Jessica Althoff

Jessica Althoff (41), Tino (2.5), and Gus (3.5 months)

Los Angeles, CA

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

In the first weeks postpartum, I felt embarrassed to even have my 2 year old see me naked. But I am now okay with it. I realize I likely will never have my "pre-baby body" back, but oh well. A few years ago, I saw something that said, “you'll have a baby body as long as you have a baby”. Just seeing this helped me immensely as it gave me permission to cut myself some slack. I still have two babies, so I still have my "baby body" and will for a few more years. I obviously have a some self-consciousness, especially living in an area where people are so fit. But, it is my body and I am learning to love it.

What was your postpartum experience?

I planned to have a non-medicated birth and practiced self-hypnosis in the months prior to and early hours of Tino's birth. I went to the hospital feeling so confident and relaxed, and very little pain. It did NOT go as planned and several hours later I was given pitocin, followed by an epidural (I just could not find it in me to self-hypnotize those pitocin contractions away or recover from them in time to get ready for the next one). 24 hours later, I had an emergency cesarean. I was devastated and tried to talk the doctor out of it. I felt like a failure.

But, we had a very healthy baby. I know I should have been ultimately grateful but I still felt like I had failed our baby and that my doctor could have waited (I know she couldn't). I follow a lot of holistic and natural mama bloggers online and I allowed myself to fall into the belief that the natural home birth is the best way. I felt guilty for the better part of a year and then again when I got pregnant with our second baby. I knew going into it that I would need another cesarean and started feeling guilty months before he was born. I know that both of my guys were born healthy and with no complications because of the surgeries, but that didn't initially help with the guilt.

The second one was scheduled, so was less stressful but the recovery felt harder. Maybe it is the toddler at home. I felt sad for him because I could no longer carry him and let him play on me. I missed holding his little body and being able to comfort him by carrying him. He is still a baby and in one day had to grow up just a little bit.

Postpartum is really easy and really hard all at the same time. There are moments when I feel like that this is the only thing I was born to do and things are exactly as they should be, like breastfeeding my second baby. And then there are moments when I am sure they would all be better off without me. There are moments when I am lying in bed with my little guys and I just can't help thinking how wonderful life is. And then there are moments when I am convinced I will lose them both too early. I sometimes feel like I have everything handled, dinner is cooked and no one is crying. And then there are times when all three of us are crying. To me, having a toddler and an infant is a lot like triage. Much of my stress comes from constantly having to decide which baby needs their needs met first. This decision always makes me feel guilty. So, there is a lot of guilt baked into my motherhood experience but there is a lot of joy also. I find that I am the most relaxed and happy when we are just at home, snuggling. Or both kids are asleep on me. I love this stage so much and I already miss Gus's fourth trimester.

What is your truth?
It doesn't get easier but you get stronger and better at it. Also, say yes to ALL of the help.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I started following on Instagram and the images are so beautiful. I am desperate to really soak in this time with my babies. It is so fleeting. I thought this would a way to have a keepsake. And also to be a part of something that is greater than us.

Rachel Minick

Rachel Minick (33), Amelia Ryan (5), and Matthew Clark (2)

Asheville, NC

Rachel shares -

“I have struggled with body image issues since elementary school and have continued to struggle during adulthood. I gained a significant amount of weight with each pregnancy. It took two years postpartum for me to feel like I had the time and energy to take care of myself the first time. Getting back to a pre-baby body was not a goal, but I found a strong and healthy version of my body right before I found out I was expecting again. It has once again been two years and I am at the once again at the beginning of the journey of health and well-being. I try to focus on the great things that my body has accomplished through motherhood as a way to build positive a body image and acceptance of where my body is at this time. One of my biggest fears is that I will pass my body issues down to my children. I am working to show them that I love and appreciate my body at any size but at the same time I want them to see me put health and well-being as a priority.

Before I knew that I was pregnant with my firstborn, I saw her in dreams and visions. The pregnancy was healthy with no complications until delivery. The induction process started gradually, but by mid-day the day of Amelia's birth, it was clear that there was going to be more interventions than desired. Labor continued for a few hours but ultimately changed to an evening in the OR for an urgent cesarean. The days and months that followed contained many moments that felt like complete failure.

Nursing was difficult from day one, requiring a nipple shield for 10 months. I was shocked by how unnatural breastfeeding felt and was overwhelmed by not producing enough at the pump while working during the day. However, once she weaned from the nipple shield and I stopped pumping at work, our nursing relationship was strengthened and continued for another 2 years. It ended gently and in the right time.

