Meghan (38 - she/her) and Dustin (36 - he/him). Parents to twins Jane Mae and David Edgar (would be 5 months old)
Philadelphia, PA
Meghan shares -
“We have had a long ongoing journey to start our family. We had an early pregnancy loss 3 years ago, then started our IVF journey. We had an ectopic pregnancy in the summer of 2018, which involved a surgery and methotrexate. When we were cleared for another round of IVF, we were thrilled to find out I was pregnant with our rainbow twins. Unfortunately, I went into preterm labor at just shy of 20 weeks and there were no interventions possible. David was born first, early on April 7 at 8:12 am and we had 30 joyful minutes before he passed away in our arms. We tried to see if I could keep Jane from delivering, but unfortunately I had severe bleeding and she was born less than 4 hours later at 11:23 am. I needed blood transfusions and my uterus was accidentally perforated, but this wasn’t discovered right away. I was very sick overnight and then had emergent surgery the next morning where they found the perforation. It was a large surgery because they were afraid they hit my bowel. Thankfully they didn’t. I had to be readmitted with fevers and they discovered I had retained placenta, as well. I’ve had 2 more surgeries this year, but we just recently have been cleared to try again for our “double rainbow” baby. I’m still hopeful.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I’m a parent to my twins, but while they aren’t physically with us, my scars are a physical and tangible reminder that they lived, however briefly, and it wasn’t just in our imaginations. I have struggled with my body this last year. I’ve reveled in being pregnant and getting larger, then cursed my body and its inability to keep them here longer. I’ve enjoyed my increasing bra size, then cried as I lactated for a month after they were gone. More recently I’ve been trying to love my body more by going to Pilates, acupuncture and massaging my scars. I’ve started to recognize how strong my body is as I feel my muscles tightening again. And I am in awe of my uterus’s ability to miraculously heal itself (even surprising my OBGYN.)
What was your postpartum experience?
There was both a physical and emotional toll that Jane and David’s delivery has taken. Initially it was recovering from a major abdominal surgery after nearly dying. This morphed into fear when I found out I had retained placenta and the choice to do more surgery or watchful waiting. We went for no surgery, but this brought more fear. Fear of infection, fear of hemorrhage, fear of needing a hysterectomy, fear that I had a placenta accreta. As the weeks turned into months and the ultrasounds seemed more stable, there was fear of being able to safely attempt pregnancy again. Then I had severe abdominal pain, which turned out to be caused by my gallbladder (it’s common to get cholecystitis postpartum), but needed another surgery. This became an almost comical distraction. And then in preparation for a uterine resection, I had a miraculous MRI. I learned firsthand of the power of time and our body to heal itself. As my body healed though, my heart was broken and the emotional toll started to reveal itself. Postpartum depression affects you even if your babies aren’t here. So I’m learning to live and grieve. I have a wonderful husband, family and our monthly grief support group. I still cry and have difficult days, but have come a long way since April. I’m hopeful and ready to start our next phase in this journey next week.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Take a deep breath, be present in the moment, and be aware of your inner strength.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I wanted a way to look back on our year and remember. To realize how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown and healed. My body has been a large portion of that and I thought a photograph would be a helpful reminder of my strength and courage. I also feel that through my loss I can help teach others that pregnancy and parenthood come in many forms and can be a mix of joy and sadness. I want people to be less fearful of talking about pregnancy loss. I thought this was one public way that I could contribute to a dialogue about pregnancy loss and maybe comfort others going through a similar journey.
Dustin shares -
(We’ve had a) spontaneous trisomy that never showed signs of a heartbeat, a pregnancy of unknown location, and our Twins at just prior to 20 weeks. They have all been tough to process, but the official explanation that "twins are high risk" has been hardest to deal with for me. They were so small and here with us for such a short time, but I have been forever changed by them. The world is in some ways duller, but in others it is filled with so much more light. They are incredible.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I'm finally trying to get healthy again after neglecting health in general after April. Our loss made me so angry, that I certainly took that out on my body image for months. I saw my weight gain and loss of muscle as a continuation of my feeling as a failure. With better ways to manage my grief, I've found a restored desire to take care of myself, if for no other reason than to be attractive for my partner again. On the other hand, I have loved my partner's body throughout. It is a literal reminder of how dedicated and amazing of a parent she is going to be, however we eventually grow our family.
What was your postpartum experience?
Depression, loneliness, and overwhelming anger. So much that I was afraid of it for the first time since I was a teenager experiencing it in all its significance for the first time. Through the support of the UNITE group, I've embraced that anger and rechanneled it into a deeper appreciation of humanity and an ability to be honest with my fellow humans, even when it hurts.
What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
So many things can't be planned or controlled, but they can be lived. Slow down and remember how to truly appreciate the little things.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I only just heard about it two days ago, but I could tell my partner wanted to participate and I think it's a great way to remember our twins and capture where our bodies are now. Especially as we continue our fertility journey and need to rely on our bodies again to help us.