Cheyenne Rager (26 - she/her), Rowen (4), Hollace (2), currently 30 weeks pregnant
Annapolis, MD {Virtual session captured FaceTime}
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
Parenthood has impacted my body image drastically. I’ve never been comfortable in my skin really, at least there isn’t a time I can look back and remember liking the way I looked. I’ve never been more than average, I never fit that horrible description that we are so often told is beautiful. Through my first pregnancy I felt incredible and loved seeing my body change to accommodate a baby. For the first time I felt empowered in my appearance.
Then I had my son and I wasn’t prepared for the way I’d look and feel afterwards. My mental health took a dive and I lost weight fast, not in a good way or for good reasons. But I was smaller so in my mind, I looked better so it was fine. Then I very soon got pregnant with my second and watching my body change that time was way harder. After having him I instantly dropped all of the weight and then some. I became so crippled with anxiety that I could hardly eat. I was the smallest I had been since high school and at the time I still hated the way I looked. But seeing pictures of myself now back then I think how incredible I looked, but then my stomach turns because I remember the way I was feeling inside.
All of my second sons second year I spent working on myself, my anxiety, my mind- healing myself from the inside. I got pregnant at the end of last year and to say my body image is 100% positive would be a lie. But I feel that I have come so far in the way I feel about myself. Accepting myself and meeting myself where I am instead of longing for something different. Since becoming pregnant the first time my body has been up and down several times, therefore so has my body image. But along with all of that came a real journey of self love!
What was your postpartum experience?
I’ve dealt with general anxiety my whole life, but for it to get so much worse as I transitioned into parenthood was something I didn’t anticipate. I had a great labor and delivery with my first, and I was totally confident I could take care of a baby- I’d been around kids as long as I could remember. But this baby was different, he was excessively fussy and colicky, he cried non stop, we struggled big time. My husband went back to work and I literally didn’t think I was going to survive. It was one day, hour, breath at a time. Being a military family, we didn’t have the village that I so desperately needed. It was just the three of us, and it really took a toll on me not to have any real outside support. It felt like no one understood.
It wasn’t until about 9 months postpartum when I decided I needed some help, so I scheduled an appointment with a therapist. It helped me a lot to have someone on the outside to talk to and work through my struggles with. I thought I was finally starting to chip away at some of the real problems when I got pregnant again. Although it was a very much wanted pregnancy, when it became real I was absolutely terrified. I felt I wasn’t even able to figure out yet how to be a decent mom a year into being one, how was I supposed to take care of two little ones?
I had another great birth the second time, but the year to follow was what broke me. I literally became completely consumed and overwhelmed by my anxiety, I felt paralyzed. And I let that go for an entire year, just struggling to keep my head above water. It was almost his first birthday when I decided with my therapist and midwife it was time to try a serotonin inhibitor. That was when things changed forever. The medication allowed me to see clearly for the first time in years, and I was able to dig deep and work on myself and truly work on healing and restoring my mind and body. It was a really hard few years for me in a lot of ways, but it chewed me up and spit me out a completely different person, and I am so thankful and such a better person for it.
Shortly after having my second we decided we wouldn’t have any more. But as we neared his second birthday our hearts changed and we decided to try and get pregnant again, and we quickly did. I was able to taper off of my meds fully by 20 weeks, and I am still feeling a million times better in my mental space than I ever thought would be possible. As nervous as I feel some days for the postpartum period this time and what’s to come, I know I’ll get through It. I have the tools now and whatever happens, I’ll be okay!
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
My biggest advice would be to ask for help way before I did. Don’t let things get to the point where you are gasping for air before realizing things need to change. It’s not selfish to take time for yourself, and it isn’t weak to seek therapy or medication- in my case it was life saving.
How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?
What a strange time this has been! Having two really wild and rambunctious little boys, used to being out and doing things and keeping busy, the beginning was really hard. Having to explain why things were closed and cancelled, why their grandparents or friends couldn’t visit and why we couldn’t travel- it felt really heavy and daunting. I’m so thankful they are resilient and forgiving, and as time went on it got easier. Being military kids they have always had to just go with the flow, so of course this was an adjustment, but they did well with it for the most part. We have been able to spend really precious and intentional time together as a family of 4 before our new baby comes.
Feeling the most confident and able I ever have in pregnancy, it’s been sad to miss out on a lot of things we wanted to do this spring. We haven’t seen our families since Christmas time which was when we told them about us being pregnant. So it’s crazy to think we might not see them again until the baby is here with us. One thing is for sure and it’s that I’ve never been more grateful for our wellness. Also for the means to hire a home birth midwife and have this baby in our own space and not have to travel to the birth center. This was a decision we came to mid pregnancy and it has truly put us so much more at ease with the climate of the medical centers right now. We are excited to have our boys here with us to welcome their new little sibling, so that part of it has been a huge blessing.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I was freshly postpartum for the first time when I found the 4th Trimester Bodies Project, and reading the stories of parents from all over made me feel like I wasn’t alone. All of the joys and all of the struggles often brought me to tears. The solidarity I felt was incredible and I had always dreamed I could be apart of that some day. Pregnancy, birth, postpartum, parenthood, support, advocacy, education, empowerment- it’s all so important to me. I became a doula and birth keeper to help as many I as possibly can on this journey. To be a part of the village for others that I didn’t have when I first became a parent. This movement is and always will be so important to me.