With my second pregnancy, I once again had an uneventful gestation. The hospital where I delivered my first was not open to VBAC delivery so I consulted with another hospital in a different city, but they said they would not allow me to try for a VBAC with an induction so I scheduled a repeat cesarean at my home hospital. The repeat cesarean was healing in so many ways as I had come to accept the best way for my body to deliver a healthy baby is to have them "lifted into the world" as my midwife said. Nursing was easier and we felt more relaxed as parents the second time around.

I think it is important to share and stories to bring connection to people who find themselves following this movement from the depths of the "parenting forrest" as people in my circles say. I have found that the more stories I share, the more connection and less isolation I feel. I excited and grateful to be apart of this movement.”

Andrea Leoncavallo

Andrea Leoncavallo (37), Everett (4), and Leigh (1)

New Jersey | Portland, OR

Andrea shares -

"I have always had a very healthy, fit body. Although my self image has always been that I'm too chubby, not pretty. When I look back at myself in photos I'm shocked because I look so much more fit than I even thought I was. After my first pregnancy my body recovered quickly. After my second it hasn't. I've gained weight, I have stretch marks and I don't recognize my body as I once did. I'm trying my best to be comfortable in my own skin. That's a big part of my participation in this project.

I have now had two cesarean births. The first was because of a complete placenta previa. So I came to terms with that as necessary to saving my baby's life and my own. I was able to walk postpartum with him and felt like I got back in shape within a year. My second birth I desperately wanted a home birth VBAC. I interviewed half a dozen midwives to find the team I thought was best for me. My pregnancy was perfect and I thought nothing could stop me from having the natural home birth I always wanted.

Until I never went into labor. At 43 weeks I was forced to go into the hospital for induction and even though I pushed for 4 hours I couldn't birth my baby and ended up with another cesarean. The recovery took 3 months and my body has still not recovered as it did the first time. I feel like I've lost such strength in my core and pelvic floor and I'm determined to find a physical therapist to help me get stronger again. My core is still so flabby and jiggles like jelly. I've had to buy a whole new wardrobe because even shirts that fit me before are now too tight. I'm struggling with my body in a new way because I'm mostly proud of what it's done but I can't fully quiet those voices in my head that tell me it's not pretty anymore and that I'm fat and I need to fix it.

I think this project is so important. I'm deeply inspired and I couldn't not participate when I found out it would be in Portland. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to share my story and for you to photograph me with my children during this time when I'm struggling so hard every day to keep my head above water. 

I think my truth is that our society raises us to believe in unattainable standards of beauty (for most people). I don't want to live in that society anymore. I want to tell myself every day that I'm strong. My voice is strong and it matters. I am enough. I am a warrior and fighter and I can do this.

Danielle Jahn

Danielle Jahn (40), Kerrigan (2), and Sawyer (9 months)

Davenport, Iowa | Photographed in Seattle, Washington

Danielle shares - 

"I never really wanted kids growing up and for most of my adult life believed that I didn't want children. I even joked that my biological clock must have been defective. Until one day I decided that I did want children. I was 34 at the time and my husband and I decided to go ahead and try for a baby.

Unfortunately, this was not an easy journey for us, and after trying for some time we began treatment for infertility. Our first medicated cycle yielded a pregnancy, but resulted in an early miscarriage. We proceeded to have 7 more medicated cycles and 5 IUIs before seeing another positive pregnancy test, only to experience another early miscarriage. During this time we underwent extensive testing to see if we could determine why we were struggling to conceive and why I was losing pregnancies once we did. Every box on the RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) form had been checked off when we finally learned that, due to some genetic composition, half of our embryos would be rejected by my body because they would be too similar to my own genetic make up that my body wouldn't recognize them as babies and would treat them as a foreign object that didn't belong in my uterus and would attack and kill them.

As we sat in my RE's office after our 9th medicated cycle and 6th IUI discussing my IVF protocol for my next cycle, my RE told me to expect more losses through my journey. At this point we had been through two years, two confirmed losses (I actually suspect that I had another early loss before we sought treatment that was never confirmed), a lot of tears and a lot of heartbreak. We steeled ourselves for what was ahead and accepted that our journey would likely have more losses, more tears and more heartbreak, but everyone was confident that it would end with a baby. Unbeknownst to us, as we were sitting in the RE's office having these discussions, our 9th (and final!) medicated cycle and 6th IUI was successful and just days later I would have another positive pregnancy test.

