chose not to get stitches (I couldn't bear the thought of being sewn up down there) so was put on bed rest for the first week postpartum. I got to spend an entire week holding her and nursing. I didn't think I'd have any trouble nursing since I'd done it before, but I still needed the guidance of a lactation consultant to get it down.

After an entire week in our house my body was feeling really good so we walked around the neighborhood and I started bleeding more heavily. My body was telling me to take it easy. We continued this dialogue where I would be a little too active and my body would respond by bleeding for six weeks postpartum. Eventually I did learn to listen to my body and slowly worked up to the level of activity that feels right for me.

I wanted to participate in this project because of the way it showcases the beauty of all mothers, regardless of their shape.

I would tell my former self or a new parent to not be afraid to accept help from others. If someone offers to hold your baby for 15 minutes so you can take a shower, let them! If a friend wants to bring dinner so you can bond with your family instead of working in the kitchen, graciously accept. If people offer to help, it's because they want to. You can pay it forward later.

Hannah Holdsworth

Hannah Holdsworth, Walter (5), and Hugo (18 months)

When Hannah was young she was told that she might have a hard time getting pregnant because of the tilt of her uterus. She's since learned that this is a very common thing and is not sure why the doctor would have said this to her and it has proved to be the opposite of true. She became pregnant unexpectedly before she had the wherewithal to take care of a child and chose to terminate the pregnancy. "The thought of it makes me sad but I can't say I regret it. Knowing how challenging being a mother can be I am not sure how I would have taken care of a child then".

She has always wanted to be a mother but it's not something she spent a lot of time thinking about or planning for. She got pregnant the first month they tried and was really hoping to have an unmedicated natural birth with her first. She labored naturally for about 20 hours but found being in the hospital really tough and was not comfortable at all. She panicked once she hit transition and though her doula told her it wouldn't be much more time, she didn't believe her. Her contractions were right on top of each other leaving her no space to catch her breath. The doctor administering the epidural was very rude and lectured her about how this was, "good medicine," when she expressed her disappointment at needing it. He was so rude the nurses got cross with him and he eventually left.

Less than an hour later she was fully dilated and ready to push.  She pushed for 3 hours but was so tired. "Wally was born with a vacuum assist. He had a bruise on his head but other than that a perfect little Christmas elf (he was born on Christmas day). The nurses in the hospital were amazing and everyone worked with us so we could leave the hospital after just 1 day instead of 2". Hannah bonded with Wally without problems but also developed a fair amount of anxiety postpartum. She met with a therapist and just hearing how normal everything she was experiencing was helped a ton. Breastfeeding went really well and she was even able to donate a lot of milk to another baby in Brooklyn. Wally weaned (for the most part) when she was pregnant with Hugo of his own accord right around his 3rd birthday.

Pregnancy with Hugo was a surprise. "It was wonderful because it took the question out of finding the perfect time to have another. My son knew I was pregnant and asked to see the baby inside me before we had told anyone. I am kind of convinced he willed his little brother into existence". Hannah decided to have a home birth with Hugo because she knew the hospital had made her uncomfortable the first time. Labor with Hugo lasted all day but with strong contractions about 10/15 minutes apart. They got closer together at about 8:30pm and he was born at 10:06pm. "It was the most wonderful, manageable labor anyone could ask for. And I was so happy to be in my bedroom with my husband that night and to have Wally asleep in the room next door. It was an incredibly cozy experience and one that felt very healing to me. Breastfeeding came easily again. I still have anxiety but no where near as much as after having my first".

"Even though I find myself critical of my own body, I feel very strongly that a woman's body should be celebrated. I think we should do away with the concept and phrase, "bouncing back." I think a woman is forever changed after pregnancy and/or giving birth so there is no real going back - and any emphasis should be on her emotional wellbeing and not on her body! I think a lot of women have little idea what to expect after giving birth and the more we all share the better. So many feelings and emotions are normal and if we don't all talk about them it makes it so much harder".

Jenna Mitchell

Jenna Mitchell and Andrew Joseph (21 months) Jenna also miscarried a pregnancy at 7 weeks in September 2016. 

