Nia Avery

Nia Avery (38 - she/her) and Theodore Salvador Avery Jr. “BoBeaux” (2 months)

New Orleans, LA {Virtual FaceTime session}

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

Initially, I felt like I would never get back to my original body, this was my concern. Although I embraced my pregnancy body, it was tough because, I was accustomed to working out everyday. Once we found out I was pregnant, I began to focus on lessening my workout because I did not want to do anything that could potential harm our son. Now that Theo Jr. is here, I feel more confident than ever. The superficial things that I was concerned about soon faded away. I am back to working out and I am loving my new postpartum body.

What was your postpartum experience?

At now 7 weeks and 1 day postpartum, my experience has been mixed. Initially, we knew that we would stay in the house and focus on bonding with our son. It feels weird with the quarantine that now we must stay indoors and be more careful. It is like if we were free to do everything we normally would do, it would not be as intense, but now we are confined, it makes me think a bit more.

When we first arrived home, I was nervous, as I did not feel like I knew everything that I needed to know. Which I am certain that I knew I would figure it out, I wanted to be sure that I was doing my best. The first week I spent majority of my time taking his temperature, feeding and getting to know him better. As far as my self care, my doula gave me a few tips and pointers. She also initiated a meal train for us, this was so helpful in the first few weeks. Especially since we were not open to receiving visitors, gift card to support local restaurants who were open to take out orders and prepared food was helpful. Initially, I was hyper focused on looking at my body constantly in the mirror, wondering when my stomach would finally retract. Eventually, I received my body-band and this was helpful for back support and allowing my uterus to contract. It was much easier to walk and sit up straight once I started to wear it.

As the weeks went by, I continued to research online about my healing process from a vaginal birth, I decided not to take any pain medication because I thought if I was having any issues, I did not want it to be masked by pain medication. I was also concerned because this was my first birth and I did not know what was normal and what wasn’t with the help of my physician, my doula and dr. google it appeared as if everything was going well. Fortunately, my healing was going as planned. Eventually, I was itching to go outside to experience fresh air and go jogging again. Once I hit my 6 week mark my walking routine began. What I did not realize is that, once I started to jog again that it would feel much different. I am enjoying my postpartum experience. With the concerns of the virus and hesitation every time I am outside, I always attempt to remember the positive side. The point at which I get to spend quality time with my family and myself.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

The truth that I would pass on to my former self and a new parent is to have a supportive team in place and to go with the flow. With all of the research and birth plan I expected to go exactly as planned. However, with all the curved balls presented, I had to remember to go with the flow. For a new parent I would also recommend for them to have a supportive team that is aware of all of your wants and are confident to advocate for you in all aspects. If I did not have such a strong and supportive team I am unsure if I would have been able to go through my birth process naturally. Also, identifying an OB/GYN who is aligned with you short and long term goals are also necessary. My OB/GYN was open and supportive to collaborating with my husband and doula which made it all more helpful.

How has your (pregnancy/birth/postpartum/parenting) been affected by COVID-19?

My pregnancy was affected by COVID-19 in the sense of creating more anxiety around my birth. Days before my pregnancy I was told that my doula would not be able to attend my birth. Fortunately, she was able to attend however rules were changing by the minute. This caused a lot of uncertainty and wonder of what the outcome would be. Fortunately, I had continuous meetings with my Doula and the opportunity to use VR Goggles from Applied VR to assist with meditation, breathing and focus on positive energy.

My birth was affected by COVID-19 because I was confined to my room the entire time. I did not feel comfortable walking around the hospital. I do think although I had a very supportive team and VR Goggles to assist with staying calm and focused. When there is anything that can put you in an uneasy state it has an effect on your body. I was admitted into the hospital Sunday March 22nd and was induced with a Foley Ball which is painful, however I wanted to keep things as natural as possible. I think that with the me knowing that there is a pandemic going on, although I was as relaxed as possible I think that it got in the way of expediting my birth. We constantly revisited options, by Tuesday my son did not come and I was not dilating at the pace they would have preferred. Pitocin was on the table, this is something that I did not want, but I decided to go ahead and agree to a low dosage Wednesday because I did not know if the rules of the hospital would change and I wanted my OB/GYN to be there to deliver our son.