We held our breath as our beta numbers continued to increase, and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, but at 5 weeks everything was progressing as expected, at six weeks there was a heartbeat and it looked like this pregnancy was going to stick. I had some bleeding early on, after we confirmed the heartbeat, which really shook me, and I was put on progesterone for the duration of my first trimester. I was anxious my entire pregnancy, constantly expecting something to go wrong. I ended up buying a fetal doppler to listen to her heartbeat daily just to quell my anxiety.

At 12 weeks there were some anomalies on her scan, and we had to complete some additional testing and a fetal echocardiogram, which again, didn't help my anxiety, but everything came back perfect. Eventually it sank in that I was probably going to take this baby home. I started feeling movements and I loved every one of them. While eventually I did calm down some, I remained anxious through the duration of my pregnancy.

At 34 weeks I started measuring ahead somewhat significantly and ended up having weekly NST and BPPs. While this might have stressed some people out, I loved my weekly glimpses at my little girl and looked forward to the journey out to the MFM's office each week. At 39 weeks we did a second growth scan and it was estimated that she was going to be 9 pounds 15 ounces. I was right on the cusp of where a c-section would be recommended, but I had a sturdy, wide frame that seemed favorable for a vaginal delivery, so the doctor was game to try. We met with my OB after the growth scan results and had a long conversation with him. While I very much wanted a vaginal delivery, our primary goal was for a healthy mom and a healthy baby after the delivery. Because of the fertility treatments, there was no guess work about our due date, and there was no doubt the baby was continuing to grow. I had no signs of labor, the baby was still high, I wasn't dilating or ripening and the OB was concerned that if she's not progressing on her own, there was a reason that was the case. He advised us that a vaginal birth was going to be difficult because of her size. I would not be a candidate for induction and they would not be able to utilize delivery aids, such as forceps or vacuum if we stalled during labor.

Ultimately, we decided to give her until her due date to come on her own and put a cesarean on the calendar for the following day. Unfortunately, her due date came and went without so much as a single contraction - despite bouncing on a labor ball all day for the week prior, eating chocolate cake, etc. you name it, I tried it! So we arrived at the hospital and my daughter was delivered via cesarean. The birth was fine, but I was shattered when they handed her to my husband while I was stitched up, because I was told I could hold her in the operating room. To this day, thinking about this upsets me. In the end, my OB told me that I wouldn't have had a successful vaginal birth because her shoulders were too broad and she would have gotten stuck, so we had made the right decision in opting for the cesarean, but I still mourn the loss of that experience and have regrets about it today.

When it came time to have my son, everything about the experience was different. I conceived him immediately and unassisted - I shouldn't have even have been ovulating at the time! And I knew, just knew, that I was pregnant. The first test I took (way too early...you'd think after 22 negative tests you'd know better!) was negative and it really opened up a lot of emotions that I wasn't prepared for and didn't expect. I had a good, long cry and moved on. But I still had this feeling that I was pregnant. One morning I woke up with a headache and was going to take some Advil at the office, but just knew I should test first, and sure enough that test gave me the faintest positive! We called the doctor right away to have labs done to check both my HCG and monitor my progesterone, and my progesterone returned low so I was given supplements again.

I replay that day in my head all of the time, wondering what would have happened if I hadn't had a headache that day. Would I have added another loss to my tally? This pregnancy was so different than my first, simply because it was "normal". By the time I finally saw my OB for a confirmation of heartbeat, I'd had at least 5 ultrasounds with my daughter. And while I was still anxious this pregnancy, and I still pulled out my doppler nightly, I was also a lot more relaxed.

There were no complications, no concerns and things just progressed. I throughly enjoyed every moment of being pregnant again. We had a growth scan at 36 weeks, given how large my daughter had been, and they were estimating him to probably be about 9.5 pounds at birth. We'd already discussed the possibility of a VBAC with my OB and he was on board. We again gave him until his due date to arrive, but put a cesarean on the calendar just in case. Again, we approached my due date and the baby was measuring large. Again, I had no signs of labor starting. Again, I was in the same situation I found myself with my daughter. I was really disappointed, but had also at some point accepted that it was likely I was going to end up here and with a repeat cesarean.