Jenna says that she has wanted to be a mother since a very young age, and was thrilled when she found out she was pregnant just 2 months after her wedding, two cycles after going off the birth control pill. Her pregnancy was fairly uneventful, with only a bout of carpel tunnel syndrome from 20 weeks until the end of the pregnancy. Jenna's due date came and went and she saw her doctor for a routine appointment at 40 weeks 4 days where he stripped her membranes.

At 5am the following day, her water broke and they headed to the hospital.  Jenna had fully intended to have a drug and intervention free birth, however, once in labor and delivery they immediately started Pitocin despite her requests. The contractions became so strong and so fast that she decided to have an epidural at 4pm just to get some relief and was able to rest comfortably but was too excited to sleep. She started to push at 1:30am and there was very little progress. She pushed for three hours before they had her stop for an hour to let the baby get further into the birth canal. By this point, the epidural was no longer working and she was in so much discomfort.

After 23 hours in labor, she was a mess. They suggested the vacuum and she was warned of the risk of needing a cesarean but she was so exhausted that she just needed the baby to come out so she went for it. Finally, Andrew Joseph entered the world at 8 pounds 12 ounces. Jenna tore on her own and felt every stitch sewing her back up. She had every intention to breast feed, and tried for the first two weeks. Andrew wasn't gaining weight so we went to see a lactation consultant and she was diagnosed with hypoplasia/insufficient glandular tissue. She was on a very strict feed and pump schedule for a week and it made life very difficult. "I felt as though we were so consumed by ounces and formula and pumping, which was made even more difficult by a sleepy baby and non-existent milk production. It was putting a lot of stress on both my relationship with my son and my relationship with my husband. We finally made the decision at 15 days old to exclusively formula feed. I had a lot of guilt but I knew it was the best thing for our family". Andrew started gaining weight and he was a happy, healthy and alert baby.

When he turned 6 weeks old, Jenna became overwhelmed with sadness. She thought constantly about how her maternity leave was half way over and how much she was going to miss him once she went back to work. Once she went back to work she was still so consumed by sadness and dread. She finally realized that she was suffering from postpartum depression. "I worked with my therapist and started on an anti-depressant. I could feel my mood lighten and joy renter my life. I worked with my therapist and 6 months later I was able to stop taking the medication. We found our groove with working and drop offs and pick ups and our routines were going strong".

When Andrew was 17 months old they found out they were pregnant again. The symptoms weren't as strong as with her first, but she just chalked it up to every pregnancy being different. At 7 weeks she started bleeding and had an ultrasound where they found an empty sac. Within the next week everything worked its way out and the pregnancy was over. She was shocked by the intense hormonal shift but feels strengthened by the experience.

"I have had weight and body image issues throughout my whole life, suffering from disordered eating patterns throughout high school and college and even into adulthood. Throughout pregnancy and into motherhood, I have made peace with my body. I have found that since following this project they aren't as intense as they once were, and for that I am grateful. I am proud of my body. I want to promote body positivity and encourage others to be proud of who they are".

Celeste Johnson

The stunning Celeste Johnson, Lily (5), and Mila (3)

Celeste says that she had dreamed for years of birthing a daughter that looked exactly like her father, long before she even considered getting pregnant. She feels incredibly lucky to have conceived on the very first try without any protection and never doubted that it was the girl she had been dreaming about.

Her name was Lily Echo and she was born at 40 weeks 4 days after Celeste was induced with Pitocin and had her water broken manually. Labor was 17.5 hrs; long and stressful. Her body kept stalling and she had to push for 2 long hours. She was determined to let her body tear instead of having a episiotomy but her body wouldn't tear! "I clearly remember my OB telling me we could keep going another hour or more or let her cut me and we'd have a baby in under 10 minutes. I consented because I felt my body couldn't take anymore". Lily was born a few minutes later with the assistance of the episiotomy and a vacuum. She came out with the cord around her neck and was unresponsive due to being in the birth canal too long. She took several minutes to come around and it was found she had low oxygen and blood sugar.