Wednesday my Pitocin started at about 10:30am with a very low dosage, my contractions began, with the VR Goggles, my husband and doula counting the contractions, it appeared that everything was going as planned. Then the pain began to increase and the contractions became almost unbearable. I found out that our son was faced forward. I started to change positions and towards the end I wanted to ask for an epidural but I did not. Finally at 8:11pm I met him, and the next step was to move to our recovery room. Again with the strains on the hospital, we all had our masks on and we were even asked if we wanted to leave the hospital early. I declined, as I wanted to be sure that everything checked out. When my OB/GYN checked me I mentioned to her that I was sore and was not walking she suggested that I stay longer in the hospital. I declined and we checked out Friday, I did not want to be in the hospital knowing that there may be additional exposure to the virus.

My postpartum healing and parenting are being affected by COVID-19 because I am way more cautious about germs, going out and doctor’s visits. I was concerned about our first pediatrician visit and almost canceled it because I did not want to be exposed to anything that may harm our son. Also, my husband was in charge of going to the grocery store and picking up food. We implemented additional daily routines, and several more showers.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I decided to participate because I think that we do not talk enough and share enough stories. I think that this is a great platform to continue to inform parent(s) about the process. Especially during this time of uncertainty. We are also making history, I am excited to be able to add value during this time to assist other individuals who may have concerns. I am hoping that sharing my story will help them throughout their journey. I’ve been following this movement for almost a month and the stories have helped me throughout my journey, and I am looking forward to paying it forward by assisting others with their journey. Also, I love art and specifically photography as a medium. To me this is also a point in time to record where I am in life and owning my new body with confidence. I would have never thought to take a photo publicly showing my body, however, it may be motivations for others to own their bodies and have love for their body just the way it is.

Elizabeth and Nicole Russell

Elizabeth Russell (35 - she/her). wife Nicole Russell (35 - she/her) and Emmett (5.5 months - they/them)

New Mexico | Maryland

Elizabeth shares -

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I have a trauma history dating back pretty far and from that an eating disorder that I thought wrecked my body and ability to have children. Before having my son I always looked at my body with a lot of fear but, now, post birth, I'm able to simply observe my body and be amazed at the life it has created. I have a cesarean scar and a postpartum pouch right now, but that's not where my focus goes. Instead I see the part of my body that carried my son, with wonder and grace.

What was your postpartum experience?

Initially everything sort of flowed. I healed from my cesarean fairly seamlessly and I was able to navigate new mom-hood with my wife without too many issues. I wasn't expecting the anxiety I started to experience when I returned to work, or needing to take medication for it, however. Thankfully I'm pretty aware of my own internal state so I didn't go months with this anxiety that had me leaving work immediately, but it is still hard to accept that that was help I needed.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

Your own childhood does not define your ability to be a parent or your capacity to meet your child’s needs.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

Bodies are fucking amazing and the fact that my body grew and housed such an fascinating little human is something I will always be most proud of.

Nicole shares -

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

One of my first memories is a 3-year-old me thinking that I was fat. I have always judged my body and developed an eating disorder partly because of my dissatisfaction, and spent much of my early-mid twenties in and out of treatment. In 2011, I was in a serious car accident that left me with an abdominal scar, and another surgery scar was added in 2015. My body’s ability to heal fascinated me and gave me a bit of a different perspective.

While I still don't love my body, the older I've gotten, the less important it is to be "perfect." My wife loves me as I am and Emmett doesn't care what my body looks like. Being a good mom is more important than worrying about my body's scars and imperfections. Somehow, I don’t feel the same pressure I felt in my twenties to have a perfect body. Plus, the amount of effort and time it took to obsessively restrict my food and lose weight 10-15 years ago just wouldn’t be possible now.

It's important for me to not pass on body image issues to Emmett because I don't ever want him to judge himself the way that I've judged myself. I want to teach him that his body is amazing and his own.

