Carrie Gomes (29) Virginia (5), Patrick (5 months).
Richmond, VA
Carrie shares -
"Virginia is my strong willed, kind hearted girl. She does things on her own terms, in her own way. That’s kind of how her birth went, too. Virginia was born at a birth center, after about 13 hours of labor and an hour and a half of pushing. She came into the world sideways! Patrick, is pretty laid back, but will let you know when he wants something. He was born at home, after a fast and intense 4 hours! From the beginning he knew what he wanted and he isn’t afraid to show it!
I experienced one miscarriage, in March 2016. It was an unexpected pregnancy and an even more unexpected loss. It wasn’t something I ever imagined would happen to me. I had already had one amazing pregnancy and birth, of course I could do it again; but that didn’t happen. At 9 weeks gestation the fetus was no longer viable, I didn’t physically miscarry until 12 weeks. But prior to the 12 week mark, I just didn’t “feel pregnant” anymore. Then I got the flu, then bronchitis, once I was finally healthy, my body decided to miscarry. I started spotting on a Monday, I called my midwife to let her know; my appointment was on Wednesday. Wednesday came and we couldn’t hear a heartbeat. After verifying with an ultrasound, the pregnancy was over...just like that. I decided to miscarry naturally, at home. I called a good friend, went for a walk, then labor began. It was a dreadful feeling, being in labor and knowing I wouldn’t get a baby. Once things started to pick up some, I made my husband take Virginia to dinner, with his parents. I needed to be alone.
He got home minutes after I gave birth. I was sobbing like I’ve never done before. The whole experience was so surreal; I wanted to be alone, but I didn’t expect to feel so lonely and empty. Explaining the loss to Virginia was difficult. She talked about “the baby that didn’t make it” everyday for months. Even now, almost 2 years later, she still talks about that baby. We speak very frankly and fondly of the baby. And we are forever grateful that we got another chance to be pregnant. We have our rainbow baby, Patrick, and our family is complete.
Having a daughter has changed how I speak about my body immensely. I never want her to look in the mirror and feel inadequate or self loathing. I speak about our bodies using words like: healthy, strong, fit, beautiful. My body may not be “top notch”, but it has done some amazing things! I’ve grown tiny humans, ran half marathons, and completed a triathlon. I have muscles and a bit of fluff, but this body, my body, is fucking amazing!
After having Virginia it was so easy. I had help for 3 weeks back to back, I got to nap, watch Netflix, and enjoy being a new mom. My only issue was breastfeeding. I thought it would be easy, baby would know exactly what to do and it would be great! Virginia gained less than 3 pounds in 5 months. I wasn’t making enough. I’m supposed to be able to feed my baby, why couldn’t I do it?!
My husband had the idea for donor milk. We looked into, found an amazing long term donor, and my baby gained 2 pounds in one month because of supplementing. We had an amazing nursing relationship that lasted 18 months and I was able to keep giving her breast milk until she was two!
Postpartum with Patrick has been a whole other ball game. Having a rambunctious 4 year old and a new baby, is hard. I didn’t get to chill, I got a lot less help this time, and I had a lot of anxiety. When my anxiety would “flare up” I would have fits of anger. I would yell, throw things, and then feel horrible and cry about it. I ended my maternity leave 2 weeks early because I couldn’t be at home anymore. I need work, I need to use my brain for things that aren’t mom-related; I realize that and I am a better mother because of that. Along with work, comes pumping. My breasts don’t respond well to the pump. Thankfully, our nursing relationship is great, but I was still mentally prepared to need donor milk again. And we do have a donor who is wonderful. It’s such a relief to know that my baby is still getting breastmilk, even if I can’t make enough for him while I’m away.
It is so cliche, but so true: you cannot pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself; make yourself a priority. Whatever it is that you need to do, do it! Take a shower, go to a movie, go for a run...your baby(ies) will be ok without you for an hour or two. They will be better off if you are happy and refreshed. Fill your own love tank, mamas. We need it!
At first, I didn’t want to {participate}. I didn’t think my story was interesting enough; I mean everything was/is fine and normal. My story isn’t one of great tragedy or with an amazing outcome, it’s normal. Normal is ok. However, my story is still unique and amazing to me and my family. That’s what I want to share, everyone’s life and experiences are important and amazing, no matter how “normal” they may seem. Share your story, let it be heard!"