Meghan and Dustin

Meghan (38 - she/her) and Dustin (36 - he/him). Parents to twins Jane Mae and David Edgar (would be 5 months old)

Philadelphia, PA

Meghan shares -

“We have had a long ongoing journey to start our family. We had an early pregnancy loss 3 years ago, then started our IVF journey. We had an ectopic pregnancy in the summer of 2018, which involved a surgery and methotrexate. When we were cleared for another round of IVF, we were thrilled to find out I was pregnant with our rainbow twins. Unfortunately, I went into preterm labor at just shy of 20 weeks and there were no interventions possible. David was born first, early on April 7 at 8:12 am and we had 30 joyful minutes before he passed away in our arms. We tried to see if I could keep Jane from delivering, but unfortunately I had severe bleeding and she was born less than 4 hours later at 11:23 am. I needed blood transfusions and my uterus was accidentally perforated, but this wasn’t discovered right away. I was very sick overnight and then had emergent surgery the next morning where they found the perforation. It was a large surgery because they were afraid they hit my bowel. Thankfully they didn’t. I had to be readmitted with fevers and they discovered I had retained placenta, as well. I’ve had 2 more surgeries this year, but we just recently have been cleared to try again for our “double rainbow” baby. I’m still hopeful.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I’m a parent to my twins, but while they aren’t physically with us, my scars are a physical and tangible reminder that they lived, however briefly, and it wasn’t just in our imaginations. I have struggled with my body this last year. I’ve reveled in being pregnant and getting larger, then cursed my body and its inability to keep them here longer. I’ve enjoyed my increasing bra size, then cried as I lactated for a month after they were gone. More recently I’ve been trying to love my body more by going to Pilates, acupuncture and massaging my scars. I’ve started to recognize how strong my body is as I feel my muscles tightening again. And I am in awe of my uterus’s ability to miraculously heal itself (even surprising my OBGYN.)

What was your postpartum experience? 

There was both a physical and emotional toll that Jane and David’s delivery has taken. Initially it was recovering from a major abdominal surgery after nearly dying. This morphed into fear when I found out I had retained placenta and the choice to do more surgery or watchful waiting. We went for no surgery, but this brought more fear. Fear of infection, fear of hemorrhage, fear of needing a hysterectomy, fear that I had a placenta accreta. As the weeks turned into months and the ultrasounds seemed more stable, there was fear of being able to safely attempt pregnancy again. Then I had severe abdominal pain, which turned out to be caused by my gallbladder (it’s common to get cholecystitis postpartum), but needed another surgery. This became an almost comical distraction. And then in preparation for a uterine resection, I had a miraculous MRI. I learned firsthand of the power of time and our body to heal itself. As my body healed though, my heart was broken and the emotional toll started to reveal itself. Postpartum depression affects you even if your babies aren’t here. So I’m learning to live and grieve. I have a wonderful husband, family and our monthly grief support group. I still cry and have difficult days, but have come a long way since April. I’m hopeful and ready to start our next phase in this journey next week.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

Take a deep breath, be present in the moment, and be aware of your inner strength.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I wanted a way to look back on our year and remember. To realize how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown and healed. My body has been a large portion of that and I thought a photograph would be a helpful reminder of my strength and courage. I also feel that through my loss I can help teach others that pregnancy and parenthood come in many forms and can be a mix of joy and sadness. I want people to be less fearful of talking about pregnancy loss. I thought this was one public way that I could contribute to a dialogue about pregnancy loss and maybe comfort others going through a similar journey.

Dustin shares -

(We’ve had a) spontaneous trisomy that never showed signs of a heartbeat, a pregnancy of unknown location, and our Twins at just prior to 20 weeks. They have all been tough to process, but the official explanation that "twins are high risk" has been hardest to deal with for me. They were so small and here with us for such a short time, but I have been forever changed by them. The world is in some ways duller, but in others it is filled with so much more light. They are incredible.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I'm finally trying to get healthy again after neglecting health in general after April. Our loss made me so angry, that I certainly took that out on my body image for months. I saw my weight gain and loss of muscle as a continuation of my feeling as a failure. With better ways to manage my grief, I've found a restored desire to take care of myself, if for no other reason than to be attractive for my partner again. On the other hand, I have loved my partner's body throughout. It is a literal reminder of how dedicated and amazing of a parent she is going to be, however we eventually grow our family.

What was your postpartum experience? 