What was your postpartum experience?

While I didn't physically carry Emmett, adding a new member to the family is a big adjustment. The three of us were home together for 12 weeks and it was great to spend that time together, but then Sarah went back to work and we went back to “real life.” I've sometimes gotten down on myself for not being able to calm Emmett fast enough, or wondered if I'm doing a good job.

I've always wanted to be a mom but didn't carry, and occasionally feel a bit jealous that my wife's DNA is a part of him. Sometimes I worry that the connection between me and Emmett won't be as strong because we're not biologically related, but then he smiles at me with his big eyes and I know that he knows I'm his mom.

I'm the stay at home parent and sometimes (or a lot of the time) it's exhausting taking care of a tiny person! Emmett is a loud baby and is in a squealing/screaming stage. I’m a quiet person who gets overwhelmed with noise so I need time to myself some days. It’s ok - and healthy - to not LOVE being a parent 24/7. It’s not always fun but I'm so glad this is our family now.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

It's definitely okay to not have all the answers! Google is not always your friend and will only make you paranoid as a new parent. Mistakes happen - you'll bump your kids' head on something or accidentally cut his finger with nail clippers - but it's somehow a weird rite of passage.

It’s also okay to not be totally happy with your body, but live life anyway! I wasted so much time trying to achieve the impossible. There was always something to change before I could be satisfied. Looking back, there was nothing wrong with my body then.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I wanted to participate as a challenge to myself and to capture our family right now. When I read others’ stories and see their pictures, I only see their positives. Being vulnerable is terrifying but it’s ultimately what connects us as humans.

It's also important for others to see LGBTQ+ families who look just like everyone else. Some people have demonized the LGBTQ+ community but we're just like them; we just happen to love a little differently.

Maggie Roth

Maggie Roth (34 - she/her) and Bodhi (16 mo)

Boston, MA

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I spent 33 years getting to know and love my body. Some days were easier than others, but for the most part I felt strong and sexy in my body. Birth blew that all up. It felt like my body let me down. It couldn’t birth the baby and then couldn’t feed the baby. I couldn’t walk down the block for months. My hair was falling out. I hated my body and was so angry. Why was this happening to me? Why did my husband get to escape the raw physicality of pregnancy and childbirth? I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. It’s gotten better with time. I’m not quite at “strong and sexy,” but I can do a backbend in yoga class. I can carry my baby. I have no residual pain, internally or externally, at my scar. I can look in the mirror and feel grateful that my body healed. It’s only been 16 months, but I’m slowly getting to know this new body, too.

What was your postpartum experience?

After a normal pregnancy and early labor, Bodhi got stuck in the birth canal after two hours of pushing. Two attempts at a vacuum delivery were unsuccessful, so he was delivered via emergency cesarean while I was basically passed out from exhaustion. In the recovery room he started having "dusky events," which were being caused by seizures. After many tests, it was determined that he had a perinatal stroke, some time during the delivery.

We went home while Bodhi stayed in the NICU. A week later, I was readmitted to the hospital because of chills and high fevers -- it turned out I had a life-threatening blood infection and had to have an emergency stomach surgery. Bodhi and I were in different wings of the hospital so we didn't see each other for almost three weeks. While I was recovering, I was also pumping and my husband and family were shuttling breast milk back and forth between us. We were released on the same day, and though I was incredibly happy to be with my baby, I was in so, so much pain. I came home with a wound vac on my cesarean scar and two drains coming out of my belly and butt. I was not sent home with any pain medication and was told to take Tylenol. I could barely breathe, let alone nurse and bond with my baby. He would be handed to me to eat, and then quickly taken away to be burped, changed, napped, played with, etc. -- all things I was still too weak to do on my own.

I had to focus on managing my own pain before even thinking about his needs. After a month or so, I thought the worst was over, but then he started screaming at my breast during our nursing sessions. He wasn't gaining weight. At 7 weeks old, we discovered he was aspirating the breast milk into his lungs, so I had to stop breastfeeding and start giving him thickened bottles. We thought we fixed it and could move on. A month later, he continued to scream at the bottle and lose weight. The doctors had no idea. A milk allergy? Reflux? I knew it wasn’t right. We finally went to a feeding specialist who said we were on the verge of a full on bottle aversion and needed to act fast or he would just start refusing the bottle entirely. We narrowly escaped that.

