Amanda Snelson

Amanda Snelson (33), mother to Ren (stillborn on 05.01.13), Iola (miscarried on 07.07.17), and Lee (pictured - born on 12.21.18)

Ozarks, Missouri | Los Angeles, CA

Amanda shares -

“Ren is our son, stillborn at 21 weeks due to pregnancy complications. He rocked my world, shattered my outlook on life, and expanded my perspective in ways that I couldn't have ever imagined. It's been a journey of healing after a traumatic pregnancy with multiple ER visits due to excessive bleeding from placenta previa and subchronic hematoma.

EpWhen I went into labor and went to the hospital, I had multiple infections including sepsis--which meant we needed to deliver immediately. My cervix was relaxed with a drug, I had an epidural (because I didn't want to feel anything), and I delivered Ren vaginally. We held him and took pictures of him, and then collected his ashes and spread them in the Big Sur River.

Years later, after running the LA Marathon and raising $1500 for Every Mother Counts, I was ready to try again for a living baby. Iola grew in my belly in what was a perfect pregnancy up until 16 weeks when my water broke unexpectedly. We went to the hospital, and again I immediately was infected with multiple life-threatening things. This time we decided on a D&E for expediency, which in some ways was more traumatic due to the sterile aspects of the procedure, and my regrets for not asking to see or collect the remains. After that experience, we were still ready to try again for a living baby.

This time I consulted my usual doctor, specialist, and alternative medicine. I have a multiple-page list of things I did to prepare my body, mind, and spirit for pregnancy and labor. Everything went according to plan, with a cervical cerclage, weekly progesterone shots, acupuncture, special diet, and multiple forms of stress management. Lee was born vaginally without any interventions or complications in the same hospital with some of the same midwives and nurses where Ren and Iola were lost. My incomplete circles had been closed by Lee's euphoric arrival. We are so very grateful for her, and will tell her of her big brother and sister that support her in ways she'll never truly know.

How has parenthood impacted your body image? 

After my two pregnancy losses, I barely had any bodily changes. Though, after our double rainbow baby, Lee, I am surprised at how much I care about my body image. It has changed so much in the past year. I gained over 50 pounds through my pregnancy due to the high risk and having to limit my activities. After Lee was born, I assumed I wouldn't care about anything but her -- but I found myself weeping over my clothes that wouldn't fit when trying to get dressed for a pediatrician appointment. Overall, I'm very proud of my body and what it has accomplished, but there are moments of vanity that surprise me--when I look in the mirror and discover yet another stretch mark or cellulite dimple. I should be grateful, yet I can't help but click on ads for weight loss. It's a strange feeling.

What was your postpartum experience?

Postpartum with my two losses was absolutely devastating. When my milk came in, I was leaking everywhere, and I had never felt so empty. I wouldn't have cared if I died or lived in those moments after loosing my first two children. With Lee, I mostly cry of overwhelming joy. It's an incredible feeling, to be so happy and so grief stricken at the same time.

What is your truth?

Surrender. Surrender to uncertainty, to imperfect outcomes, to not being in control.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story? 

I'm continuously inspired by all of the bodies that birth new life -- the womb and the birth process is sacred. It's a delicate, thin veil between life and death, one that I know all too well. Lifting that veil and sharing each other's stories, however imperfect and joyous and devastatingly beautiful all at once--that is the meaning of life and what keeps me going.

Caroline Dahlstrom

Caroline Dahlstrom (35), Robbie (6), Shay (2), and Wilder (6 months)

Boston, MA | Burlington, VT

Caroline shares -

“I saw my body as having a purpose. In my first 2 pregnancies I was so excited and grateful to be pregnant. It was amazing that I could grow babies, birth them, sustain them with only my breastmilk for months, and continue to nurse them into toddlerhood. Although it was strange having my body change so rapidly when I was pregnant, and then see it become something entirely different after giving birth, I accepted it as a necessary part of the process. There were days where I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror and almost did a double take. But, there was a wonderful purpose to these changes and even when my brain didn’t quite compute what was going on, I accepted every new shape my body took as necessary to grow healthy children.

Then I got pregnant with my 3rd child, and because I had my daughter early at 35 weeks I had to get weekly shots and frequent check ups to try and ensure I carried to term. Everything seemed to be going fine, and I was again so grateful for what my body was doing. At 28 weeks my water broke and everything changed. Despite medical interventions, I was only able to stay pregnant 5 more days before I developed a serious infection and had to go in for an urgent cesarean. Wilder was born at 29 weeks weighing almost exactly 3 lbs. He had a long NICU stay and continues to struggle with different health needs. My feelings of gratitude and respect towards my body have vanished. I now feel that it let me and my child down in the worst way possible. My body could have killed my child. Because my body was unable to carry to term he has to endure so much. I am really struggling with viewing my body as a failure.

My postpartum time with all 3 of my children has been hard. The first 6 weeks with my oldest 2 were wonderful. I was sleep deprived, sore and figuring out how to nurse, but mentally I was great. I just felt so in love with my children and had a sense of calm purpose. At about the 6 week mark with both, postpartum anxiety hit. I didn’t fully realize what was going on with my oldest, so it took me a while before I got help. Thankfully I was much more on top of it with my daughter and sought out medication and counseling ahead of time, so it felt much more manageable. With my youngest son everything has been different. I have filled out half a dozen of those screening surveys for postpartum depression. Every time I scored high, but who wouldn’t? I had to leave my child in the hospital in an isolette hooked up to IVs and monitors and breathing tubes. Answering questions like, “do you cry every day?” seemed a little ridiculous. I couldn’t differentiate between what was normal processing of what we were going through and what was postpartum. I still can’t really.