Sure enough we reached my due date, and despite having had contractions just a few days before due to a stomach bug and severe dehydration, I wasn't so much as a single centimeter dilated. So we went in for our cesarean, only this time I told anyone and everyone who would listen that I wanted to hold my baby in the operating room. My husband knew that he was to direct the baby to me if he was offered and did not dress for skin to skin this time. As it turns out, Sawyer was 10 pounds, 4 ounces and almost 23 inches long. My OB, again, felt that we had made the best choice in opting for the cesarean and I got to nurse my son for the duration of my time in the OR. While I still mourn not having the birth experiences that I wanted, my experience with Sawyer was a very healing experience for me. It wasn't the VBAC that I'd hoped I'd get, but it helped me close a lot of wounds from by birth with Kerrigan and I am forever grateful that I had the opportunity to experience that.

I think that becoming a mother has had a positive impact on how I view my body. One of the advantages of being an older mother is that I have had a fair amount of my life to come to terms with who I am as a person and accept some things about myself that I definitely needed time and age to accept. But, now that I'm 40, I'm proud of my body for what it has done and not what it looks like. And while there are things about my body that aren't my favorite, I try to be kind to myself and remind myself that choosing to love myself sets an example for both of my children. I am hopeful that showing my daughter that I can be happy with my imperfections will teach her to also love hers, and that she can be successful and happy regardless of her appearance. I'm also hopeful that setting an example for my son will help to shape how he will define beauty and strength in the women he meets throughout his life.

After the birth of my daughter, I experience fairly severe PPD and PPA. I am told that this is fairly common with women who experience infertility and loss, but that doesn't make it any easier to experience. After we brought my daughter home I literally did not sleep for two weeks. I was absolutely convinced that if I feel asleep and no one was watching her, I would wake up and she would be dead. As a result, I also began to imagine myself doing terrible things. I was so afraid that I refused to walk past the railing upstairs if I was holding the baby.

Eventually all of this would build up into a rage and all I could do was yell about anything and everything. I didn't know who this person was, or why I had become this person. It was a horrible time and I struggled so much with just being myself. This isn't what motherhood was supposed to be and this isn't who I wanted to be as a mother. I had grown up around babies and kids, I thought I would be so good at this and everything would just come naturally to me, but it didn't and it was much harder than I ever expected and I had a really hard time admitting that and an even harder time accepting it.

Eventually I sought out help, but I was resistant to utilizing medication and chose to treat by just seeing a therapist. In hindsight, I think that was a mistake and I made my own recovery significantly more difficult than it needed to be. But I did learn a lot about myself and a lot of strategies to help control my anxiety and anger/temper. Even though I know my daughter has no memories of these things, I still feel terrible to this day about those first few months of her life. As we geared up for the birth of my son, I all but begged my OB to send me home with medication for PPD/A. I simply could not go through that again, and I could not put my family through it either. He encouraged me to wait and see what happened after the birth before jumping right into medication. He advised me to get out of the house every single day, even if it's just to walk around the block and see if we couldn't head off another PPD journey. He would provide me the medication in a heartbeat if I needed it, all I had to do was call, but he really wanted me to hold off on jumping right into taking it. I reluctantly agreed. And, surprisingly, my postpartum journey this time was like night and day. I don't know if it's because I knew what to expect this time, or if it was because I was an old pro at nursing, or because I did make a point to leave the house daily. But I felt wonderful - this was the postpartum journey I had expected to have after my daughter, this is what I had imagined motherhood would feel like. It was so good for me to have this experience because it healed me in so many ways. My heart, my soul, my sense of motherhood and who I was as a mother. I didn't know how much I truly needed to have had this experience until I had it and I remain forever grateful to have been given the opportunity.

You are going to lose yourself to motherhood, I think that is unavoidable. You will never be the person you were before you had kids. It will be hard to realize that reality and you will sometimes question who the fuck you even are anymore because you don't recognize the person you've become. And it's hard, because you love your kids - but you also have to love yourself. It is imperative to find something for yourself outside of motherhood. A hobby, activity or sport. Something that belongs just to you - not you the mother, you the person. It's hard and I still struggle with it myself, but it's my current journey and I have realized the importance of maintaining some semblance of my own identity outside of just being "mommy".