Depression, loneliness, and overwhelming anger. So much that I was afraid of it for the first time since I was a teenager experiencing it in all its significance for the first time. Through the support of the UNITE group, I've embraced that anger and rechanneled it into a deeper appreciation of humanity and an ability to be honest with my fellow humans, even when it hurts.

What is your truth that you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

So many things can't be planned or controlled, but they can be lived. Slow down and remember how to truly appreciate the little things.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I only just heard about it two days ago, but I could tell my partner wanted to participate and I think it's a great way to remember our twins and capture where our bodies are now. Especially as we continue our fertility journey and need to rely on our bodies again to help us.

Jess Stetson

Jess Stetson (35 - she/her) and Thomas (2.5). His twin was lost at 9 weeks.

Portland, OR

“We conceived through IUI. We heard his twin’s heartbeat three times, but she didn’t make it.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I care less now. I still have issues, still am less than thrilled with it at times, but I am also so proud of it. I got a 9lb 3oz human out. I’ve breastfed for almost 31 months. This body has been used and abused, but it’s created the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. To not like it, to me, is to not like him

What was your postpartum experience?

My postpartum journey was rough. Lots of sleepless nights, incredible anxiety. I was so scared of him. I was scared of failing him and making him hate himself and me being the reason. I knew I needed help, but everyone said I was fine. When I went back to work, it got even worse. I finally went on Zoloft, and I am so thankful for that little drug.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I believe in empowering women AND empowering myself.

Alex Wegman

Alex Wegman (31), Arwen (3), and Asa (5 months)

Minneapolis, MN | San Francisco, CA

Alex shares -

“In July 2017, I lost my second pregnancy—twins—at 13 weeks. It was devastating.

I’m a wheelchair user, and when I shared my first pregnancy with family, responses were varied. I heard everything from the standard, expected, hoped for, “Yaysoexciting!” to, “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” I developed a bit of a complex about needing my body to prove that it could do this one thing right. I was terrified of a loss, in part because I knew the skeptics would either attribute it to my disability or breathe sighs of relief.

The twin pregnancy garnered more concern than my first had—I think folks were worried about everything from how I’d make it through that pregnancy, especially with HG raging early on again, to how I’d care for two infants. So in addition to the grief of loss, I experienced intense embarrassment and constantly had to find ways to avoid painful conversations about my deficiencies. For example, my then two year old’s pediatrician told me it was better I’d lost because she’d been concerned about how I’d manage two babies. Besides, miscarriage is the body’s way of eliminating defective fetuses. I didn’t want babies with birth defects, did I? (I was a baby with birth defects. Cue existential crisis.) We have a new pediatrician now.

Most of my friends and family were wonderful and supportive, but the echoes of “it’s better this way” and “everything happens for a reason” from people who didn’t know me well enough to know better were enough to make me scream.

The miscarriage itself was long and drawn-out, and I even had to take medication to get things moving because I was still suffering with HG two weeks after the heartbeats were gone, so it wasn’t surprising or spontaneous when it happened. One thing I didn’t anticipate, though, is that you actually labor and need to recover when you miscarry that far into a pregnancy. I think it was about four weeks before I felt physically back to normal after that.

A year and a half later, I’m still sad about the loss, but I learned much from the experience. My rainbow guy was born in September, and he’s brought so much sweetness and light. I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

My entire life has been a battle with my body. Broken, abnormal, atypical, unusual, and defective are all words I heard regularly in reference to it over my first 17 years or so. (Get me started on the term “birth defect.” I dare you.) Not great for confidence or positive body image.

I have a congenital spinal cord injury and spinal stenosis at (C6-7), so I have limited muscle control, tone, and balance from that level, which is at the base of the neck, down. I’ve used a wheelchair and other mobility devices my whole life, and have had about a dozen corrective orthopedic surgeries. My childhood was punctuated by operations, treatments and recoveries.

When I was pretty young, maybe 10 or 11, a doctor shared with my parents offhandedly that he thought it would be a bad idea for me to ever try to carry a pregnancy. I overheard and internalized that, and added it to the list of things my body couldn't do. If you’d asked if that bothered me, I’d have said no, I didn’t know if I wanted them anyway, and I would adopt if I did.

After I got married, that sentiment changed. It’s amazing how we’re wired to want to create life with our partners, isn’t it? Yeah, science! I asked my OB and my GP casually if they thought pregnancy would be a problem, and they both said no. I’m a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of gal, so we went for it and conceived before we even intended to.

