Casey Newman

Casey Newman (35) Charlotte (5) and Ellie (11 months)

Akron, OH

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

“My body image has always been an issue, but not for the reasons most people think. I was born at 28 weeks, so I have always been thin. My thinness combined with the medical evaluations you have to go through as a preemie kid made me think I was different than my peers. I always thought I had a defective body to some degree as I struggled with muscle stiffness, spasticity and coordination at times.

As an adult, I’ve had countless people remark about my thinness, which, if you hear it enough, makes you think maybe you do look weird or maybe something is wrong with you. I thought my defective body wouldn’t allow me to get pregnant or give birth the way I wanted. When I was pregnant with Charlotte, I kept waiting for something horrible to happen because my body wasn’t like everyone else’s and surely it would reject this child growing inside me. I read all the pregnancy things and would get irritated when they all said “trust your body” or “your body knows how to do this.” Not me. Not my body.

After she was born, my body felt weird to me. It was soft and stretched and stuff hurt that didn’t hurt before. It seemed as if I now had this alien body. I had a cesarean scar, a pooch above that scar, stretched out skin, a bent tailbone and terrible pelvic floor pain.

When I got pregnant with Ellie, I was again met with the “you’re so small,” etc. comments. Throughout that pregnancy I was terrified I wouldn’t gain enough weight, and was on the verge of a panic every time I stepped on the scale at my appointments. I gained more weight than I did with my first daughter, but still felt like it wasn’t enough. I went into labor on my own and had a VBAC with Ellie and I wish I could have "trusted my body." It seemed to know what it was doing, but I spent most of that labor and delivery frozen in panic and that's something I regret.

Sometimes I look at my girls and it doesn’t seem like they came from me. I grew them and birthed them — at full term and they’re healthy — and I can’t believe it. But then I look at them and they look just like me. Little and badass. And I’m going to make sure they know how badass they are.

That Shakespeare line “though she be but little, she is fierce” always annoyed me. She is fierce. So what if she’s little?

Feel free to share your postpartum journey.
When I was pregnant with my first daughter, I thought I’d go into labor by myself, get an epidural, push the baby out, take her home, she’d sleep a lot, and it wouldn’t be hard at all. My experience was pretty much the polar opposite of that. I had to be induced. I had an unwanted cesarean. I felt like I failed as a birthing woman and that my body had let me down because I needed a cesarean. Breastfeeding sucked (and hurt). And my baby would not stop crying.

All these things combined to hit me with brutal postpartum depression. I wanted to give my baby back to whatever force gave her to me because this was all a massive mistake and I couldn’t do it. There were times where I just laid on the floor sobbing, certain that I’d ruined my life. When I wasn’t crying, I was resenting my baby, wanting to put her in the kitchen cupboard for just one second of peace and quiet. I was afraid to be left alone with her because I had no idea how to care for her, and I was certain that my resentment and lack of baby knowledge would somehow permanently screw her up.

During my second pregnancy I was fully prepared to feel like that again. Except I didn’t. I wasn’t sad, I didn’t cry a lot, and I didn’t feel like I made a mistake. This time I was angry. Not just your normal anger, but throw things, slam doors screaming rage. I thought this was just a normal part of having two kids and being stressed, but no. It turns out that this too is a symptom of postpartum depression.

No one talks about postpartum stuff. We’re all supposed to be glowing, happy people snuggling sleeping babies, and when it doesn’t go that way it’s easy to feel like you fucked up. But the truth is, we’ve all experienced some postpartum issue, we just don’t realize how common it is because we’re all keeping quiet to preserve that super mom image. I’m not a super mom, and I’m okay with that.

Both of my pregnancies and births have turned me into an advocate. Looking back on my first birth, and speaking with other women, I realized that we all in some small way — and for some women very large ways — have been disrespected, brushed off, not listened to during pregnancy and labor. I want people to know this happens to practically every person who has been or is pregnant and I want it to change.

Pregnant people are not walking lawsuits, and our babies do not carry more weight than we do. We are human, we deserve respectful care, we deserve to be heard, we deserved to be trusted, and I want to help make that happen.

What is your truth? 

I want my former self (and new parents) to know that you're a badass, you're stronger than you think. It doesn't feel like it, but you are. You're doing it. It sucks sometimes and you feel shitty, but you're did it and you're doing it. And also, you'll get through it. If you're laying on the ground sobbing or you want to give your kid back, you'll get through it. You can do it.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I've been following this project since I had my first daughter. I'd sit at my desk on my lunch break and look at the pictures of women whose bodies were not on the covers of magazines and read the stories I'd feel better about myself. I want to share my story because I want other parents to know that whatever you're going through it's okay. I want to make a change. I want people who give birth to be treated with respect. I want my daughters to know how strong they are. I'm also hoping to see myself in a different light. My body has done a lot for me, but I still find myself focusing on what it can't or doesn't do.”