I have been following the project for some time. I have always believed the women who participated were very brave for exposing both their physical and emotional vulnerabilities such a beautiful way. But through my own journeys I have come to realize that unless you take those risks and put your own truth out there, you never have the opportunity to really look at yourself and take the steps necessary to heal so that you can move forward without being stuck in your own history. I believe that my history shapes me into who I am now, but I'm ready to move past letting my history define me in this moment. While I have no problems openly sharing my experiences with others, privately I still have a really hard time keeping old wounds closed. When I saw that you were coming to Seattle, I decided that I am also ready to be brave and vulnerable and finally start to heal."

Kristin Dietz

The amazing Kristin Dietz, Deegan (6) and Jacob (2).

Kristin's motherhood journey, like so many other women, has been one with more unexpected twists and turns than she would have ever imagined. She met her partner 17.5 years ago and at the time, in their very early 20's; found it to be a time in which their careers and having fun were what mattered most but she always knew she wanted to be a mom. "Being a lesbian couple in the early 2000's, conceiving a baby seemed something that was so far out of reach financially and truthfully, my partner and I just weren't ready for that life; so, time marched on". In 2010, after selecting a donor and three IUI attempts, she became pregnant with their first son at the age of 31. "I remember feeling ecstatic by the positive pregnancy tests and relieved to know that my body "worked". Somewhere along the line while growing up, I had accepted the belief that something wasn't up to par with my body; my weight (too much), my height (too tall), my hair (not blonde enough, too short), my teeth (crooked)...these beliefs led me to hold a very strong belief that my body was not capable".

Kristin says that her pregnancy was beautiful. She had all day sickness, food aversions and was exhausted but it was one of the first times in her 31 years of life that she truly felt beautiful which made the struggles dim in comparison to how she felt emotionally. "The roundness of my belly, the softness of my thighs all had purpose and meaning as they symbolized the life I was carrying and growing inside and were not indicators of my failed body". Unfortunately, her OB appointments also started with conversations about her weight and how much weight she had gained as opposed to how she was actually feeling. Those numbers and the act of stepping on the scale became anxiety riddled events that only got worse the closer they got to her due date. September 2010, a week before her due date, Kristin had an OB appointment and at this point, had begun seeing a midwife within the practice as well. They were concerned that with Labor Day weekend approaching maybe it would be a "good idea" to induce her "just in case" her blood pressure went up over the holiday weekend. She had no idea to say no to this. So, she and her partner headed to the hospital.

Kristin was given Cervidal which after hours, had done nothing to soften nor open her cervix. Uncomfortable and hooked up to monitors, tethered to the bed, she decided to leave when her midwife came in at 2:30am to tell her that if she didn't make any progress in the next few hours, the next doctor coming on would send her home because she didn't believe in inducing before 39 weeks. They packed up her stuff that minute and left the hospital. During a non-stress test at 39 weeks 3 days, it was noted that her baby was having decels that weren't regulating themselves well. Kristin was sent to the hospital for further monitoring and an ultrasound. The OB on call and the maternal fetal medicine doctor came to see her and told her that they believed that the cord was around her son's neck and that she could labor but that it'd be hard on him and she'd probably end up with a c-section anyway.

Within an hour, she was in the OR having the spinal block placed and despite being scared, was smiling at the doctors and nurses like her life depended on it. "I remember the doctor and nurses talking over me about random topics and then hearing my son cry and then the doctor started counting...1,2,3,4,5,6,7. I demanded to know what they were counting and was my son alright. In the end, he had a nuchal cord times 7! Born on the 7th, at 7pm, weighing 7lbs with the cord wrapped around his neck 7 times. Deegan was our lucky baby."

"Then came the part that no one talked about...postpartum. Holding my son for the first time, I looked him, loved him and yet thought that he wasn't mine. Then day three came along with hospital discharge and lots and lots of tears. Why am I crying so much? I said to the nurse. "it's normal" is what they told me." Postpartum depression hit hard and long. Kristin cried all day long with a beautiful baby boy who also cried all day long, never slept, nursed nonstop and would vomit all over her all the time. Her partner would leave for work and return and she would be in the same clothes and sitting in the same spot. She sought out therapists who supposedly trained in the field of PPD/PPA but they admonished her for bringing her baby with her, as well as, for not doing infant massage. She never returned to those offices. "It was a rough year and a half. I mourned the loss of the birthing experience that I had just expected to happen for me, I mourned for the loss of my career identity and I mourned the inability to be able to truly communicate how and what I was feeling and in the time span, I had listened to the PPD voice inside that was shouting how i wasn't a good enough mother; I was a disaster." Through it all, they became a rockstar breastfeeding duo; he was a champ and she felt such gratification in feeling like she was doing something "right" for him. "For me, breastfeeding saved me because even though I felt like my body had failed me in birth, I knew I could breastfeed and redeem myself that way. My son nursed till right after his fourth birthday and after the birth of his little brother". 