Turns out, my body does an absolutely perfect job of gestating, except that I get hyperemisis gravidarum that lasts through to the very end. Add that to the list of things I CAN do, thank you very much. And I survived the dang HG, too.

When I was a teen, I hated that low tone caused my body to be soft in places others weren’t. I hated my “swan-neck” fingers on my left hand, my flat butt, my knees that bowed in when I walked, my small, flat, puffy, usually purple feet. At 31 years old, I’m mostly at peace with all that, thanks to a super hot, wildly perceptive partner who gives me tons of affirmation and to motherhood.

When I was pregnant, none of my complaints about my body mattered. It did exactly what I needed it to do. Did it very well, in fact, even though I could hardly feed it anything and couldn’t exercise or even get outside into the fresh air most days.

As a non-pregnant person, I still occasionally spend too long worrying about how my feet will look if I wear sandals or wondering if I’m ever going to be able to tone my mama tummy back up or whatever, but I’m generally much more confident than before. High waisted jeans and not gaf for the win.

Postpartum with my first was a mixed bag. I was back in pre-pregnancy jeans after only seven or eight days and though I had a small tear, I had relatively little pain and healed quickly. Unfortunately, I dislocated my bottom left rib during labor and again a few weeks postpartum, and the second time it was some of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. I couldn’t stand, couldn’t lift Arwen, couldn’t even inhale deeply.

My GP diagnosed it, prescribed Tylenol with codeine, and said I’d just have to wait it out, but I reached out to my chiropractor and acupuncturist and they got me in right away. Chiro was effective for helping things to realign and acupuncture relieved most of the inflammation and really helped to control the pain. I can’t even tell you how valuable ancillary care has been in my overall wellness during and after pregnancy.

Emotionally, I felt good. I had a little stage fright handling Arwen around spectators at first because I could just feel their fear that I’d drop her or something, but a week alone at home with my husband and babe helped me get over that.

Arwen was a very challenging baby, so there was some stress related to that, but she got much easier around 10 or 11 months, when she was more mobile and could communicate a bit. Learning how to speak her language and give her what she needs has really defined early motherhood for me.

In my experience, HG has made postpartum feel like a relief, almost easy, by comparison. During pregnancy, I feel like there’s just nothing I can do to move myself toward being fitter, stronger, or more comfortable. Postpartum means I can actively work toward those things, and just knowing that makes me feel like I have more control and is good for my mental health. My mood has been pretty stable after both births, but maybe a little less so after the most recent one.

Postpartum after Asa has been easier in some ways and harder in others. I had confidence that I could care for him from the get-go, which made a huge difference in terms of anxiety toward the end of my pregnancy. He’s been a very easy baby, so I’ve been able to focus on enjoying him and helping Arwen adjust to being and having a sibling.

I’ve been a bit broodier this time around, which I attribute to knowing that this is probably my last pregnancy. If not for HG, I’d probably try for one or two more, but I can’t put myself or my family through another year or two of that. That’s been a hard pill to swallow because I feel like I’ve really found my calling as a mother, and it’s frustrating to have to make that choice.

At this point, I’m soaking up every day with my babies and reflecting on what a wild experience this has all been.

What is your truth? What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?

A few nuggets I’d like to share…These are probably most relevant to disabled folks, but I think they’ll resonate with lots of others, too:

Be your own advocate when it comes to the medical world. Ask ALL the questions, then ask them again. Don’t let anyone flippantly or speculatively shape your future. That goes for everything before, during, and after pregnancy, both related to it and not. If you’re disabled, get comfortable with demanding respect and firing disrespectful practitioners. You deserve to be treated with dignity and to have autonomy.

Don’t give a fuck. I would be absolutely mad with anxiety and insecurity if I let other peoples’ concerns and opinions dictate the way I parent and care for my kids or even to get pregnant in the first place. People are naturally afraid of what they don’t understand, so yep, if you have any kind of visible disability, people are going to wonder about your fitness to care for children. Do your best, do it confidently, acknowledge your limitations, ask for help when you need it. But definitely don’t give a fuck.

This comes up a lot when talking with disabled friends who don’t have kids but think they might want to eventually: Kids are adaptable and flexible. You don’t have to be able to sway and bounce and get down on the floor with your baby. We have a very narrow and conservative view of infant care here in the US, but people do it differently all over the world. If you’re thinking of having kids and the only thing stopping you is the “how would I...?” questions, trust me when I say you’ll figure it out. Necessity is the mother of invention, after all.