Andrea Brown

Andrea Brown (33) and Rowan (6 months)

Minneapolis, MN

Andrea shares -

“Regular physical activity and a strong yoga practice have been critical in helping me overcome an eating disorder and maintain a positive body image and self-love. Loving my sexual parts has also been a journey due to misinformation I received as a girl on what normal sexually mature female anatomy looks like (hint- its not the same as a prepubescent girl.)

When my pregnancy (vulvar varicosities and pubic symphysis dysfunction) and birth (forceps and episiotomy) went very differently than I'd hoped, I was unable to be physically active for many months. I've suffered trauma to my pelvic floor and perineum that I'm still working hard to recover from 7 months later. The path of parenthood has revealed to me the conditional nature with which I've held regard for myself and has blown open the work I still need to do to love and accept myself without condition, with softness and respect for this human body that will continue to age and change.

My postpartum journey continues to unfold every day. I’ve adjusted to my increased need for self-care by taking more time from work than I thought I was capable of asking for, saying no to things without hesitation or a second-thought, and going to bed earlier than ever. I also spend a lot of time and money finding and working with healers both in my community and online including somatic experience trauma therapy, holistic pelvic care, Mayan abdominal massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, physical therapy, herbal medicine, and energy work. This 4th Trimester Bodies Project is another example of my investing in my postpartum healing and reclamation. I never expected to be going through such a deep transformation and reckoning with myself.

When I transferred to the hospital after 5 hours of pushing at home, I told my home birth midwife who came with us that I was sure I did not want an episiotomy. When given the choice between a cesarean, forceps, or a vacuum, I did not receive information on the varying complications or healing scenarios associated with each and wasn't in the mental space at that time to ask what might be in store for me after the birth, as a woman with a passion for sex and movement. I felt like avoiding a cesarean was the best thing I could do for my baby, and opted for forceps because I was told these were going to be easier on the baby.

I didn't find out until I was holding him (before he was taken to the NICU) that I had been given an episiotomy along with the forcep intervention. And I didn't find out until I was home a week later that the episiotomy was performed in a 'medial lateral' fashion (at a 90 degree angle), that would take a second surgery and 7 months-and-counting to heal. I deserved better advocacy from my midwife, better information from the obstetrician, and better pregnancy and postpartum care from everyone.

Given the full story, I would have made a choice that would have worked for me and our baby. Instead, I have had a long road of recovery - both physically and emotionally, as I work to forgive the body and care professionals whom I feel let me down. My body is forever changed by my childbirth experience and I strive to work through my feelings of violation so that I may heal my scars with love and care. The best medicine during moments of deep sadness has been prolonged eye contact with my baby, Rowan and partner, Brady. This reminds me of my wholeness, my beauty, and my blessings.

I chose the path of an unmedicated home birth because I wanted to meet myself as a laboring woman, as a birthing woman, and as a new mother, without interruption or interference. It didn't work out the way I imagined, and I am meeting myself now as a woman in recovery. It is not easy, but I am finding my strength and voice from this tender and holy place.

We grow our strength and self-healing power from the extent to which we can open to our vulnerability and face that which is. As much as my ego would like for me to be perceived as someone who is inviolate, the truth is that pregnancy and childbirth has been a process of deep healing for me. I am here to take my place alongside my sisters who have also struggled, to be seen and accepted as I am. And to say with love and compassion and deep respect, I see and love you, too.”

Lindsay Bonnar

Lindsay Bonnar (36), Charlie (4) and Linken (16mo)

Wyoming | West Salem, WI

Lindsay shares -

“Pregnancy was a bit hard for me from a body image standpoint, but I think it is mostly because I am a fitness trainer. I don't just gain a belly, I gain ALL over. It wasn't until my third trimester with both babies that I felt like I look pregnant versus just fat.

Postpartum with Charlie I was in such bliss that I barely noticed that I wasn't losing weight quickly. I had better things to do but I am not a mama who loses weight breastfeeding. I gain. I was back up to almost birth weight with both of my kids in the few early months after they were born. My second postpartum was a different story all together. It was summer this time and NONE of my clothes fit and I struggled in many ways. I am still working and learning to embrace the changes that have been made.

There are many things I have leaned on over the past year and these two things standout as something helped me a lot mentally. One is what Birthfit teaches about how motherhood leaves behind the Princess and you become a Queen.

The other was a podcast I got hooked on when pregnant with Linken called The Birthful Podcast. The host on there says all the time that "The topography changes" and I love this. Birth is so amazing and I marvel at the wonders of the female body and the fact that we were created for this! It seems silly now to try to think about chasing the body that was before this crazy and life-altering experience. But I had to do A LOT of head-word to arrive in this place. And it is ongoing.