Kristin knew that if she became pregnant again, she would do things differently. She conceived Jacob in January of 2014 and immediately, left the OB/Gyn practice she had been with and began interviewing midwifery groups. She found one with great stats related to VBAC's and a reputation of treating pregnancy as a naturally occurring phenomenom as opposed to a medical event. The treatment she received from them was a night and day difference. Kristin was cleared for a VBAC and interviewed and hired a doula who she thought would really be able to help her fight for the VBAC she wanted. She hired a friend to encapsulate her placenta and read as many positive birthing stories as possible. "I had a great pregnancy as well and I felt beautiful and goddess-like every day of it".

Week 40 came along and during her appointment with the midwives, it was determined that her blood pressure reading was elevated and that she needed to go to the hospital to be induced. "It brought back flashbacks from my first pregnancy and failed induction and I was reduced to angry, hot tears (and some curse words!) but I headed over to the hospital to be monitored anyways. I was scared. I was scared of having a failed induction and having to go into a c-section exhausted or in a possible emergency situation. Then, I was faced with an OB I had never met before. An OB who decided the best way to determine my fate was to take my weight, number of successful vaginal births (0) and plug that data into a computer program to show me my chances of having a successful VBAC. It was heart wrenching. I've never been so angry with someone and he was so cold and callous about the whole situation".

Kristin scheduled a repeat cesarean for the following morning and went home that night to say goodbye to life as a mother of one. Her birth was as beautiful as they come. All of the doctors and nurses were very excited and happy to help them welcome their son into the world. The curtain was lowered and she was lifted up so I could watch, Jacob, enter this world. "He was a big boy at 9 lbs 15 ozs and everyone cheered when he was born. He was weighed and then never left my chest even while being stitched back up". Recovery from a cesarean is never easy but overall, she was feeling great, breastfeeding was going well and she was happy that her wishes were respected by all of the medical staff. While Kristin went home mourning the changing of her relationship with her oldest, she knew that her emotions were normal for the postpartum period.

"I really thought I was going to skip PPD. Then my 9 week old son ended up in the ER with a high fever and he wasn't nursing well. When I requested that nurses not retract his foreskin when inserting a catheter, they chastised me and asked me if I could "handle" watching the catheterization or if I needed to leave the room. I stayed. It was traumatizing. Their lab tests found nothing. But Jacob's fussiness at the breast continued and intensified; so much so that I found myself at a lactation consultant's office trying to figure out what was wrong. No one knew. I started to feel like the "crazy mom" especially when no pediatrician or LC could understand what was going on. But I was persistent and kept on going back over and over until one visit with the LC gave me the suspected diagnosis of a lip tie and posterior tongue tie. I was happy for answers and the name of a world renowned specialist in New York to call and set an appointment but by this point, PPD and PPA had struck bigger than before and just seemed to grow in intensity as Jacob continued to refuse to nurse and his weight gain began to slow and eventually stop. The one things I was so confident in the ability of my body to do, breastfeeding, was failing me."

Kristin's relationships with her partner, oldest son, family and friends suffered because she was too terrified to leave the house because she had no way to feed her baby who couldn't take a bottle and could only nurse when laying down; she had never been so isolated. Jacob's ties were revised and through lots of work with an OT and at home, things got better and he's still nursing at 2. 

Kristin says that she has always envisioned having three children but doesn't know if she can physically, mentally and emotionally withstand it again. "My inability to do so could end up being one of my biggest heartbreaks despite it being the best decision for me and my family."

"Throughout the last few years, I have read every story of every woman that has been displayed by the 4th Trimester Bodies Project and with every picture and story I have learned something. With some pictures I have found grace and peace in knowing that I wasn't the only one walking a difficult path. I learned that despite the isolation I was feeling, I really wasn't alone. I also saw women who were strong and beautiful and great moms no matter their size, shape, color and stage of life. Love exuded from them; even from the moms with the toughest stories. So, I decided I wanted to share my story to not only help myself heal but to maybe let another mom out there know that I've walked that path that she has just embarked on and that it's going to be ok. Years from now, I want to look back on this experience and see a strong and beautiful mom, with her two boys whom she loves deeply, who made it through the roughest of seas and came out on the other side ok and possibly stronger than she was before. "

Michelle Carter

The marvelous Michelle Carter, mother to Miles (2) and Caroline (3 months).