What brought you here today? Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
4th Tri made a material difference to how I looked at my body after my first baby was born. The visibility of what birthing actually means to the physical form has shattered some of the unrealistic expectations I had before and has helped me to embrace my body and its shape, irrespective of arbitrary standards of perfection.

I’m here sharing my story because disabled parents need to take up space. We need to know we aren’t the only ones, and we need our communities to know there are many of us, too. It would be a totally different world if existing in public with two kids or with a kid and a pregnant belly didn’t make us feel like a side show. We’re here, we’re capable, and a lot of us are actually really great parents, believe it or not.

LaTasha Frye

LaTasha Frye (34), Sh'Raun (12) and Shyne (3months)

Toledo, OH

“Motherhood has impacted my life in so many ways - it has taught me to be patient, humble, and go with the flow of things.

My experience having an abortion was awful and I regretted doing it. I then got pregnant two months later with my twins Shiran and Shiloe whom I lost 11/08/2009. I was 23 weeks pregnant and was told they couldn't do anything to save my sons. I was heartbroken to have to plan a funeral for them. It was the worst experience a mother could have. Afterwards, I went into this dark place and I never wanted another kid, I withdrew from my oldest and that wasn't a good place. I remember gaining 86 lbs and just being so unhappy. Now I’m the proud mom of two sons and trying my best to be a great mom to both of them. I owe it all to god honestly. My story is amazing and I’m living in it.

I’m currently mothering my 12 year and 3 month old, my 12 year old is a breeze - easy peezy lemon squeezy. the 3 month old has me in a bit of funk as he cries around the clock. I have had to change my diet, pumping and nursing has been amazing and also hard. I’m battling postpartum head on - I refuse to let it beat me or my kids be affected by it. This journey is a very hard journey - working full time and still trying to be hands on with my kids. I’m also a single mom but that’s a story for another time. I know things will be great, I’m just grateful to be able to have these two kids.”

Kim Thi Halum

Kim Thi Halum (33 - 30 weeks pregnant), Claire (5), and Martin “TinTin” (3)

Oakland, CA

Kim shares -

“After two surprise pregnancies - Claire was a honeymoon baby and TinTin was conceived after I stopped breastfeeding, while on low dose birth control - I thought when we decided to have just one more child it would be easy. I did get pregnant easily and we were all so excited, unfortunately we had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. We then went on to get pregnant two more times but miscarried both of those at 6 weeks. We had given up some hope and were trying to find a way to be content with the family we already had made when we found out we were pregnant again.

It was unexpected in that I had thought I was pregnant (I felt like I was) but then I started bleeding. I just assumed it was another miscarriage so I went to get a check by my OB due to some abdominal tenderness as well. She did a complete ultrasound and to our surprise we were 8 weeks along with a little baby! Originally it was twins and we lost one which was what the unexpected bleeding was. It was a time of mourning for the loss and tentative hope for our future.

We are now 30 weeks along and both kids and my husband are eagerly awaiting the arrival of our newest family member. It was a long journey to get here but it has made me grateful and even more appreciative of all that I have been blessed with.

I never had great body image growing up and I did not always make the best choices nutrition wise. I would binge and purge or withhold altogether and it was always a vicious cycle of trying to get my body to look a certain way with zero regard to what I was doing to nourish it. I always felt like I was either too skinny but then I was too fat. I had no curves and was very judgmental of my body.

It wasn't until becoming a mother and feeling the power behind my body as not just something for aesthetics but a force to grow humans and sustain them through my body. How amazing is that! It was the most empowering thing I have ever been through in terms of body positivity. Don't get me wrong, I still hate seeing the cellulite and the spider veins and the stretch marks and the extra squishy and move-y parts (as my kids like to say) but past that I also see the strength in myself and my body. I have learned as a mother that what I put into my body and how I treat it both physically and mentally will impact my children for years to come. It has made me aware of the need to be conscious about what I eat, how I eat, exercising and treating my body with the same kindness I would want my children to treat their bodies. Being healthy is more important than being skinny and that has taken me a long time to fully understand and accept. Through growing, birthing and feeding my children that I have been able to grasp the concept of healthy body = happy body.

My beautiful friend has done this twice now and she told me I should do it. A few years ago the thought of doing a shoot in my underwear without having killed my self at the gym and been on a strict diet would have made me say "hard HARD PASS" but now I can see past the imperfections I have and see my body for the miraculous machine that it is and the strength that it has.

