Allison P.

Allison P. (27 - she/her) and Rowan (7.5 months)

Toronto, ON

How has parenthood impacted your body image?
I always wanted a baby. From the time I was young, all I wanted was to be a mother. I was told I would have a hard time getting pregnant because of some underlying hormonal issues, but on our first cycle of fertility treatment we conceived. I was so excited, so glad my body could pulled through for me, I was almost happy when I first experienced morning sickness because it meant my body was doing what it was supposed to do.

But the early morning sickness quickly became intense, and I was diagnosed with hyperemisis gravidarum. I was throwing up so much I had to leave work and go on disability. I lost over 50lbs in my first trimester, and found myself dealing with a fatphobic medical community. One doctor told me not to worry about my extreme weight loss because "[I've] got the weight to lose". On top of that, I started getting horrible pains and no one knew what was causing it, I had multiple hospital visits before someone finally realized that I was having gallbladder attacks. At 25 weeks pregnant I had surgery to remove my gallbladder and the doctor said it was so full of stones that it was like a hacky sack.

With all of my medical issues and being constantly sick, I became depressed and angry with my body. At the same time, I had so many people complimenting me for how great I looked. No one understood how bad the weight loss was, people treated it like this great side effect or some sort of silver lining. I was angry at others for seeming to care more about my weight than my health, and I was angry at myself for secretly liking to see the number on the scale decrease at every appointment. Internalized fatphobia is fucked.

After transferring care to a wonderful midwife, we decided not to check my weight any more and to focus on finding the right anti-nausea medication that would allow me to keep down a bit more food. I was finally able to eat more in my third trimester, and have definitely gained since giving birth, but I still haven't weighed myself since the surgery. Overall I'm proud that my body was able to grow and nourish this baby, even though at times it felt like he was draining my life force. I was soft and squishy before him, and I'm soft and squishy again. My body was his first home, and for that I am so grateful.

What was your postpartum experience?

In preparation for the birth I devoured Ina May and wanted to have a beautiful, natural birth where I "breathed out my baby" and connected to my inner earth goddess. I was totally unprepared for the absolute overwhelmingness of contractions, and after getting stuck at 5cm for hours I asked for an epidural (which was something I had never even contemplated before and would never have pictured for myself). Within half an hour of getting the epidural (and before it was fully working), I "popped" from 5cm to 10cm and it was time to push. After a few contractions pushing to move him down, just as you could see the very top of his head, my body gave one massive push and he came shooting out. If I hadn't seen it happening in the mirror, I wouldn't have believed it. I have weird feelings of failure surrounding the epidural, but I was really glad to have it for the two hours of repairs required after his super fast birth. We spent two hazy, blissful days in the hospital feeding on demand, co-sleeping (highly discouraged by all of our nurses), and getting used to this new little family of three. Once we got home though, shit really hit the fan.

Our first night home from the hospital I was so anxious that I couldn't sleep. Rowan spent hours attached to my nipples, and they were cracked and bleeding despite using the nipple shield provided by the hospital. It was suggested that I limit his feeds to 20 minutes, because after that he was "just using me for comfort" and "didn't really need it". I felt so overwhelmed that I did what I was told, even though it didn't feel quite right. My parents came to stay with us, and people took turns holding the baby all night because he would just scream if you set him down in his bassinet. On our third night home we all fell asleep while sterilizing pump parts and had a fire in our kitchen. Our apartment filled with smoke, and we woke up to my mom screaming "fire! there's a fire!" At 3AM on Christmas Eve morning, after dealing with firefighters and paramedics and watching my little baby get oxygen blown into his face, we all headed out in search of a hotel room for the rest of the night. The damage was minimal, but the smell of burnt plastic permeated the apartment and we decided to go stay at my parents’ home.

I hadn’t been feeling very well, but we assumed it was the stress of the fire, new baby, and recovering from labour. At my parents’ home we were three hours away from my medical support, so we were doing regular phone consultations and weight checks using a sling scale my wonderful midwife had lent us. We were concerned about a fever which developed on Christmas Day, but I had no other symptoms at all. No breast or abdominal tenderness, no weird discharge, nothing else to indicate what might be wrong. After a few days of steadily worsening fever, my mother insisted that we go to the hospital. I nearly fainted walking from the car into the ER, and when they did my blood pressure they thought their machine was broken. It was 71/53, and my fever was well over 40 C. I was admitted for sepsis and heavily dosed with antibiotics as they ran tests to find out what was wrong. It turned out that I had a group A streptococcal infection in my uterus, which can be life threatening if left untreated.