It was 6 months of anxiety and fear every time I gave him a bottle. Would he eat it? Would he cry? Is he getting enough? He wasn’t on the growth chart and the next step was a feeding tube. After all the early trauma, I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle another hospitalization. But just in time, our sweet boy discovered solid food. We fed him the fattiest foods we could think of – a lot of goat cheese, avocado, and ice cream. He’s a happy eater now, and every day I am so thankful that he has no lasting fear of food. All the focus on his weight, however, caused us to stop thinking as much about his birth injury. But because of the stroke, Bodhi has hemiplegic cerebral palsy on the left side of his body. It’s mostly affected his left hand and arm. Starting at 9 months, we started more intensive therapy for “leftie.” We just finished our first round of CIMT (constraint-induced movement therapy), in which his good arm was put in a cast for three weeks to help “wake up” his left side. We’ve seen a ton of progress and we’ll continue CIMT every few months for the next few years. We're told to believe in the incredible plasticity of the brain. In spite of all he’s been through, Bodhi is the happiest child. He’s curious, silly, and determined to do all the things he wants to do. I am in awe of him.

So, my postpartum experience has been nonstop. I feel like I have just come up for air in the last few months. I survived all of this in no small part because of a husband who is not just “supportive,” but committed to an equal partnership, in both the emotional and physical work of raising a human. I also survived because of my therapist who immediately told me “you have PTSD” and normalized everything I was feeling.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

You are stronger than you know. Trust yourself. A support network is everything.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I was so sick of the postpartum narratives being fed to me by the media. “Fit into your old jeans in six weeks!” “Messy hair, don't care!” I didn't recognize myself in any of them. When I discovered this movement, I felt such relief. I devoured the stories, reading about people with all sorts of bodies and experiences. I felt seen. I want other people who have been through a similar traumatic beginning to parenthood to read my story and feel a little less alone.

Erica and Adam Mutschler

Erica (31 - she/her), Adam (31 - he/him), and Shavit (9 mo)

Albuquerque, NM | Washington, DC

Erica shares -

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

I feel so different about my body than I imagined I would. I had an incredible pregnancy. I loved my body throughout pregnancy and I stayed committed to being as healthy as possible. I drank more water than I ever thought was possible, I went on long walks, I worked out the day before I went into labor. I thought (and hoped) that my positive body image would continue postpartum, especially because I gave birth. I imagined that I would feel like I could do anything because I brought a life into the world and thought it would empower me to love the body that brought me my son. My son is nine months old now and I’m still working on loving my body the way I think it deserves to be loved. I guess I’m not surprised that my new curves, rolls, and shape aren’t my very favorite (yet).

What I didn’t see coming, and makes me want to love every inch of me, is that I want to show my son positive body image and show him how to love his own body, in all of its perfection. As a parent, I want to create a home and a family that speaks so well about our bodies: they’re strong, they’re resilient, they’re capable. But, in looking at my new body, I struggle to speak that way. But, I’m working to show my son. So, loving my body is a work in progress…one that I’m working on.

What was your postpartum experience?

We had a homebirth and I thought I was prepared for anything: lots of labor practices and activities (none of which we used), prepared to have to transfer to a hospital or to labor for days. But after five hours of active labor, dilating fully in two hours, and giving birth just 18 hours after my first contraction, rocked my body. And, when my son didn’t nurse when he was born, I immediately saw that there was a chance we’d have to take my son to the hospital. I wasn’t ready to have to work so hard to breastfeed, I wasn’t It was the beginning of my life as a parent, my nerves, my anxieties, and my heart were all living outside my body.

