Anna Veit (32) and Gideon (2). Anna was pregnant (1st trimester) during her session but miscarried soon after. As of today she is 11 weeks pregnant and everything is going well.
Huntington, Long Island, NY | Photographed in Seattle, WA
Anna shares -
"Since childhood I've struggled with my perception of myself. To some extent I equated the number inside my jeans with my self worth, much to my detriment. I gained sixty pounds during my first pregnancy, but hoped breastfeeding would melt the weight away. That didn't happen, and neither did realizing my dreams of exclusively breastfeeding, and breastfeeding into the toddler years. I struggled with low supply and we supplemented with formula for the first year until Gideon and I ended our breastfeeding journey. No amount of pumping, oatmeal, fenugreek, or Domperidone boosted my supply to a point where we didn't need formula.
I felt betrayed by my body, which contributed to my postpartum depression. I couldn't birth vaginally, I couldn't feed my child on my own. Too much focusing on what I couldn't do, rather than celebrating what I had done and could do. Accepting that neither of those things made me a failure took time. During the process of accepting and moving on, I ostracized myself from connecting with other moms who didn't have an experience similar to mine because it was too emotionally painful. Looking back on it, I'm proud of what I was able to do despite the frustration and the countless tears, I fought for a year to breastfeed and succeeded. I'm squishier, I've got lots of stretch marks, and no matter how much weight I lose, will always have loose skin on my stomach. But I'm immeasurably happier now than I ever was two sizes ago because nothing brings me greater joy than every moment we have with our child.
My first pregnancy was extremely difficult for me, both physically and mentally. I was very sick the entire time which took a toll on me mentally- I knew how fortunate I was to be pregnant, to be carrying a healthy baby, yet I felt trapped by my own body. I saw the forthcoming birth as my salvation, the culmination of all I'd dealt with along the way, making it all worth it. I envisioned a completely natural home birth and gave little thought to other possible scenarios. Thirty-six hours of labor ended in an emergency c-section, not at all like what I had hoped for. It was devastating, even though I was so grateful to be holding a healthy baby.
Over the first month of Gideon's life he was diagnosed with spherocytosis, and needed a blood transfusion. I experienced two major losses, my grandmother and our dog both passed away. I assumed my teariness was due to hormones and related to the stress; that how I was feeling was totally normal. But as months went by and the dark cloud I was living in didn't dissipate, it became clear that I had postpartum depression. No one talks about some of the darker aspects of adjusting to being a new parent, how sleep deprivation can really mess with your mind. My partner is a fisherman and is gone half the year; he went fishing when Gideon was only three months old. Gideon slept really well up until that point but seemed to sense that his dad was gone. For the next four months until Elliott came home he slept for only an hour at a time, waking up constantly throughout the night. Working full time, commuting and carrying the load as a semi-single parent was exhausting. There were many times I thought I would break. But with the help and support of my partner, family, friends and medication I managed to get through it.
{I would tell others to} Go easy on yourself. What you've accomplished carrying and bringing a new life into this world is absolutely, breathtakingly incredible. It's sacred, and so is the body that enabled you to do that. Accept and ask for help. After Gideon was born I was so anxious needing to be a "good" mother that even allowing someone else to hold him for long periods of time made me feel like I wasn't doing enough, like I was failing somehow. Going into this a second time I know I need my village, and love how having friends and family closely involved in our lives enriches my children's lives."