Though Rowan was allowed to “board” with me in hospital, I lost my milk supply as my body tried to fight off the infection. I was determined to breastfeed, but Rowan was quickly showing a strong preference for the bottle. After I was released, we consulted an IBCLC who introduced us to a supplementary nursing system so that I could nurse while providing formula through a feeding tube that ran along my nipple. The way we were taught to do it, it was a two person job. Someone else had to hold the syringe and continually refill it with formula, because my hands were busy trying to position the baby correctly and keep the nipple shield and tube in place. Rowan’s weight yo-yo’d, and the IBCLC said the supplementations might be permanent, I might never be able to exclusively breastfeed. In addition to the SNS, I started taking herbal supplements and domperidone, as well as pumping after every feed to help boost supply. When he was six weeks old, we finally moved back home. There were a lot of layers, but we worked with a new amazing lactation consultant to slowly peel things back one at a time, take each bump as it came, and celebrate each small victory. He was two months old when we found out he had a tongue and lip tie, which we then got revised. He was four months when we were able to successfully wean off the nipple shield, and I was able to stop pumping after every feed. He was 6 months when he had his last ounce of formula. We’ve now been exclusively breastfeeding for almost two months, and it’s amazing. There’s such a freedom in being able to feed him wherever and whenever he needs, to not worry about packing formula and cleaning tubing and pumping and positioning and everything that went along with it. We feed in bed, we feed on the floor, we feed in the car, we feed on the street. I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard for anything in my life. The questions have already started, “when are you going to stop breastfeeding him?”, “doesn’t he take a bottle yet?” If it were up to me I’d breastfeed him forever! I assume at some point he’ll want to stop (probably before high school?), and maybe I’ll want to stop too. But for now I just bask in it, the absolute glory of my body giving him everything he needs. Nursing him is truly my happy place, it feels so easy now that sometimes it’s hard to remember that it was ever work at all.

What is your truth?

Believe in yourself. You can do hard things. It’s all too easy to get caught up in overthinking, predicting the future, catastrophizing everything. Call in your community, lean on your people. I couldn’t have done this without my incredible partner, who washed seemingly endless tubes and dried seemingly endless tears and sang us through seemingly endless nights. He was my light during very dark and difficult times, and always helped me to keep my eye on my end goal while making sure that I knew he supported me no matter what and that I was always allowed to change my mind. He believed in me when I forgot how to believe in myself. So did my parents, and my midwife, my lactation consultant, and so many others in my village. Through these experiences, more than anything else, motherhood has given me the gift of a deep, unshakeable faith in myself. I got this. You got this, too.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I love this project and everything that it stands for. When I was struggling to breastfeed, I looked everywhere for people who were doing it like me and it was hard to find representation. I hope my story can help be that representation for other people who need to see themselves. My maternity leave is ending, and I return to work this month. This season in my life is ending, changing, and I can’t believe how slowly and quickly the time went. I want a snapshot of this moment, this season, before everything changes again.

Johanna Macaulay

Johanna Macaulay (34 - she/her), mother to Gwendolyn (22 months) and Gabrielle, born sleeping in 2009

Portland, OR

“I first became a mother ten years ago when my daughter Gabrielle was born sleeping at 25 weeks after I developed HELLP syndrome. I did not know I was pregnant until I was in the emergency room in liver failure, and she was already gone. The experience of learning that I was pregnant, hearing that they could not find a heartbeat and then quickly being induced because I was so sick was a blur. It took me years to fully process the shock and the immense guilt I was buried in. I felt so disconnected from my body after not realizing that I was pregnant and angry that my body had failed me and my baby. I was scared that I would never have a healthy pregnancy and baby. It was surreal identifying as a mother but not having my child with me. Even now I have a hard time answering when someone asks me how many children I have.

How has parenthood impacted your body image?