I have learned and worked very hard in my life to release all expectations, which frees you from disappointment and allows me to experience things as they are. I really didn't have any set expectations for either of my babies journey. But it is something I marvel at, how different both pregnancies were and how different both postpartum experiences were. I felt like my journey into motherhood with my oldest was almost easy. Something I felt like I could do well.

When my second baby called me, what I was nervous about how was in the world I was ever going split the love I felt for my daughter. After a bit of a crazy and intense birth, I can remember vividly looking at my little man laying on the bed next to me and literally feeling my heart grow. Like he grew his own personal space there. I am so beyond grateful for this experience!

I was never diagnosed with Postpartum Depression, but looking back I almost certainly had it. I woke each morning consumed with overwhelm about how to handle both kids, even if it were only for a couple of hours at the end of the day. I cried almost daily, I barely remember the first 6 months of my little mans life. I hardly have any photos of him, let alone of us together. And they weight didn't even start to come off until he was around 6 months old. I ended up with a not just core and pelvic floor dysfunction, but also a prolapsed uterus and bladder. Which as someone who loves to lift weights and exercise, meant I could not use the same outlet I would normally turn to when I felt anxious or depressed. Which further depressed me. I can remember sitting outside in the dirt and just surrendering to God, the amazing power He has and the power from the great earth He created. Begging to help me heal. And while the physical healing has been slow, my heart and my head changed entirely that day. I have slid backwards a few times, but ultimately I realized how much pride and self worth I had wrapped up in my physical strength and abilities. I have since learned that as a woman there is SO MUCH MORE. We are powerful, beautiful and wonderfully made.

I work in health and fitness and have learned that while people come to me to work on their bodies, what most of them really need (and the successful ones end up learning) is that it is more about your HEAD. There is this billboard for plastic surgery that I drive by at least once a week depicting everything wrong with our society and advertising a way to change your "body." This project is the complete and wonderfully REAL antithesis to this. I wanted to be part of this because I try to be a voice of honesty and reality in my field, as a mom and for anyone who will listen to me.”

Cara Kleinfelder

Cara Kleinfelder (30 - currently pregnant) and Maxwell

Oakland, CA

Cara shares -

“I have never had a loving relationship with my body. I’ve picked it apart for years and just hated what I saw in the mirror so much for so long and often still do. But I mostly haven’t minded gaining weight while I am pregnant because I know it is part of the process so I indulge in cravings and eat all the food. When my son was born I was sure I would get back into exercising, which had fallen by the wayside due to sciatic pain and just overall exhaustion from being pregnant.

My son was born via forceps delivery, which caused a pelvic floor injury that made it very uncomfortable for me to run. I tried running several times but just couldn’t do it. After a year I finally was referred to a pelvic floor physical therapist to help me through it and was blown away by the medical bills and never went back. Running was a huge loss for me, but I found that I would generally rather get a little more sleep or spend more time with my family than put aside time to exercise, although I do try to maintain an active lifestyle. I have better health insurance now so I will see where I am at after this pregnancy and may decide to return to physical therapy.

Since becoming a mother, I’ve learned to accept my body in its different forms as it changes from carrying a child to healing from childbirth and breastfeeding. It’s been in a constant cycle of transformation and my weight has fluctuated so much. It took a year to get back to my pre-baby weight and then I cut way back on breastfeeding and I gained a few pounds and then shortly after I stopped breastfeeding I was pregnant again. Knowing the new purpose for my body has helped me to be ok with it because, like motherhood, it always seems to be changing. I will be interested to see how I feel about myself once my child bearing years are through.

I always anticipated that getting pregnant would be a struggle for me because it was a long painful process for my parents. It was something my mother said she wouldn’t wish on her worst enemy. I could foresee years of sadness and lost hope for myself, so the second my husband was on board with trying for a baby I wasted no time because, at 27, I really believed my biological clock was ticking. I feel so incredibly lucky that it was not a challenge for me and that pregnancy was and has been relatively easy so far.

The first 6 weeks postpartum were a blur. My husband returned to work after 2 weeks and I was home alone with my baby and remember how overwhelming it was to even try to leave the house. I couldn't organize my thoughts enough to pack a diaper bag because I felt like I needed to be prepared for every possible situation. I felt so isolated and would just sob because I was so frustrated and depressed.

I finally decided to get myself to the Baby and Me support group offered weekly through my healthcare provider and it truly changed my life. The women and babies I met there are still a huge part of my life. I was able to share my struggles and hear theirs. I learned SO much from them and still rely on them in many ways. I would truly recommend a group like this to anyone who is feeling overwhelmed and isolated after child birth. Having this kind of support saved me from having a much more stressful and lonely postpartum experience.

I wanted to participate in this movement because I always feel empowered and less alone when I see other participants' pictures and read their stories. I also wanted to get a snapshot of this sweet time during my last few months of Maxwell being my only child.

Being a mother has been so much better than I ever could have imagined. Every tough moment is worth it to watch my child grow and to be a part of his journey as he navigates the world.”