There were days that felt absolutely insurmountable, despite doing “nothing”…also known as hours of cluster feeding, pumping to keep my milk supply up, weight checks and trying to sleep for a minute…and there were days that were the happiest of my life. But now, only nine months out, Shavit’s newborn months are filled with joy and pride. All of the things that were impossibly hard, which some days included getting out of bed or getting dressed, and the things that left me bursting with joy, his first smile, his first laugh, are all wrapped together in happiness for this family we’ve grown.

What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

Just breathe. Nothing will be easy but nothing will be so hard you can’t do it. You’re made to do this.

Adam shares -

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I've become more conscious of how I talk about my body and the importance living a healthy and active life now that I have a child. I've become kinder, albeit, slightly to myself.

What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent? 

There is no such thing as ready. The best thing you can do to prepare is be prepared to not be ready and that's ok.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

Putting myself out there like this is a stretch and while I stretch myself in many ways this opportunity is no and different. I think it's also important to deepen my connection with my body and this project struck me as an opportunity to do this.

Victoria Pater

Victoria Pater (34 - she/her), Hugo (24 months), Ivy and Opal (7 months - identical twins)

Michigan | Chicago, IL

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

On the rare occasion that I catch myself in a mirror, I usually think “wow, when did that happen?”. It’s honestly not the worst or the best reaction, but I’ve been too busy to really obsess over the extra weight, wider hips, and weird hair and skin changes (We're also going through a home renovation, so I don't spend much time in front of a mirror).

My body morphed back to a slightly heavier, squishier me after my first child was born, but no huge changes. It was all very quick though because I returned to work, weaned breastfeeding, and got pregnant again when Hugo was just 9 months old. That was all very much the plan — I wanted my kids close in age and I wanted to get this phase of expanding and recovering over ASAP. The one thing I did not plan for was carrying identical twins - surprise! And as it turns out, multiple pregnancies are a whole different ballgame.

It was hard on my mind and my body. I tell myself I’m over it, that there is no "bouncing back", and yet I haven't exactly bought myself new clothes in a size that fits my new, current body. I’m only 7 months postpartum and this time around everything is just different. I know as the kids get older I want to be a good role model for taking care of myself, but most days I can be found downing coffee and eating the cold leftovers off my toddler's plate.

What was your postpartum experience?

There are so many feels postpartum, I don’t know where to begin. Three children under two is intense. I thought after carrying the twins to 36 weeks, I'd give birth, recover for 6 weeks, get the ol' thumbs up from my doctors and start working out while the babies slept and I was home with them on maternity leave.

When that didn't happen, because I had diastasis recti (my abs split apart to make room for growing babies), I was strangely devastated. I don't even love to work out, but the idea of having a plan, getting into a routine, out of the house, and doing something nice for myself was so hard to let go of. All of a sudden I had no idea what recovery looked like. I was juggling too much on too little sleep and my brain couldn't reroute or advocate for myself. I felt extremely alone in figuring out a solution to a problem I knew little about and was bummed that new moms weren't better taken care of… by someone?!

It's been really hard to enjoy this time and I know I'll look back and be sad it's over, but wowowowow, it's so hard — mentally and physically. I feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty that I am not soaking it up and loving every second. I also feel guilty because I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have three healthy, "easy" babies. Why am I constantly overwhelmed? We have support, health insurance, resources, and people reaching out to check in. We can pay our bills, my partner is 100% involved, and yet… here we are, struggling to tread water. This is not at all how I pictured motherhood. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I had no idea it'd be this hard.

What is your truth? What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Almost nothing goes the way you plan, so be flexible and gentle with yourself. You’re stronger than you know, but surround yourself with a group of amazing people who can remind you that parenting is tough, but that you are doing an amazing job. It can be hard for me to leave the house with or without my three littles, so my fellow internet friends are everything. People seem to slide into my DMs at just the right time, and I am very grateful.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

The documentation of real bodies and the stories that go along with them are so important. It's a movement I want to be part of. I also selfishly want to see photos of myself with my kids during this “season of life” and remember how hard it was, but also how strong and beautiful I was/am, even if it doesn’t feel like that every moment of every day.