Strength and kindness will get you far in this world. Be kind to others but also be strong enough to be kind to yourself. Some people may see that as selfish but you teach others how to treat you. Don't accept people in your life you are not kind.”

Tara Watts

Tara Watts (32), Nylah (8), Tayt (5), and Leevy (2)

Toronto, Ontario

Tara shares -

“I experienced a miscarriage with my second pregnancy. I was carrying identical twin boys and my son Tayt’s twin stopped growing in utero. I had a close family member respond to the death of my child who commented over the phone that at least I had one baby left plus maybe its for the best because how could I handle having twins and three year old all at the same time. Because of that specific experience, as well as, other less empathetic support from family members, I didn't realize until typing for this project that I am actually a mom who experienced a miscarriage. I, Tara, had a baby that died inside of me. For the first time since I miscarried I actually broke down and mourned the loss of my baby. Crazy that I finally had that moment 6 years after my loss happened. Its challenging to find a safe space to have the conversation with someone regarding pregnancy loss and birth within the same gestational period.

Being able to carry babies despite a very real loss has made me realize how badass and valuable I am. The fact that I was able to conceive, house, vaginally deliver and extended breastfeed my children is a real blessing and for that I am so grateful for this body of mine. Going through the process of motherhood has really shown me how beautiful my body is. I have more curves than ever before, I've gained weight and filled out a tiny bit more, I’ve got stretch marks that appeared only 2 weeks before delivering my first, and my breasts are more loose than they were before. Despite all of what some may see as a negative, when I look in the mirror I feel sexy, powerful and radiant. I made a choice to love every inch of myself because my children needed to see that what ones thinks and feels of themselves matters more than the opinions of society.

Being a black woman with black children watching my every move, I had to show em that having melanated skin was stunning, wide hips were powerful, kinky hair was gravity defying and therefore magical. I love myself more now than ever before because of my children. I have seen the affects of moms being extremely insecure about their bodies in front of their young children and in turn their children have also taken up those same emotional insecurities pertaining to their body. I didn't want to be the one to plant those insecure seeds into my children.

My mother had two cesarean births 19 years apart. She was never given the opportunity to attempt birthing myself or younger sister naturally and vaginally. The excuse given was of her being "5 foot and having a small pelvic area". I saw from early on, in many examples, that the medical industry was not here to support black women and so I had to educate myself extensively on how to have the birth and care that I wanted and deserved. I knew that my birth experience would directly affect my postpartum experience. I decided to take the midwifery route with all 3 of my children because I would have a higher outcome of having the emotional, and physical support that I wanted.

My 1st midwife experience was so positive that I decided every baby I birthed onward would be delivered at home. With all of my pregnancies I gained about 20 lbs each and lost the baby weight within a week of delivery. I loved how I looked while pregnant but pregnancy causes me to be extremely sick from dangerously low iron, multiple fainting spells, weight loss some months as appose to gaining and having to force myself to eat because the heightened sense of smell and taste made everything under the sun unappealing to eat. Try eating something you have no desire too because its smells, looks and tastes nasty!

I was worried about postpartum depression affecting me and therefore did all I could to help ease into the transition from pregnancy to motherhood as well as moving from one child to two and then from two to three. Having my first was an easier transition as my children’s father and I were still together at that point so the support was 100% there. Moving from one to two was a challenge because I was now a single mother. It was a real challenge tending to a toddler and exclusively breastfeeding an underweight newborn on demand as well as then pumping and supplementing with your my own breast milk to ensure he was fattening up. I’m grateful that after two months he had doubled in birth weight.

With my third It was a challenge adjusting as a single parent of three because again the relationship between my children’s father and I had dissolved in absolutely horrible ways. I was dealing with abandonment, betrayal, broken heartedness, and anger. I was on bed rest when the relationship ended and then I birthed almost six weeks early. Juggling taking my 5 year old to and from school, entertaining a clingy 2 year old and again exclusively breastfeeding a premature baby with colic on demand was brutal. I was so down and depressed at my situation and the events that took place when my relationship dissolved that I literally had to separate my days into morning and afternoon just to get by. I couldn't think about next week, tomorrow, or even that night. I’m grateful though that I had more emotionally supportive circle who helped me to be mentally tough during this transition and realize that what others may have done didn't define who I was or what I deserved.

