Constance Gibbs (33 - she/her) and Charlotte Anne (16 months)
Encinitas, California | Columbia, MO
“I have been pregnant three times but only have one child earthside. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at seven weeks, five days. I found out during a routine ultrasound at eight weeks when the baby did not have a heartbeat. It was devastating. I chose to have a D&C a few days later. I then got pregnant with my daughter and experienced a subchorionic hematoma (SCH) in the first trimester. After a few terrifying weeks, the bleeding went away on its own. So when I started bleeding during my third pregnancy this summer, I desperately hoped it would go away. But, the bleeding did not stop. I bled for two weeks and finally miscarried naturally at home, sitting on the toilet in my bathroom. Miscarriage is very lonely and isolating. I used to think the hardest part is un-telling family and friends about the baby. But now I know the hardest part is trying to conceive after loss. It requires a lot of strength to heal your body physically and mentally and dive headfirst into the trauma that caused your pain in the first place. I’m still waiting for my second rainbow baby.
How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I felt like my body was not my own during pregnancy, birth and postpartum. I so badly wanted a healthy child. But miscarriage robbed me of any joy in pregnancy, and instead I was filled with anxiety and fear. My plan was to have an unmedicated birth, and I switched care from my OB to a hospital birth center in my second trimester. But at 36 weeks, I found out my daughter was footling breech. I tried everything to get her to turn head down including going to the chiropractor, laying on an ironing board with my feet in the air and doing handstands in the pool. But she did not turn. At 39 weeks, I had a scheduled cesarean birth. I was so relieved when I heard her first cry. I remember it felt like hours, but in reality it was only a few seconds.
What was your postpartum experience?
I felt like I had been robbed of a normal pregnancy and birth, so I was determined to breastfeed my daughter. It seemed like the only thing I had control over. But, I did not realize how all-consuming breastfeeding would be and how little control I actually had. The only thing I thought about was the last time my daughter ate and when she needed to eat again. Many moms told me that their baby weight melted off them while they breastfed, but I felt the opposite. I had to eat and drink constantly to produce enough milk. I went back to work after 12 weeks of maternity leave and had to be very diligent about pumping sessions and putting my baby first, which meant skipping meetings and missing out on lunch dates with coworkers. Toward the end, I was eating oatmeal and drinking Gatorade every day, and pumping after my daughter went to bed, just to make enough ounces for her to drink the next day. It was physically and emotionally exhausting, but it was everything to me to meet my goal. We made it to 14 months of breastfeeding! Breastfeeding is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but the thing of which I am most proud.
What is one piece of knowledge you'd pass along to your former self, or a new parent?
Don’t quit on your hardest day. There are going to be hard days. A lot of them. But you’re doing a good job! You’re doing what is best for you and your baby. And that’s all that matters.
Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?
I found a ton of postpartum and breastfeeding support in the Instagram community including through the 4th Trimester Bodies Project. Without these parents, I would have quit on my hardest day. But, I didn’t, and I’m proud of myself for not quitting. I wanted to be a part of 4TBP because I think the participants are so strong and resilient, and I want to acknowledge that I am strong and resilient, too, even if I don’t feel like that most days.