I spent a long time hating my body, sometimes for how it looked and other times for how I felt it betrayed me. My second pregnancy was both joyful and scary for my husband and me. We were elated to be expecting our rainbow baby 8 years after our loss but the whole pregnancy had us holding our breath and expecting something to go wrong. Instead our big, healthy girl arrived just hours into her due date. I had the unmedicated birth I had always dreamed of and couldn't believe that my body had grown this perfect little human. Pushing her into the world made me feel stronger and more powerful than anything I've ever done. I'm still amazed looking at her and knowing that my body made that person. I hated my belly for a long time but have grown to love it knowing that it was her first home and still her favorite place to snuggle. Instead of focusing on all of the things that my body is not, parenthood allows me to appreciate all the things that it is.

What was your postpartum experience?

One of the hardest parts of my first year as Gwennie's mom was struggling with breastfeeding. As a NICU nurse and lactation consultant I assumed that I had all the knowledge and tools I would need to breastfeed my baby and was blindsided by the obstacles we faced. Our early days were spent shuttling from home to the doctors office for weight and bilirubin checks and trying everything I could think of to increase my milk supply. It was rough to be on the other side of the relationship as the exhausted, worried parent. I felt like my body was failing me all over again not being able to feed my baby. Thankfully we were blessed with donor breast milk from our amazing community, which eased my stress about having to supplement. Eventually we found a rhythm of breastfeeding and bottle feeding and I let go of my obsessive attempts to increase supply and learned to be proud of every drop I could give her. I also learned to love everything that breastfeeding can be that has nothing to do with nutrition. Nearly two years later it's still how we reconnect after I've been working a lot, how I soothe her when she's hurt or tired or anxious, and that moment when she still feels like my little baby.

What is your truth?

It gets easier and it gets harder. I'm still in the early days of raising a child but have already learned that whatever is hard today will get easier eventually. I also know that there are things that will get harder that I don't even realize yet. It makes me live in the moment more and appreciate the things that are good right now.

Why did you choose to participate in this movement and share your story?

I've admired this project since its start and always wondered if I would be brave enough to share my body and my story. Now that I'm raising a daughter, I'm trying hard not to pass on the negative feelings I had about my body growing up. These photos are part of the example I'm trying to set for her to love the body that carries her through life and to appreciate everything that she can do.

Evan Goldstein Wiggill

Evan Goldstein Wiggill (37) and Jones (5)

Miami, FL

Evan shares -

“I have not “lost” any children and recognize that is an immeasurable pain. I did however lose the idea of having multiple children after my son’s father and I split up. I never ever imagined having an only child. In fact, my father was an only child and would always say, “an only child is a lonely child” and made me promise not to only have one child. My son now has a half brother and step brother by way of his dad but I definitely have mourned the loss of having the kind of traditional, full siblings I always imagined.

I’ve always had a complicated relationship with my body and while that definitely still remains, age and motherhood have allowed for some grace and space for gratitude I did not have before. I was in awe of how much my body innately knew to do while pregnant and it allowed me to see it as more than just something that I want to mold, shrink, stretch and tighten, to something that has such a bigger purpose. Don’t get me wrong, I still find myself looking at 20-somethings with a melancholy envy but motherhood has given me the levity to also realize that’s a cruel comparison!

I didn’t realize it until I was years out and looking back at all the suffering I created, but I definitely experienced postpartum depression. I always have, and still do, struggle with some level of anxiety and depression but this was so intense and almost like a wave crashing over me but I never had time to stand back up to realize what was happening before another wave came. So it was just survival. And it was compounded by some intense family issues.

At the same time my son was born, my father was diagnosed with the stage 4 cancer that would soon take him, my brother was struggling with addiction and we were rallying to get him into treatment, I got a huge promotion at work, and I felt extremely disconnected from my then-husband. In all of it, my trigger was my struggle with breast feeding. The struggle was expected, as I’d had surgery to remove masses from my breast years earlier. Unexpected was how attached not being able to provide enough milk to my son was attached to my self worth.

I abused myself mentally and physically trying to produce milk and convinced myself I was a failure as a mother when nothing worked. And I stuck to that story for a LONG time. Looking back, it was just something I could control in an very uncontrollable time (some old anorexia thoughts creeping in). And, crazy thing is, I STILL feel the old wound when someone talks about how great their milk supply was or even when my son gets sick. That voice saying “he’s sick because you didn’t breastfeed long enough.” Luckily now I have the tools to be like, “Okay, no. Your son is a toddler and licks literally everything and that’s a much more likely reason for this very normal cold.”