I was able to get to a better place mentally after about four months postpartum. I changed my focus, instead of being stuck on what my ex-partner did and how the relationship dissolved, I focused on my children instead. To make sure I laughed with my kids at least once in the morning and once at night as well as to build fun memories with them so that they didn’t associate their childhood with their mother remaining depressed and angry.

With the more children I had, the more confident I became when it pertained to my children’s health. I saw the effect of liquid gold and I knew for me that breastfeeding was the only choice for my kids as well as maintaining holistic practices. I also knew that my body provided all my children needed in regards to keeping them immune. Vaccinations were an absolute hell no for me as well as formula too. The ingredients in both showed me that this was not a healthy choice for my children if I wanted them to remain healthy. I remember going to the doctor for well baby check ups with my second and the doctor would always rave at how well my children were thriving. That was a defining moment for me during my postpartum because even though my doctor knew my stance on not vaccinating, he was always in awe and would praise me on how well they were thriving and how advanced they were performing. That uplifted and encouraged me because it showed me that I was on the right track and all it took was for me to believe in myself and capabilities as their mother. because I knew my children were thriving because of what my body was providing them and if I could see with my own eyes that my research and natural practices were working for my family.

I chose to participate in this event because why not? I belong here. Women of color belong here. Single mothers belong here. Moms who have experienced loss and birth within the same pregnancy belong here. If we want to see ourselves in new spaces, we must take the necessary steps to bring change. This movement is inclusive to all women and I love and respect that.”

Nicole Mitchell

Nicole Mitchell (33), mother to Cameron Beau (19 months - pictured), twins Brady James and Carter Vincent (would be 3 in June), 5 weeks pregnant. 

Philadelphia, PA

Nicole shares - 

" Update: We did confirm that the pregnancy I was carrying was not tubal and that we would be due in January 2019. Unfortunately at about 7 weeks we found out that the baby was not growing properly. We ultimately lost the pregnancy and I opted for a D&E a few weeks later. The timing of the loss coincided with the third anniversary of the birth and loss of our twins almost exactly. I was even admitted to the same hospital in which they were born on the same day on which they were born, only three years later, due to complications of the miscarriage. After all we've been through it still feels like a shameful and somewhat taboo topic which honestly I'm sick of. This loss was hard physically, mentally and emotionally and I'm tired of feeling like this is something we're meant to go through alone.

Through the D&E our doctor was able to determine that we lost a baby boy due to a chromosomal abnormality. This picture is dedicated to him and his brothers and to all those mourning a loss.

---

My husband and I tried for quite a while to conceive. We had a really early miscarriage in November 2014. After some luck, love and science we were pregnant with our twin boys Brady and Carter, due in October 2015. After some complications arose, I delivered the boys prematurely at 23 weeks and 2 days on June 15, 2015. They survive just under 24 hours in the NICU and we were able to hold them both as they left us on June 16, 2015. We became pregnant with our rainbow baby Cameron Beau (named with his brothers' initials and Beau being a play on rainbow baby) in January and he was born just over a year after I was due with his older brothers. The three boys all coming from the same IVF cycle, but Cameron was frozen for a year. I am currently pregnant, just about 5 weeks, and this time it was completely natural and unexpected! We are being closely monitored and go for our first ultrasound tomorrow morning to ensure that it is not a tubal pregnancy since I have a partial blockage. 

I was always an athletic person and very muscular when I was younger. I struggled with accepting my big muscular legs as being feminine. Now, I have lost a lot of that muscle and I am trying to accept my body for what it is. I don't have an overly negative self-image, but I do struggle with the baby belly, cellulite and flabby arms that I see in the mirror. At the same time, I have been pregnant 4 times in just under 4 years so I am trying to be patient with myself and appreciative of what my body can do. Having lost the twins I felt that my body had failed me and them in a lot of ways, but after being able to carry my son to term (41 weeks, no less!) I am working through some of that guilt. I am also trying to come to terms with my chest as it dramatically different. Granted, I was able to nurse my son for 14 months so there is a give and take that I am working on!

After the twins were born I did not notice much of a difference in my body. They were delivered vaginally, but were small and so no tearing or stitches were needed. After 9+ pound Cameron, I needed stitches and had bad hemorrhoids that made recovery difficult. Trying to nurse at all time of day and night while sitting was difficult for the first 1-2 weeks. Once I was past that point I was so proud that my body was able to nurse him. In fact, nursing helped me to lose the baby weight pretty quickly which was great. After I stopped nursing though some of the weight came back. I was in the process of trying to lose those few extra pounds when I found out that I am pregnant. So I will be happy with the weight gain!