Michelle had an uncomplicated pregnancy with her son Miles but says that when she got to about 38 weeks, she realized she wasn't comfortable with her doctor or the hospital model of care she had hired on for herself. Her doctor mentioned delivering via cesarean for the first time simply because she may not be around which Michelle was not at all comfortable with but felt it was too late to change providers. When Michelle reached 40 weeks without labor starting the steps to induce her began and continued over the course of the following week in and out of the hospital before she ultimately delivered via cesarean. Michelle had consented to an epidural after 21 hours of hard labor and Miles heart rate immediately dropped and did not recover. 

The staff she'd thought would support her did not at all seem on her side and she felt all alone as they prepped her for surgery. When Miles was out, her husband left with him and it was nearly an hour before she was able to meet him. Michelle had a very difficult time processing her birth and postpartum period. She grieved her birth and was saddened by her experience but felt that everyone she tried to talk to about it told her that she should be grateful she had a healthy baby and others had it much worse. She ultimately sought out a therapist who was able to help her and set her sights on having a healing VBAC a goal with her second birth. 

Michelle conceived again when Miles was about a year old and learned all that she could about VBACs. She hired a doula and found a midwifery practice that was supportive and friendly. Pregnancy went very well but when she reached 42 weeks without labor starting, it was suggested she go to the hospital she had delivered at previously for induction. Michelle was devastated and felt like she was repeating history. Her doula helped her write a birth plan with her wishes for her cesarean birth, all of which were respected by the hospital. She had as good of a birth as she could have given the circumstance, Caroline was put on her chest just moments after her birth and never left her side, yet Michelle still struggled with feeling as if her body hadn't done the things she'd been told and hoped it would be able to do. 

"I love being a mother but I hate how my children came into this world. It is something that eats at me everyday and I am struggling to find peace and healing. My son was born via an unplanned cesarean and it hit me really hard. After working for almost two years for a VBAC with my daughter, I was told at 42 weeks that this was not possible which threw me right back where I started. It was devastating and has made me feel so isolated and alone.

I wanted to participate in this project as a way to heal from the emotional trauma of my children's births. I want to be able to share my story without it being compared to anything else and hopefully feel like I am part of a community. "

Megan Popp

The marvelous Megan Popp, Genevieve (5), Oliver (3), Charlie (2), and Eloise (10 months)

Megan had a large uterine fibroid removed that was quite complex before she and her husband married. Because of the size and severity of the tumor it was determined that she would need to deliver any children via cesarean. Having always wanted a big family, Megan struggled with the uncertainty of whether or not that was possible. She made a decision early on that the only way she would be able to have multiple cesareans close together would be to try and take really good care of herself along the way. She began to focus on health and fitness in hopes of going into pregnancy with all the odds she could control in her favor.  

Once she began having children, all of Megan's pregnancies were considered high risk because of how involved her myomectomy was and she delivered via scheduled early cesareans around 36 weeks. Megan and her husband moved when she was pregnant with her third child and her new doctor suggested they perform a tubal ligation during delivery since she'd had three cesareans in three years and uterus may be at increased risk of rupture.  Megan pushed back and after seeing her uterus, the doctor agreed that she could handle a fourth pregnancy, but needed to wait at least 24-36 months before trying to get pregnant again. Even with birth control and exclusively breastfeeding, Megan found out she was pregnant with Eloise when Charlie was about 6 months old.

She was petrified and didn't know what type of risk she'd put herself or this baby in. Megan learned early on she had placenta previa with possible placenta accreta. The plan was to get her to 34 weeks and do a full cesarean hysterectomy. However, at her 30 week appointment they found that the placenta had shifted enough that they could push back to 36 weeks and she Eloise was delivered with no complications and Megan was able to keep her uterus.