You are, more than likely, doing so much better than you give yourself credit for. I, like so many women, have a tendency to be so hard on myself and all it does is get me more worked up and more disconnected from the place I need to be to be grounded and living my truth. One thing I do to help is picture myself as a friend of mine and talk to myself that way. What would you tell your friend if she was in this place? Surely you wouldn’t kick her when she’s down, so can you be your own friend? This has really helped me be kinder to myself. Then, from that place, I can make decisions with more faith than fear. Which I think is really the ultimate advice - trust your instincts. But, of course, to that you gotta see yourself as awesome as you really are. So, it’s a process.

I started following this movement when a good friend experienced a miscarriage (hate that word) and learned so much more than I ever imagined about everything from empathizing during a loss, to body acceptance, and even about women’s rights and gender fluidity. When I saw you were coming to Miami, and hosted by my doula, I was called to be a part of something bigger than myself (even though it terrifies me to have my picture taken in general and in underwear?! Yeah, hard pass.) I work in advertising and have spent way too many hours fighting against photoshopping every imperfection and casting “perfect” bodies for corporate campaigns. I crave the community fighting against this. And, on a more selfish level, I feel myself clinging to my sons “baby days” and wanted to preserve this moment with him before taking pictures in our underwear was a no go! Being pretty confident I won’t have more children I feel extra sentimental about him growing up and ending this phase of the motherhood journey so this was a gift to myself.”

Kimberly Grossmann

Kimberly Grossmann (36), Lucas (4), Jamie (3), and Alex (1)

Kimberly is a previous project participant. You can view her original photo and story from 2015 here.

Oakland, CA

Kimberly shares -

“I have had a distorted body image of myself since I was very young and struggled with eating disorders since I was 16. Pregnancy has changed my body in ways that are still difficult for me, but I try to stay healthy and positive for my kids. I would never want them to talk to themselves the way I have always talked to myself and I want to be a good example of what its like to have a positive body image and also a healthy relationship with food. I still struggle with this at times, but am also able to be proud of all that my body has accomplished and what it is capable of. I exclusively pumped for a year for Lucas, and then nursed Jamie for 3 years (10 months tandem nursing with Alex), and am currently nursing Alex at 13 months. I also grew these three incredible little guys. All of that makes my new body worth it.

After my first son, Lucas, I struggled with PPD. I was fairly new to California and hadn't really made any friends yet, so it was easy to isolate myself. I felt like I was walking around in a fog. I wasn't able to breastfeed Lucas and was pumping for him around the clock and feeding through an SNS for the first 3 weeks and then with a bottle. I was really hard on myself and emotional because of it. These feelings of sadness and isolation lasted for about 5 months until I connected with a group of moms which really helped.

I had a much easier time after the birth of my second son, Jamie. I still struggled with some anxiety, which is normal for me, but in comparison it was so much better than what I felt after Lucas. After the birth of my third son, Alex, I expected to feel fine again but ended up having a very difficult time with PPD for about 3 months. This time I felt really sad and had a lot of social anxiety. As a result withdrew from my closest friends for awhile. Luckily my friends and family were really supportive which helped me get through it.

Learning to love myself has been a process that my children have made easier for me. I participated in 2015 with Lucas and Jamie, and wanted to participate again with Alex.”

Elke Klukowsky

Elke Klukowsky (41), Milena (7), Benjamin (3 - - not pictured), and Julian (7 months)

Bad Krozingen, Germany | Oakland, CA

Elke shares -

“Between my boys I had a miscarriage. I did a pregnancy test at home, which came back positive. But shortly after we found out, I had some bleeding, so I went in to see the doctor. I was pregnant around 6 weeks, so we saw something on the screen, but there was no heartbeat. The doctor said it might be too early to hear it. So we had to wait for another 10 days, that felt like a roller coaster. The next ultrasound confirmed: no heartbeat, and the fetus hasn’t grown. I will never forget the silence during that examination. In the end, I had to take some medication, because it was a missed miscarriage. Nothing prepares you for that: labor pain, cramps and a lot of blood.

With two kids at home, there was no time to think about what was going on and what’s happening with me and my body. That evening my husband Christian and I sat down and we cried together. My husband was my support person, the one who cried with me and the one who asked the same questions. When that miscarriage happened, I just thought, I was too old and my body was done with being pregnant. But shortly after, I got pregnant again and Julian will always be our rainbow baby. When I told my friends, a few opened up about their own miscarriages, because it happens more often than we know. It is a sad topic, but we can help each other in talking about it and being there for each other to support.

