Joyce Faye Arnold

Joyce Faye Arnold (31), Gabrielle Alexis “Gabbie” (13), Charlotte Ann “Charlie” (5), Cooper Ryan (Stillborn at 21-22 wks in 2015), Emery Blaine “Emie B.” (16 months).

Nashville, TN

Joyce shares -

“We found out 9 days after our gender reveal blue cake that our boys heart had stopped beating. I was sent that evening to deliver him via induction at the hospital. I was able to deliver our beautiful silent boy naturally and spend a few hours holding him. We now frame our life in moments before and after him. He was a dream come true. However, The story of him would not end the day I delivered him.

I began pumping that same day in the hospital to become what is known as a Grief Donor. My boy and I were able to give over 9,600 ounces of breast milk over the course of a year to local recipient babies and fragile infants through Mothers Milk Bank of North Texas. Though he never was of this world, he's still the most beautiful part of my existence as a mother. He brought me the most beautiful year of strength, selflessness, and the most beautiful group of women (My Tribe) to see me to day 366 along with so many sweet little faces to have something tangible through out the journey of him. He may have silently passed in the womb, but he never knew cold or hunger, and I am sure he heard our sheer excitement and love for him at his gender reveal with our families.

He is still very much with me everyday in the faces of people he brought into my life, and in the faces of the growing babies he helped give the best start to. He is still driving me in the grief community as Volunteer with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and getting a Caring Cradle donated to our local hospital in his honor. The story of him stays further alive in me with future plans to be a Certified Lactation Counselor to help other loss moms heal through breast milk with Grief Donation. His little life forever a heartbreakingly beautiful part of me being a mother.

Parenthood had impacted my body image especially negatively after loosing Cooper. Empty arms met with a body ravaged from an empty pregnancy was hard on me mentally and physically. Weight never left after him partly due to breastfeeding and a sedentary lifestyle attached to the pump, and partly due to the depression that follows a loss and my coping mechanism of eating my feelings. It was always okay to me through justifying what my body was giving to others through my own loss. My weight wasn't on my list of concerns at the time.

Fast forward to having our rainbow Emie early 2017. I suffered a 43 lb weight loss in the first 9 weeks of her pregnancy due to HG (Hyperemesis Gravidarum), but was able to quickly pack my weight back on thanks to my OBGYN and meds. Weight on, weight off, weight on, weight off sure does wreak havoc. I still hate my body at times despite the beautiful children it has given me. It is so hard to not refer to my own body as wrecked, but I am not sure anything could look the same after what pregnancy sends the body through. so that is the trade off we make. I don't always see myself as beautiful when I look in the mirror, but then those little faces pop into the mirror beside me accompanied by those giggles and my body image seems to become so irrelevant. I often don't even remember what pucker or roll or mark I was eyeing in the mirror, because they flood my vision. It is amazing what parenthood can do both for and against body image.

I bounced back so easily as an 18 year old mother, and even as a 25 year old with my second. However at 30, three times as busy and heartbroken it really was not even on my mind. I felt awful about my clothes not fitting and constant nursing appetite, but it was easy to pass it off as "eating for recipients". Postpartum after my Emie I have adjusted to my weight being the "new me". I had my herniated belly button fixed some months after she was born, because it really left people making comments about me expecting again, though I wasn't. There is no worse a sting about your weight than several people asking about your new pregnancy, right? It feels terrible. Even with a witty comeback you still carry what they said with you. I now have a terrible crooked scar from that surgery and you guessed it, I hate it too. My tummy is riddled with upper Distatsis Recti that won't leave without more extensive surgery and I almost always look bloated and pregnant.

I often convince myself that I should be glad for every bump, mark and scar because I should be. look at the dolls who I brought into this world. Look at Cooper’s legacy I was able to leave with my body. I really had expected to bounce right back, but the unexpected has left me down on myself at times. When I learned about this project and heard Ashlee's story I immediately signed up. It all hits home with me on so many levels. I need to love me. I'm more than this wrecked body. I know it isn't all that I am. although it does take reminding constantly, I just need look at all its given me. In a sense our pregnancies trade our bodies for the new life we hope to bring into the world. In saying that, I would gladly trade my shape, skin, and breasts for them. I would make that trade a million times over in a hundred other lifetimes.

I am not just a wrecked under cared for body. I would tell me today that you are not a pant size, and your not a fit that can be bought just anywhere. You are not your measurements. I would tell me today that all the love of your girls and Cooper would supersede what you fit into, and what you feel good/bad wearing. I would tell a new parent, that time is fleeting and its too beautiful of a time to be worried about your size or stretch marks, bumps or puckers. You can fix those things later, but your babies are only babies once.

I am here because even though I still am working on self love daily within me, I have so many reasons to love myself. I may not be the smaller me I was, and I may never be her again, but my children were so worth it. I want other parents to know their baby's were all worth the exchanges that were made. From lifestyle, body, habits, every change was worth them and their existence no matter the stint of our pregnancies, or the length of their lives.”