Alex James

Alex James (32) and Indiana (6 weeks)

Toronto, ON

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

At six weeks post-birth, I’m still getting acquainted with my postpartum body. What I can say right now is: it’s a strange thing to have my body be so tethered to another human being. I’m feeding my baby exclusively from my body. My breasts respond when I’m away from her for too long, or when she cries. They fill and swell when she needs them. It’s fascinating, beautiful, and downright annoying, all at the same time. My breasts are now living, breathing entities. They have a purpose and agenda, which they make quite clear to me with all kinds of sensations I could never have imagined. I cannot ignore my breasts; their presence is loud and overbearing at times. They’ve also become enormous. I can’t say I like how they look or feel right now, but I’m grateful for the important work they’re doing, and hopefully in time I’ll learn to love them.

What was your postpartum experience?
I am having a wonderful postpartum experience. You know something - it feels kinda weird to say that. There is much talk about how hard the postpartum transition can be (It’s no joke, everything that happens physically and emotionally after giving birth!) so part of me feels the need to keep quiet about how great my experience has been, so as not to sound like I’m bragging or preaching. But this is not the platform for hiding; this is for sharing. So here goes.

I made it my goal from the beginning - from before I even got pregnant - to have an amazing postpartum experience. I felt inspired by postpartum traditions from other countries, which all involve an extended period of rest, lots of warm, nourishing foods, and basically just round-the-clock snuggle time in bed with baby. I resolved to have a postpartum experience like that.

I did a lot of prep work before my postpartum time. I knew going into this that it wouldn’t be all sunshine and rainbows, so I did what I could to be as prepared as possible. I stuffed my freezer with meals. I gathered herbs and supplies for healing my perineum. I even got some frozen breast milk from a friend to have on hand in case I needed to supplement my own breast milk. I spent time making my home a peaceful sanctuary for nesting in with baby.

Above all else, I made sure I had good support, and I grounded my expectations. Everything about birth and babies and parenting is unpredictable.

My partner was home for three weeks. For the first ten days, I pretty much stayed in bed, resting my body and feeding the baby, and he took care of absolutely everything else. I truly believe this is the reason why my experience has been as great as it has.

Were there times when I found myself in tears for no apparent reason? Yes. Have I dealt with a torn perineum and incontinence and painful engorgement? Check, check, check. It hasn’t all been a walk in the park - but it’s been pretty lovely. It really is possible to have an amazing postpartum experience.

I recognize that there are many things about my unique situation that have contributed to my having a great postpartum time. I am blessed with an amazing, supportive partner who was able to take three weeks off work. This is my first baby, so I don’t have the added stress of parenting a toddler during my recovery. I also feel satisfied and happy overall with my birth experience; I’m not left dealing with birth trauma (which is way, way too common amongst birthing people).

I also recognize that I’m still very much at the beginning of what is a long journey, and I don’t know what’s to come.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I’m here to be seen and acknowledged - along with the rest of the beautiful postpartum bodies that are part of this project - for what my body has done and is doing. Postpartum folks, and their experiences, are kind of invisible in our culture. People love a pregnant belly, and people love a cute baby, but there is little reverence for the postpartum person.

I went for a short walk by myself (without the baby) at 17 days postpartum, and I couldn’t help but think about the fact that no one on the street had any idea I’d given birth so recently. It felt weird. I’d grown accustomed to smiles and nods from strangers during my pregnancy, after all, so I guess I felt like the world now needed to know that I’d birthed that baby - that it was hard work, and that I did it. To be clear, I don’t think I’d want to walk down the street holding a large sign announcing “I just gave birth!” - but I do feel we need more sharing of birth and postpartum experiences in general. There is wisdom in these stories and we should encourage the sharing of them. I love this project and movement!