I was always one of the smallest kids in class or school, and of course I always wanted to be taller. But that was never a big problem for me. So over the years, I gained a positive body image. I want my kids to grow up and accept their bodies and other people's bodies without judgment. We call all body parts by their real names and we talk about them when the kids use the restroom or when they get changed. We are not ashamed to be naked in our house. So our kids see us taking a shower or changing our clothes. And when my 3 year old son asks me, if there is another baby in my belly, I say "No, but my belly was home for 3 babies." My kids also see me and my friends breastfeeding so they know, that boobs are made for nursing babies. As a mum of a daughter I am afraid, that she will grow up with a false body image, mostly presented by the media. I want her to accept and love her body. And I hope that we can teach all of our kids, to accept other people’s bodies as they are and that they accept people who look and dress different from them.

I think nothing can really prepare you for the journey that you start as a mum and parents when you have a baby. You read a lot of books, you try to be prepared, but life is very different and challenging.

With our daughter I had a cesarean. I was sad by the time I had to schedule it, but she was breech and didn't turn by herself. I did a lot of pregnancy yoga classes, my husband joined me for the yoga birthing class, so I was sad, that all the effort I had put into the idea of a natural birth didn't work out for us. In the end, it was a good experience, there was a comfortable atmosphere in the hospital, my doctor and the nurses were really nice, and I was happy, that my husband was able to stay with me and later with my daughter for the whole time. Recovery from a cesarean isn't easy, so I really don't understand, why people call it "the easy way out". You have had a surgery, you are left with a scar, that needs to heal. Taking care of the baby and yourself is very tough, when you are in pain.

We had some difficulties with latching on, so breastfeeding started with a challenge. I had to see a lactation consultant to get some ideas what I can do better and that helped us. In the end our breastfeeding journey took nearly 3 years.

When I was pregnant with baby #2, I wanted to try for a VBAC. My husband and I went to another birthing class and when he talked there about the first hours with our newborn, I was sad, that I had missed all these first things, because of the cesarean surgery. I wanted to try to be there this time. With baby #2 I did most of the laboring work at home and came to the hospital ready to push and I had my natural VBAC with a healthy little boy. Comparing these two different birth experiences, the cesarean was way harder to recover. Also the immediately bonding after a natural birth is helping to set up a better connection with your newborn. Breastfeeding my 2nd baby started right away and I nursed him until he was 2 1/2 years old. I had the idea of tandem nursing him and the arriving baby, but with all the nausea I had again during my 3rd pregnancy, I couldn't handle it. I was very sad by that time, because we stopped from one day to the other.

Our 3rd child was also a successful, natural VBAC. My doctor had to break my water and 1 1/2 hours later we met our baby boy. I think it’s amazing, what a woman’s body can do during labor and delivery. All the strength, the power, the will for the moment to meet your newborn. With #3 everything is a little roller coaster, especially emotionally. This is the last baby for us. So on one hand, I am happy, when he starts something new, like when he started to smile or crawl. On the other hand, my little baby is growing, way too fast… All his “first ones” are the last ones for me and this is hard to handle. It’s getting better, but I felt very sad during the first months.

With 3 kids, I try to make room for the little one, just for him, and enjoy our mornings without the older kids. I embrace all the times he needs to nurse, because that is our time together. And I try to have a lot of mommy and me time without the older ones. Our days are sometimes crazy, busy, chaotic, but we wouldn’t change it for anything.

I think it is important to show that postpartum is a special time in a woman's life. A new family member brings new responsibilities, new challenges and new adventures. I wish, there would be more support groups for postpartum, for new moms and dads. You just had a baby, everybody is cheering for you in the hospital, they take good care of you, and then you are sent home with a newborn. And sometimes you don't know what to do, you don't understand what you feel or what is going on. Even with baby #2 and #3. There are a lot of challenges, that the body of a new mother has to handle after giving birth. And then you have to be there for the rest of the family, for the daily life. That balance can be challenging. I wanted to be part of this movement, because we all have a story to tell: different pregnancies, different birth stories, and different postpartum journeys. It's something that connects all mamas and that is something big.”