I want everyone out there to know that infertility is nothing to be ashamed of and that they are not alone. Not until after our losses and the IVF journey did we realize that so many people around us shared similar stories or heartache. And why should we suffer alone and in silence? The other reason, and one of the biggest reasons that I do a lot of things that would normally be outside of my comfort zone is that this is an opportunity to honor my son and remember my twins. I did all of this because I was meant to be called "mom" and I want to honor that title by celebrating my boys as often as possible."

Sharisse

Sharisse (33) and Wilder (2). Sharisse had a miscarriage prior to conceiving Wilder and lost Wilder's twin in early pregnancy. 

Seattle, WA

Sharisse shares -

"My body is powerful, but it also has taken time for it feel like my own again. It is so different than it ever was, there are not only stretch marks but there is also pain I never had before my pregnancy.

I was ill and on bedrest much of my pregnancy. It was a very challenging process, no matter how excited I was. It was also hard to let go of the fear of losing him, when I had just had faced loss.

I am so inspired and awed by what women go through in our lifetime. The transition from maiden to mother is a passage I don't think our culture celebrates enough. There are so many expectations of a new mother, most that do not line up with the most important part, that deep connection between mama and baby.

Just breath and trust yourself."

Jessica Fischer Manuel

Jessica Fischer Manuel (40), James (5), Cooper (4), Hadley (23 months)

North Shore, Mass | Photographed in Portland, ME

Jessica shares - 

"I was diagnosed with PCOS in my twenties so I knew it was possible that I would have trouble getting pregnant. I married my husband at 31 years old and we started trying to have a baby right away. We went through four years of infertility tests, hormone replacements, and treatments before I finally conceived in March of 2010. At my 8 week ultrasound we discovered it was a twin pregnancy. We decided not to tell anyone because we wanted to reveal it to our mothers first, at our 12 week ultrasound.

Because I was considered a high risk pregnancy we went to see a specialist for the 12 week scan. As soon as the wand touched my belly, I knew something was wrong. My mother was there, my husband's mother was there, neither of them knew that it was twins and they were both so excited that they didn't notice. But Corey and I both knew. One of the twins had stopped developing shortly after my 8 week scan. The technician was very quiet, I could see the difference in the two embryos' size and she excused herself to get the doctor. When he came back in he asked our mothers to leave. He told us that yes, we had already lost one of the babies but that he was concerned for the other baby as well. The second baby had a rare neural tube defect called Anencephaly. It is a condition in which the babies body grows but it never develops a brain or skull. It is 100% fatal.

They told me I might miscarry on my own at any time during the pregnancy, I might give birth to a stillborn baby, or I might give birth to a baby that could live for a few moments. The only other option was to have a D&C. This was on a Friday and I would have to wait until Monday for the procedure. This was the only option as far as I was concerned. So I spent the weekend with the shades drawn. On Monday my husband and I went to the operating room and I had to sign paperwork that stated that I was consciously terminating my pregnancy. It seemed like a sick joke. All I had wanted was these babies, but because the baby with no brain still had a heartbeat, it was an abortion. It took another six months for me to feel like I could try again.

I got pregnant pretty quickly because we had figured out what combination of fertility treatments had worked for the first pregnancy. At the first ultrasound (this time at 10 weeks), I could hardly breathe because as soon as the wand touched my belly again, my husband and I saw two sacs and only one developing fetus. The technician couldn't say anything but we both knew we had lost another twin. After the scan we met with a doctor from the practice that I was using who walked in and said, "You have a demised fetus that probably stopped developing at about 8 weeks, and you should feel grateful that the other fetus seems to be developing normally." I'll never forget the words "demised fetus" or the notion that I should feel grateful after having lost three babies.

In my early twenties, I weighed well over 300 pounds. I had a gastric bypass surgery and lost about 175 pounds and had a tummy tuck and breast lift to remove twelve pounds of skin from my chest and abdomen. I wasn't comfortable with my body - fat, thin, pregnant, or postpartum. I have come close, a few times, to feeling confident with my size and shape, but only when I'm fully clothed. Having my babies has certainly given me a chance to be in awe over the strength, capabilities, and resilience of my body, and I definitely don't feel worse about myself postpartum, but I don't feel better either.