Jessyka Iskander

Jessyka Iskander (34 - she/her), Grace (2.5), and Elijah (3 months)

Toronto, ON

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

When I was pregnant with Grace I worked out consistently in a gym and also at home and I didn't stop until I was one day shy of 40 weeks. I felt healthy and vibrant and strong. I dropped the baby weight plus 15 pounds in the first 4 months postpartum. I was back at the gym 6 weeks postpartum. While pregnant with Elijah I did not step in the gym once. My workouts were few and much shorter, gentler and with a toddler clinging to my leg. I still felt healthy and vibrant and strong but I knew my weight gain would be different and of course in turn my weight loss. My stomach has new gatherings of excess skin and fat, I am riddled with ever expanding stretch marks (which my daughter and I call "love lines") and by the end of the day I look 3 months pregnant. I have no idea how much I weigh and I still haven't worked out once since Elijah was born in April. Overall I am okay with that. Am I okay with it every day, every single second? No. Of course not. Like most other Moms I compare myself to others but honestly with time (or lack there of!) I find it easier to turn off that little "if only you..." voice that makes me think I am not good enough.

What was your postpartum experience?

My first (Grace) was in occiput posterior position. I had a natural birth in the wonderful Toronto Birth Centre but I pushed too hard and ended up with over 40 stitches. I was in bliss.

Unfortunately, from day one I was a people pleaser. We had visitors to our home not even 12 hours after she was born (nope not family), I went out to visit people day 2, I squeezed into belly bands and I wore tight jeans, heels, make up, did my hair and and overall cared way too much about what people thought about me and couldn't say no even when I was drop dead tired. I slept tops 1-3 hours in a 24 period for weeks. I checked her breathing every 5-10 minutes. I had horrific intrusive thoughts and my first ever panic attack.

Later I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety and OCD. I slowly healed with help from therapy and the wonderful programs at Women's College Hospital. On top of that I also thought pain was typical with breastfeeding (in the early days) and didn't seek help until chunks of my nipple was falling off and it felt like razor blades slicing me open each time she latched. After wonderful support from my midwives, supplemental nursing systems (tube, cup and finger feeding) along with pumping after every day feed we got the hang of it and by week 6 we were like pros.

With Elijah I very ready for natural labour and after 3 days of contractions but not active labour I went ahead to have a planned home birth (almost unassisted, luckily my midwife made it just in time). My active labour was under 2 hours from start to finish. At 6 cm my water broke. I was 10 cm at the next contraction, his head crowned, I allowed my body to push naturally twice and had him all in 15 minutes. I was so elated and happy during that I actually said, "This is feels amazing, this is wonderful."

My daughter took a while to adjust despite my planning and prepping (obviously she's 2. I don't know why I thought everything would be perfect) and I had/have a hard time navigating her new moods and occasional tantrums. I love her so dearly and have a shit ton of Mom guilt (mostly when I feel touched out at days end). I am trying my hardest and I still see a therapist monthly to make sure I don't struggle too badly but it is a huge adjustment going from one child to two and NOTHING can prepare you for it. I am just trying to take it day by day and soak in this brief sweet stage. The days may be long but the years are short.

What is your truth?

My Mom told me once, "it's not a bad life, it's just a bad moment." I honestly repeat that anytime I feel stressed out and overwhelmed

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I researched pregnancy and natural child birth so intensely that I totally over looked the postpartum stage and damn every one needs information on the postpartum stage. It should be a MANDATORY part of sex ed. I had no idea that what I was experiencing was common and it wasn't until I came across 4th Trimester Bodies and read the stories that I truly felt heard and understood.

Brankica Harvey

Brankica Harvey (40 - she/her) and Katja Violet (4 months)

Bosnia and Herzegovina | Brooklyn, NY

“I had a hard time deciding to start a family. My husband had been ready to take the plunge for many years but for me this particular step felt very daunting. I was afraid to alter my current relationship to my self, my husband and my life as I knew it. I had so many what if's that kept coming up and it took me many years to finally embrace the idea. The thought that finally freed me up was that I didn't want fear to be the deciding factor. In the end I didn't experience a miscarriage while trying to conceive, but I did grapple with the loss of my old self and all that came before we became parents.”

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I was very active before I became pregnant and remained so through almost my entire pregnancy. I was impressed by what my body could do and how it was transforming to allow a new life into the world. Despite all the aches and pains of my postpartum body, I am embracing this new phase and curiously observe what my body is capable of.