Megan Yepez

Megan Yepez (29), Eloise and Everett (11 months - fraternal twins)

Reno, NV

Megan shares -

“During my pregnancy, it really felt like my body didn't belong to me anymore. Two little people were sucking the energy out of me. I also had to submit my body to multiple tests and procedures from early in the pregnancy. Doctors poked and prodded me and I felt like I had little control over what was being done because it was in the best interest of the babies. After they were born, I still felt like I had little control due to constant feeding, pumping and holding of babies. My body was always needed by two little people and sometimes it was too much. I also felt like my body was broken.

It kept going into early labor, the first time at 22 weeks. I couldn't walk more than around the house without having contractions. My cervix was labeled "incompetent" and my uterus was "irritable." Eloise's placenta started calcifying and her growth slowed. Her fluid levels dropped and the doctors decided to induce me. My water broke the night after they took my cerclage out, despite the doctor telling me that wouldn't happen. We never even made it to the induction day.

I expected the worrying to be over postpartum. The whole pregnancy, I thought once they were here everything was going to be ok. After they were born at 35 weeks, I ended up leaving the hospital without my babies. Everett had to stay for 5 days in the level 2 nursery and Eloise stayed for 10 days.

We struggled with breastfeeding from the start. Eloise wasn't able to latch correctly for 6 weeks. I obsessed over feeding and pumping around the clock. I mourned the loss of not being able to exclusively provide them with breast milk. I also struggled with loss of the idea of the perfect pregnancy. I felt like I missed out on the perfect pregnancy and postpartum period. I felt like not one thing had gone right on this journey. I didn't deal with the trauma of my pregnancy, and then after they were born all my attention was focused on them. Postpartum, we were struggling with our finances, our living situation, and with a lot of emotions we had to put aside during the pregnancy, so it has been a lot for me.

I chose to share my story in hopes of bringing some healing for myself.”

Rachel Nowlain-Sisk

Rachel Nowlain-Sisk (27. 14 weeks pregnant at time of photograph) and Evelyn (14 months old)

Reno, NV

Rachel shares -

“I have always had a poor body image. I have always been too focused on how other people think I look and based my self image on that. That has gotten so much worse with pregnancy and postpartum. With my last pregnancy, I constantly compared myself to other pregnant women like it was some sort of competition. My postpartum body was completely foreign and felt broken and it took me almost a year to try and find myself again in this new home and completely new lifestyle.

This time, I am desperately trying just to focus on what all my body CAN do instead of what I focused on last go round which was what my body couldn't do. I'm trying to become a strong and confident woman so that I can teach my daughter to be the same as she grows up.

Ultimately, what I have come to realize is that everyone has something physical, emotional or mental that they struggle with. All we can do is learn how to modify our movements and and our lifestyle and learn how to take care of ourselves in the best way we can.

One major aspect that has affected my parenthood journey so far is I have a back injury from work that happened about 6 months before I conceived my daughter. The limits that injury placed on me right before and during my pregnancy put a major damper on the excitement I had felt as a teenager when I imagined myself becoming a parent.

From the moment I suspected I was pregnant I felt this overwhelming dread of what that would mean with my back: would I be able to carry the baby without becoming paralyzed? Would I be able to carry her full-term? Give birth to her naturally? All of those things contributed to me not really feeling connected to my baby until after she was born. I felt like I was a failure as a mother before I even brought her earth-side. Add to that a long, difficult and traumatic birth that ended in an emergency cesarean and a baby who needed heart surgery at 6 weeks old and a difficult time establishing a breastfeeding relationship due to an un-diagnosed lip tie and we had a very rough start.

Another thing I think isn't discussed enough is postpartum anxiety. I've always had some mixture of mild depression and anxiety with anxiety taking the lead most days. I thought during pregnancy that I would be at high risk of PPD but what really happened was after I went through weekly appointments with her cardiologist for 6 weeks and then we brought her to Vegas for heart surgery on her 6 week birthday I developed severe PPA. I envisioned all the ways my daughter could be injured and tried my best to prevent or avoid them. I even had nightmares about our car falling off the mountain while driving and had to breathe deeply anytime I drove near a cliff for months. I was just so afraid. I have a feeling that hormones had a good deal to do with how I was feeling and eventually as my daughter became stronger and more self sufficient a lot of that anxiety and fear passed. But just know, if you are struggling with anxiety at any point in life, especially in the first difficult months after bringing a tiny human into the world, it is okay and you are not alone.