While the birth was difficult, Celeste says that her biggest heartbreak was breastfeeding. "I thought it would be easy for me but Lily wasn't interested. After a day of refusing to nurse I sobbed my way to the store to buy formula. It was more important to make sure she ate so we had formula until I could pump enough. I pumped exclusively until she was 4 months then we went back to formula. I was working full time and couldn't pump enough to meet her needs".

27 months later, Mila Rebecca was born and it was such an amazing and empowering birth compared to her first. Her water broke at home and she decided to shower and get her older daughter to day care before going into the hospital.  She was able to walk, use the birth ball and feel in control of getting her body ready.

Unfortunately, things moved slowly and the contractions stopped and started even with Pitocin. She became so exhausted they stopped everything until she could get some rest. Mila was born after 24.5 hrs with vacuum assistance and an episiotomy. She was hell-bent to breastfeed this time and Mila was a champ. They breastfed until she was 17 months and even now she's still obsessed with her breasts.

"Parenthood is exhausting and endlessly rewarding. I loathe the mommy wars and do my best to support other mother's and not judge. I work full time and while I love my job I miss kids. I'm torn between feeling guilty for not wanting to be with them 24-7 and relief at the break and fulfillment I get from working".

"I have severe body issues and spend a lot of time hating myself for the way I look. I don't want to pass that to my girls. I think the project is amazing and a good way to get some catharsis - hopefully."

Lacey Schmidt

The lovely Lacey Schmidt, Miles (4.5) and Jack (almost 3).

Lacey is a solo parent of two beautiful, amazing boys. She had a difficult first pregnancy that was not planned and was very scary for her. Miles arrived weeks late and presented in a posterior position. She had planned to birth at home, but after hours of pushing had to transfer to the hospital where she ultimately delivered via cesarean. "It was my worst nightmare and I was ill prepared how to recover from it especially on my own. I remember it used to take me up to ten or fifteen minutes to rollover in the middle of the night to nurse my baby and for awhile I was so crazed I stopped taking my pain meds and ended up in the ER. I thought something was wrong but I was really in so much pain I was half out of my mind".

Miles was a high needs baby which became increasingly difficult for Lacey to cope with. And her body image was a constant struggle. She gained a lot of weigt during pregnancy and it didn't come of easily. "I was appalled by my body, even as it nourished my baby. I was overwhelmed, exhausted - and I realize now, seriously depressed. I told almost no one. I used to take him outside to play because it was the only place I knew we were safe, and I wouldn't cry because the neighbors were all around us and would often stop by or acknowledge us with a wave. He never took a bottle. He slept poorly. I was back at work part time at 6 weeks and full time at 10. His dad came maybe 2 or 3 weekends a month. I thought every day we might die".

Lacey conceived again unexpectedly just after Miles' first birthday. Her children's dad was thrilled but she was devastated. Lacey had started physical therapy just prior to conceiving again in hopes of understanding her birth and her body. She was finally willing to touch her c-section scar. "When asked about my birth, I would say - and still do - that my baby was cut out of my body. And now, I was pregnant again". She focused on eliminating most of the carbs from her diet in hopes of gaining less weight as her providers thought she may have had undiagnosed gestational diabetes in her first pregnancy. She hoped that in growing a smaller baby she could have a successful VBAC, which she was approved to pursue through her midwife group.

"I went into PT, I went to ICAN and birth circle meetings. I did Hypnobabies. I prepared my birth space, grew my community of mama's. I prepared to do this on my own, and everything hinged on a VBAC". She carried three days post dates and was in dial that she was laboring. Her body took over and by time her midwife arrived it was clear to everyone but her that she was ready to push. He was also malpositioned and she pushed hard for hours. Her vulva began to swell and she transferred to the hospital. The pain was intense and they called in a team recommending a repeat cesarean, citing that the baby wasn't descending as far as her midwife had thought. She spoke up for herself and ultimately decided to push with vacuum assistance.  "I ended up pushing for almost 20 minutes, while my entire birth team - midwife, doula, birth photographer, mom - cheered for me like I was in the biggest event of my life. I was so tired and remember thinking as he crowned forever - "can they still section him and pulled him out if i just quit?" I didn't. He came out calm and perfect".