What was your postpartum experience?

I was prepared for a challenging labor, everyone talks about that and you spend a lot of time learning about it during pregnancy. It was postpartum that I felt both overjoyed but also completely overwhelmed. In the days after birth, it's trial by fire, you have to learn to cope both with your own body's transformation and healing as well as taking care of a baby. I mourned the loss of my former self and had to come to terms with this new part of me -- a mother. What does it mean to become one and how to come to terms with remnants of my old self?

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

Each story is unique yet we are bound by the experiences of bringing a child into the world, nurturing them and watching them grown, as well as watching our own bodies and lives transform. By participating I wanted to take part in the collective stories of motherhood and parenthood.

Lisa Sauvé

Lisa Sauvé (33 - she/her) and Amy (13)

Ann Arbor, MI

“I lost the experience of pregnancy. Let me explain, I am a birth parent but told no one about my pregnancy. I mentally blocked it out myself along with not telling anyone else. If I couldn't consider my own thoughts on the situation I definitely didn't want to hear anyone else's. Compartmentalization. I kept it to myself, only her dad knew. Keeping the pregnancy wasn't a pro-life decision, it was a non-decision from I think paralyzing fear to make a decision. We barely talked about it until the inevitable and I went into labor. No prenatal care. The 3 trimester was winter, so oversized sweaters. I was small enough they camouflaged pretty well. Enough that we spent the entire day at my parents house on Christmas and they didn't notice (Amy was born January 18). When I finally went to the hospital in labor, the doctor felt my stomach and suggested the baby might be 4 lbs since I was so small. She was born 8 lbs 7 oz.”

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

As a mother to a daughter, I think before I speak, and tell myself the truths I tell her as much as I can. She's beautiful and healthy, and so am I. The idea of my body now though is much more about fitness than image. I can start to feel aging and want to be able to experience life and the world with Amy for as long as possible, meaning I need to ensure my body can climb and hike and explore for many years to come.

What was your postpartum experience?

Postpartum was the first time I allowed myself to consider motherhood. In the hours after our daughter was born, she was named "Baby A" on adoption papers, before we withdrew them and decided we would take the chance and do this thing. Baby A, with a quick suggestion of "Amy" from her dad, became just that, our Amy. That's when we started to tell people, the afternoon of her birth that we had a baby, not that we were having a baby.

Happy birthday to my dad, who turned 49 the day Amy was born, so when I called my mom to tell her it was definitely a double shock of coincidence and surprise. What a surprise birthday present, to become a grandfather!

Telling my grandma she is a "great grandma", she thought she was being told she was a "great" grandma as a compliment, not fact. She was nothing but delighted when we clarified the miscommunication. (Amy loves this part of the story)

Being 19, my body bounced back quickly. When friends and family came to visit in the coming days they remarked that I couldn't have had the baby because of my trim figure, which was a reflection of my trim pregnancy. I healed quickly and my shape didn't change much.

What is your truth?

From the inevitable and the necessary comes opportunity and inspiration.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

Friends, knowing my story and urging me to share. Capturing a moment with my daughter where her is closer to the age I gave birth than mine and that I'm proud of her and though it was a silent pregnancy, I was never ashamed.

Jess Stetson

Jess Stetson (35 - she/her) and Thomas (2.5). His twin was lost at 9 weeks.

Portland, OR

“We conceived through IUI. We heard his twin’s heartbeat three times, but she didn’t make it.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I care less now. I still have issues, still am less than thrilled with it at times, but I am also so proud of it. I got a 9lb 3oz human out. I’ve breastfed for almost 31 months. This body has been used and abused, but it’s created the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. To not like it, to me, is to not like him

What was your postpartum experience?

My postpartum journey was rough. Lots of sleepless nights, incredible anxiety. I was so scared of him. I was scared of failing him and making him hate himself and me being the reason. I knew I needed help, but everyone said I was fine. When I went back to work, it got even worse. I finally went on Zoloft, and I am so thankful for that little drug.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I believe in empowering women AND empowering myself.