With all of that said, I wouldn't trade my daughter for the world. She is the brightest, funniest, strongest little girl I have ever known with the best dance moves a mom could ask for. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant with my second child and though there is a lot of fear when I think of the months and years ahead I am really trying to focus on what my body can do this pregnancy that I wasn't able to do last time. I am planning a home birth with a midwife. My husband and I feel like this is our chance for some healing after everything we went through with the birth of my daughter.

Becoming a mother and all it entails has been so different than how it is usually depicted in media. Everything we are told growing up in our society fails to prepare us for what it is really like for most people. I want other moms to be able to see real images and real stories of other parents out there. So we can learn to see how many different versions of normal are out there and not feel so alone.”

Jasmine Kleiber

Jasmine Kleiber (36) and Jacob (9 months old)

Reno, NV

Jasmine shares -

“I've definitely become more self-conscious, but also less worried about my body postpartum. It's been amazing how much my husband has responded to my new body, in a very positive way. I think he's as amazed by this process as I have been.

My postpartum experience wasn't a happy one initially. I'd had a very difficult pregnancy and delivery, once baby arrived my milk took almost two weeks to come in, and due to severe blood loss during delivery I had an extended recovery time. My son's colic though, made it really challenging to enjoy the experience once we got home from the hospital, and ultimately I was suffering from postpartum depression on top of it all. I had the support of my husband and friends but no one could relate to what I was going through. I, like many, felt very isolated and guilty that I wasn't enjoying motherhood. While I never wanted to hurt my son, and didn't truly want to hurt myself, I had visions of walking into on-coming traffic and wondered what I had done to deserve so many challenges. I'm now almost 9 months into parenthood, and after reaching out for professional help for my PPD I'm enjoying being a mom and getting into my stride between work and parenting. I can't really remember what life without my little guy was like.

It is so much harder and more rewarding than I ever imagined!“

Giovanna Otavalo

Giovanna Otavalo (38) and Bronson (3.5)

Ecuador | Photographed in Chicago, IL

Giovanna shares - 

"At 18 years old, I was told in my very first OB/GYN visit that I had abnormal cervical cells which led to routine biopsies every 3 months, then every 6 months for several years. By the time I was 30 years old, I was told that I would not be able to conceive or carry to full term due to the severe scar tissue on my cervix for all of those year. I learned that I was pregnant during my consult with a fertility specialist. It was a true miracle and incredible surprise!

Prior to becoming pregnant, I was an avid runner and yogi. Due to complications in pregnancy, I was placed on an exercise restriction which limited my movement. Complications in breastfeeding led me to be placed on a prescription medication, which led to drastic weight gain in a short amount of time. All of that led to my body going thru incredible changes that were oftentimes overwhelming, and took a huge toll on my self-esteem and confidence.

I prepared quite a bit for birth as I assumed that would be the hardest part of becoming a mother. I had no idea how challenging the postpartum period and breastfeeding would be! I assumed breastfeeding would be easy and "natural," so I was incredibly unprepared for when my milk never fully came in and my baby continued to lose weight despite nursing around the clock. I sought the help of professional after professional for several weeks only to be told to keep trying, that nursing is about supply and demand, and that my body will eventually make the milk by baby needed. I continued to seek answers until I was finally able to connect with an IBCLC who was knowledgeable about IGT and low milk supply. Her support was a godsend and I truly credit her for rescuing my breastfeeding relationship with my son!

Becoming a Mom has been the hardest and most rewarding role I've ever had! Postpartum Depression and Anxiety and Low Milk Supply are very real and common, and hopefully sharing my journey will help new moms be more comfortable seeking support.

Trust your instinct! You have spent 9 months with this tiny being and no one knows him/her the way you do! Seek help and support during the 4th trimester. If something feels off with you or your baby, don't be afraid to seek answers." 

Kate Rawley Warters

Kate Rawley Warters (36) and Edith (2)

Denver, CO / San Antonio, TX | Photographed in Austin, TX

Kate shares - "{Parenthood} has improved my body image vastly. It has given me pride in my body, and increased my awareness of my own behaviors toward my body and others's bodies as I strive to model body-positive and kind behaviors for my daughter.

I expected to love postpartum, and was SHOCKED at how challenging, overwhelming and lonely I felt. In hindsight, there was probably some postpartum depression happening. My birth was long and disappointing, ending in cesarean after 36 hours of labor (26 hours unmedicated). My cesarean was traumatic, as the epidural lost effectiveness and I could feel sharp pain during the procedure. I cried and yelled expletives on the table, as I was certain my birth canal was being torn out through my incision. Now I know that feeling was my daughter's head being removed from it's confines wedged deeply and stuck in my pelvis. (She was born with an incredible cone head).