This birth was difficult on her low abs and pelvic floor and she's still healing today. Lacey went through serious PPD but this time, knew to get help. "I still don't know how we made it, that first year".  She returned to work quickly and while it was a struggle is so grateful to have such great support from her extended family. She eventually took a new job and moved across the country away from her friends and family but has been making it work. 

"Motherhood hasn't come easy to me - it's been a lot of hard work, and our circumstances have made it seem almost impossible most of the time to do anything but my career and mother my children. I know I need me in there too and we are finally getting to the point where I feel like I can care for myself better - so I'm doing more yoga, physical therapy so I can run again without feeling like my uterus is falling out, and doing some things i enjoy, like reading and traveling. The boys are always by my side and I've learned it's about integration, not balance, or sacrifice. What's happened has made me question so much about gender and perception of working women and my own ability and power. Dating after some of the comments that were made to me, and after two children so close and are still so young has also been really hard. I'm still nursing my youngest. My body still isn't mine. All that I thought this would be like...it hasn't been. At the same time it's all been better and bigger and I've grown so much as a person and as a woman than I ever thought possible. I'm so grateful to my boys for providing that".

"I wanted the opportunity to define my story, and come to some terms about how I have transformed -including physically. I'm so proud of what my body has and continues to do to care for my little family. It's such a different body than what it was - and so much better. My life is like that too. I feel so compelled to also start to share my story - and be proud of who I am, what we've become and continue to grow to be. Solo parenting is no joke; it's the hardest, sometimes crushing and always absolutely amazing and exhilarating work I've ever done. I want other women to also know and see what's possible. If your partner disappears that's ok. Your baby doesn't take a bottle? It's ok. You lose the weight, gain the weight, things tighten back up or you don't have time for that - it's all okay. Better than ok. I'd rather be out in this world with this body and these little men than to go back to the tight abs and perky breasts I used to have. Someday, I hope they see our participation here - and really in the world at large - and I hope they are super proud of me, and of themselves, and their role in transforming me, and maybe even helping transform someone else in this world. Women are so often belittled and diminished and made to feel like what we have to say, what we have to do, and what we look like isn't enough. In fact, we have all the power in the world. We are more than enough. We just have to be the ones who acknowledge that and put that forth in the world. Participating in this project is part of mine." 

Irene Barajas

The beautiful Irene Barajas, Bella Mae (5), Devyn Kay (3), Kylee Ann (13 months). 

Irene's first pregnancy was wonderful and the entire time her OB was on board with her plans and wishes. Her water broke about 12 days prior to her due date and she went into the hospital without labor really starting. Her family all came to visit and while she was progressing, it wasn't fast enough for her doctor. After about 16 hours, even though both she and baby were doing well the doctor pushed Pitocin. Irene began having back labor that was both intense and constant rather than the waves that contractions usually bring. She had an epidural which provided some relief but they kept the blood pressure cuff on her which meant that every 15 minutes she was woken up. 

She continued to progress in the morning and eventually she was told she was ready to push even though she wasn't feeling any urge to do so. Irene pushed for 4 hours in extreme discomfort. Her doctor kept trying to stretch her perineum despite her asking for her to stop and attempted vacuum extraction three times unsuccessfully. Every time the vacuum came off Bella's head with a loud pop, Irene screamed at the thought of her babies head coming with it. It wasn't until recently that she realized how upset she still is about her experience. 

Eventually, Irene was told that she was going to have a cesarean if she wasn't able to get her out baby out immediately and she says she found the strength somewhere in her pinkie toe to push her out. This birth experience informed her decisions after and she knew she wanted to birth differently with her future children. 

Both Devyn and Kylee were born at home with the same midwife after very short labors. She woke up in labor with Devyn which was quite shocking after not experiencing the natural onset of labor with Bella. Devyn was born in the water and Bella was immediately bonded with her sister. Kylee was the only of her daughters to arrive after her due date and she had a smooth and uncomplicated labor. As she was pushing in the water, she pooped - as you do - and Bella came over to reassure her by saying, "It's okay mommy, I poop in the bathtub sometimes too!" 

Irene hopes to create an environment in which her daughters can grow up confident in themselves and their bodies with a strong foundation unshakeable by the hang-ups our society perpetuates.