Hannah Holdsworth

Hannah Holdsworth, Walter (5), and Hugo (18 months)

When Hannah was young she was told that she might have a hard time getting pregnant because of the tilt of her uterus. She's since learned that this is a very common thing and is not sure why the doctor would have said this to her and it has proved to be the opposite of true. She became pregnant unexpectedly before she had the wherewithal to take care of a child and chose to terminate the pregnancy. "The thought of it makes me sad but I can't say I regret it. Knowing how challenging being a mother can be I am not sure how I would have taken care of a child then".

She has always wanted to be a mother but it's not something she spent a lot of time thinking about or planning for. She got pregnant the first month they tried and was really hoping to have an unmedicated natural birth with her first. She labored naturally for about 20 hours but found being in the hospital really tough and was not comfortable at all. She panicked once she hit transition and though her doula told her it wouldn't be much more time, she didn't believe her. Her contractions were right on top of each other leaving her no space to catch her breath. The doctor administering the epidural was very rude and lectured her about how this was, "good medicine," when she expressed her disappointment at needing it. He was so rude the nurses got cross with him and he eventually left.

Less than an hour later she was fully dilated and ready to push.  She pushed for 3 hours but was so tired. "Wally was born with a vacuum assist. He had a bruise on his head but other than that a perfect little Christmas elf (he was born on Christmas day). The nurses in the hospital were amazing and everyone worked with us so we could leave the hospital after just 1 day instead of 2". Hannah bonded with Wally without problems but also developed a fair amount of anxiety postpartum. She met with a therapist and just hearing how normal everything she was experiencing was helped a ton. Breastfeeding went really well and she was even able to donate a lot of milk to another baby in Brooklyn. Wally weaned (for the most part) when she was pregnant with Hugo of his own accord right around his 3rd birthday.

Pregnancy with Hugo was a surprise. "It was wonderful because it took the question out of finding the perfect time to have another. My son knew I was pregnant and asked to see the baby inside me before we had told anyone. I am kind of convinced he willed his little brother into existence". Hannah decided to have a home birth with Hugo because she knew the hospital had made her uncomfortable the first time. Labor with Hugo lasted all day but with strong contractions about 10/15 minutes apart. They got closer together at about 8:30pm and he was born at 10:06pm. "It was the most wonderful, manageable labor anyone could ask for. And I was so happy to be in my bedroom with my husband that night and to have Wally asleep in the room next door. It was an incredibly cozy experience and one that felt very healing to me. Breastfeeding came easily again. I still have anxiety but no where near as much as after having my first".

"Even though I find myself critical of my own body, I feel very strongly that a woman's body should be celebrated. I think we should do away with the concept and phrase, "bouncing back." I think a woman is forever changed after pregnancy and/or giving birth so there is no real going back - and any emphasis should be on her emotional wellbeing and not on her body! I think a lot of women have little idea what to expect after giving birth and the more we all share the better. So many feelings and emotions are normal and if we don't all talk about them it makes it so much harder".

Ashley Urbanick-Miley

The amazing Ashley Urbanick-Miley, Dylan (4) and Ellie (8 weeks).

Ashley went into her first pregnancy open minded that her doctor would listen to her desires and support her, while guiding her through the process of pregnancy and birth. Unfortunately, things didn't go quite as she'd hoped. Once Ashley's labor began and she arrived at the hospital, she was hooked up to an IV and made to lie down to labor on her back. While her labor progressed fairly quickly, she was given an episiotomy without prior consent and developed a 4th degree tear. Ashley's postpartum period and path to healing was both long and difficult. She didn't want to leave her bed with her baby for her first two months and dealt with depression she feels was directly related. Ashley's milk supply was also affected and her sex life was greatly impacted as it was two years before she was comfortable enough to feel good about things. She feels very fortunate to have connected with a group of women who were able to donate milk to Dylan and helped her to realize that as horrible as things had been, she wasn't alone. 

Going into her second pregnancy, Ashley was worried about tearing again but knew that she wanted to give birth at home with a midwife. Her pregnancy progressed well and she carried two weeks post dates before going into labor. Ashley's husband arrived home from work at around 11:30pm and her daughter was born, into his arms, just an hour later before her doula and midwife had a chance to get there. While Ashley tore a little bit, her midwife was able to stitch her up at home and her recovery has been so much easier than with her first. She has been able to focus on and connect with her daughter in these early weeks with clarity. Breastfeeding is going well; mentally and physically she just feels so much better. 

Talking about the benefits of milk sharing and the realities of vaginal tearing were both very important topics for Ashley to address in sharing her story. She was afraid to talk about it for quite some time after Dylan was born, and couldn't do so without crying, but over time she has found an amazing community of women online willing to share their experiences. That honesty and openness in motherhood is so beneficial to us all.