My truth about parenting is literally that, the truth. Be brave enough to tell the full truth. I’ve found that it can be easier to gloss things over and give generic happy answers to everyone. Most people when they ask how you are expect something along the lines of “I’m good” or “I’m tired, but good.” I’ve started answering truthfully. Sometimes that means I say “I don’t know” because truthfully I don’t know how I am in that moment. Sometimes that means I say “not so good today” because I am struggling, or Wilder is, or my 6 year old is struggling because all of this has turned his world upside down as well. Some people are taken aback by these more truthful answers, but I’ve also found some wonderful people who stay and listen to the hard stuff. Sometimes they even share some of their hard stuff. This started for me because I just got too tired to pretend I wasn’t struggling, but I have found I enjoy these genuine interactions so much more.

One of my very good friends tagged me in an Instagram post when you announced you were coming to Burlington. At the time I had just had my son, he was still in the hospital and I was in a fog. Something made me keep coming back to your page though, and the stories of mom’s struggles and fears spoke to me. Then I finally read Ashlee’s story, I think it was about a month after we brought Wilder home from the NICU and were just starting to discover some of his long term health needs. I was struggling with what life was going to look like for him, and for me. We were heading towards a feeding tube and that scared me. My hesitation in participating in this was much more about him than me. I wasn’t sure I was ready to share him, g-tube and all. When I read your story of having a child with special needs I felt that I could let my guard down a little. Taking pictures of me in my bra and underwear seemed much less intimidating than taking pictures with his feeding tube showing. I wanted to share him too, as much as my other children, and this felt like a safe space to do so.”

Kristen Moracco

Kristen Moracco (29), Eden (3), and Archer (1)

New York | Nashville, TN

Kristen is a previous project participant. You can view her original photo and story from 2015 here.

Kristen shares -

“After having my daughter prematurely, I felt in many ways that my body had failed me. I had less confidence and felt really horrible that I couldn't keep her in longer. I participated in this project before she turned 1, and now here I am again. Since the last time I was here, I have had a successful VBAC and the effects of this on my body confidence have been huge. I learned a lot about myself in the process of trying to achieve my VBAC - I learned how to advocate for myself when my doctors wouldn't listen. I learned that my body wasn't a ticking time bomb, but actually a safe place for my son to grow. And I learned how to express my wishes, and make changes to them as I wanted. All of that improved my confidence in myself and my own body image.

My VBAC was amazing. Everything went well, my birth plan was there but I made changes to it as I wanted to - on my terms, with my permission. I was in control. So, I felt like I was on this amazing birth high for a long time! My husband made it home from his deployment 6 days before my delivery, and had to leave again 2 weeks later. Unfortunately, I got very ill with bronchitis, and that wasn't very pleasant especially as I tried to care for two little ones by myself. It was a tough adjustment at times, but I felt strong as I went through it all, knowing that I was doing this even sick, with my husband away on a very dangerous trip - and I was getting us through it. I also had the blessing of meals - 3 or 4 times a week for 6 weeks, from my lovely next door neighbor who I hardly knew, but she cared for me and my family in such a way, I feel like she is family now! And after this time in my life of solo-parenting, when I am faced with new challenges or deployments, I KNOW that I have the strength in me to get through it all.

Trust your instincts. My first doctors, who I thought would be the best since I chose a well-known hospital in a close major city, were actually awful. They didn't listen to me when I told them the Makena injections I had to receive were too expensive and causing really unpleasant side effects. The high risk OB suggested if I can't afford them, to just "deal with" having another preemie. That was the last straw for me. I switched to an incredible midwife group who works amazingly well with their high risk OBs, and was so happy to have that support in reaching my VBAC goal. If something seems wrong, it probably is.

I am thrilled to be back to share my VBAC and this positive experience. I love this movement and the confidence it gives to so many!”

Jenny Fullerton

The fantastic Jenny Fullerton with her children Chase (almost 5), fraternal twins Eli and Bryce (3) and Grace (8.5 months). Jenny had a textbook first pregnancy with Chase. Things went really well and other than some morning sickness in her first trimester, she felt great and was able to have an uncomplicated vaginal delivery in hospital. Her second pregnancy went very well and when she went in for her first ultrasound at 20 weeks was surprised to learn that she was carrying twins. She unexpectedly went into labor at 30 weeks 4 days and delivered via cesarean. Her boys were taken to NICU and Eli developed a bilateral Grade III IVH and post hemorrhagic hydrocephalus. Bryce was able to come home in 38 days and Eli spent 44 days in NICU. Eli had to have a reservoir placed and ultimately underwent a endoscopic third ventriculostomy/choroid plexus cauterization procedure (ETV/CPC) to treat his hydrocephalus. He's been doing great since. Her pregnancy with Grace was a little more taxing. Jenny's doctor was worried that she may go into premature labor again so she had to have progesterone shots throughout her pregnancy which made her feel really sick without out. She went into labor with Grace at 39 weeks and was able to have a successful VBAC without complication.

Jenny has been able to breastfeed all of her children. She nursed directly with Chase for three months and then pumped exclusively until he reached a year. She was able to nurse the twins in NICU and then pumped exclusively for them as well. She's been able to nurse Grace exclusively without any issues. Two years after her twins were born, Jenny realized she was suffering from PTSD and sought treatment. Almost immediately after Grace was born, she realized she was facing some Postpartum Depression but is doing well with the help of her doctor and therapist.

Jenny has always had a difficult time with her body image and wants to embrace her accomplishments and celebrate her journey through motherhood.