Kim Stumbo (37 - she/her), Ethan (11), Harrison (7.5), and Dean (4.5)
Washington, DC
“I have had 2 losses. My first was when my oldest was just 14 months old and we weren't actively trying. It was a huge surprise, I was ecstatic and scared to be pregnant again! I immediately called my dad, grandparents and best friends. I went to the doctors to get the official test done. It was then, that she asked what day I had taken the home pregnancy test, she said my levels were very low per what my last menstrual cycle was, she said I was at risk for a miscarriage. I left feeling defeated yet, determined that I wouldn't lose it. We had family photos done at Sears (pre planned) that evening and it was my plan to announce this surprise pregnancy via our Christmas card. That night I started bleeding. It was confirmed the next day, I had lost the pregnancy. I still look at that photo and feel the disappointment and sadness from the events that followed even with the huge smiles on our faces.
My next loss occurred after my youngest was born. He was a 28 week preemie, and spent 74 days in the NICU. After his birth I was told I would have to have another c-section if I became pregnant. We were done, we didn’t want to risk my health, having had pre-ecclampsia with all 3 pregnancies, and risk having another preemie. So my husband scheduled his vasectomy. It was scheduled for a Friday, and on Monday that week I found out I was pregnant, my youngest was 2 1/2 at the time. I was kind of excited because I was hoping this time, I would have the pregnancy and delivery I envisioned. And it would help me recover from the trauma of my last birth. Nope, it wasn’t meant to be. Thursday I started bleeding and went to the OB/GYN she confirmed I had lost the pregnancy. Friday I sat with my husband as he got his vasectomy done.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I use to worry more about my limb difference before having children, and when I was a new mom. Until I realized that my limb difference was truly what made me a better mom/parent. My experiences, my understanding of things outside of the norm have helped me raise my boys to be more compassionate, accepting and overall good human beings.
I realized that my body is pretty awesome, perfectly imperfect in every way!
What was your postpartum experience?
My postpartum journey was vastly different each time. With my first child, I was overwhelmed, insecure and lonely. My mother had passed away 7 years before I had my oldest son. I lost her when I was just 18 years old. She was my rock, the one who always encouraged me and made me confident regarding my limb difference. Loosing her when I was essentially still a child affected me for a very long time. I got married and had my babies without her.
As most new moms, we rely on the support of our own moms or mother figures. I didn’t have that, I was scared, doubted my ability to be a good mom because of my limb difference. What had I just brought this innocent baby into? I knew I was strong, but it was hidden under the grief of being a motherless daughter. I struggled with breastfeeding, felt like a failure when I had to go to formula after just 5 days. I was hyper vigilant watching him nonstop so scared something would happen. I wore myself down, cried a lot the first couple weeks and doubted everything. Eventually I got through it, though I probably had an undiagnosed bout of PPD. As he grew that first year I gained more confidence in my abilities.
After a couple years and a move to Virginia, from New York where we were stationed at the time, we had another child. This time I was closer to my Dad, who lived in NC about 3 hrs away. My dad was my confidence booster. Always telling me what a great mom I was. How proud my mom would be/was of me and he was there to help me while my husband was out to sea. My pregnancy was good just like my first one no complications until the pre-eclampsia came about. Again, just like my first, I had him a little early, 38 weeks, my first was 37.5. After the birth, I recovered well, felt good and moved through the newborn stage with ease. I didn’t stress myself over trying to breastfeed this time, I couldn’t put myself through that again. My doctors and husband supported my exclusive bottle feeding and my son was the best baby. I enjoyed my time, even with a toddler running around I felt confident.
My final birth and postpartum experience threw me for a loop. I was 32 when my youngest was born. The previous two I had in my 20’s, 26 and 29 years old. We had been trying for several months before I finally conceived. I found out I was pregnant in June 2014. My world would forever change from that moment forward. My father had moved in with me and my family the month before. I was excited to have him with us, I was an only child and my mom was already gone. My dad was a wonderful grandaddy to my boys. So it was great to have him with us full time! After finding out I was pregnant, we were all excited!
Though, I had a cloud over my head, my dearest cousin was home on hospice, he was dying of AIDS. I had spoken with him planning on coming to see him later that week, we thought we had more time. Unfortunately we lost him very soon after, I also didn’t tell him I was pregnant. It hurt me that I didn’t get to tell him, he loved my boys fiercely, and was very special to me. I was only about 7-8 weeks along when I got the call that he had passed. That same day, in the evening, I got a call from my beloved Meemaw (Grandmother), she had been diagnosed with cancer. My world, my heart, everything broke down. I would go on to move both my grandparents in with me from NC to VA and care for my Meemaw while she was on hospice with metastatic bone cancer. We lost her September 14, 2014, her 83rd birthday.
Approximately 10 weeks later I would find myself in the hospital with early onset pre-eclampsia. I would spend 8 days in the hospital regulating my blood pressure and watching my vitals along with my unborn baby. December 1st, 2014 was the day they took him. In a crazy whirlwind of nurses, I was rushed to the OR for an emergency cesarean, my son’s heart rate dropped to 50 and wasn’t coming up, they lost it briefly on the monitors. He needed to be taken out right then. My husband, thankfully was already with me that day. I tried to remain calm, listen to everything they were telling me, process what was about to happen, and I think I did for the most part. But that’s what I do, I go through the motions.
We then spent 74 days in the NICU, growing from his birth weight of 2lbs 12oz to 6lbs 2oz at discharge. We went through him being on a ventilator for the first almost 3 weeks of his life to coming home on minimal oxygen support. We survived the typical preemie issues, forgetting to breathe while eating, hernia repair and delayed milestones. But, he overcame everything. I went through the motions, didn’t realize I needed help till he was 6 months old. I was diagnosed with PPD and treated this time. But, medication didn’t fix everything. It wasn’t till he 2-3 years old that I finally dealt with the trauma from his birth, the grief I experienced during his pregnancy with the loss of my loved ones, which continued with the loss of my father when my youngest was just 14 month old.
My postpartum recovery lasted for years. And only now can I look back and see where it all piled up, where being strong for so long broke me down. I had the right to grieve the losses of my loved ones, to grieve the loss of my last trimester of pregnancy, to allow myself to mentally recover from the trauma of an emergency cesarean, premature birth and NICU stay. I just didn’t, not then, but I have since then, and it has made all the difference.
What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
1.Don't ever doubt yourself, you can and will do things you way AND that is perfect.
2. You are the best mother for your children.
3. Don't base you self worth on what society says you have to be.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I have followed this movement since 2014, and was moved by the stories and representation. All the similarities and differences between the mothers/parents that connect us as a whole.
I also was moved to participate to include mothers with differences and disabilities. Growing up I never saw a mother like myself with a limb difference. Or really any mom's with a disability of any kind. I knew they existed, I just never saw one represented anywhere.
I knew I wanted to be that example for the kids and other adults who were different. Who questioned whether they would have these basic wants, to find love, have a family. I want to be who I needed to see when I was a kid. Does someone like me exist? Has someone like me had what I desperately wanted? I have made it my purpose to be that, to be seen and to share my stories, both triumphs and trials. We are here to learn and grow, what better way to do that than to share our lives and see we really aren't so different?
As a means to help spread my story as a limb different parent I wrote and published my first book “The Adventures of The One Arm Wondermom” in March 2018. I share not just my story, but that of my 3 amazing boys and how we turn differences/disabilities into our superpowers!
You can get your copy here.