I have spent forty years dieting, eating, having surgical and laser procedures, and electrolysis, (to name a few things), all in an attempt to look beautiful. I will always have skin that sags on my arms and thighs, I will always have PCOS and fight hair removal, I am covered in stretch marks, and scars, and my belly button (which was created after my tummy tuck) is totally off center. I realized after my babies that I will never look exactly how I picture a beautiful person to look. And I had to stop chasing it, because if I didn't, the diets and surgeries and insanity would never end. And even though they would never end...I would still never be totally happy with how I looked.

Because of my first experiences I was a nervous wreck through both of my son's pregnancies. I didn't enjoy them and I had really hoped to. I wanted to be pregnant, to feel the baby kick, to feel my milk come in, to embrace each strange occurrence as I grew someone inside of me. But all I felt was fear. And every time there was a spot of blood in my pants, or a movement that took too long to feel, or I accidentally drank caffeinated instead of decaf, I would run to my doctor in a blind panic. Fortunately, both were very typical pregnancies even though I was high-risk and it was mostly my own irrational concerns that kept me up at night.

I didn't expect to get pregnant with my daughter. We thought because I had done fertility treatments to have the boys that I would need to do the same when we wanted to try for a third but I had to change a fertility appointment to a prenatal when I got pregnant on my own. I was far more relaxed with my third pregnancy even though it was the most physically difficult and the first time I experienced sciatica. Sciatica is no joke.

All three of my labors and deliveries were different. My water broke with James at 3 AM and I labored naturally for 18 hours and felt amazing. I couldn't figure out why women thought labor was painful. Then I hit transition and was begging, not only for an epidural, but for someone to knock me out cold so that I might have a shot at not remembering the rest. They started my epidural but had a difficult time with it and by the time I started to feel even a small amount of relief they told me to start pushing. I pushed six times and James was born.

When I started feeling contractions with Cooper, I told them to give me an epidural as soon as I walked into labor and delivery (hardly even dilated). They did and I progressed comfortably and quickly and after eight pushes, out came Cooper. I had false labor with Hadley twice so by the time it was the real deal I hardly made it to the hospital in time because I didn't want to be sent home again. I labored for a very short time with her and pushed about four times before she was born. I guess my easy births were a trade off for a terrible beginning to pregnancy.

I nursed all three babies. James had a weak latch because he was three weeks early and I used a nipple shield for about a month before we got a good rhythm. Cooper and Hadley latched immediately and Hadley was my most demanding nurser. Both boys weened around 10 months even though I wanted to try to go a full year. I had gone back to work when they were about three months old and they preferred the bottle so I pumped for the whole year and supplemented when I started to lose my supply.

The nursing was hard. The sleeplessness was hard. Each of my babies has been very different in their nursing, their sleeping habits, and their personalities. James talked before he turned one but didn't walk until he was 15 months old and needed PT for a year. Cooper started RUNNING at 10 months but hardly spoke until he was almost two. And Hadley. She's the boss. But they all turned out okay. Not just okay. Amazing. Every time I thought I ruined them, they bounced back. Every time I thought a screaming phase wouldn't end, it did. Every time I think it can't possibly get any better than this - that they couldn't possibly get any cuter, or funnier, or smarter, or more polite, ...it does, and they do.

I tried for a long time to create a perfect body, or what I thought a perfect body should look like. I had surgeries, I gained and lost hundreds of pounds, I grew, birthed, and fed, three complete beings. And I still never liked my vessel. This is the only body I get. I am trying so hard to love and appreciate it. I'm not there, but I'm getting closer. These photos are a step in that direction for me."

Emily Richter

Emily Richter (33), Susannah "Zanna" (3), James "Jamie" & Laura (Fraternal Twins - 2), Robert "Robbie" (7 weeks) 

Emily's most recent pregnancy also began as twins, but miscarried one baby around 9 weeks as she struggled with a severe GI bug.

Emily shares -

"Honestly, I think I care less about my body image than I did previously - I have bigger priorities, and very little time to spare.

I was pleasantly surprised to find out that parenthood was roughly what I expected it to be. That being said, parenthood with twins is an entirely different ballgame - that was a much bigger shock than with my first.

I feel it's important to take the time to pause and think about where you are periodically. This provides an opportunity for an honest snapshot of my "today" and will provide something to look back on as both I and my children grow in the years ahead."

Advice for other parents / your former self? "Find whatever works for you, and run with it. Advice is always well-intentioned, but many times it's offered from a place of specific experience which may not match your own situation (and find a pediatrician who's had children!)"