"I think it's important for mom's to know how capable we are. People often talked about my diagnosis or multiple cesareans as if I was at a disadvantage or that I would never be able to run again (I'm a marathoner). I decided I wanted to be in control of what happened to my body as much as I possible could. I have a bad back, I have multiple kids who don't sleep through the night. I have a million reasons not to take care of myself, but taking care of ourselves is the very best way to serve those that we love. "

Lynsey

The lovely Lynsey, Dorothy (2.5), and Felix (10 months)

Lynsey had healthy pregnancy's with each of her children - with Dorothy, her doctor needed to leave town for a day so she suggested that they strip her membranes to see if it would jump start labor. Her water broke a few days later at 41 weeks but contractions did not keep going on their own. They started Pitocin to keep things moving and after a few hours she felt like she wanted to push. Lynsey was supported by her husband and a doula but after hours of pushing she was exhausted and not making progress, so the doctor recommended a cesarean and she was able to have Dorothy in her arms shortly thereafter. 

Lynsey thought that things would be different with Felix but she carried again post dates without any signs of labor or contractions. Her providers didn't feel comfortable inducing with her previous cesarean so she delivered without laboring at 41 weeks.

Breastfeeding has gone well with both of the kids and she's enjoying nursing them both today. 

"Being a mom is so different than I expected. It has connected me to so many other women in a way, that without being a mother, wouldn't be there. Being a mom is a sanctifying experience. I never realized how selfish I was until I had kids. They bring out the best and worst in me. Each day, I pray for grace to love them more than myself." 

Josie Crockett

The amazing Josie Crockett, mother to Gabriel and Logan (Fraternal Twins - 3) and Lucy (8 months). Josie also miscarried a pregnancy around 7 weeks on June 6th, 2014 (Guinn).

Josie has struggled with depression her whole life, and while pregnant with her boys it became even worse manifesting in postpartum depression and anxiety. Josie never sought help for her depression and when she found out she was pregnant with Lucy, her depression became even more intense. She knew then that she needed to talk to her doctor. 

Josie conceived her boys when she was just 19 and her boyfriend chose not to stay involved. She had a healthy pregnancy and delivered via cesarean at 39 weeks. She met her daughter's father when her boys were just 3 months old and says that the relationship was amazing. They were and are great friends but their partnership didn't work out. 

After giving birth to Lucy via repeat cesarean, Josie, had a very bad panic attack in the hospital and thought she was going to die. After that, her anxiety continued to increase and her postpartum depression made her not want to leave her bed. She couldn't get herself to shower, eat, or enjoy anything. Since then, Josie has been trying to address her depression and find what will help her to better cope and overcome her struggles. As single mother of three young children it isn't always easy but Josie tries to remind herself that she is doing the best she possibly can in the more difficult times. 

"I chose to participate as a way to empower myself on my journey to find self love and happiness. I want other women to know that no matter how hard the struggle may be, things do get better. And that while postpartum depression is very real, to never feel alone because there are so many of us who feel that way and who would do anything to help each other out. "

Megan Vaughn

The marvelous Megan Vaughn, Lawson (6.5), Jovie (5), and Lily (3.5)

Megan developed two high risk complications with her first pregnancy, a partial placental abruption and velamentous cord insertion. She felt lucky to avoid an emergency but the complications meant she had to schedule a cesarean birth after spending her last 10 weeks of pregnancy on bed rest. 

With all of her children very close in age, and her high risk history, Megan was not considered a VBAC candidate and delivered Jovie and Lily via cesarean, as well, after typical pregnancies. While Megan had not been very educated or opinionated on birth with her first she learned a lot along the way and even though she felt confident that a VBAC attempt wasn't a good choice for her, she became interested in Lotus birth and talked with her OB.  Megan's doctor was supportive and together they made hospital history by performing a modified Lotus Birth via cesarean. Lily was born with her placenta still attached and was able to nurse right on the operating table. Megan says she may still long to give birth vaginally but this experience was incredibly healing.

Megan believes that our culture puts too much pressure on women to look a certain way and the pressure is even harder postpartum. So many moms, even on first encounter, will speak of their need to lose the baby weight, or to be back in their old clothes. We are shown images of celebrities who bounce back like its nothing and these images are what our kids see. When adults idolize these celebrities our children are taught that to idolize those notions too. Megan says that she grew up with body image issues and dysmorphia her whole life, Her mom always spoke of herself negatively and she's determined to be the change for her kids. "Yes, I still struggle every single day, but I won't vocalize it. I try to set a good example with food & exercise. And by putting myself out there like this I'm hoping to be another unique, postpartum example that illustrates all bodies are beautiful."