I started postpartum exhausted and feeling like a failure due to the surgical birth, despite love and support from my husband, my family, my doula and my OBGYN. We immediately had latching and nursing problems. At 6 days postpartum, I was bullied by our pediatrician and forced to give my daughter a bottle of formula in her office under threat of being reported to child protective services, even though I was under the active care of an IBCLC lactation consultant and my daughter was still in the normal/healthy range of behaviors indicating she was not in danger. Feeling pressured and not knowing any other options, we went on a 24 hour bottle feeding marathon to bring Edith's weight up to the pediatrician's standards. My milk came in that night, but my daughter (who already had latching challenges due to birth canal trauma) never recovered from her nipple confusion, and she never nursed. We tried diligently for 6 weeks with a lactation consultant, before we all agreed she was to be a bottle baby. I pumped breastmilk for the first 8 months of her life, and we also supplemented with formula.

Again, I hadn't expected an struggle or inability to feed her with my body, and this reality knocked my confidence and filled me with more guilt and shame. To compensate, I vowed to pump and give her as much breastmilk as possible. I pumped religiously every 3 hours day and night, although I never succeeded in producing enough to give her exclusively breastmilk. In hindsight, the pumping was a greater stress than it was a benefit. The schedule was oppressive, preventing me from being able to leave my house or feel like I could get anything done or enjoy my baby. There was so much cleaning to keep things sanitary. So much stationary sitting strapped to a machine. And a general sense of disgust at my body watching my nipples sucked in and out of plastic funnels.

I did not bond with my daughter right away, which violated every expectation I had for myself and also gave me incredible guilt and shame. I wanted and anticipated the experience I see in so many birth stories - the mother weeping tears of joy and pure love as she holds her freshly birthed baby to her chest for the first time. My birth and early days were so bleary with exhaustion, tinged with pain, so overwhelmed by nursing and pumping obligations, and marred by feelings of guilt and maternal failure. Luckily, my husband had the joyful weeping, unconditional love, and new parent euphoria to carry us through those early days. My love for Edith grew over time, and today she is my light and love and the center of everything I hold dear. I am certain I love her now with all the passion many mothers are lucky to feel all at once. It just took me longer to get there.

I am 9 weeks pregnant with our second child. He was conceived by IVF, and we are so grateful to be expecting again. I look forward with great anticipation to this postpartum period, because I believe my expectations are more realistic. We will have a repeat cesarean, and I know how to prepare for that experience. I hope to breastfeed, but if it doesn't happen, I know how to approach formula or pumping with the attitude that fed is best. Most of all, I know how to be gentler to myself, how to give myself permission to pause and enjoy the little moments, and how everything will come together, even if it takes time. My love of Edith gives me a map to know how much I will love our special little guy, whether it happens the moment he is born, or months into our relationship.

Our bodies are our own, here as vessels to allow us to live our best lives. It is possible to be loved, to love, and to live a life of pleasure and fulfillment in a body that is far from perfect. Your body shape and size need not be a limiting factor in your ability to be happy. But most of us must resolve to adopt this attitude and fight social pressures to live this truth. It's not easy or instinctive.

I have been plus sized my entire life. I am sometimes filled with shame and regret in my body. But I work to combat this feeling. I cultivate community that supports the truth that all bodies are good bodies. I have a partner who loves me and my body and treats me with respect and desire. I live a life full of activity, travel, adventure, community and love. My body hosted a perfectly healthy plus sized pregnancy. My daughter is healthy.

I believe one of the most important roles I have in raising my children is to impart on them the ability to recognize socially-derived judgement or shame, and combat it in pursuit of a higher truth. My job is to teach them how to know themselves, believe in themselves, trust themselves, and stand up for themselves. I want to model these behaviors, cultivate them in my children, and in doing so make our world just a little bit better for everyone.

The online birth, postpartum and parenting community was so important to my own processing and healing;¬ after birth and in my transition to motherhood. But because it's online, it can also feel distant and removed. I am excited to participating in this experience and bring my story to the movement in hopes that it furthers my connection to other parents. I am also eager to transition into someone who can give to the community, and not just receive from.